[garry970]

I'm wondering about what should my potential foster son call me. I don't want him to call me by my first name or "uncle", at the same time, not calling me "dad", or "daddy".

I'm thinking of "pop", or "papa" as an alternative for "dad", or daddy" to avoid confusion with his real dad, but if there is no dad, then there is a chance of becoming "dad" or "daddy", but I don't know what the bio mom will say.

I think "pa" sounds too old. I'm 35.

I don't like "Mr." either. It doesn't sound like family.


I'm going to foster a boy between the ages of 5 and 10 yrs.

What do you think??

[PinkRibbon]

I like Pop. I think it's important to consider what your foster son will be comfortable calling you. He might feel more comfortable calling you dad or daddy if that's what his friend call their fathers. You will be his real father for the time you're fostering him, just that he'll also have a biological father. Another point is that lots of times the kids in the system don't know their bio dads or don't have a relationship with them.
Just my 2 cents.

[DianeS]

You definately need to allow a lot of room for the child to decide on this one.

Your child could have loyalty issues, and not want to call another man the same name as he uses for his father.
Or, your child could want to fit in with his school friends, and call you whatever they call their fathers.
Or, the child could be told by his parents to call you something.
Or, if you have other children in your home, he may want to fit in with them, too, or differentiate himself from them.
Etc.

Something to remember is that the younger children won't be able to say *which* dad did the abusing if they have very similar names. I have friends who went through that - bio dad did the abuse on a visit, but foster dad was charged with it because the child used the same name for both. They'll never permit that again - whatever the child calls bio parents, child must choose something different for them.

No cut-and-dried answer for this one. You'll get a different opinion from everyone. But if you offer a couple of options to the child, he should settle into one or another fairly quickly, although it may change if he stays with you a long time.

[BigDogMom]

My foster daughter called my husband and I by our first names and then she started calling me "Mother" It was really hard not to ask her to call me something different because it felt so weird and cold being called "Mother" Anyway, she has been with us for a little over a month and now calls me "Mom" and my husband "Dad" but I just let her know that she could call me what she was comfortable with. I think she chose "mom" so that she could fit in with her peer group because most of them have no idea that she is a foster child. That way no one asks her why she calls her "Mom" by her first name they just assume our foster daughter is our bio daughter and we let her peers just keep thinking that.

I think children tend to find a name that they are comfortable with and contains a heartfelt contemplation about what name to pick. A friends grandson calls her "Gi Gi" instead of the typical Grandma most kids use and it is his way of calling her something special to his heart. If you have other children a foster child will probably just call you what the other children call you but if not then you probably could make a few suggestions of what you like and see if you foster son likes the suggestions also.

God Bless,
BDM

[susanlowman]

Every situation is different, so do what feels right to you and your foster son.....As for us, we started fostering our fosterson right before he turned 3. The first month or two he called us by our names, then he started calling me "mom"....a few weeks later he started calling my husband "dad"....this has been going on for almost a year. He now calls his birthparents by there names (I think this came from hearing the social workers call them that -- he has not seen his birthparents in over 6 months).

Good luck!

[Annie6]

Hi, In our house the kids are always introduced to us by our first names. We have had children who are older, 6 and up just call us by our first name, but the younger ones might start to call us by our first name and then one day they will call us mom and dad. It all depends on what makes them comfortable. we nevere tell them they have to call us by any one name. Depends on the age They all seem to take cues from each other. We did have a problem when a sib group was told by bio mom that they could not call us mom and dad. The little girl told me that she and here brother has to call us that since we are their parents , we love them, we take care of them. Need I say that this sib group not only call us mom and dad proudly but they now also carry our last name. We just figure that the the kids have so much on their minds when they first come we're not going to add to their fears of what to call us. Annie6

[BigDogMom]

Just tonight the sweetest thing my new foster son told me. He crashed on his bike and we were sitting in the medical center and he has a hard time remembering mine and my husbands names. He looks at me and says, "Can I just call you guys Mom and Dad, I don't remember names well?" I told him of course he could call us whatever he is comfortable calling us. We have three other children that call us Mom and Dad so I think it is more comfortable for him to feel like he beongs. I totally understand though because my Mom remarried when I was thirteen and to this day I still call my step dad by his first name. I love him like my Dad and he has been there for me but I just have never felt right calling him Dad. I loved my birth Dad and since he past away I almost felt like I was betraying him by calling another man Dad. So, if a child isn't comfortable calling you Dad it doesn't mean he/she loves you any less. I love my step dad with all my heart, as much as my birth Dad but I still feel weird calling him anything but by his first name. I tried and it just feels foreign. When I introduce him to people I introduce him as my Dad. The only time I refer to him by his first name is when talking to him or calling him to get his attention. I always refer to him as Dad in conversations with other people. I use whatever name is comfortable according to the situation.

God Bless

[MOFosterMom]

Depends on each case for me. My 2 older foster boys differ. The 8 year old calls me *first name "or" mom, and the 11 year old just calls me *first name to me, sometimes "mom" to only "others" when not around me. I have no issues with any of it. I don't expect to be called mom, I'm not trying to replace their mother, just be a good role model and womanly adult mentor/figure.

*heh- I think the only "irk" that crawls under my skin is when they try to call me (for example) Ms. Samantha, like a school teacher.

As far as younger children, they usually fall into the "Mommy" factor fairly easy due to the fact that my adopted son of course calls me mommy, who's 3 now. The other children want to fit in and feel a bond. Emergency placements (newborns) I receive that stay in my care for a long time usually automatically call me mommy.

The 3 yr old turned four called me mommy most of the time, although when talking about family would call me (Example) MommySamantha, and her biological mother by her first name only. The birth mother wasn't there for her much.

Being called Mom is nice but their comfort is what's important. I enjoyed reading the above comments as well.

~Peace to you and yours,
MoFosterMom

[thehills]

We have a foster daughter that calls us "Mom & Dad" but that is what she is comfy with. give it a little time and the child will find his comfort zone. You are doing a wonderful thing that too few people are willing to do. We are in Missouri also and thank you for helpng the children here!

[blalockcl@aol.c]

We have been foster parents for approx. 8 years. We decided we would have our foster children call us "Papa and Noni". we didn't want to confuse them by being called Mom or Dad or Grandpa or Grandma. I didn't want first names either. This way they feel we are family as opposed to fosters. Hope this helps. B\

[evansmum]

As everyone else said, it depends on the child.

We had a 16 m/o fs for 6 mos who called me "Mama", and didn't call dh much of anything. Would just go up to him. His dad was around, but mom wasn't, so I guess he just "needed that", y'know?

Our 3 y/o fs (almost 4), called me *first name* for around 3 or 4 months, is now starting to call me "Mama", but does refer to me as *first name* to his Mom (whom he calls "Mommy"). He has called dh *Daddy* since Day One! In HIS case, his mom is around, but dad is not.

Our 8 y/o fd calls us *first name* and *first name* at home, but to her friends, we are "my Mom" and "my Dad". It does help them fit in... especially for her, we are on a military base, so when there's a new kid at school, they just assume their parents were transferred in from another base (not necessarily a "foster kid").

[clynn]

My fd is nearly three and started calling me mom first day.Her 18 month old brother calls me nana.He heard my grandaughter call me nanny and that is as close as he can get to saying Nanny.My 5 yr old called me grandma for about three weeks and now calls me nanny too.I just let them decide on their own what to call me.

[IowaDad]

This is an interesting thread. When we were having transitional visits we would talk to the kids then foster parents. They had several children in foster care in their home. There was 16 yro girl that called the FM by her first name. In front of my wife and I the FM told her that she wanted her to call her "mom". The 16yro told her "you are not my mother". The FM replied "well when those new girls start calling me mom then you will to". I WAS BLOWN AWAY.

The replies on this post are just what I needed to hear and are both what my wife and I both have practised. The "call me what you are comfortable with" method.

[MamaJem]

I will agree with everyone who says let them go with their own comfort level. We started out as Mama Jem and Papa Bill. They decided they wanted to call us Mommy and Daddy very close to the time they transitioned out. Then as they were being adopted, it got confusing because they called the A-parents and F-parents Mommy and Daddy. It was a short transition so we went with it. One CW wanted us to "redirect" them and theother CW said "Why?"

Does that help?

[paperchasingmom]

and one I was just starting to think about myself....My husband and I are right smack in the middle of our MAPP classes and also right smack in the middle of an international adoption gone haywire as well....

But, back to the question, I guess it all depends on what age our agency decides to place us with, BUT, my first thought was automatically of the older children, (since I guess they're old enough to have a conversation with) and I was thinking that (before even reading this thread) since fostering is all about helping the children, I would like to allow the children, after they've been introduced to us, we'd like for them to decide what they'd like to call us....I kinda feel like this gives them SOME control in their unfortunate situation they're in, plus, it's all about what makes them feel comfortable....it's what they feel they, right then and there, WANT to call us....not me being the one to make that call, you know....

I wouldn't want to accidentally ask them to call us something specific and then God forbid, that name be the same "name" or title that someone who has abused them was called, you know...I would think that would invoke more trauma or bad memories....

Of course, we'd love it if they would want to call us Mom and Dad, (meaning that they felt comfortable enough with us to do that...)

I don't know, it's just kinda what I was thinking....

Blessings to everyone on their journey,

Melody