[k9_rossi]

The recruiter there frwned upon us having a micarriage 3 months ago. She seems to think they will not let us start the process and Pride classes until after a year from our miscarriage. Anyone here of this? This was our 3rd miscarriage and we decided to go the adoption route, well foster to adopt. I have always wanted to adopt. We filled the application papers out and she said she would speak to her supervisor but they would be afraid we were just trying to fill the void of the loss. Anyone ever here of this? Will we have to wait a year or is there something I can do? Thanks for any info.

Sharon
biomom to Brenden 2.5 yrs
future foster/adoptve mom, I hope!


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[HappyMomAnna]

I don't know what state you are in... but I do know we had to wait a year after the death of a 12-year old child. My husband was raising his niece and she was killed by a drunk driver...we were asked to grieve first.

Is there any reason you don't consider the Adoption route? Rather then the Foster to Adopt?

It usually takes some time to get the adoption homestudy done and by the time you are actually considering a placement it will be close to a year from most people's experience. Foster to adopt can come with some serious emotional pain... Those children may or may not be adoptable and after loving them for months and years Foster Families ofter are heartbroken to have to let them go.... I just consider the risk so high emotionally and hardly ever hear about an adoption placement being changed by the state..... Anyway, keep reading the threads in here and keep working on your plan...Adoption is a long process but well worth the effort and work to get there.
I am so sorry for your misscarriage---I have been in you shoes and it hurts very much I know.

[shellyp]

I am courious to know what state you are in. I think that is stupid to not let you do foster care just becuase you had a recent miscarriage. I just had one also and I think that there is not a better way to make a bad situation good as to bring a child in need into a home. Maybe you can go to another agency and not mention the miscarriage thing. I hear about how much they need good foster homes but then they say something like that. I guess they have their reasons. They probably want to make sure that you are going into this for the right reasons. Hang in there and see what they say. Let us know.

[DianeS]

Yes, being asked to wait a year from the date of any major family change or upset is pretty common. That would include marriage, divorce, death in the family, adding stepchildren to the household, birth of baby, and sometimes miscarriage too.

I'd see if you could start anyway, if you want to. The recruiter doesn't actually make the decisions, so talk to the person who does. If you believe that another biological baby wouldn't be a replacement - it would be another individual, then perhaps you could show them that you'd feel the same about an adopted child.

Or, you could see if you could start the process of classes and certification, and not expect to actually receive your licence until the year mark had passed. It's not too hard to draw the requirements out like that - schedule physicals for next month instead of next week, stuff like that.

Since you've had previous miscarriages you know your typical pattern of grief. But I know when I had my fourth and we made the decision to not chance having more, that the grief was compounded by that decision. Not only was I grieving the individual child, I was grieving all future individual biological children because of the choice we had made. I thought since I'd had three previous, that this one would be "typical" or even less traumatic, since I had gone through it before. But it wasn't, and perhaps that's what the workers are concerned about.

Go back through and examine the steps you took to your decision to adopt. Examine your motivations and the timing. Take a look at your typical pattern of grief, and see if there is anything that would make it different this time. Examine how you'd feel about particular "triggers" - like being placed with a child whose birthday is the same as the due date your child should have had. Or a child the same age as one of the others would have been. Or a child with the name you'd already thought about (if you thought about that). That sort of thing.

If you can think it out yourself, you might be able to explain it satisfactorially. If the recruiter has to consult with someone about the decision, then it isn't one written in stone and you have a chance to convince them to bend the unwritten rule. But only do that after you've truly thought about it and still feel it is a good idea for you, your spouse, and the future children you'll have in your home.

Good luck!

[mamakimberly]

I just had my 5th miscarriage in August, and I also had a live birth (daughter) less than a year ago. They didn't mention either thing as a problem in getting licensed.

In fact, it looks like we will have our first placement before dd's 1st birthday!!

Hang in there!