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This message was originally posted by kazzaco.

Hi everyone!

Let me tell you my story. My brother-in-law and his girlfriend seperated in 1994 and she moved 150 miles away with their two children. Contact was lost and we haven't heard from them since.

Eight months ago, my brother-in-law received a letter from the SW informing him that his children were in foster care. When she came to visit us (she wanted to see the family) she told us the whole horrible story.

They were first taken into care in 1997 for abuse and neglect but was returned to their mother 7 months later. Whilst with these foster parents, my neice (then aged 4) was sexually abused.

The children were then taken into care again in May 2001, again for abuse and neglect, and they have been there ever since. They were placed together but the first foster parents couldn't cope with my neice's behaviour problems so she was transferred to another family. She missed her brother terribly. Now this family has said they cannot cope with her problems. The Child Psychologist has said that she has "Attachment Disorder" and that, in her opinion, she "Should never be placed with a family again". My neice also disclosed that whilst she was with her mother, she was sexually abused again by her mother's boyfriend. The Education Departments Psychologist said in his report that "she seemed to him to be a happy, helpul little girl and her behaviour is understandable for what she has been through and she needs love and affection and intensive counselling and therapy. She does not need special education as she is well above average.

I have now offered to be a carer of my neice (she is 10 now) and my brother-in-law has applied to have custody of his son (who is 11). This seems to be taking for ever and my neice is now to go into residential care. We are still waiting to be assessed even though we applied to become carers nearly four months ago.

Can anyone give me any advice to help me through this period of waiting and advise me on what to expect. I love this child and think she deserves the chance to be happy.

Look forward to hearing from you.

Kaz

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This message was originally posted by jolean12.

I am so sorry for your families dilema! What state are you in? Someone may be better able to lead you in the right direction with that information. Have they told you why you weren't contacted when they first entered care? You need to keep calling your local DFACS to get them out to do the homestudy and background checks.....or maybe your brother could apply for custody of both children and give you guardianship, it may be easier but you would not get the same help from the state.

I am praying for your neice, nephew, brother, and your family. Please keep us posted.

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This message was originally posted by Irishayes.

Hi,

Please read first hand experiences of very LOVING people, just like you, who have taken in children with RAD-- AD (usually undiagnosed, BTW) only to find their once peaceful lives turned into chaotic dysfunctional hells until they get the right types of help and support, and even then it is NOT going to be smooth.

You need to go into this situation with your eyes wide open to the possibility that the report that is the more reassuring (which everyone, especially me would LOVE to think is the accurate one)the one, stating her to be a bright and sweet girl, actually isn't at all inconsistent with RAD.


You could be embarking on a very painful path that you are in no way envisioning accurately, if she does have that particular condition, in fact. I hope that everything works out for you and your family and most especially for your neice.

I hope that clinician who suggested your neice to be wholly incapable of life in a family setting is WRONG, but I am afraid there is so much in just what you say here that makes that seem like wishful thinking to me. Please go slow and learn what to look for just in case.

As far as the hold ups in having this happen are concerned, I think you should get an attorney to deal with that aspect of it, if a written letter doesn't prompt a response.

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This message was originally posted by kazzaco.

Hi. Thanks for the replies.

Believe me, I have read up on Attachment Disorder and I am prepared for anything. Perhaps a lot of what I say is wishful thinking, but I have to have hope for this child or she will get nowhere in life. I know it is going to be a long hard road, with many pitfalls, but I will take each day as it comes and do my best - that's all I can do. Don't forget also, we have not yet been allowed to see her (we can only exchange letters at the moment) so really we don't know what to expect. The court hearing is set for early September so hopefully things will change then.

Even though I agree she does have problems and needs intensive counselling and therapy, I do however, question labelling her with "RAD". I also believe that my nephew is more likely to have RAD than she is and I am more worried about him. For instance

1. From the age of four, he not only had to look after himself, but his mother (who is an alcoholic) and sister as well. He was the one who had to be self-sufficient and she was totally dependent on him. She says she loves her mother and brother and misses them both terribly. He has never said he loves anyone. He gets very angry when asked about his mother.

2. There was a fire at the foster home when they lived together where she burned her hands putting the fire out. That is why they were seperated. There has been another fire since she left the home but nothing has been said about the cause of this one. There is doubt now whether she started the first one.

3. She used to run away from school when she was taken into care in 2001 but she used to go back to her old home to see if her mother has come back. She has stopped doing this now.

4. Both children have rages but she knows the reasons why she is doing them. He doesn't. Most of her rages are when she knows there is a meeting and they are "talking about her". She associates meetings with being taken away again. Her behaviour at school has improved since she has been in contact with us.

5. She has got into fights at school, but she says it is because other children are teasing her about being a "foster kid" and having a mother who is a "drunk".

6. He says he is happy now his sister has gone because he gets all the attention instead of her. There is another foster child in this home yet he never mentions him. The foster family where my niece is have two children of there own, and she is said to be extremely attached to their older daughter and even told her about the sexual abuse. My neice calls her foster mom "Mommy" but my nephew has never even mentioned his foster mom, and is said to have a close relationship with his foster dad.

7. There are many animals in the foster home where she is and she takes great joy telling us about them. There has been no mention of her ever hurting one of them. There are no pets where my nephew is.

8. Toys got broken when they were together and she got the blame even though she said it was her brother who broke them. He says that she broke them and he was just trying to "fix them".

9. Every time she writes to us, she sends us what I call "Happy Pictures", always with animals, hearts and flowers. The psychologist said that my nephew draws pictures of distruction, etc. but this is normal behaviour for this day and age.

10. She says she needs help to get over her problems even though she doesn't like being "cross-examined". He does not think he needs therapy at all and he isn't being given any. He is said to have "curled into a ball" and refuses to talk about his problems.

The list goes on and on.

Is she typical of someone with RAD and do you think, like I do, that my nephew needs help? I need advice.

Kaz

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This message was originally posted by hope4kids.

Both children are likely to need help. You mentioned that their mom is an alcoholic. Have they been assessed for or diagnosed with Fetal Alcohol Syndrome or Alcohol Related NeuroBehavioral Disorder (FASD)? Many, many doctors are not able to make that diagnosis or rule it out. They need to be evaluated by a doctor familiar with prenatal substance exposure and foster care. Fetal Alcohol kids can often look like RAD kids. They often have attachment issues because the things that come with FASD make attachment more challenging. The reason it is important to know is that the treatment for RAD and the treatment for FASD are not the same.

I have two little ones with FAS. They are young yet, but I have read a fair amount about it. I'll do my best to answer any questions you might have about it.

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This message was originally posted by kazzaco.

Hi hope4kids,

Thanks for the reply.

I wondered about that one too. Their mother drank alochol when she was pregnant with both kids but was drinking more heavily when she was pregnant with my neice. She even took an overdose when she got pregnant with her. Both kids are said to be small for their age but they have put this down to neglect.

I don't think they have tested her for this one though. I know the psychologist was asked originally to test her for ADHD but, although she said she was showing symptoms of this, she wouldn't pin that label on her. She said that her problems could just be caused by her insecurity, neglect and sexual abuse and was too keen (in my opinion) to pin the label of RAD on her. I don't know if she is having any drug treatment at the moment. That is something I will have to find out.

Thinking about it now, her mother had the same behaviour patterns as my neice and her mother was also an alcoholic. Could she also have FAS? ADHD is also hereditry, so could it be that?

From the behaviour patterns my neice is showing, I believe she may have one of these and not RAD, wouldn't you? (my nephew i'm not so sure about). What is the difference between the two? How do you know the doctor has made the right diagnosis? What is the best treatment for both of these? Is ritalin good or not? You read so much about this drug. Can anyone help on this one?

What angers me most in all of this is that they are now putting her in residential care. It is like everyone has just "given up on her". There are no educational facilities at the home (they still have not found her a school in the area that will take her) and there are no trained cousellors or therapists on site either. What good are they doing her?

I want to tell her so much that we want her to live with us and that we are fighting for her all the way but we are not allowed to say anything. I just want to give her some hope that things WILL be better but I feel so helpless.

I'm so glad I found this website and have some support in all of this. Thank you.

Kaz

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This message was originally posted by megwing.

Unfortunately, to a large extent, there simply won't be any answers to these questions until she is with you. These types of things can not be assessed from afar, and until someone is in a safe and consistent environment where their basic needs are being met, there are too many confounding factors.

Yes, you do often see a pattern of fetal alcohol effects across generations. It's not hereditary per se, but a child with fetal alcohol effects is likely to have difficulty with cause and effect, reasoning, impulsive behavior and overall cognitive skills that often lead to risky behavior (such as drinking and then alcoholism, which *is* genetic), that results in unplanned pregnancies and another generation of children with fetal alcohol exposure and poor parenting.

All three of the disorders you mention can co-exist. When ADD co-occurs with FAS, it can be harder to treat as, for some reason, the children don't respond as well to the traditional stimulant medications (although there are now new types of medications on the market). However, the same behavioral interventions that are absolutely necessary for children with FAE/FAS will also help with the behaviors associated with ADD.

M.