[Howdy]

The biological father of my foster child has passed his homestudy and is now allowed contact (letter, pictures, phone calls). Although officially he has not been approved yet, all indications are that my foster-daughter will go live with him in 5 or 6 weeks.

Her emotions are fluctuating back and forth from happy excitement to be going to her Dad to being sad about leaving me.

She announced last night that all the videos I've bought her belong to her and she's going to take them. I told her she could have half, and she told me she would be willing to let me have Treasure Planet. I feel like we are going to have a messy divorce!

What is hers and what is mine? Although she does not know it, I am in the foster-to-adopt program and want to adopt a child. When I was first matched with her, she was supposed to have become adoptable in August, but just before she moved in her father started meeting all the requirements so I've known from the start that she would most likely not become adoptable after all.

I planned to send all her toys with her, and of course the clothes I've bought her, but I didn't expect to have to give up all the videos, because presumably I will soon get another kid, and frankly, those videos add up to a lot of money!

I talked to her Dad and he is willing to take the fish, I am happy to send that with her! I flat out told her 'No Way!' when she said she should take one of my cats. Luckily there are two cats and two dogs in her Dad's home, so she is easily reconciled with that.

Should I ask her Dad if he has any of the same videos? Should I hint around that he should buy copies for her? Should I even admit to the R rated ones (she's only 7, but from previous neglect in the mother's home has a much broader variety of 'favorite' videos than a regular 7 yr old)? (I'd be happy to let her take Creep Show and Blade II)

Does she get to take her SpongeBob bed sheets?

What about books, how many of the books I bought does she get to take?

Should I hire a divorce lawyer?

Any suggestions for transferring attachment and stuff like that, she has alternated between hugging me and not letting go, and trying to give me favorite things of hers to 'remember her' by, and then she'll go the other way emotionally and be mad that she can't pack up and leave now.

She is also saying mean things sometimes about her mom (real mom) and her stepdad (the only father she's known, she hasn't been with her biological father since she was an infant).
She's also making up all sorts of stories about how she and her biological Dad used to do this or that together and how her mom took her away (it might be true that her mom stole her away from her dad when she was a baby, I don't know the details, but the pictures the dad sent include him with her when she was a baby).

My foster-daughter is between therapists, and I don't know if there is anything I should be saying. Should I not let her say mean things about her mom? Should I correct the stories she is inventing about things she used to do with her Dad?

Her bedtime prayer up until now has been about going back to live with her mom and her half-siblings on her mom's side. She's been too excited the past few days to remember to say a bedtime prayer, but obviously it is going to need to be different. Should I leave it up to her to invent, or should I try to help her come up with a new one that shifts emphasis to dad but doesn't forget mom, stepdad, etc.?

Are there any good children's books that concern divorce that might be appropriate in this situation?

[lucyjoy]

You get to make all the decisions about "stuff". If it was given to her as a gift, it is hers, if not, you choose whether to make it one.
Most the things my kids brought with them from other homes, they busted within weeks. Chances are, her father has already bought her some nice things and with all of your may be too much for her. She's nervous and clutching onto stuff because she cannot control anything else. Don't discuss the stuff with her.
Maybe you can say some prayers with her-thank you for letting us spend this time together and thank you for a dad that loves her and let her add whatever else she wants. If she's making up stories about mom, I would gently correct them. I see you're feeling angry or sad about mom but- whatever fits.
Sounds like you've done a good job. Keep the R rated movies, that would just open up a can of worms that needs to stay shut.

[Rowan]

Hello

Having just read your post I do have sympathy with you in having to part with this child.

As you said in the beginning you knew this was a possiblity. If you did not want her to take any of the things that you bought for her when she left your care then you should have not given them to her, or made it clear that they were your possessions for her to borrow right from the start.

All the items that you bought for 'her' should be 'hers' to do with as she pleases.
No one buys someone a present/gift/item with the view of taking it back if something unfortunate happens between you.

You are concerned that when she leaves you that have taught her some valuable to take with her in her future life - well one of these things should be when you give someone something, you do not take it back when it suits you or when something no longer suits you.

I hope your future works out for you - as indeed I hope your foster daughter's life is successful and happy.

Regards

Rowan

[debsdone]

In my home, videos and books belong to the "house". (me .. in other words, lol) Unless it was a wrapped gift to a certain child. When I bring a video home it is for the kids to watch....not to own. It is impossible to say what belongs to whom, without knowing what the deal was when the things were acquired. I hope it all works out. Love, Debi

[Decision]

I agree with Deb in that if a video or certain book that the whole family shares is a house gift and only those gifted to the child is the childs...so the question is when you brought them home did she just assume they are hers or did you gift them? Children are concrete thinkers, if you handed it to them and say this is yours then it is theirs for life, if you popped it in the VCR and said I knew you liked this movie so I bought it for you to watch then it would be the house's. Having three children in my home its best for me to buy it and slip it into the movie collection for them to watch....otherwise the haggling starts. I wish you the best of luck
Hugs
melsisa

[Jensboys]

Part of her wanting to hold on to your stuff is her wanting to hold on to you. If dad is willing, I would tell her you will let her "borrow" 6 videos until we have our visit after you move. That shows her you arent going to disappear from her life either. If dad is willing, arrange for a month after she moves out for you to go visit or whatever, you can "pick up" those 6 movies, and bring her 3 more to "share" until your next visit.

I also would suggest that you make an album or album sheet of your time together. Maybe write her a letter that you can put in her album talking about her special qualities, why you enjoyed taking care of her, how you hope she grows up. Include pictures of your home, pets, family members she knows. Talk about any special times you had. All that will help her transition. Maybe, as well, she could work on it with you.

[Howdy]

I'm not sure what words were used, but probably she said 'will you buy me Such-n-such video, please please please!' and I probably said 'how much does it cost? well, okay, we can buy it'.

There are only her and me, no other kids, so naturally any video was for her to watch.

I think she knows they aren't really hers, because of the way she announced they were, sounded like a junior lawyer, i don't remember her exact words, but it was like 'all the videos you had before are yours and all the ones you bought since i came are mine!' She made the announcement out of the blue while rinsing/spitting out toothpaste in the bathroom, I was taken by surprise, not having thought about the issue at all, and popped out with maybe she could have half. Then she dashed for the bookcase that has the videos. We then had a spirited exchange of 'no that one's mine!' while pulling almost all the videos off the bookcase (where she remembered she didn't like Treasure Planet very much and 'generously' offered to allow me to keep that one), followed by me hauling her off to bed in giggles.

But I anticipate the discussion will become more serious when the time to move gets closer. So I want to know what is fair. Fair to her, fair to me, and fair to the future kid(s).

This was my first experience as a foster mom (or as any kind of mom), so I didn't realize I had to announce ownership at each purchase.

[lucyjoy]

If you said maybe she could have half, you probably should let her. She might feel like you lied. Or, you could pick out a few and say "these are yours to keep".

[HarrysGirl]

I am sure she is on a rollercoaster ride of emotions not knowing what to expect when she leaves your home. She wants to be with her dad but at the same time is scared about leaving what she knows.

If she questions anything else between now and the time she leaves, try not to give quick answers.

I have learned that children spend a lot of time thinking about something and then spring a question on you out of the blue. When you told her she could have half you did not have any time to really think about what you wanted to do. At this point you have committed to giving her half and I would follow through, but it is up to you which half you give her. I agree they should not be rated R. Then try to be fair and give her some of the favorites and keep some for a future child in your home. You can decide which ones you want to give her and wrap them up like a gift and tell her these are the videos I have decided to give you as a gift for your dads home if it is okay with him.

When my children asked questions about some future event or something they wanted to do. I usually tried to give answers like "let me think about that", "I am not sure" or "we can discuss it later". Because children are very smart about getting what they want when you are not thinking.

I believe she is the child and you have to make the decisions as to what stays and what goes. Also don't feel guilty about whatever you decide.

Good Luck

[withopenarms]

WEll the way I look at it is . You get a state check every month for her and if you have boughten movies and such they would be hers,because she is the only child in the house. She know you won't be watching half of these movies. I think the movies can always be replaced (who knows if your next child would even like the same ones) This will also let her hang on to some memories that maybe you don't even realize she has made with you.
The bed sheet should be hers too. ( If she will be having the same size bed at her new house) My children know their own bed sheets ! (barbie versus monster trucks etc.) sounds silly as adults but this stuff is her world and security right now. There has been lots of times where I have spent the entire months money on just clothes because they came with none. I would never let them leave without them, just because the next child might fit some. That is not there fault . I'm not trying to sound to harsh but that is just my opinion.

[Wendi5000]

In a sense the child *is* going through a divorce. She's got a whole set of confusing, conflicting emotions that, being only 7, she's not mature enough to handle. What you described sounds to me like the typical and expected response of a 7 year old child caught up in such an emotional situation. Try to be patient with her and realize that she probably doesn't even know why she feels the way she does.

[HarrysGirl]

The most important things we give to children are not of a material nature. The important things are not tangible like: love, caring, morals, consistency, a feeling of safety, and of being valued. Sending a child out of your home with a bunch of videos is not as important as sending a child on with feeling that she is valued and important.

I do not believe that giving a child the material things they want is nearly as important as giving of your time, attention and love.

Oh and if you get that divorce lawyer, he will end up with the videos

[jankhebert]

Is it really about videos?? I have heard it many times. Emotions are everywhere. Please remember that you as well are having mixed feelings but it is your responsibility to be the parent. This little girl is trying to use her voice. A voice that has not counted anywhere else. She trusts you. If she didnt, she wouldnt be able to voice her concern about the "videos"....

Try taking the "videos" out of the equasion and see what you can come up with.

You can do this. And once you get through this, you will have gained more wisdom and love than you couldve ever imagined.

Praying for you-

[JessTK]

I agree with the last post, it's not about the videos. I know because I have been there. We had a foster son, who we where in the process of adopting, when he went to live with another birthfamily member. We spent a lot of money on name brand clothes, toys, videos and video games, he had come with a few things that had been purchased at a second hand store. When he went to live with his extended bfamily I didn't want to give him all that stuff, because I was hurt and thought I was purchasing the stuff for our son, not our "foster" son. I then realized, so what. I bought him the stuff because I love him and wanted him to have those things, not to save for any future kids (although you are right, they would have been here for our future children). The "reason" you bought her those things was out of love I'll bet.......so IMHO I'd let them go with her because I'm sure you still love her. I know it hurts, but is material things worth possibly hurting your relationship. She is only 7, and those things mean a lot to her, and in her "magic" thinking, she may think I only mattered when I was there, and question the true love you have for her.
This is my experience and what I mulled over, you do what you need to. Good luck, I hope it works out, I understand your pain.....

[peaches76]

i don't know if you had thought about it ,but can you cope the tapes and then you could send a taped note to her and that could help her with move also . just a thought.