[AMom2Two]

If I was in your shoe's, I would let her take anything you bought during the time she was living with you, that was child intended. If you bought video's and she was the first to watch them, then send them with her (you can make copies also, just borrow a VCR). If you bought clothes and she was the first to wear them, then send them. If you bought toys and she was the first to play with them, then let her take them. If you bought a bike and she was the first to ride it, I would send that also. I think children need to have a sense of security. We adults are the only one's that should worry about money and really, in the end, we are not doing this for money but to improve the lives of the children that come through your door.

Please consider sending her on her way with most of what she wants, excluding things that were there before she arrived or are highly personal to you. Give her the sense that she means more to you then any stupid video, toy, etc. Good things come to those who give. The main thing is that this child leaves your house knowing she is loved.

Obviously, I'm not in your shoe's, so I won't presume to understand completely, but that is how I would handle it.

Good luck to you at this difficult time. Bye

[HappyMomAnna]

Thank you AMom2Two! how beautiful and true

[ladyjubilee]

That all sounds "nice" but isn't really practical---unless you're really rich. If foster parents send on everything the child was 'first" to use, they would have to restock EVERYTHING each time a new child arrives.....and that doesn't even address what would happen when 2 or more non related children are in the same foster home. Do you cut the things they played with "first" in half? And how would any fosterhome be prepared for emergency placements if they sent on every item each time a child left.


Besides, you're assuming the parents want the children to have all this "stuff"...which can be a pretty big presumption.

[AMom2Two]

ladyjubilee....

I was only referring to this post in which the original poster said she was looking to adopt and are in the foster to adopt program. They were hoping this child would be the one and it turned out not to be. This is a different situation then a Foster care home without the intention to adopt, don't you think?

You might shower this child with toys and items thinking they will be adopted and then when they are not, it would appear you punish them by taking those items away. This just doesn't make sense to me. I'm sorry.

If the other parents don't want the stuff, let them be the meanie and tell the child no!

[HappyMomAnna]

AMom2Two, I agree with you it has to be heartbreaking to believe adoption is going to happen to only have it fall through. I know that if our children "legal-risk" were to be removed there would be so many more things that we would have given her....and I think that considering this fact you are correct the little girl should not be punished for something she had no controll over....If dad does not want to take her things he will have to deal with the issue on the otherside.... I sure wouldn't want to be remembered as spitefull this little girl has experienced a lot and these memories will last forever at her age.... AND what if things do not work out....it does happen and I have heard of children in this situation going beack one more time to Foster Care... While we wouldn't want this it could happen. Foster family may come back into her life and I personally would not want her to have bad feelings if this did happen......

ladyjubilee,
I can respect the needs of the Foster Home to keep general items...I didn't expect the car seats, crib or items for general use.... but, I did think it might have been nice for our baby to have the bottles he had been using and maybe some toys that were comforting to him...
As for the things Foster Families purchase I see a fine line between "houshold" items and those specifically for a child... I don't know about other states but I do know in Oregon when a child is placed the Foster Family recieves a one-time check for the initial needs.... Only one Foster Placement can use these funds and they are supposed to be used to purchase clothes and things the children need.... Given that these funds are generally used up by the first placement one would assume anything still fitting would go with the child and not be kept for future children...
In our case we took home two children with one bag of worn out things.... The children had been in the home for a mere 9-months and the state had provided over $900.00 for "things" I have a hard time believing were outgrown and worn out when we picked them up.... I also know because until the adoption is final we are Foster Parents and the money we are paid is to be used for these children and their needs only.... I know the suplement is not much but one would assume there might be a few things to show for the states money? Or maybe I am wrong and the money is actually income?
Either way I think it is all about the best interest for the child.... and if we say we love a child enough to want to adopt then I think it is to be expected that we would not want to consider this as a messy divorce....
That implys an end of love and I have a hard time believing that this mother does not love this child... I would still look for a way for the little girl to feel she has taken "her" things on. Maybe those movies will help her when she grieves the loss she will have when she moves on.... Maybe something silly to us will mean the world to her.... do you remember being 10?--I do.

[jodyk]

Just wanted to put my 2 cents in on this.

First, when I first got my fs, I asked the cw about the money (which we all know isn't very much). She said it's to help defray the costs incurred by having a foster child, such as increased utility costs, more groceries, laundry, etc -- things you don't think of. On the check stubs, it says "foster parent pay"; there's nothing that stipulates that this money "belongs" to the child. Although, it is because of the money that I can keep him in a good day care (I have a very high co-pay); after that's paid for, about all that's left is enough for diapers & maybe a couple "extras".

Second, the only things we're obligated to send along with them is whatever is bought with the agency's money, namely clothes.

When my fs was sent back to his mother, I sent at least 35 outfits (many unworn, because I'd made a point of spending the last clothing allowance before he left, but I left tags on the clothes in case the mother hated them & wanted to exchange them [she couldn't have gotten cash because I didn't give her the receipts -- those go to the agency anyhow]), lots of toys, & some of his favorite books, and I used up the WIC coupons that day to provide them with some groceries as well.

When my fs came back to me 4 months later, all he had were the clothes on his back -- and they were filthy. They wouldn't give me an emergency clothing allowance because it was less than a year since he'd left care, and I missed the spring clothing allowance disbursement period. And, their clothes closet didn't have a single article of clothing (except a pair or 2 of socks) that fit him. If it weren't for the clothes a friend gave me & some I'd kept (that I'd paid for), I'd have had to buy all new clothes. And I was also glad that I kept some toys he was given, because none of those came back, either.

So yes, it's important to send the children off with some things to play with & to wear, but I now know to be careful of sending off everything, as they may never get a chance to use it & if you don't keep some of it, you won't either.

[HappyMomAnna]

Thank you--- jodyk--- what you say makes complete sense! And Thank you for being the Foster Parent that you are.
I hope It didn't sound like I was saying there is anything wrong with the way most Foster Families use their funds. I know the "pay" if that is what they call it is so low that it hardly covers anything..... It sounds like you do place the kids needs as important and I am sorry to hear your little boy came back to you empty handed.

[DayByDay]

I planned to send all her toys with her, and of course the clothes I've bought her, but I didn't expect to have to give up all the videos, because presumably I will soon get another kid, and frankly, those videos add up to a lot of money!

I know this is an old post, but I just wanted to remind you guys that you can buy videos and things from EBAY and places like that for as little as 25 or 50 cents each. I'm sure it would come in handy for all the videos that come and go.

[Howdy]

Thanks for the ebay idea, I'll check it out.

My foster daughter moved out last weekend.

I've been online ordering replacements for the books and some of the toys, and feeling very poor. I will definitely take the earlier advice about introducing the toys etc as 'family' items to the next child (tho of course I hope the next one will be the forever one).

I 'stole' a set of toy cars from my fd before she left, I was hoping I could find replacements and then 'find' them and send them to her but they appear to be a discontinued item on Amazon. Does anyone know where I can buy a set of three emergency vehicles (Police Car, FireTruck, Ambulance) that are approx 2/3 the size of a telephone receiver, and make a siren sound and roll on their own for 3 or 4 feet (more if not on carpet)? I originally bought them earlier this year from Amazon for $5 for the set of three. They are really cool, I like playing with them myself, and while I hope my fd doesn't notice they are missing, she might, because even though I didn't actually see her play with them, I'd find them under things, though maybe she only used them for the Barbies to travel on.

[riley6]

We got into fostering in the hopes of adopting children. We asked DCFS to only call us with children who most likely will go through tpr. We had TWENTY children either return home or move into homes with their siblings. We now have the four children we are adopting.

When a child left our home I packed all the things they came with, even if they were outgrown or no longer used. I sent them with anything that was given as a gift, either by us or our family members. If something was bought specifically for their use, such as cameras, skates, a bike, posters, or special toy (like LeapPad) I sent that.

I kept things like sheets (even if they were bought because the child's favorite color was blue), movies (Monster's INC was bought because one child saw the commercial and it looked cute, but all my subsequent kids have also enjoyed it), bikes I've bought at yard sales (for a really good price, just in case we ever got a child that fit it), books, etc.

Most of my children have come with NOTHING. If I had sent everything in my home each time each of the twenty kids left, I would be starting out with nothing each time and gone in the hole financially.

On our monthly stipend it says "Maintanence for (month)". It doesn't nearly cover what we spend for food, additional utilities, camp, dance lessons, scouts, camping, karate, piano, clarinet for band, school pictures, not to mention gas for the car (driving four kids around every day is expensive), time loss from work to stay home when they're sick or have had a rage in school and got suspended for a week, or to buy them the third coat for the season because they "don't remember" where they left the last one.

Liz, are you going to have any contact with your fdaughter? Did you end up sending her with all the books and tapes?

BTW, Anna, I think it's terrible that your children's foster mom sent the children to you with nothing. I hope it was because she was so hurt about losing the kids and not that she was fostering for the money.

[sharkey]

My first fson I sent back about a year ago and I sent much more with him than I probably will be able to with any other child. I sent all the kids books he had in his room even if they weren't bought specifically for him, his clock and cool airplane lamp, bathtub toys, outdoor toys, favorite videos etc.... It worked out well because he probably would not have had very much when he went back with his mom. He came with almost nothing from the emergency placement although his mom did bring some of his old clothes and toys over the year that I had him.

The two that went back yesterday had lots of stuff to begin with. I helped them pack to sort and toss the accumulated junk and trash that they didn't want to take and I did find some house items amongst their things... mostly books borrowed from the "kid's" bookcase. They asked if they could take their clocks and lamps but I had to say no. I can't afford to replace these things every time.

Our change of placement supplement is only $100 and I usually spend much more than that getting ready for a new child because they keep changing the ages/genders on me and I keep accepting kids outside of my "preference". I take boys 4-10 and I just sent back an 11 yr old boy and a 13 yr old girl. Today I get a 15 yr old boy so of course I had to go shopping again!

The 11yr old came from another foster home where the fmom asked that he be removed after only one month. Unfortunately she kept the clothing allowance ($300!) and didn't buy him anything! Grrr. He didn't even have ANY matching socks. My other 11yr old fson came from a group home and had only borrowed shoes, ill-fitting ratty clothes, and a couple of broken toys so I had to completely outfit him too.

We don't watch much tv and rarely watch videos so all videos and dvds are "family" items. I do buy all the kids bikes and let them take those with them but I am trying to accumulate games, toys, and sports equipment that belong to the whole family. I don't have bio kids so it's tricky. I usually tell them it's mine but you can use it as long as you're here or it is for all of us to use.

[HarrysGirl]

Liz,

How are you doing since your fdaughter went back home?
Also has anyone let you know how she is doing?

I hope you have a new child to keep you busy soon!