[rahulsmom]

Liz, I understand where youre coming from. When we thought we would have to give our son "back" a few months ago, I kinda went through the same thing when I wondered what should my son take with him and what stays. And looking back my thoughts and reactions were more out of hurt than anything else. When you bring a child home you give much more than just $$$, you give your heart. And when things change, you think with your heart and again its not only about $$$...

Its not easy and I'm not telling you what or what not to do, just wishing you strength to handle this in the best way for both you and your foster daughter...

[Domino]

If I bought something for the child as a gift it is theirs.

I can't believe someone actually posted that you get a check each month so send them on. Please, I spend twice that on children everytime they come to me without tooth brushes, toothpaste, underwear, deoderant, school supplies, etc, etc.

Specific gifts belong to the child. It is not selfish to want to keep the movies. My home was recently broken into by a previous foster child. She took only things she knew would upset me and of course, there is nothing I can do because I have no proof it was her.

She took all my movies! This day it is very hard to find clean approporate moves for children. I don't buy many but I buy the ones I know I will watch often. It adds up to a lot of money.

I have not been able to replace most of the movies she took because after about 6 months, they are no longer available. The good ones can be ordered over the internet, at twice the original price. I figure she took about 30 movies and the cost to replace will be over $800.00.

Also, you may have many many children before you are able to adopt. Plus you may take short term to help out DFACS. So if you give every one of them the things they say are theirs, you will likely have an empty home.

Also, pack her your self. Most kids suddenly think I am the local Walmart and take everything within reach. I mean everything. Every extra pen I have, tape, picture frames, every single sanitary napkin, extra tooth brushes, shampoo, rinse, toothpaste even things that decorated the bedroom that were mine and had nothing to do with them. If she is going to a permanante home back to a parent it is time for them to step up to the plate and support the kids. Those things cost money to replace and I try to always keep extra of all of them.



Let's look at it this way, are you going to buy a new bed everytime a kid comes and then leaves and let them take that with them?

Be reasonable but look to the future. You do need those things for future children if you are continuing to do this.

[HarrysGirl]

I think Domino got it right. Just because you buy something for a child to use while they are in your home does mean it then belongs to them. The example of the bed is a good one. While that child lived with you it was her bed, but you don't expect her to take it when she leaves.

Besides that, how are you doing Liz. Is the child still with you or has she returned to her father? Good luck to you. [color=blue][color=blue]

[Howdy]

We're doing okay-ish. The video subject hasn't come up lately (except everytime we buy a new one I mention it stays with the house).

I'm wondering now how many books I should let her take if she wants to take books. For sure she gets the one about the self-esteem eating monster, because that is her favorite. I hope she doesn't want to wipe out the bookshelf.

She wants to get a guinea pig and name it Liz (after me) and take it with her. I wonder how her parents would feel about that! ha!

She is very emotional right now, got another month to wait and she alternates between 'I hate you and I'm glad you aren't my mother' and 'I love you, please don't leave me! I love you, you want me to stay!'.

Last night she asked me in a very sad voice if her real mom (she used her name, didn't call her mom) would still be her mom anymore now that she is going to live with her Dad and Step-mom (she used her name too).

Domino - have you checked the Amazon site for used copies of the videos that were stolen from you? Some of the used prices are so cheap that even with shipping the price isn't too bad.

And I agree Domino, it was kind of funny to read someone posting that because I get a check that should make it okay to send along the videos, they must not know how much kids cost and how little the check is. I wish I could claim the kid as a tax deduction, but apparently a child has to stay for over 6 months, and I need to look into tax rules about deductions for day care and after care.

[HarrysGirl]

Liz

I believe that if it does cost you more to support your foster child you can claim the amount over the stipend you receive from the state. I am sure you can do this on your federal return, not sure about state returns and I don't know about time limits the child has to be in your house. Read the rules when you get your 1040 instructions and if it is not clear to you call the IRS. I know I have done it in the past.

Joyce

[saucey95]

Liz,
Peaches76 had a great idea. Buy some blank videos and copy the movies for the child. We did that for our niece. We had a bunch of Disney movies as well as other kid's tapes (Barney, etc) that my mom gave us because we are planning on adopting. Besides the fact that I love Disney movies...LOL
Anyway, we did loan some of them to my niece and my sister-in-law has yet to bring them back. She's bad about selling EVERYTHING at garage sales and I fear that's what's happened but that's another topic. Anyway, we learned real quick to copy the tape for her to take home to watch but keep the originals in the house. Those aren't allowed to leave. It's cheaper and usually costs less than $1.00 a tape.
As for the books, gosh that's a topic close to my heart because I am an avid reader and cherish my books. I'd let her pick out 5 of her favorites and leave it at that.
Not to sound harsh but her father should be the one who will continue her library of books and tapes and whatever else. You are not responsible for providing a whole furnished room in her new home. Since her birthfather took the time and effort to gain her in his custody, then he should also take on the other side of the equation and that means opening up the wallet to provide her with what he feels is appropriate.
You do have to think of the future children.
The guinea pig...I would talk to the birth father or tell her she should discuss it with him when she moves in because some adults do not like pets of any kind including the small caged ones. LOL... She's young so she doesn't realize it but the adult has to be the one to make the decision on what is allowed in the house because more than likely they will be the one to end up caring for any pets or animals brought home.
The sheets...I would let those go. I know it's tough but they are a sense of security for her and one set of sheets should be okay to let go of. This way, when you get another child and they are old enough, they can help to pick out what they would like. If they are only foster children, go with solid colors instead of character sheets so they can be reused. Instead, if the child really wants characters or you want to get them a character, choose a pillow or throw blanket. It will be easier for them to carry it with them and won't hurt so much in the pocketbook when you send it along with them.
The other posts are right in saying she is young and doesn't have a real sense of how to express things verbally. So she goes with what she knows...material possessions. Kids equate stuff with how much they are loved until they learn there is more to love and self-esteem than just the things they have. She sounds pretty worldly also so don't underestimate her. She probably knows more about manipulation than she let's on even if she can't exactly verbalize it.
If you are seriously concerned about her behavior and thought processes right now, contact the social worker and talk to them about your concerns. Also so if there is any possibility the child could get in to see a counselor or therapist to help the child better navigate her course.
By the way, keep the R rated movies in your house.

That's it. Keep us posted on how things are going.

L.

[HappyMomAnna]

My daughter was adopted by us 10-months ago. She still cries about the things the Foster Mother kept...things she believed were hers...like most children. We have talked about the "items" and about why they were hers or were not....
The things that seem to matter the most are the things she was a part of...including vedios... alot of them. Her feeling was that if she had been at the store and been the one who picked then they were hers... It really is that simple in her mind.
She also feels deep pain in things that she saw given to the foster family that were especially for her to use...she watched that lady at the church give the foster mother the "hello Kitty sheets, for her to use" so to her they are hers... And there was a bike three sizes too big that Santa brought... for her.
We were told to expect our children to LEAVE the Foster home with the clothes on their backs and it was pretty close to that.
We were told that even though the Foster Family is paid to meet the childs needs it is assumed those resources will be used by future children in the home.... our one year old came with a sleeper and the teddy-bear his birthmother gave him.
The only thing I can say is that is does come up farily often and my daughter has developed a resentment in the area of "things" she is very possessive about what is hers now, and she does have sharing issues....
I think I would try and find out why your little girl claims ownership of the item and talk about them, you might have to sit down and sort it all out item by item and stand firm on the things your purchased as a "Family" thing and those that were actually given to her.... just picking out what movie to buy does not mean itis exclusively hers.... I presonally, would not say half and half because she needs to understand that a family is a whole unit especially if she is going to become the only child with her father. it could be a valuble lesson she may never have the chance to learn again...and at her age it seems to me you can handle this with out it being ugly.... you are not obligated to allow her to take anything.... she should know this, and then she might be more excitied about the "gifts" you send her with.

[Domino]

Ok, a specific gift to a child, is their's to keep. That should NEVER be a questions. Especially if it was a Christmas give. I don't know why anyone would say from a foster home expect only the clothes on their back. I had a foster daughter for 1 year that came with a book bag of clothing and that's it. (She came from a very well off family). She left with a pick up truck full of clothings and "things". My foster son left with a full set of football equipment, clothing and toys, books and anything else he had received as gifts or items bought specifically for him.

If it was purchased or given by someone TO them specifically. It is theirs.

Remember, children do get things mixed up and I have found that foster children are very, very material minded.

Good luck!

[HappyMomAnna]

I don't wish for anyone to think that all Foster Families would only send the clothes on the childrens backs.... That is what our caseworker told us to expect and as it turned out that is close to what our experience was..... BUT, in no way do I believe it is a general rule of Foster Families... Personally, I wonder if the caseworker just knew this from previouse experience.
I too have seen and heard of many positive things being taken along...by a Foster Child so please don't see my earlier comment as a dig on foster homes... each situation is unique I am sure.
And it is true children are very possessive under the best of situations..... As a Foster parent it really is up to you how you wish to part ways with a child who has been a part of your home.

[Peggy]

My daughter's foster family sent several large containers of things along with her. Tons of clothes, Her bike, and a lot of toys. One or two videos, that were either specifically gifts, or her favorite. I think it all depends on how long the child is there. I think it helps with the transition for her to take some things with her.....I would check with the dad also. Certainly some things can stay with you, like sheets and furniture, and a video library. Specific toys, and clothes, and items that she particularily cherishes...should go. You may keep one or two things, if you visit her that you can take with you later. Being on the recieving end, I did not have to figure out what to keep or what to send. It would be difficult.

[wanttobeparents]

HappyMomAnna,

Are you telling me that the foster family kept the bike that Santa brought her? Man, that is low! Our local community has a "foster child tree" where you pick cards off the tree to give gifts to local foster children. We gave 3-4 bikes a year as well as other stuff (at least until we adopted). I hope those things went with the foster kids and not the foster home!!!!

Peggy

[HappyMomAnna]

And the bikes you have given I am sure have been well loved and used...

Again, I don't think this happens to most children, but it only takes one bad apple before Foster families are accused of all sorts of things.......

My point of bringing this all out is that to a child somethings mean a whole lot. In defense of the Foster Family our daughter was with.... it was three weeks after Christmas and our daughter could not ride said bike...another child in the home could and very much loved that bike...

The first thing we did is buy a bike the right size for our daughter...because we knew about the whole thing....I am sure had we "ASKED" for it...we could have gotten it... we felt uncomfortable doing so... we didn't want to hurt the child who loved it so much.... looking back we should have insisted on taking the bike.... so in some ways we are parties to that crime for not thinking about the whole issue and feeling odd about wanting this and that....

To: ANYONE WHO READS THIS --PLEASE KEEP GIVING FOSTER CHILDREN TOYS, BIKES AND CLOTHES....... especially for Christmas.

I just hope the original post brings out the fact that children see things different then we do, and this Foster Mother needs to think about the little girl and put off her display of disapointment until the little girl is safe and gone.... No one expects you to give away the intire library of movies. I am sure you will figure out how to handle the little girl and it won't end up a messy divorce!

[HarrysGirl]

Unfortunately, when a foster child moves from one home to another it is usually a case manager who does the move. They do not usually have room in a state car for a bicycle. So unless they are able to get a van in which to move a child the bike often stays behind.

Many times the worker tells the child they will get the bike at another time, some do and some don't. Some foster parents will go out of their way to help and move big items like bikes, but sometimes the children move so far from home to home they end up on the losing end. Also not all foster parents drive.

The foster family does not necessarily want the bike they just can't get it to the child's new home. I would hope if the child were being adopted the adopting parents would go get the bike, but then again they don't always know where the child lived before. It is a tough system for the children.

Joyce

[wanttobeparents]

Well, if the bike was too big for her and just right for another child, I understand it staying there. In that case, Santa just got confused as to how much she had grown. And knowing that she was coming to your house, he left the right bike there instead when he found out that she was a little smaller than he thought.

We do continue to pick names off the tree, only now our son does the picking, and we avoid the bigger ticket items since I stay at home now.

Peggy

[Domino]

Anna, I am sure you are a loving, wonderful mom!

Some of the questions or statements were about cost of keeping child and what you can claim on income tax etc. If it cost more to "raise" a foster child that you get for your per diem, you can do nothing to recoupe that cost. As they say in Georgia, it is a "volunteer" not a paid position. The point is to maintain the child and not for what we foster parents fear, make money keeping foster children. You can claim the child on your income tax, most states also, if they live with you for 6 months or more and IF they have a social security number. (Remember, non US citizens do not qualify).

There are other programs that may help. In Georgia if the child is 14 or older, they fall under the additional agency of Independent Living Program or ILP. They will pay for additional education or enrichment. They help with senior expenses and feels for the SAT, etc. They pay for piano, guitar, tennis lessons, things that enrich the child.

You can also get funds from other agencies but remember they basically expect you to match their funds to a point.

Join the local Foster/Adoptive parents assoc and try swaping clothing and things that you can and share. Buy community "bikes", movies, outdoor toys like bats and balls.

AND if they have parents that are involved and love their children, there is no reason THEY can't contribute items the children want or need. My 14 year old is in contact with her dad and he lives in another state. Well $300 or so a year is no way enough for a teenage girl for clothing. What about makeup? Homecoming dresses? etc??? He asked what he could do and I told him. Send money. He sent me a money order and I called him and told him exactly what I spent it on including offering to send receipts.

My case workers will also call parents upon occasion to ask for financial help. After all, if the state did their job, the parents would be paying child support. DFACS is not suppose to be a free ride for birth parents.

Domino