[kalynn]

Hi, I'm in the process of my second adoption through foster care. I myself have never fostered. The little guy we are adopting (3 years old) has been in his current foster home for about 5 mos. Can anyone help me understand what it is like for the foster mother to be losing this child? She is fairly young and new to fostering and has her own child. Her mother has fostered for a long time so she is familiar with the process. I am having difficulty connecting with the foster mother during this time when we should be coming together to meet the needs of this child moving from one household into another ... It seems like she doesn't like us ... she called the social worker on us to 'tattle' about a discussion we had on our second visit. She had our phone number and if she had concerns she could have talked to us directly. Now I feel even more like I don't know how to interact with her if she is going to take apart every thing we talk about and run to the social worker ... Hoping for some perspective or advice. Thanks, Kalynn.

[kyleashmom]

My foster girls left Aug 3 we had them for 3 yrs. It was hard letting them go but we knew this was the best for them, we gave them a big going away party, I bought them charm bracelets so they can remember us and I wrote them some letters telling them how we felt about them. I was the one that got the visits going for the new family, and I made sure that I was always open for transporting the girls. We brought all the stuff out to the new family we had 2 truck loads of stuff that the girls had in our home.

We have yet to hear from the new family at all, she won't return my emails. I do not feel right calling her if she won't return emails, I feel hurt and mad that she has not emailed just to say they are fine. I feel like we have put all this time and effort into these children and now they are gone in a flash with no word. I am not asking for a visit I just want to see how they are doing.

I sent R a birthday card and money (check) I know they cashed it and I know she signed her name, but no mention through email or thank you card. I always taught the girls to send thank you cards. I am just really hurt, they were like my girls and I cared for them like mine!

Now we are in the process of adopting a boy that is 8, I know what you are going through. His foster mom is nothing like I was with the girls new family, she is not eager to get visits started, called me once but hasn't set up any visits. He lives 2 1/2 hrs from us. The foster mom is not bringing him to us but the social worker is. It is hard to not have a that contact to see how my son is doing. But I know that once he moves in I will send her a note saying he is doing good!


Debbie

[mckenna]

i hate to hear stories of foster parents and adoptive parents not working together. my friend is strictly a foster parent and some of her children have been adopted out. she is always receptive to facilitating visits and keeping them informed of what is going on. however, only one of the adoptive families still keeps in touch. they even named their little girl after her (that really touched my friend). how unfortunate for the children involved when the adults don't work together.

[Jensboys]

We too adopted boys that had been in the same foster home for 3 years... I had fostered once before and knew how emotionally difficult it was for us, so I attempted to be respectful of the foster mom. For that first month when we just exchanged phone calls, I really just got to know HER and became her friend. I knew that her support of the adoption was so needed for the boys to feel secure with the move.

Now 4 years later ... we still keep in regular contact through phone, letters and pics. The sad thing is, of all her kids that she has fostered (over 30) i am the ONLY adoptive parent that keeps in contact. I feel so sad for those kids - because me agknowledging their foster family is agknowledging a big part of their life ... and helps them to know that they were loved before us too. She has been a wonderful resource to help me, especially when the boys first arrived ... you know ... E is doing this what would you do ... and she could offer me advice.

[6kiddos]

We have been foster parents for many years and know the grief involved when a child leaves your home...we are now adopting a child that was in another foster home for over a year, so we have made an extra effort to be forgiving of any comments or actions that may seem to be negative toward us. Pain causes people to do and say things that they ordinarily wouldn't do or say.

Foster families do incredible things for children...nurturing them and loving them through difficult times while knowing that they will return to their birth families/other relatives (80% do!) or possibly be adopted by other families. What wonderful examples of selfless love! So often foster families hear the expression "I would love to do foster care, but I love children so much that I would never be able to let them go!" Real selfless love looks at the needs of the child and not you own needs and that is what foster families represent...real love. But real love causes real pain and even selfless, nurturing, caring, wonderful people suffer that pain and sometimes lash out at the wrong people. Be forgiving of each other and keep the child first in all of this. Find ways to let the foster family know how much you appreciate what they did for your child...it may take a while to build a relationship, but finding that connection is vital to allowing your child to feel free to love many people. My child has a photo album filled with pictures of people who love her...we need to start another album because it is so full!