[amylauren3030]

We all have a choice in dealing with our emotions. We all have a choice in being bitter or not. So while there was no choice as an infant, there is a choice now.
We have the choice to carry it around or let it go.
Anyway, I am tired of this thread. I have decided what I will do regarding the name change, which was the original thread.
Never meant to cause any hurt feelings. Like I said before, good thing we have freedoms to choose and to voice our opinions. I hope the rest of your life is better for you than the past has been. God is good all the time/prayer works.
Best to you,

[usedtobe]

Originally Posted by amylauren3030

Oh my gawsh!!!
This is a first. I have never written a negative response on the forums...but my buttons have been pushed to the max...Get over it!!

When do people that go around blaming others for their problems finally except some responsibility? We are talking about foster I was ADOPTED after the age of one. Prior to that, the shrew told me I lived in an orphanage of sub-human care. Instead, I had in fact, lived with a foster family - who by the way, DID use my Birth Name. It would have been far better to have been ASKED what relevance did my adoption have with Foster Care, rather than fume with blazed fury. children that have been abused, neglected, shattered...real trauma...my son said he didn't care about any foster kids...taking care of them would take away from what he wants. Get over it. My abuse, neglect, shattering real-life trauma, the likes of which you will never know, (I can guarantee), took place in the Safe Home I was granted through Adoption .Now he tells everyone he had such a terrible upbringing...once again, boo hoo hoo. I assure you, there is Boo Hoo, and there is the guttural howl only a wounded animal will roar when wishing death to relieve the agonizing pain. Shame on the mother who ignores her child's cry. Even the little boo-hoo's. I have raised 5 children, 1 whiny one out of 5 is not bad odds. I gave birth to 4 children who must live with a mom who has no idea how to be a mommy, because she never had one. My oldest, since she turned 10, has been a real source of pain for me; a pain I must keep to myself, because little girls should not know the horrific sins of their grandmothers. My childhood was not perfect and I bet you will find that none of the other members were either. Life is not perfect. My step-son's mom died...and he has this fantasy that he would have had a PERFECT life if she had lived...Doubt it...! Interesting, I have these nightmares that will not go away because my mommy-dearest stayed in her room, with the door shut & locked as she heard me howl in pain begging for her to save me from the brutality of my brother, HER son. I learned to howl at the age of 10. perhaps you would have had a perfect life if your bmom had raised you? FOR ME, LIVING AMONG RATS WOULD HAVE BEEN AN IMPROVEMENT. "Perfect"? I'd have been happy with Safe.
I think I am appropriate in saying that we ALL sympathize with your feelings, but WE are good adoptive homes and we love our children...whatever their name is. Their names will be reflective of their new family and the love we share...obviously, their bfamily could NOT provide that or we wouldn't be allowed to adopt them. And obviously, there are adoptive parents who do not share that sentiment. I cannot understand why it is the adoptee who must learn to Get Over Life, and accept that life is not perfect. Are we not the ones denied our mommies, in the first place? Do we not know already the disadvantages some have over others? What is NOT fair is the insistence that these feelings are not to be felt by the child living without any Family. It is not fair that because I defy the Happy Homestead Act, I am given a deluge of REMINDERS that those NOT placed in such loving homes must simple grin & bear it, and become more responsible. "Stop blaming others for my misery". OK I feel better. May be banned, believe me, you won't. Yours is an opinion that seems to be popular, on many counts but I feel better.

Pity, really, because my intention was to express, AS an adoptee, what can happen if a child, who has been adopted, discovers he/she had an original name, but was never told. The question to which I was replying was,
Quote:
Originally Posted by mom2GRLC
I'm just curious how you feel about an adopted child taking on the last name of the adopted family in place of their original last name.

Does that in your opinion really damage the child and cause a lifetime of identity issues?


Regardless of the means, age, or reason an adoption takes place, something as "simple" as a name is very significant to a child who has no biological connection to ANYONE in his/her family. Contrary to the idyllic fantasies some mothers have of their adopted children as being "their own, in every way", the child knows differently. The reason WHY parents don't believe this constant awareness WE have of being Different is because of guilt, fear, worry, anxiety and shame instilled by reactions that display anger and outrage towards a comment that sounds offensive to the ears of a mother. What's offensive, really, is the ears of a mother will get so distracted by self-imposed, incorrect assumptions, the Essence of what's being shared is not given the attention it deserves. The outcome is one that's angry & hurtful.

For the record, I did not find it necessary to provide my biographical history as offered-proof to be granted the opportunity to express my opinion. Had it been, I would have given it, because I believe EVERY parent needs to be aware that really horrific things happen to children, but they are too afraid to tell Mommy of Daddy because they fear anger & hurtful reactions. My intention was sincere, and meant for those moms who are genuinely concerned about the affect a Name has on their child. What a thing of beauty, to me, to know there are Mommies out there who WORRY about a child's need for the name given to him at birth!! Such sensitivity and love you show your child for thinking like a Mommy. After all Mommy knows how to make everything better... no matter what.

I am sadly given yet another example, by another adoptive mom, (because quite frankly, it has been the ADOPTIVE MOTHERS who have unleashed rage towards me for my brutal honesty.) It seems, had I NOT been adopted, all the abuse, neglect, torment & torture I have endured would have rendered me An Inspiration of Strength & Triumph. However, because I DO define myself as an Adoptee, I am an ungrateful child-who-refuses-to-grow-up & uses foul terminology to describe the beautiful loving woman who raised me. Oh, and I choose to "go around blaming others for their problems finally except some responsibility?"
Yes, I DO blame others for my misery. Just as any person would blame a repeat offender of brutal savage crimes. [In fact, had I NOT been the Adopted Child of a shrew, I imagine my attacks would not have been Repeated.] Perhaps I've been wrong all this time, thinking I SHOULD be treated like an ordinary human being in this world. I see with my own eyes how an innocent man who tries to defend this wench, is given the wrath of anger & hostility, too. All because he speaks the same language as mine? Perhaps it's because of the accent ? Or is it the words, themselves? Maybe they get lost in translation, and that's why we're not granted worthy entitlement to offer opinions, as it relates to a subject of personal interest.

Based on the reactions I have been given by a group of mothers recently, it seems I must really begin to accept that in certain situations and issues, adoption nullifies my social order, and renders me unjustified to have a life-time of some deep felt sadness. For instance, it is wrong to express mournful loss over the robbery of a gift I was given within the first few days of life. Interestingly, I hadn't know exactly what it WAS that always made me empty and disassociated from those who called me Daughter. I knew I never felt love & warmth from the sound of my spoken name. I never even "felt like a ____". It felt just as it still does when looking into a mirror, and not know whose face mine resembles or whose curly hair I've been given, I'd also wonder "Why was I named____? Was it chosen for A Reason? Who thought of it?" I learned not all that long ago that I lived my first year in a Foster home, with a family - and knew only Them as My Family. I was called by my birthname. I was told that the "exchange" took place in a hotel lobby, and before the shrew & spouse left the country, my name was already changed. Compared to the story of being left unattended in a hideous orphanage, there is STILL much to process...But instead, I should remind myself that EVERYBODY experiences loss, and to dwell on the past, is to refuse a willingness to Grow Up. Ah... if only I had listened to my mom...

Finally, it is no more my fault awful things were done to me, than it is anyone else's fault. And I do not live my life with my Past as my Portrait. My experience is the result of being brought into a house of savage beats who chose to have me mauled for over 20 yrs. The reason? I was adopted. I was lirtally told, "You are not One Of Us. You are not family, we keep you." I was ridiculed, abused, tormented, tortured, ignored, dismissed, and cast-out by my "family" in ways that rival Dave Peltzer's experiences. But I keep these things to myself. Except for HERE. An adoption Forum. Where I seek support, understanding, and MAYBE, (just MAYBE) a little tiny bit of empathy to be tossed out to me, the wounded adoptee that few will to accept as a worthy representative of all the adoptions that have and DO take place. I am neither wonderful or sucessful... I am Me, because of the adoptive parents I was given.

So yes, actually, there is one person I blame for my life-long misery, and that is the woman I call The Shrew. She is the one who robbed me of all that was sweet, pure, innocent, new and cherished. A First Time Mom took a birth certificate and baptismal letter home with her, leaving behind her little baby girl, believing she was doing the right thing, by giving her baby girl a Better Life than she would have had with her.A woman made a promise to another woman , who gave birth to a baby girl, she would love, protect, and keep _______, as her very own. I had a mom who traveled the world as an international medical professional. I had a mom who named me, but was afraid her lifestyle would have been too disruptive for me. I had a mommy, but was given to a shrew, who's first plan of action was to change my name, completely.

Ain't life a kick in the pants?

Now you know WHY many adoptees - the ones who really NEED help, support and a little TLC from complete strangers would rather KEEP QUIET, and swallow the bile of disgust, than tell the truth.

Please remember, the reflection I give is that of the experience I had through my adoption. I find there are two types of responses I get. The Mommy, "I will learn from your story, and try not to forget how sensitive a child really is, and how The Child always lives in the heart of that person"... and then there is the shrew response. The one that's hostile, and angry that ends with a turned back, and a huff of disgust. Those are the responses that tell me little has changed from my childhood. Those are the responses that produce fear.

[Umbilical child]

http://www.unhchr.ch/html/menu3/b/k2...nner-title.gif


Convention on the Rights of the Child

Article 7

• 1. The child shall be registered immediately after birth and shall have the right from birth to a name, the right to acquire a nationality and. as far as possible, the right to know and be cared for by his or her parents.

[DreamingAzure]

Originally Posted by Umbilical child

http://www.unhchr.ch/html/menu3/b/k2...nner-title.gif


Convention on the Rights of the Child

Article 7

• 1. The child shall be registered immediately after birth and shall have the right from birth to a name, the right to acquire a nationality and. as far as possible, the right to know and be cared for by his or her parents.

If I remember my history correctly this doesn't have anything to do with "birth" names or changing that name, but a statement against giving babies numbers instead of names by agencies and countries. At one time it was common practice to give babies numbers instead of names before adoption so instead of being 'cinderella tinkerbella smith" they would be 'baby smith 584' until after they were adopted.

[sgtmax]

to usetobe
Having never read any of your story on past post, my first thought when reading this thread was "boy is she intense and very angry and negative)......but having read further before chosing to reply and reading what you posted about your background I can say that I understand your calling your adopted mom a shrew, quite frankly I think you are being mild with that name. I can also understand why you feel so strongly about loosing your birthname (which was given out of love) and being renamed by a person who made it clear that they did not love you. I feel terrible for the child that you were and the childhood you missed. That said,
perhaps this may not be a possibilty but have you thought about taking back your birth name and loosing your adopted name. No it will not bring back your lost childhood but it may make the rest of your adulthood a little more pleasant if you actually like what people call youi
As to changing tha names of children adopted through foster care here is my opinion......We have 4 siblings.....they are in care for the second time....the first time due to very unusanitary living conditions.....they were returned to mom after a big clean up but dad was not to have contact with them as it came out that he has been sexually abusing the three girls................. The children have been with my family now for 18 mo and their case is moving to TPR and when that happens we will adopt them. I have given the girls ages 8, 8 and 6 the choice of keeping their current first and middle name or changing it to something else......the girls are choosing to keep part of their birthnames and adding names that are family names from my and my husbands family......our FS who is 4 either replys that no he does not want his name changed or that he wants to be called horsey.......We will definatly be changing his middle( he is a JR to his monster of a birth father). If my girls had said that no they did not want to change thier names ( I am talking first and middle) Then they will/would not be changed.......they still have time to change their minds.......
Just my opinion

[bajj]

Originally Posted by usedtobe

Betray: 1. To be treacherous (double-cross/slang) 2. To disclose in a breach of confidence (divulge, reveal, uncover, unveil; let the cat out of the bag, spill the beans/slang) 3. To victimize (someone) by underhandedness (deceive) 4. To cause to accept what is false, especially by trickery or misrepresentation (deceive).

Interesting, isn't it? Here is a scene taken from the drama, "A Day in the Life of ________." A Child is born to a woman who chooses a name to give her baby. That name is printed on a document to give identity to that child, for all to see, know & recognize. Some moms even choose to include her child in an important family tradition or religious ritual before her child would become a member of a Different Family. A family she will never know, because she signed, on a dotted line, that she will relinquish all ties to her baby. Forever. Perhaps this is why she chose to name her baby & have her baby participate in an important ceremony, such as baptism.
Before relinquishment. Perhaps she needed to see and hold in her own two hands, a permanent record - documentation - that identifies herself as the Mom who gave birth to a beautiful healthy baby, whom she gave a name for all to see, know & recognize as One Individual's Identity. Forever.

A new mother is given a profound honor of naming her child. It is not simply a matter of what seems to go well with a last name; it is a Name. A Person, A Life - with a past, present, AND future. The mom allows a piece of her heart to be given to the life of a baby, who will always be known, recognized and identified by the name chosen by his mommy. For some moms, all that remains of her child is a name. One such mom is the birth-mom, who agrees to relinquish her child to another woman. With that woman, goes with her a piece of a mommy's heart that has been given a name that will be recognized as the identity of that child; that person - with a past, present & future.

Let's say that child becomes a new member to a new family, and that family decides that child needs a New Name. A New Identity. One that frees that child from any ties, links and chains to The Past. This New Name replaces the Old, as the new document, with the raised seal, will indicate. Perhaps the name-change was given approval and permission by the child's mom; perhaps not. One cannot guess what happens behind closed doors. Just as one cannot guess what happens when A Child discovers the name used is not the name that was given by that child's mom.

Which came first, the Mom or The Name? Who gets to decide? The Law. Not the first-named parent, and not the child. The Law against nature decides what a child will be called.

Who has been betrayed?

Who fears betraying others?

All because of a Name? Apparently so...

It is an act of betrayal to deny a child and his/her mother the name she chose and decided to give at birth. A woman gifted her baby with a name that will forever identify that soul to the mommy's heart. But New People denied that gift to mom and baby.

At least that's how it is in This Real World for Adoptees who wonder if the name our parents use are the names our mothers gave us.

---------------------------------------------------------------


I changed my child's name because he was legally "baby boy." Sorry, but I just didn't think he would appreciate being called baby boy his whole life.

[clare66]

hi there,
i have been reading the above messages with interest, i am an adopted person who's name was changed after my papers were signed and i will never understand why anyone would want to do this, i and most adopted people were given perfectly nice names at birth and all children should be given the dignity of keeping their name.
adoption has its pros and cons for all concerned but for adopted people it is like going into a witness protection scheme, names changed, birth certs locked away and often no medical history so to speak.
i have and always did have a good relationship with my adoptive parents and am not having a "go" at any of you who have changed the childs name but i ask you to think long and hard before you do so .
regards clare

[DreamingAzure]

I feel so strongly about this issue that it's hard for me NOT to be defensive.

There have been a lot of broad generalizations posted here....mainly in regards to how adoptees feel about name changes. But some as to why Aparents change names.

Personally,the adoptees I know(IRL who are my friends) are HAPPY that their names were changed(although several of them wish that their aparents hadn't picked such popular names, One friend went to school K-5th with 4 other Heathers in the same classroom). However I will add they all know what their birthnames were. It wasn't something that was hidden from them.

My friend M was a "hippie" era baby and her bname was "Sunshine Freedom" She is THRILLED that her Aparents loved her enough to realize what that kind of a name would do to her. I do have several friends who have changed their names when they got into their 20s but it was NEVER back to their birthname.

I think we all get wrapped up in what WE are feeling, and tend to forget that Each family is VERY different, just as each child is different.

I don't think a bname should be hidden from an adoptee, it's something that the aparents should share with them.

A friend of mine tells her son B, who is now 6, "The name story" and in the story she tells him: "When you were born your bmommy held you for the very first time and she gave you a very special name just from her, she called you XYZ... When I held you and kissed you for the very first time Daddy & I gave you a very special name too, We named you BCD."

That is just a small portion of B's Name Story, but it means a lot to both B & his parents

A Changed name does not always mean a hidden or secret name. It should simply means another special name for a very special child.

[jennandsteve]

We kept part of our daughter's name and changed part of it and will do the same with our son. The names we have chosen for our children have great significance to us and are family names. I hope that this will increase our children's feeling of belonging and being part of our family.

As for not knowing any adoptees who are happy or who wish they had birth name...my sister and mom are both adopted and extrememly well adjusted. My moms name was not changed but my sister's was and she has no problem with that.

Jenn