[Southernroots]

I don't doubt that changing a name can sometimes be done "safely", and I understand that in some circumstances that there might be valid reasons for changing names. But, I just question changing a name when a child already is old enough to know its name when the sole reason for doing so is that the adoptive parents do not like the name the child has. Sure parents have the right to change names, but, I think it isn't something to be done lightly.

As for changing a name so that the child will "fit" in better with other family names, that concept is even more worrisome to me. Again, is it more important that a child retain a name that it is used to or that their name mesh with others in the family? As adoptive parents, I think it is a better idea to respect an adopted child's differences instead of trying to have the child "fit in". I know many adoptees whose parents tried to mold them into exact replicas of themselves when because of their genetic make-up they were very dissimilar from their adoptive parents. Getting off the track here a bit, but.... I think it is important, that adoptive parents acknowledge that their adopted children have pasts and try to respect their pasts and not attempt to erradicate it all (even if some of it was bad).

I understand the desire to want to name a child, I really do, but, again, I think what is best for the child is what is paramount. And unless there are safety concerns which necessitate a name change, I question whether it is in a child's best interest. Sure, they'll survive it, but, I just think they'll have enough change to deal with and do not see the need to add something else for them to adjust to.

[spaypets]

Southernroots--I agree, once a child is old enough to say his/her name that changing it can be problematic. However, choosing a new name for my daughter was a _parenting_ decision.

Her name was an Indian name that was hard to say and hard to remember and, honestly, sort of unpleasant sounding to the American ear. It isn't even a very popular name in India.

She will have enough adjustments to make, being the Indian daughter of European decended parents in a fairly undiverse community. Giving her a name that most people think is pretty and is easy to say and remember (although for some unfathomable reason is frequently mispelled!) was to her benefit.

They've done studies and children with easy to pronounce names are more popular with their peers than children with difficult names.

Yes, I had selfish reasons for wanting to name my child, but my reasons weren't all about me. My DD knows her Indian name--it's not like we don't talk about it.

[Southernroots]

Not saying that I never think that there is a good reason to change a name. I can see how in your situation choosing a more commonly used name makes sense. Having a name people make fun of might be worse than having your name changed.

All I am saying is that just changing the name solely because the parents do not like the old one or want a "cuter" one, isn't enough of a reason to add more for a child to deal with. I just think that it is a decision that should be carefully weighed because I do think that it has potential to be tough for a child.

[sues250]

I realize this is an old thread but was wondering the input of others one of the kids my husband and I applied to adopt for his first name is the same as our last name. He is a little over 2 years old any ideas of what to do? My d kept her first name and we decided on a middle name together it was really a bonding thing for us. She was 8 at the time.

[mab_123]

My daughter wanted to change her name so after talking and explaining to her and talking it over with her theropist we decided to give her two first names. Of course we call her by the name she perfers but this way she still has the name she was born with and a new name with her new family. She seems to be adjusting well with it.

My oldest wanted to change his middle name but keep his first name the same. We did this as well

I think it's good to let the child(ren) have a say if they are old enough. We talked to them for several months about this before we offically decided something.

There are all kinds of opions about this. Do what you think is best.

Good luck

[Umbilical child]

Now here is something that hasn't come out yet...I am an adoptee I still have the same first name given to me by my Biological Mum. It is the only thing that came with me and I am forever grateful my A parents didn't change it.....I really don't know why there is a need to change a child's name at all..Kind of feels like an attempt at branding.....

[debbys]

sues250, I think your child is young enough to change his name but, just think about how easy it would be for him to learn to write his name! One year in my prek class there was a boy who's first and last names were the same (and only 4 letters). He was so pleased that he could write his whole name before any of the other kids. Debby

[mom2GRLC]

I've heard many negative remarks regarding changing my childrens names(remarkably...only from these forums...everyone in the REAL world has always been very supportive). We've adopted 3 kids and are in the middle of adopting our 4th. Every child has a had a name change either completely or partialy. Our 2 oldest children had the joy of picking out their new names. Our kids were 5,3,7weeks and 8 weeks when we started introducing their new names. It has been a very positive thing in our family for our (kids).

I think it's important for kids to feel like they have a special place in their adoptive families. Giving them a new name gives them a constant reminder of how special they are and how they will always be a part of this new family that has been created. They are the same child but their future has forever been changed. They deserve to have a new (special) name that signifies that change in their life.

I think whats best for the child can only be determined by the parents who will be raising them, teaching them, guiding them. Children will love and accept who they are and where they've come from if it is presented to them in a positive way. My kids will always know how adoption has blessed our life and theirs. They will always know the truth of why they came into fostercare and why their birthparents rights were either terminated or surrendered. They will always know that regardless of their birthparents inability to care for them properly that they were always loved by them and always will be. They will always know the special name picked out for them at birth that will always be a part of them.

Giving them a new name doesn't mean erasing their past and pretending they were born to us(i think that's why so many people on these forums have a problem with changing a childs name) It's about giving the child a new begining in a new family. They are the same child....yet nothing in their life will be the same...I THINK THAT IS A POSITIVE THING...especially for these kids coming from fostercare. Even if the child was to young to remember what abuse or neglect brought them to the adoption in the first place. They still deserve that new start and special place in the adoptive parents family. A new name is just a special token they will always have that they were special and wanted and how their life has forever been blessed and changed by adoption.

[athena09]

Mom2GRLC - I have to agree with what you said, I can see that perspective very clearly. DH and I have been wondering about this ourselves. We are trying to adopt a little girl that has had a rough life in her short 5 years. Her bmom and bgrandmom are both in jail constantly and have drug/alcohol problems. I don't know how I feel about them being able to find her. I love her 1st name though, it is very different and beautiful. We still don't know what we will do.

[spaypets]

Originally Posted by Umbilical child

Now here is something that hasn't come out yet...I am an adoptee I still have the same first name given to me by my Biological Mum. It is the only thing that came with me and I am forever grateful my A parents didn't change it.....I really don't know why there is a need to change a child's name at all..Kind of feels like an attempt at branding.....

And what's wrong with choosing a name that suits a family if that's what you mean about branding? I think, when you tell a child his/her history you can and should tell the child his/her original name. But I don't think you are obligated to keep an infant's name (obviously, unless there was a prior agreement with the bparents).

[Umbilical child]

[quote=mom2GRLC]I've heard many negative remarks regarding changing my childrens names(remarkably...only from these forums...everyone in the REAL world has always been very supportive). QUOTE]


Hmmmmmmmm.......the REAL world....gee...I don't know what to say, perhaps I should wake up to myself....get back into the REAL world..This whole adoption fantacy I have lived, along with it's imaginary identity crisises and dreamy search for self belongs to the megabites of an anonomous think pad world..... and as for life being forever BLESSED and changed by adoption I am in soooo much denial.....Why don't I feel blessed? can anyone shed some light here?........please show me how to pick the locks so I can break into your real world.......I really should have grown up by now...this whole struggling to find myself for a THIRD time at the age of 38 is so pathetic.......hope your kids don't have to go through all this.........

[usedtobe]

Betray: 1. To be treacherous (double-cross/slang) 2. To disclose in a breach of confidence (divulge, reveal, uncover, unveil; let the cat out of the bag, spill the beans/slang) 3. To victimize (someone) by underhandedness (deceive) 4. To cause to accept what is false, especially by trickery or misrepresentation (deceive).

Interesting, isn't it? Here is a scene taken from the drama, "A Day in the Life of ________." A Child is born to a woman who chooses a name to give her baby. That name is printed on a document to give identity to that child, for all to see, know & recognize. Some moms even choose to include her child in an important family tradition or religious ritual before her child would become a member of a Different Family. A family she will never know, because she signed, on a dotted line, that she will relinquish all ties to her baby. Forever. Perhaps this is why she chose to name her baby & have her baby participate in an important ceremony, such as baptism.
Before relinquishment. Perhaps she needed to see and hold in her own two hands, a permanent record - documentation - that identifies herself as the Mom who gave birth to a beautiful healthy baby, whom she gave a name for all to see, know & recognize as One Individual's Identity. Forever.

A new mother is given a profound honor of naming her child. It is not simply a matter of what seems to go well with a last name; it is a Name. A Person, A Life - with a past, present, AND future. The mom allows a piece of her heart to be given to the life of a baby, who will always be known, recognized and identified by the name chosen by his mommy. For some moms, all that remains of her child is a name. One such mom is the birth-mom, who agrees to relinquish her child to another woman. With that woman, goes with her a piece of a mommy's heart that has been given a name that will be recognized as the identity of that child; that person - with a past, present & future.

Let's say that child becomes a new member to a new family, and that family decides that child needs a New Name. A New Identity. One that frees that child from any ties, links and chains to The Past. This New Name replaces the Old, as the new document, with the raised seal, will indicate. Perhaps the name-change was given approval and permission by the child's mom; perhaps not. One cannot guess what happens behind closed doors. Just as one cannot guess what happens when A Child discovers the name used is not the name that was given by that child's mom.

Which came first, the Mom or The Name? Who gets to decide? The Law. Not the first-named parent, and not the child. The Law against nature decides what a child will be called.

Who has been betrayed?

Who fears betraying others?

All because of a Name? Apparently so...

It is an act of betrayal to deny a child and his/her mother the name she chose and decided to give at birth. A woman gifted her baby with a name that will forever identify that soul to the mommy's heart. But New People denied that gift to mom and baby.

At least that's how it is in This Real World for Adoptees who wonder if the name our parents use are the names our mothers gave us.

[Umbilical child]

Beautifully put......

[mom2GRLC]

Hmmmmmmmm.......the REAL world....gee...I don't know what to say, perhaps I should wake up to myself....get back into the REAL world..This whole adoption fantacy I have lived, along with it's imaginary identity crisises and dreamy search for self belongs to the megabites of an anonomous think pad world..... and as for life being forever BLESSED and changed by adoption I am in soooo much denial.....Why don't I feel blessed? can anyone shed some light here?........please show me how to pick the locks so I can break into your real world.......I really should have grown up by now...this whole struggling to find myself for a THIRD time at the age of 38 is so pathetic.......hope your kids don't have to go through all this.........[/quote]

I was refering to the world "I" live in. With my relationships with others. Obviosly there are others in the Real World who face these challenges that you speak of....I can not speak for everyone. I was just posting my feelings....that these boards do have a lot of very upset birthparents or adoptess....and I do not feel they're opinions are in the majority. I knew this topic would quickly turn negatively(as it did for me..when I brought up the same subject) and was only trying to help her see that she needs to do what she feels best for her child and not ONLY look at the opinions of those on these forums who would tell her how TERRIBLE she would be...for doing it, and how much DAMAGE she would be doing to her child.

I changed all of my childrens names...and I did so because I do feel it is in their best interest.....I can't tell what the future has in store for them....I certanly hope they don't feel the way you do....hopefully my positive words to them through out the years and the fact that I do talk with them all the time about their feelings....will help to make this subject less tramatic than it was for some adoptees.

[Umbilical child]

Originally Posted by mom2GRLC

Obviosly there are others in the Real World who face these challenges that you speak of....I can not speak for everyone. I was just posting my feelings....that these boards do have a lot of very upset birthparents or adoptess....and I do not feel they're opinions are in the majority. .

Well you should check out the size of the member list and filter your way through the posts left by Bmums and Adoptees........Look everything about adoption can be contentious and as an adoptee that is what we live through all of our lives...I too was putting my opinion down in response to the original post and I find it interesting that the only two adoptees that have responded have done so with a similar opinion....walk a mile in someone's shoes....