[scarlet52698]

I'm just going to throw in an adoptee perspective here........and this is just my opinion I'm sure other adoptees may feel differently.

If I found out that my aparents had changed my entire name when I was three it would have freaked me out a bit. I would want to know more about this other person that I used to be. It would bring up a lot of questions about who I really was.

You daughter may or may not feel that way, just wanted to give you some food for thought.

[mom2GRLC]

Thanks, I have thought about that as well!!! Wether she would have liked that other name better of felt like that was really who she was and wether she would want to have her named changed back to it.

What ever we decide, our little girl would know all along that she is adopted, that she has other family who love her very much and she will hopefully stay in some contact with them through out the years. She will always know what her first name was...How special it is and that it will always be a part of who she is. She will also know the reasons why we gave her a new name and that by getting her new family and new name...we aren't trying to erase her past or forget that she wasn't born to us. We are celebrating her..and the little butterfly she has turned into. Just like a catepillar(which I also find very cute) goes into a cocoon and transforms into a butterfly...changes it's form of life...so did our daughter. She went from a catepillar...with her first mothers dreams and hopes for the future...to changing into something else equally beautiful and free knowing that if it weren't for her catepillar days she would not become a butterfly or turn into the beautiful young lady she will eventually turn into. Hopefully she will cherish both her old and new names and know that everyone...in her past as well as her future love her and support her and help her reach her dreams. I like the butterfly analogee as well. (I want to say that I'm not saying anything bad about her birthmom. I know that if she did raise her...our little girl would have had a wonderful life as well....but her choices that led up to the signing over of her rights...were not very good...i know she could have changed and eventually got her back if she really wanted to...but she choose a different path and let her come to our family. Which i will always be eternally greatful for.)

I guess I'm just trying to say...that we will be truthful with her from the begining about the adoption and everything related to it. It won't be a total shock...where all of a sudden she finds out she was adopted..and that she used to go by a different name.This is all stuff she already knows and we will continue to share with her as she grows up....hopefully making her feel comfortable about it all...becaus eit will be normal for her...as well as her brother and sister who are also adopted. She will also have them for support...because they have been in the same situation growing up....being in fostercare/adoption.

[NDN]

When I hear the name Destiny, I don't think of a color of eyes or skin, or a profession-I think of a family that felt it was their 'Destiny' to have this child in their lives.

While others may think there is a stigma attached, I think that your daughter will tend to look at it however you present it. It you choose it because you believe that you were put together by design, when she is grown she will likely love it. Howeverm if you feel that there a stereotypes that go along with it, that will definitely transfer to your child.

[mom2GRLC]

I agree, that is another reason why I do like the name. Because of it's meaning. I'm not totally against the name...it's just not one that I would have picked out to begin with. Sometimes I look at our little girl and can see that has her name forever, other times I want a name that is new that we have picked out(with her help) that does represent the change..that I have talked about. The change from being the birthmom's daughter...with me as the foster parent to the hopes and dreams we have as her new parents for her.

Can any of you think of a name that goes really well with Destiny as a middle name?

The name that wil will probably stick with is ..
Destiny Suzanne Garner or Destinee Suzanne Garner.

If we decide to go with a whole new name it will be ...
Rylee Suzanne ..Rylee Sue or Emma? not sure of middle name maybe Emma Destinee or Emma Suzanne.

Our little girl really likes the name Suzanne...and will now say...I not Destiny I Sue-Ann. She droesn't pronounce the Z. She also doesn't pronounce the T in Destiny she says Desnee or Desinee. I thought of using that as a middle name...but then figured if i'm going to do that i might as well stick the T in is.

I do aprreciate all your suggestions and advice and I do vaule them in my decision making process. I do want the best for our liitle girl.

[NDN]

Originally Posted by jessicagarner

Can any of you think of a name that goes really well with Destiny as a middle name?

Our little girl really likes the name Suzanne...and will now say...I not Destiny I Sue-Ann. She droesn't pronounce the Z. She also doesn't pronounce the T in Destiny she says Desnee or Desinee. I thought of using that as a middle name...but then figured if i'm going to do that i might as well stick the T in is.

You could go with Suzanne, since she like to be called that, and use Destiny as her middle name. This way there is a change but you still keep the familar.

[tlc4kidz]

I forgot to comment on my previous post that giving 2 middle names is not necessarily a bad thing. We wanted to give our daughter her birth last name for one of her middle names. Our attorney told us that it is really a formality that goes on the new birth certificate, but only the first middle name goes on SS card and things like school registration.

We hesitated giving her 2 middle names for probably many of the same reasons you do, but it really has not been a problem. We also only call her by her first or first and second names (unless she gets really feisty, then it's nice to have 3 ). That way you could keep Destiny as a part of her name on her BC, but not use it everyday....and she would still have that connection to it when she gets older. Just a thought.

[scarlet52698]

Something else I thought of is that whatever you decide to call her make that her first name. My entire life in school and even now when I go to the Dr. or government office I have to explain why I go by my middle name instead of my first name.

My name is Maureen Heather and my afamily started calling me Heather because a few friends of theirs kept calling me "Moe" which my parents didn't like. It's kinda a pain to explain to people who I am when doing anything official.

[dpen6]

Hi there,

I have been thinking about this thread for a while now and trying to see all sides of this situation.

As an adoptee, whose parents ,IMO,did it "right" I really feel the need to comment on some of the attitudes that I am picking up on. Someone said that the naming issue from the side of an adoptive parent is important to them...you want to be able to feel that you are really this childs parent and that includes being able to name "your child". I totally agree, when the child is an infant and hasa not lived wioth a name for 3 years! A three year old is proud of their name...how many times have we heard a little one of that age say...."my name is ------" beaming as they are saying it, proud of who they are...because its their name! They own it, it doesn't matter who gave it to them! Many 3 year olds are in preschool...they know their name and its a big deal to them. Thats any three year old.....should adopted 3 years olds be less proud as to make their parents feel more of a parent. How many non adopted children have their parents change their name because ...ooops....I don't like it ....and how would everyone else react if that were to happen. I suspect that people would be appalled that a parent would just up and change a childs name...to make them feel better. That little 3 year old is a real person, and indivual that is affected by out decisions as parents. As I stated before, I can understand an aparent wanted to name their own child but when you choose to adopt an older child that option may not be avaialable ...only because the potential for the child to be even more confused then what they have already gone through in there short lives.

I remember being 3, I remember having my first bday party with my aparents, I remember them using my name. I also thank God that they had the ability to put their own needs aside and understand that I needed to keep my name.

Many times I hear the lament "you don't know what I am going "through, well. I can honestly say I really do try to see all sides(common feeling for an adoptee...no matter what the age) and have come to the conclusion that many times aparents and bparents only see it from their own and try to rationalize how their feelings really are best for the child.

My experiance alone makes me feel that I can comment on this. My parents adopted 4 children, my older brother was 4...they kept his name, I was 2 1/2, they kept my name, my younger brother was 10 days old...they named him themselves, my younger sister was 6 mo old they also named her...so you see, they were able to name their "own " children when it was approriate for the child. They thought about how it would effect the children and based thjeir decisions on that. Wow.....how wonderful and how they truly "got it".....The older I get and the more I learn the more I realize how my parents did it right...how adoption was the best thing for me. So no...I am not an angry adoptee, I am adoptee that realizes how adoptive parents truly can love and honor their children by understanding how each child came from different situations and how they needed to honor that. They accepted the fact that they were not to bear their own but did not let that effect their decisions regarding the children they adopted. They respected us and did not rationize what was best for the kids...based on their own needs and wants.

Some of you may feel that my veiwpoint may not be important after all my adoption was in the dark ages and could not possibly apply to you,....the next generation always thinks that we gonna get right....after all we are much more elightned the the previous generation...I felt it , my kids feel it...but what doesn't change is the need for children to feel that they are totally acceptable to their parents...no matter waht the name...unconditional love.

I also feel that every adoptive parent has the right...once the adoption is final to be honored as that childs parent....to be able to feel one hundred percent that childs parent.

So yeah, the naming issue is very important to me also.....I have actually lived it.

So whatever you decide, how ever you come to the decision...its your daughter that is most effected not you.

[Shoshana]

I couldn't agree more.

I wonder why names seem to be SO important to adoptees... Perhaps because they are synonymous with identity.

Jessica, as an adoptee (and not an angry one) I can't tell you how strongly I disagree with changing a 3-year-old's name. The child should be the most important consideration. I find the caterpillar metaphor to be a rationalization and do not think it is an adequate explanation for changing the child's name. By virtue of being adopted, there are additional identity challenges that a bio child does not face. By changing a child's name and communicating to the child, however unintentionally, that her name (which means - who she IS, her identity) is somehow not acceptable, you are increasing the identity challenges that she will have to face.

[spaypets]

As the mother of a 3-year-old, I too, can't imagine changing the name of a child that old. We adopted DD at 18 months and did change her name then, but I wouldn't have done it much later (we'd also asked the orphanage six months earlier to start using her new name--I'm not sure that they did, but she seemed to adjust very quickly to the name we'd given her).

Truly, I sympathize. I'm not big on the name Destiny for many of the same reasons you mentioned. In fact, I probably would have wound up shortening to Dee or Dusty it just as a matter of course because three syllables is too many to call. Nevertheless, she identifies with it. To suddenly change it because you don't care for it, seems not to take into account her feelings.

By all means, use a nickname if one's evolved. We call my DD by her first initial (because she calls her self that sometimes) or sweetie or sippy or sip. But she also knows her real name and that's who she says she is.

[mom2GRLC]

I totally agree with your comments. They are all things I have considered over and over again during this decision making process.

In my search for finding the right name...you know what name starts to sound most beautiful to me....which I can see my little girl growing into..and which just feels right....Destiny Suzanne. It's the name I have always fallen back on..and which i really feel she is meant to be. It's a name that she loves and a name that reflects both her history and her future. I have truly come to appreciate the name Destiny. Mainly because instead of looking at the past Destiny...I can see the future Destiny. Today she was in a sleeping beauty dress dancing around our house in circles.... and as I watched her beautiful long blonde hair with a slight curl at the bottom...flow around...and the sweet angelic face she had.....I couldn't picture calling her anything but Destiny. I'm really suprised at how much my view of the NAME has changed. I guess it is because once you do look beyond the name..and see the beautiful girl...it just makes that name more beautiful and it just fits. Like I've said before...I love the meaning of it ...Fate...we were meant to be together. I think a lot of my feelings changed after I wrote her bmom a really long letter explaining all my feelings through out this whole process. I guess really letting it all out...and allowing myself to feel like her forever mother and also the special relationship I want them to have ...it just seems natural to have her keep that special name. It is a part of who she is not only with her bmom but also all the memories we have with her......she is our Destiny. She has overcome so much...and she is blossoming into one of the most beautiful girls I've ever seen.

Thank you all for your help...it has really been a blessing to me.

I also love the comments by adoptees...because that is what it is all about...learing how you felt and what might be helpful to our children as they grow. I do appreciate your opinion....and you don't have to justify why your opinion counts. In my mind every opinion counts...because we are all people...with unique experiences that can benefit each other.

I love the support I have received on these forums... and have learned a lot about the different feelings associated with each side of the adoption Triad.
Thank you all for your support.

[Malificient]

jessicagarner, Hi, I share your sentiments, I don't particularly care for the name , either. That doesn't mean I wouldn't ever be friends with someone should that be their name, but I would NOT choose that for a name for my daughter. If she has blonde hair, blue eyes and is short here are my suggestions,,,,,,, Lauren, Heidi, Jenna, Chloe, and Kelly or Kirsten. Many posters have suggested whenever your considering changing a childs given name, you should add the new name on to their birth name. If she was an infant, under a yr. you could probably just use her "new' name almost immediately. But, with her already 3 and talking, I would definitely NOT go that route. I would choose the new name, I really like Jenna, it goes great with Garner, IMO, I like Mae for the middle name, anyways, I would address her like "Destiny Jenna," after repeatedly addressing her this way, and having others address her this new way, within time a couple weeks or so, maybe, just drop the Destiny, and address her with Jenna, later you can introduce the Mae in there if you like. What do you think? Please email me back and let me know what ya'll finally decide on. malificient (aka. karen) ps. we are hoping to adopt a little girl, between the ages of birth and 6 yrs. old. we may keep her given birth name, or may choose 1 of the ones my dh and I have picked out. We will not know until that day gets here, but I have girl names picked out, certain ones for blondes, brunettees, certain names for blue eyes or brown eyes, etc. Strange to some, perhaps, but important to us......

[mom2GRLC]

Well, I'm back.

This whole naming issue is so difficult for me. I get stuck on a name for a while then....I start to question it and find something else.

We were going to go with Destiny Suzanne Garner. But we really felt like we needed to call her something other than Destiny. So we started calling her Suzanne, but it just didn't feel right for some reason at the time.

Then we went with the other name we picked out. Rilley.
She really liked it and said she wanted that to be her name. So we've tried calling her Rilley for the last couple weeks. It seems so right for her..it really just fits her personality and features. So we told our family about the new name.

Then, the confusion started all over again. My step mom made a big deal about the way we spelled her name. She said that by english grammer it wouldn't be pronounced like "Ry-Lee" it would be pronounced like "really". She went on and on saying that could be very tramatic for a child to grow up with a name that pronouces differently than it is spelled and that she might not like it because it's not a normal name and she won't be able to go to the store and find anything like personalized stickers or anything and that might bother her. Which then made me worry wether she would especially dislike her new name and definatley want to have it changed to her birthname.

So we can either stay with the way we picked out to spell it...Rilley(she choose it). Or we can change the spelling to Riley or Rylee (which I just don't like as much), or we can drop the name altogether and just go back to Destiny Suzanne Garner.

We have less than 2 weeks now....maybe that's why i'm so worried about it...our time is running out.

Our son has decided to go by his first middle name..(new name) now...he's 5.

[spaypets]

You mean you didn't mean Rilley to rhyme with Dilly, Billy or Silly?

I'm with your mom (except where I live, really is pronounced reely). If you want to call her Riley (rhymes with Smiley), then I think you should use a standard spelling. Otherwise, frankly, it looks like a typo (which is what I thought it was when you wrote it).

I have seen Riley spelled Rileigh (not thrilled with it, but at least it's clear it's a girls name -- the Riley's I've known are male).

[BethanyB]

I have been reading this thread for a while now and thought I would add a few things...

I first wanted to say that I had a beautiful little girl in my class named Destiny who was AA. I also know a few blonde haired blue eyed girls named Destiny. I really don't think the name is specifically for an AA child. I actually think it's a beautiful name!

But of course, she is YOUR child. And you need to like the name too. I just would hope that you are not basing your opinion of the name Destiny because of what other people may think. It's NOT just an AA name.

I say the same thing about Rilley. If YOU like it and SHE likes it then you should do what your heart tells you.

With my fost/adopt placement, I was open to either sex. Riley was one of the names that I liked a lot. It is actually becoming VERY popular. A few people I know have just named their girls this name. You may however run into some difficulties. My son has not been adopted yet and has a VERY long hard to pronounce name. So whenever we go to the doctors or anyplace that needs his name, I have to spell it for them and pronounce it a few times. It's a pain. And as a teacher, I have had some very tricky names. People may not know how to pronounce Rilley. But again, it's up to you.

Names kind of grow on you. I had a student named Wisdom last year and I thought it was very odd at first. Then I began to get used to it and it just seemed so natural. I actually like the name now.

I think you will know what to do when you feel "right"
Plus how important is it that your family likes the name?
My family did not like he name that I picked out to call my son but I picked it anyway. Now everyone is SO used to it that it has just become natural.