[Shoshana]

Jessica - I'm sorry, I have to say that I think the "flow" of the name is a very poor reason for changing a 3-year-old's name. Personally, I find changing the spelling to Destinee kind of ridiculous - it cannot improve the flow in any way and only looks like a trendy misspelling.

People who have responded that they DO like the name Destiny - is that enough information for you to decide you like the name? As Donna said, Destiny is who she is. She knows who she is every time she rejects the name Alexandria. I think the following options are the most appropriate, in order of increasing acceptablity.

1. Keep Destiny Alexandria and call her Destiny. (She can change to Alexandria when she's older, if SHE chooses - 3 years old is not old enough to make an informed choice).

2. Keep Destiny Alexandria and call her Alexandria - Begin by using both names and very gradually fade out your use of the first name.

3. Change her name to Destiny Suzanne if you decide Destiny is too undesirable as a name for your child and call her Suzannne (or whatever middle name you choose) and use the fading technique above.

4. Change her name to Suzanne Destiny (basically the same as 3 above).

5. Change both of her names - I personally think this is a terrible choice.

I think when we adopt children who are not infants that we might not be able to choose the "perfect" name that we love, but hopefully their name becomes "perfect" as it belongs to the child we love.

[SchmennaLeigh]

I personally would not name a child Destiny because I am wayyyyyy old-fashioned (minus one name) in my name picks. However, is this child a personality of a person named Desinty? Is she free-floating? Is she her own person?

Does SHE like her name? (Three year olds can have opinions on names.)

I have no connotation on race, hair color, etc. It does bring to mind more of a free-spirit type of a person, which could be any race, skin color, religion, etc.

[paigeturner]

Jessica,

I think Shoshana's given you some excellent advice. The bottom line is that your daughter is who she is. A name change isn't going to make any difference in who she becomes. Neither one of my daughters have my first choice as names (or my second or third for that matter) my husband and I couldn't agree. Ultimately though, both of them love their names and laugh at the choices I had for them (Portia and Xandria).

I had a friend in high school whose name is Candee Kane, not Candice, just Candee. She always laughed that she had a strippers name. She's a high level executive and has never changed her name and even kept her maiden name when she married...

Anyway, the ultimate choice is yours. Out of curiosity, I'd be interested in what you decide. It sounds like your daughter is a lovely little girl.

[Linnie65]

I agree too with what Donna said - I have heard of names that I dont' think would be good adult names, but then the kids grow up and it is fine.
I named my children cross-gender names and my daughter's is primarily a boys name. We’ve had second thoughts, but it is who she is.

[mom2GRLC]

Thanks again for all of your opinions and suggestions.

I actually really don't mind the idea of changing the spelling of the name to Destinee verses Destiny. For some reason it does make me look at the name differently. Maybe because it reminds me of the name Desiree (one on my best friends growing up). I also think it looks pretty.

We probably will keep things Destiny Suzanne. I just want to figure out all the possibilities...before making that final choice.

I do not like Destiny Alexandria simply because...sinc she is getting adopted I want her to recieve a special new name as well just like our other children.

Our son...was 5 days away from turning 4 when we got him. We kept his first name and gave him 2 special middle names and of course our last name. It does work for him...and even though it is long....it flows very nicely and sounds really good together. Actually his (birth) last name is also part one of his middle names. He is very proud of his new name....and loved the fact that he got to help pick it out.

Our other adopted daughter we got at 5 days old and we changed her name completely(it's a closed adoption).

One of the main reasons I'm considering keeping Part of our DD's first name is because
1. She is used to that name already
2. This will probably be a semi-open adoption(letters and pictures and some phone calls...she moved out of state so no face to face contact) and I don't want her bmom to have to call her by her new name if she doesn't want to, and it won't matter to our little girl because it would be a part of her name anyways....even if it's not what we call her. Then, maybe she won't feel to much of an identity problem.

I do think her mom might be hurt/dissapointed if we changed her whole name completely. I don't even know how she would feel with us changing her middle name to Suzanne verses Alexandria. That does concern me.

But truthfully I can't live my life...wondering if she would approve of this or that. I have to do what feels right for our family....and for our little girl.

For example...on our little girls b-day we were on our way out to get her ears pierced(we've waited a long time to be able to do it). We got a call from bmom...and told her about our plans. She seemed dissapointed ...and didn't want her to have to go through that pain. But she was respectful of our choice and said...."well I'll let you go so you can go ahead and get her ears pierced". I respected her that she...allowed me to make that decision with out interfering even though it wasn't what she would have done. I hope she can also come to accept her name change/ either whole or partial.

I'm still looking at names.....and ideas....but figure i'll probably go back to our original name we picked out....if we can't find anything that really just seems right. I'll let you know what we decide....we still have till the end of May to make our final decision. Until then, i do aprreciate your suggestions and comments and hope to hear more.

I do understand this can be a very emotional debate.... so again I ask...mainly for suggestions on how to incorporate Destiny...into name groupings that sound good together....with my last name. Prefferavble with Destiny as a middle name.

[DisownedRocker]

I'll tell you from a birthmother's point of view: while I was still in the hospital w/Z, I'd asked his parents what they were doing about his name. They knew we already had a name for him, just so we didn't have to call him "fetus", and asked if we would like for them to keep it. I told them that would mean so much to me if they kept it. At the time I felt it was the only thing I could give him was a good strong name. I also told them if they did decide to change it I would respect that, but I would also like to know what his name was. A few weeks later the Adoption Specialist told me they were going to change his first name and keep Zachary as his middle name. The first name definitely isn't something I would've picked out, but he's their son now, and I told them I would respect it. Well, about a week ago, Paperwork got sent to me that was supposed to be sent to them. They changed his name completely. I called the AS asking her when I was going to find out, when did anybody plan on telling me? They were hoping that I wouldn't. Just to get straight to the point: If you don't want to hurt her, talk to HER about it first, tell her why you think it would be in Destiny's best interest to change her name. Granted, she might not like what you have picked out, she may even help you try to find a different name, but not talking to her about it and not letting her hear your reasons WILL hurt her. No matter what that little girl's name is, however, the Bmother will always love her.

[BabsCanada]

Ordinarily, I have really strong feelings about names - and an adoptive parent's right to choose - and an adoptive parent's moral obligation to honour a birthparent's wishes ... but this is a tough situation

I haven't read enough between-the-lines to know if you can talk to birthmom about this. I don't know enough about the birthmom's involvement in this little girl's first 3 years of life. I also need to rethink what the 3 year old's input should be.

All that being said!!!

You first asked if there was any stigma attached to 'Destiny'. I'd say No. It doesn't have any physical or racial connotations. It's still very unique, not overused; it does have a pretty deep meaning, and that's actually kind of nice; it's a name that rolls off the tongue easily! and isn't too tough to spell. Professional?
I wouldn't have a problem with a professional of any discipline named 'Destiny'. 'Candee Kane', maybe!!!

We adopted our daughter at 7 mos and chose/changed her name. (With some input from the birthmom). I have, since age 12, wanted to name a daughter 'Shani'. When at age 36, I was suddenly presented with the short-notice opportunity to name this yet-unmet daughter!!! I second-guessed myself to death. I wondered: would you trust a lawyer named 'Shani'? What does a grown woman named 'Shani' look like? Professional?

(See - I do know what you're talking about!)

Her first name is Shaeanne, because I thought that it would be a more 'grownup' option for her someday; but now that she's 8 and been Shaeni for most of her life!!! I'm believing that she can be a lawyer or any other professional (she intends to be a vet) and be named Shaeni and be just fine.

Your daughter is already 3, which presents a whole different issue than what my experience was.

3 is tough. She knows her name.

Can you incorporate your choice for a middle name (Suzanne) and have that as a nickname? (Suzy) My dd loves her nickname. It's kind of a family thing, special.

Babs

[Kitti]

Hi all,
I just wanted to throw in my opinion on the "proper" name for a grown woman. My given name is Mary Katherine but I have always been Kitti. This came from my grandmother who was also a Kitti whose given name was Sarah Katherine. I loved my grandmother and I have always been proud to share her name, and I have loved being the person with the unique name. When someone uses my given name I feel like they are talking to someone else and I have always let everyone know from the start that I am Kitti and not Mary Katherine. Now, that being said I also work in a profession that carries alot of responsibility and have never had anyone doubt my abilities because of my name. When I introduce myself most people comment how they like my name and they dont hear it to much out in the world. Sometimes I get the expected "Here kitty kitty kitty" but that pretty much stopped after high school. When you have a name like Kitti, or Destiny, or even Candee Kane, you can be pretty sure that people will remember you. Not a bad bonus to have on a job interview/application or in any situation you want to make an impression. Let your daughter be proud of her name, she may feel ashamed of it and maybe even herself if she thinks you dont approve. A childs mind may interpret how you feel about her name to how you feel about her. Destiny's life and success will not be shaped by her name, but by the love and support she gets from you. A happy, confident young woman can achieve all her dreams with any name. Just the opinion of a successful 37 y/o woman with a fluffy animal name. I love it!
Kitti

[2boyz1girl]

Personally I quite like the name Destiny. I remember reading in a baby name book that whatever name you pick "becomes your child." You may relate it to other things, but as your child grows, you relate it to them, who ever they are. It may sound little girlish right now, but as has been mentioned, those "little girls" will grow up and the name will age with them.

I know you're getting sick of being lectured, but I can't help but add my two cents. My advice would be NOT to change her first name. She is old enough to know who she is, and if you tell her she is somebody else, she may form the belief that the "old her" is bad, something to be ashamed of, and hidden. Even if she helps pick out the new name and claims to like it, she isn't old enough to understand WHY it is being changed.

As far as changing the spelling -- she is young enough that I really don't think that would make a difference to her, and if you prefer it that way -- go for it.

Having said that, I do believe that an adoptive parent has every right to choose the name their child will go by (just as a birthparent has every right to choose a name for the original birth certificate).

That's why I vote for Destinee Suzanne .

In our situation, we didn't like dd's given name, and nicknamed her the day we brought her home (10 days old -- came through foster care). We were honest with the bfamily when they came into the picture months later, and told them what we had called her from birth. They chose to continue to call her by the name they had picked out. Which they had every right to do -- UNTIL he relinquished and we made it clear that she would go by the name that we had called her all along. We did consider keeping her first name as a second-middle name (against our liking), as a way to honor her heritage. However, the bfamily continued (and still continues) to call her by that name, and it drives me insane. For that very reason, we decided to drop the name all together.

I think it is normal to have the last minute name jitters. A name is a very important thing. We had planned what first and middle name we would give dd all along -- it was actually the name we had picked out for our 4-yr-old had he been a girl. But when it came down to finalizing two years later, I had all kinds of second thoughts.

[mom2GRLC]

2boyz1girl-

Thanks!!

I do have a question? You said the birth family still calls her by her birth name. Yet you did drop that name all together from her new name.

I guess this is what concerns me......will that give the child a sense of being two different people. Or is the name close enough in sound to her birth name that there will be little confusion.

I guess I feel like...If we keep (A form of ) Destiny in her new name..then if her birth family does decide to keep calling her Destiny than it won't matter to much because that is part of her name. Or if we dropped the name completely would she feel as though she has to be two different people. I want her to be comfortable with herself and know that....she is one person....and she doesn't have to change for one family member or another. She doesn't have to choose to be this couples daughter or this couples daughter....as two seperate identities....she can be......_________. A beautiful young woman with a family(everyone) who loves her for who she is and the specail person she is in all of our lives.

Changing her name is a form of bonding/initiation into the new family that will be hers forever. It doesn't erase her passed or those who love her....it just gives her a new name for a new begining, with a new family.

I do think it might be harder on her to change her name if say....she just met us....and was trying to also get used to us as mom and Dad as well as the loss of birth mom and foster family. But, she does know us as Mom and Dad....and the only real thing she remembers of her birthmom actually being (another) mom is when she went to the day visits/weekend visits over a couple month span of time recently. Other than that in her heart...we are her only parents....she ever remembers having. That's why changing her name...would not necessarily change her identity.....she is still in the same home...with the same mom and dad and it would just be like calling her a nickname...it would happen over a course of time and it would be natural to her. Right now we already call her all kinds of nicknames..like Baby, Princess, Mommy, Little Girl, Sweetheart, big girl etc...She knows we are talking to her...it doesn't change her sense of self...it's all part of who she is....even as we have been testing different names out on her....she is not confused....she will just look at us and smile....knowing we are talking to her or about her...and it doesn't confuse her.

[mom2GRLC]

Disownedrocker-

I remember when you wrote a post about how hurt/mad you were that the adoptive family had changed your birthsons name after they agreed to keep it. I didn't hear about them changing the whole name. I do agree that if they promised you to keep the name...then they should have at least kept part of it like they agreed to.

Our story is a bit different. Our bmom didn't agree to anything at the time she signed over her rights. We didn't even know she did until right before court several days later when the attorney ad litem told us. She made the decision to place her child knowing she would give up all rights to her and probably never see her again...until she was 18. We didn't even have a chance to talk about continued contact or anything. It was after the fact that she asked if we wouldn't mind writtting her or sending her updates.

I guess in a way she did leave everything up to us...and knew that she really had no legal say over her daughter anymore. I think she is just really happy that we do want her to have some contact and is happy to be in her life in any way she can. I think she realizes that we are her parents. We've had her for the last 2 years(next month). In many ways we have been her parents this whole time. At first it wan't her choice...because DHS stepped in...but eventually it was her choice. It wasn't like placing a child at birth(I'm not saying it wasn't as emotionally painful but it was different). I think she will accept what ever choices we do make for our little girl simply because she understands....that she did sign over her rights...that we are now her childs parents.

One of my good friends at church placed her child for adoption. She has helped me a lot. She has told me many times that her son I'll say his name was (Jake) was her son...she loved him and wanted him to have a better life so she placed him for adoption with a very specail couple who had been there for her growing up...they re-named him ...I'll say (Logan). She said that when she placed her Jake for adoption ...her son Jake...died...and all her hopes and wishes of parenting him as her child. She knew that she was no longer his parent....she wouldn't be able to raise him as her own...so to her he died. That day he became Logan. A differnet baby. The adoptive families baby. Yes she had a bond with him that will always be there....she will always love him. But her hopes and dreams that were associated with her baby Jake....were now Dead. She was happy for Logan and his new family....and she continues to have contact with him...but it really is not her baby anymore..at least not in the same way....as what Jake would have been.

I like that analoge that she gave. I too have felt a similiar feeling towards some of my foster babies that I have fallen in love with and was told would becaome adoptable. Then to have them leave at a moments notice. To me that child...my child...my hopes and dreams for that child as a part of my family did die.Yes they were actually still alive ..yes i wished them well...and want only the best for them in life...but my dreams of raising them as my child did die. It's part of dealing with that loss and moving forward. It's very difficult to do...and pretty much impossibble because you can never forget...you can never stop wondering what might have been. I'm sure it's even more devastating when you actually created and gave birth to that child.

In a way....changing the name of a child....symablizes the turning over of the child. Realizing that this is now your child....yes they have a passed...yes...their birthmother will always love her Destiny. But her Destiny has now changed. She will no longer be parenting her..in the traditional sence. I have a new child...in a sense. No longer am i her foster parent...waiting for her birthmom to get her back. She is now my child. A member of my forever family. The same child... the same past....yet .... a different future for all of us involved.

I don't know if I make any sense. It makes sense to me...I just don't know if I can explain it right.

[2boyz1girl]

I do have a question? You said the birth family still calls her by her birth name. Yet you did drop that name all together from her new name.

I guess this is what concerns me......will that give the child a sense of being two different people. Or is the name close enough in sound to her birth name that there will be little confusion.

Actually, they call her by that name against our will. That has been one of my HUGE issues with maintaining contact. They know that we have renamed her, they know that she always has and always will know herself by the name she continues to go by (a nick-name of her new name). They know that we don't want her called by the other name. I've tried very hard to be understanding, as it is the name that the bfather chose and he has emotional ties to it. I was very upset to learn that, months after we explained that we would be legally changing it, extended family (who we stopped to vist on our way through their town) still had not been told. They do try to remember to use her "new" name when they are around us, but they often slip, which tells me that there is no attempt at using her this name when we aren't around. Then they have come up with their versions of what they're willing to call her. Her first name started with the letter "M", her nick-name is Emme, so the bfather calls her "M". Then the bgma has started calling her Miss Emme ("Mis" was the first sound of her old name). It's all quite annoying, but it's not something I want to jeopardize our relationship over. We've received gifts and cards addressed to the old name, and we are trying to figure out a nice way to let them know that we value everything they send, but that we will not be showing Emme those things until she is much older.

[tlc4kidz]

We adopted sibs in December and we kept the oldests (21 months) name Casey because we felt she knew it and it really does fit her....not what we would have chosen, but it works. My MIL had a fit because she wanted us to change the spelling to Kaysi, but we couldn't justify having to explain to her later that we liked her name well enough to keep it, but not the way it was spelled....it also seemed to us like a slap in the face to her bparents. We did change her brother's name to Dawson because we know 7 people with his birthname and every time someone said it everyone would say "which one". We also know several people with that name who were VERY unfavorable influences in our lives. So....we went to the bparents and explained our dilemma to them and the name that we had come up with and they liked it!

I think Destiny is an okay name, but I'm with you that it's probably not one I would choose. I just don't know if at 3 I personally could change it....we had a rough enough time at 7 months! I do know of one Destiny who goes by Desi...I think that's pretty cute. In the end I know you'll do what's best for your family and you will be at peace with your decision, because you have put so much thought into deciding.

[mom2GRLC]

I guess I'm afraid to talk to her bmom...more before the adoption is finalized....the last time we talked I said I would contact her after the finalization and go from there. I do have her new phone # and address but I don't really want to have her help in the decision making process. I am curious to see what her middle name is thoug..to see if I like it and want to use it in our little girls name to help connect her with her roots. All the names that i do know....won't work...because two members of her family have my name or a version of it...and I don't want to use bmom's or bmom' mothers name as one of her names. I would frather use one of her birthnames she already has.

After talking to my husband he says he doesn't want any of her birth name in her new name. I know he will eventually agree with what I really want for her....as long as it is a name he thinks suits her. So I am not completely ruling it out at this time. I am starting to think I might want a version of it in her name....it's just hard trying to put it all together so it sounds good. Some have said it doesn't matter what it sounds like...but it does matter to me. I don't want her to have 2 middle names...and I want her name to be something she can love and be proud of.

These are our options so far.....these are my favorite so far*.....

Destinee Suzanne *
Destiny Suzanne *
Destinee Rylee *
Rylee Sue *I think this is my favorite
Rylee Suzanne
Rylee Destinee
Suzanne Destinee
Suzanne Destiny
Courtney Suzanne *my husband doesn't really like
Morgan Rylee * My husband doesn't really like but i do
Rilley Destiny
Emma Suzanne *
Emma Alexandria
Andrea Suzanne (from Alexandria)

[DisownedRocker]

Jessica-thanks for the analogy, makes perfect sense to me. I had never actually thought about it that way, and now I feel better about it. I still wish they would've told me about it-the last package I sent them was addressed to Z, because at that time I wasn't sure if they had changed his name or decided to keep it. For some reason, though, I'll always think of him as Zachary, out of respect for them I'll address him as the name they've given him, or I refer to him as Precious or the little prince!!