[coffee_please]

We are wanting to adopt and have been approved (so far) by CYF but we are still working on our profile. I need to talk to people who are going, have been, or will be going through this process. No one we know in the 'real world' seems really able to relate to us about this because they are not in the same boat. I want to talk to people about anything and everything to do with this - similar to our situation or not. I'm getting quite frustrated because there are no support groups for people like us - who are waiting and waiting always waiting - and the support groups that are out there (like Opan) only cater for those who have already adopted. I want to talk to people about the frustration of having people in my family who do not fully support our adoption decision (we haven't tried ALL fertility options yet - because we are completely happy with the choice we have made) but some just don't accept that. We also want to have contact with the birth family, and we are getting objections from our family about that too. We had a stillborn daughter in 2000, so I have had the pregnancy, and the birth and haven't been able to get pregnant since. I want to talk about the fact that I am sad sometimes, and that I get angry that things have to be sooooo difficult and that nothing ever seems to come easy. I think my mother blames me for not being able to have children, while my brother seems hell bent on populating NZ all on his own, with many different children to many different mothers spread from one end of the country to the other. Okay, it's not really as bad as all that, but on days like today, it feels like it, and I want to talk it out, and no I'm not premenstral, I'm just having a bad day for no reason. Please talk to me - anyone - and not just one comment and never talk again - lets make a real support network here and be there for each other.

[loubielou]

Hey Coffee Please. I think I have said hi to you before. I so get where u are coming from. We are in the pool now. Have been since Nov last year. We also had some initial resistance (from my mother mostly) because we were not keen on IVF and she could not understand why we wouldnt try everything we could to have our own child. I also have a friend who has concieved thru IVF and from time to time she tries to encourage me to at least investigate the possibilities - but it is not for us. It is hard to remain polite, I would not question her decisions and feel she should treat me with as much respect. We are 100% happy about our decision to adopt. I have also been pg and m/carried - so technically we can make a baby. But it doesnt seem to be happening for us a second time either.
Would love to chat more.

[coffee_please]

Thanks for your reply Loubielou, I really really appreciate the contact. I totally get what you are saying about people questioning your decisions. We had a follow-up appointment yesterday at the fertility clinic. We are still on their books but are not actively trying to get pregnant anymore (were not using contraceptives tho, what would be the point). Completely out of the blue the Dr said she was going to put us on the IVF waiting list because we are now eligible for the two free IVF cycles. We had never met her before and she hadn't even read our file and yet thought she knew what we wanted. When we explained that we didn’t want to go on the waiting list yet , and told her our plans (we said we wanted to adopt first and then possibly look at more fertility treatment further down the line), she got totally anti and completely judged us. I’m not kidding. She snapped that anyone else in our situation would jump at the chance to be where we are and then left the room. She returned about 10 mins later and said that the shrink down the corridor wanted to have a word with us. It totally angered me (and made me cry of course) she declared the appointment over, and we wandered on down the shrink. The shrink had no idea why we were there – in her words, we were communicating and stable and obviously knew what we wanted and she thought there was no reason why we ‘needed’ to talk to her. Some people just can’t get that we are happy with this choice and that we don’t feel like we are accepting 2nd best. On a good note tho, I think my mum has come around a bit about the birth parents thing. My brother has a child who he is only allowed to have contact with on his weekends and ditto the rest of the family. It was his birthday recently, and my mum mentioned to me that it would be nice to be able to ring my nephew (her grandson) and just wish him a happy birthday. I agreed with her and said, I guess that’s a thing that birth parents could like the opportunity to do also, just ring up and say Happy Birthday. My mum had never thought of it that way before, and I think it really struck a cord with her. I think all the time about when we are in the pool and what it would be like and how long we would have to wait. How did you find writing your profile? How long did you take?

[loubielou]

Hi again
God how that Dr treated you just sounds dreadful! Sometimes people only see what makes sense to them dont they?
Glad to hear your mum is coming round. Mine did too, I think initially it was a bit of a shock and she needed time to take it in. All my family are very supportive now. I still havent told a lot of other people. Not that I would have a problem defending our decision. I just dont want to have to at the moment.

The profile was hard. It took us a few weeks to do I guess. Our social worker showed us 3 examples of other ones and we really liked one of those, so we kindof modelled ours on that. Once we had the vision of what we wanted it wasnt too hard. Some of the written stuff was hard, esp since me and dh are quite different people so we dont always have the same views on things. Do you keep in touch with anyone from your education days? I swapped a few emails with one woman from ours, she made me laugh - said they may end up with 2 profiles and 2 different babies which made me feel a bit better about our conflicts in putting our profile together. I guess it depends on your relationship - but I was very serious about the process and dh less so. (Which is true of our attitudes in life anyway). So I got a bit stressed by it and had to be careful not to just take over and do it myself. Does this make any sense? I know I'm raving. Anyway, the one regret is I dont think we had great photos of ourselves in there either. I would like to update them at some stage. It also takes a while from submitting your profile until getting in the pool, which I didnt know at that stage. They have to be looked at by a couple of sw's and then you get a letter. The other thing is the letter states you are in the pool for 2 years before you have to have medicals etc again - and the 2 years starts from when you first put your name down, so we lost 9 months just being in the process, if that makes sense? That was a bit of a blow at the time, but I feel pretty relaxed about it all now.
I've just read a great book, if you're interested called "Conquering Infertility" by Alice Domar. It's not a fix-u-up type book, but more about the mental/emotional states and how to manage anxiety and stress (if you have it, which I'm not saying you do). I've found it's helped me to take a more positive attitude.
Have you read anything on adoption in NZ? I read something written by a NZ woman who adopted in the 70's, so it's quite old but I found a lot of it relevant to me still. Cant remember the name of it now. Will try to.
Well, I am a bit of a raver, so I will stop now. Keep in touch.

[Richie68]

[/quote]
Hi Coffee_please I'm a kiwi also and we successfully adopted a 3 week old baby boy in Nov of 2003. If you have any quesitons re the profile let me know as I would love to help! We are going through the 2nd free IVF at the moment and all I can remember is the hideous nurse. For a person that dealt with needles all the time - you would have thought it was her first time. But love to hear how you are getting on as I'm always interested in hearing good news!

[coffee_please]

Hi loubielou, our profile has (so far) taken 3 months – I know!!!! We are finding it really quite difficult writing the part on ‘Statement of parenting’. Just when we get it to a place where we both like it, our social worker ‘suggests’ more improvements, which while frustrating are also good suggestions. We have just about finished (I think). We don’t keep in touch with anyone from our education days, but I wish we had grabbed some numbers/e-mail addresses. I just didn’t think of it at the time sadly. I've only really read children’s books about Adoption and the information we got while on the Education Days. I’m feeling much better now about things, I feel I’m back to my normal frame of mind, I think I was just feeling sorry for myself. I’m quite interested in getting my hands on a book called Reunions. Have you read this? Thanks for chatting; I really like knowing that you’re out there. Hi Richie68, congratulations on your adoption, it is fantastic to know that it does actually happen. How are you finding IVF really? It absolutely scares me to death. Did your first free cycle occur before or after you had adopted? God, sorry about my blunt questions. If you had your first cycle before you adopted, and you are now having your second cycle after you adopted, are you finding your second cycle easier because you already have a child? Are you still in contact with the birth family? What was it like meeting them? Do you have any suggestions for writing the ‘Statement of Parenting’ part of the profile? Thanks both for your replies and please keep in touch.

[Richie68]

Hi Great to hear from you and thanks for your reply. Man they are putting you through the paces with your profile aren't they. Is she/he lovely? All my Social Worker cared about is my spelling, I think she was an English teacher in a previous life.

I ran down to the office to pull out all our documentation (and our profile) to see what we had written about parenting and there really wasn't much! We mainly said things like:

* Our decision as to who would be the main caregiver (and we joked that my hubby would go to all the Mothers' Coffee mornings).

* Building on the adopted child's own natural skills

* We live in the country so we said that this would be the "flavour of their upbringing" (or birth mother wanted someone from the country as it turned out).

* We knew that we could love a child that was not created from us, and love them unconditionally.
* Then we talk about what we personally believed (e.g Moral Courage) and which values we would pass on.
Probably not in depth enough for your Social Worker, but that all we really put about that.

Just remember, initially it is the photos that matter. She'll be seeing lots of profiles and it really does come down to what colour cover you choose and what photo you put on the cover. I know of one couple that was chosen because the bride was wearing pearls at her wedding. We were chosen because she liked our dog (and I must admit I chose a very cute picture).

As for our 2nd IVF. Yes not really sure about that one. I'll have a few wines the night before the needle sticking starts again. You're right though. I don't really care if it works or not! The wonderful thing about an adopted child is you are guaranteed 100 per cent healthy children (if you tick those boxes!).

Yes our first cycle was before we adopted, but what is amazing is that we saved up and paid for a 2nd cyle and the day I was due to have my first blood tests we got the phone call to say we had adopted. I had great joy in ringing back the clinic to say "thanks but no thanks". I thought I'd never have to see that horrible nurse again!

Oh and the other weird thing was walking out of work and everyone is saying "see you tomorrow" and only you and the boss know that they won't.

We've never met our son's birth mother and we probably never willl. She walked out the hospital shortly after the birth and has never seen him again. It feels really weird as I know she must be thinking of him. She took 3 weeks to chose a family for him and she was really particular about what she wanted. So I feel there is someone walking around out there who knows exactely who we are - but we wouldn't know her if we bumped into her in the street.

I just re-read over your past postings above, I've sooo been there. I've thrown a few things around in frustration wondering why the whole world seems to have children and why did I have to "pass the test" to become a mum. Good luck and let me know how you are getting on.

Happy profiling!

Richie 68

[coffee_please]

Our Social Worker is fantastic. A really nice lady, very careful and very thorough.


Our profile is huge. So much info. I really think it is completely OTT, but it keeps being added to (on request from our Social Worker). I’m actually thinking I might try to thin it out a bit. It really is ridiculous. Thanks for your tips, they make a heap of sense.



I find some of the reasons that birthmom give for selecting the adoptive families amazing. It really goes to show that you can never really know what to put in the profile because it could be something quite obscure that she singles out.



How fantastic it would have been for you to call to say Thanks but no Thanks (IVF). Did you tell many people you were adopting (the 1st time) or did it mostly come as a shock when you rocked up with bub?

The number of days when I’m still very excited about this process, completely out numbers the days I am down. I am still very happy and very grateful to have people to chat to now.

[Richie68]

Hi Coffee_please. It could be a good idea to cut back your profile, though things may have changed since we adopted in Nov 03. Ours was 11 pages long and the majority of it was pictures. 3 pages dedicated to pictures and one main picture on the cover. I've just counted we had 42 pictures and from those pictures we tell the story of us.

It's definitely true about the obsure bits. Things that I didn't want to tell her, turned out to be something she could relate to e.g my husband is a hunter - and we were worried that she would think that was a bad thing. But our ** is a country girl and grew up in that environment.

We told everyone (except my work) about our plans to adopt. Initially this was very very hard, as I felt like we were a failure. But we knew that if we wanted to get our name out there, this was the only way. I have known of quite a few cases were people have adopted privately. When the news broke everyone was over the moon, I had completely strangers in tears! and people turning up with gifts that didn't even know me. Adoption brings out the very best in people and everyone was over the moon. Especially work as they thought I was on some serious drugs the day I found out. It was great fun ringing up my mother and telling her she had a new grandson (it was 15 years since the last one). Even she and dad got cards of congratulations.

I'm really pleased that your good days outweigh your bad. That's extremely positive. Some days I would get a real positive buzz about it.

Also, once you are in the pool, find out how many times you have had your profile is put forward. We found out that we had been chosen once before, but the woman had decided to keep the baby. As bad as that sounds, we didn't see it that way. We thought, well if she wanted us maybe someone else does too. We also were vigilant in ringing Social Welfare and talking to other Social Welfare staff so that they knew us also and attending any evenings. We actually got rung and asked if we would consider being put forward for an 18 mth old - because of making contact with another Social Worker.

It's an exciting time for you both. It gets really exciting when they send you the form asking you what type of child you want e.g Boy / Girl, European / Maori. You really know that you are almost in the pool then!

Let me know how it is going!

Richie68

[ChelseaCFC]

Hi Coffee_Please, Loubielou & Richie68, and anyone else out there viewing but not quite brave enough to post yet. This is my first post so apologies if it all goes wrong. DH & I are still on the IVF loop, but as ever I have my plan B just incase it doesn't work. Sometimes I just get so tired of all this waiting, waiting for it to happen naturally, waiting for all the investigations, waiting for treatment, ....

So I guess I don't have much to add, just to say that I'm out here, and happy to chat. Stay strong and I hope that the waiting is not too much longer for you all.
Chelsea

[coffee_please]

Hi Chelsea,
I agree completely. Waiting is hard. It's all hard and it's not fair either! But I haven't given up. One day something will happen. I know it will. If Plan A doesn't work, there is always B, C and all the rest. Something will happen one day and whatever it is, it will be great. Thanks heaps for your post. What country are you in? Stay in touch.

[Richie68]

Hi ChesleaCFC (and Coffee_Please). Welcome on board. Yes the waiting is the hard part. We waited 6 years and everyday felt like an eternity. I remember I started a job thinking I'd be there a year until a baby came along, and then I will still there 6 years later - not able to move out of that career just in case that phone rang. I'm going through my 2nd lot of IVF (I'm right at the beginning giving up the alcohol/coffee taking the folic acid etc) and my girlfriend who did it 5 times said that you just have to stay positive and believe it will work. She also said (which i thought was good advice) to think of it as a marathon and that the best shape you are in for it, the better the outcome. Good luck and remember those positive thoughts.

Thanks heaps for both your posts and keep in touch!

[ChelseaCFC]

Hi Coffee_Please and Richie68. Nice to be here and have some company . First I'm a kiwi, married and currently living in UK. However, I'm looking at heading home for IVF (not for a freebie mind, I'm paying!), then if that isn't a goer, we'll move into adoption. Been TTC officially for 5 years now but really I've been waiting all my life. What I've learnt so far is - never give up. I don't mean the well meant phrase we've all heard about 'relax, it will happen when the time is right' - that hasn't helped me, it's too passive and makes me feel like I'm not even clever enough to 'relax' properly. What has helped is stronger advice - to never give up the goal of being a Mum. One way or another - so don't just sit about for years on end waiting for the miracle of pregnancy, get on the case. Ok it took me 3 years, then 2 years of investigations and some health issues to resolve, but we're on the move now. Start with Plan A, and if that isn't working move onto Plan B, C or D - you are so right. That said, Richie68 - six years is a long wait, but I'll bet you will say it was worth every minute! BTW there is quite a difference in approach to adoption in the UK v NZ. Anyway, nice to have some company on this journey. Coffee_Please, sorry I can't give much advice to you about the Adoption process, you're ahead of me on that one. But I sure understand the frustration of the waiting game.
Stay strong.
Chelsea

[Richie68]

Hi Chelsea (and Coffee_Please). Wow living in England ah. I did a year and a half there many years ago. Great for doing a little growing up and just a great life experience. You'll definitely find NZ small when you come back. But I still feel it is the best place to raise kids.

ChelseaCFC I thought I better clear one thing up (just in case you had not realised) - we have actually successfully adopted back in Nov 03 - we waited 6 long years for our little miracle. He arrived at 3 weeks old and our world has not stopped.

So my apologies if I have misled you. We are looking to adopt again - if the IVF does not work out - I've already done a little bit of the paper work. I thought it would be great to meet up with other NZers who are doing the same thing.

I'm interested to hear that you said that you will be paying for IVF. Whilst that is great, you should still investigate the two free fundings as you can do those in between your paid cycles.

I also wondered being a little closer to Europe whether you had consider International Adoption. We had decided that if we had not adopted by Jan 06 that we would definitely go overseas and we really wanted to be a family.

How about you coffee_please have you ever considered the overseas choice?

Richie 68

[coffee_please]

Hi Richie 68. When we first started talking about Adoption, before we knew anything about it, we were only going to consider International Adoption. We were so petrified at the thought of having the birth family ‘butting in’ that we were worried about being in the same country as them originally. It sounds so stupid now. This is where the information days really helped us out. By the end of day 1, we had actually decided to go for a National Adoption. We just had so many misconceptions and the information days really put our minds at ease, and made us do a complete bout-face. So much so, that we now really want to have on-going contact with the birth family. And of course, it also helped to cement our ‘National’ decision when we were given some idea about the costings of International Adoption in day 2. We got a bit of a surprise about exactly how much we would be looking at, and in the end decided it would be so far in our future that it just wasn’t realistic for us. So National it is at least for the time being. If we have no luck with National, we will probably try International in a few years time.