[kune]

Hi nzraven
Nice to see someone new on the NZ/Aus thread - we are a definite minority.

As you will have seen from the previious posts, I'm a birthmother who relinquished back in the late 1960's so not really up with the adoption protocols that you all have to "jump through" to begin the process, but it sounds like you were given very poor advice, and not treated with due respect.

Just wanted you to feel welcome here. We may be a small bunch but we care.

Ann

[coffee_please]

Personally, one of the best things I have found about this site is all of you. We all understand each others frustration. Welcome nzraven.

[nzraven]

thanks for the welcomes. We have been quite busy lately but have just refinished our documents for the next round of waiting so away we go again...to wait...

[coffee_please]

I feel like I'm nesting. It's a weird feeling.

I'm making real plans at work for when (not if) we get chosen. I am recording details about my job for my replacement, have transferred my bringup list to a shared electronic database (just in case I'm not there) and have signatory transfer forms (etc) on file to make the transition easier on everyone. I have requested a Parental Leave Pack from the government because I know I'm taking (at least) the 3-months paid maternity leave.

It really is all just very exciting. I feel that it's close. Could be just wishful thinking - I guess we will see.

Hows everyone else doing?

[nzraven]

How long have you been in the pool coffee_please again? I was going to go back through the threads but thought it would be easier to ask. My husband and I have become quite optimistic again since our last meeting with our social worker and have started discussing...'when the baby comes'...something we haven't been brave enough to say for a while. I too am going to take the three months off, and then we have decided my husband is going to be the stay at home dad, finish his diploma in horticulture and work from home part time. When we first went into the pool I started preparing with little items of clothes and have since given it all away. I was a bit worried that I wouldn't have been prepared but as my mother pointed out, when the baby first gets home, they will not know they are sleeping in a dresser drawer instead of a bassinet. All those things can be organised very quickly. (She speaks from experience, when she had twins, she was not prepared and my brothers spent the first week in dresser drawers until two cots could be organised) I think also having the reminders around would be upsetting but I think it's fantastic that you are preparing for things at work because it's not like you have nine months to get all the work stuff sorted, that's something you want to walk away from and not have unfinished bits and pieces because you won't be able to relax with baby otherwise. That is a good idea, I think I will start doing the same at work.

[coffee_please]

We started the adoption process in 03, but have been in the pool for only 5 months. It took a really long time to get everything together (we too were given the run around by the department).

My husband is going to be the stay at home dad too (at least that's the current plan), as he works from home at the moment.

We had a stillborn baby in 00, and still have a few of her things (bassinet, blankets) but haven't bought anything extra. I'm not too worried about it either, as we've been told time and again that people will come to our aid and lend us things. As as your mum said, our babies are not going to know what they have or don't have for the first little while any way.

I am doing my best to prepare at work because so many people are effected by it. Plus it helps to put my boses mind at ease - he is totally stressed that one day I will be there and the next gone. LOL.

[Richie68]

You are organised Coffee_Please. I'm impressed. When I received the news I had absolutely nothing organised at work and I was stuck at work for 6 hours until my train arrived. My colleagues knew something was up (I think they thought I had a new job or that I was pregnant). I remember trying to hand over my work to my supporting work colleague and he turned around and said "you won't be in tomorrow will you? You're going somewhere aren't you?" What could I say. We literally picked up nappies, formula and wipes for our son (as the foster parents were giving us a few clothes) and then within 24 hours of the adoption everyone else provided everything for him right down to the pram and cot.


I can hardly wait till you guys have those special memories of the first few days to look back on. Just remember you will be in severe shock for two weeks and you will only be able to focus on what is happening at that time. I remember the poor cat who was used to being patted and cuddled got no attention from me. I just didn't have enough energy to pour my love into anybody except our new son. It was a magical time and now we have a perfect, beautiful two year old boy who you would honestly believe was our biological son.

Richie

[nzraven]

Yes I can't wait, I get quite nervous when I think about it though. I had my two children so long ago now to my first husband, and I had Caesarean for both my boys and got post natal depression with my first for 3 days and with my second for 1 month. No one told me about this and I was so ashamed for anyone to know I did not love my child, which of course I did, I just didn't know I was depressed until my plunket nurse picked up on it. I now know it is common with Caesareans and apparently even with natural births as well. But I guess I am thinking when the new baby comes and I have not had time to have it grow inside me, how can I love it straight away, and of course, if I liken it to what happened when I had post natal then I will know the love will come.
I am very lucky, I will be able to drop what I am doing and take 3 months off, no questions asked, so it will be me that will go home and nest, waiting for my husband to tidy up his loose ends at work.
I was so excited to see a new note in all our paperwork asking if we would be open to mixed cultured babies!!!!! Of course we would! I think this will increase our chances of actually getting a baby, and we are pretty excited about that. On top of that if you see more positives, how exciting to be able to embrace another culture! What a fantastic journey we could have with our little one.

[coffee_please]

We have another home visit coming up in a week. Good excuse for a thorough spring clean I suppose.

You know, I’m very upfront with people about our fertility status and the stillbirth of our daughter. I don’t go out of my way to advertise it or anything, but I don’t dodge tricky questions when they are asked either. I’m curious tho as to whether any of you get the same types of comments I get with regards to being infertile.

I get:

• You know what will happen, once you adopt you will fall pregnant!
• I know someone, who knows someone, who tried to get pregnant for x years (always longer than me) and once they relaxed, it just happened.
• Maybe it’s just not meant to be
• Maybe it’s better this way - or my favourite…
• (When they find out about my stillbirth) It’s probably just physiological – once you relax…

The thing that really gets me, the people saying these things, don’t know me. We aren’t close, they aren’t my friends and yet they feel qualified to express their thoughts without any consideration to my feelings about being told they think I’m nuts (Point 5). I mean friends just don't say stuff like that, and that's because they know what I've been through.

I’ve been meaning to mention this for a while. I was reminded about it when I went out last night with an acquaintance. I’m interested to know if you guys hear any of those comments or if you have special ones of your own.

Hope things are well. Keep in touch.

[Richie68]

Laugh - I've had all those comments. Especially the stories about people who got pregnant after X years stories - and this will happen to you, or the ones that tell you to go on holiday and just forget about it. Like I've never heard that one before

The one thing I actually hate is when people (who barely know you) start telling you all about their preganancies and how you are so lucky you don't have to go through morning sickness etc, but at the same time make you feel like you are "not in the club". I have to do everything to bite my lip to not say "well actually I've been pregnant", as this is my private information and nothing to do with them.

I sound like I'm in a very negative mood today don't I! I better jump out of my grumpiness.

On a postive note, If you try and stay positive when these people are saying this all to you, "when" your beautiful child arrives, everyone will remember how positive you were and say how gracious you were in not being negative. Hope that makes sense.

Regards

Richie

PS: Coffee Please - what do they do in your home study inspection? Please tell me they don't expect your toliet and check your cupboards. Sounds like the old days. We never had that happen to us before we adopted. Love to know.

[coffee_please]

It normally takes a couple of hours. Basically our s/w comes over at a pre-arranged time and goes over things to make sure we are in the same "place" we were in before and makes sure that we still want to proceed. It's quite an informal chat and is really quite relaxed. She has never "inspected" our house to my knowledge. In fact I don't think she has been any further inside than our lounge. She has never looked in our fridge, down our toilet or in any of the bedrooms. LOL. I think as long as a house has a roof, walls, plumbing and electricity, it passes. We usually make sure it is spotlessly clean (altho I'm not sure if that is absolutely necessary - but it makes me feel better). I usually ask ahead of time if we need to have anything ready for her visit - usually this will get her to tell me what she plans on discussing with us. This time she has said she would like to discuss adopting a child from another culture - but I'm not sure what form this discussion will take. Altho in saying all of this, we are well aware the entire time, that what we are saying is totally 'on the record'. I can't believe you never had to have one of these visits. This will be our third.

[nzraven]

Our s/w did our home visit in January and even though I'm sure you're right they are not doing a full inspection I do a top to toe clean, we are dressed to impress and sit on eggshells its very nerve racking having to continually sell yourselves. I know exactly what you mean, "the minute you adopt you will fall pregnant", or "just relax and it will happen, or the minute you can stop thinking about it, you will fall pregnant".... does anyone here know how to "stop thinking about it" The one about relaxing and going on holiday's hurts a bit because we did go to Hawaii and the last thing that we thought about was getting pregnant and sure enough, we fell pregnant, but miscarried...again! It's amazing the advice offered by people who hardly know us!

I am starting to wonder if we did the right thing, we asked our s/w to enrol us in day three of the adoption course for international and she told us to hold off for a bit, but since January we have not heard a word from her, mind you, I am not being a squeaky wheel myself, I think I will chase her up and push for day three regardless, time is running out for us, I have hit 40 and my husband is not far behind, after 10 years, we have waited enough for a new baby, a toddler would still be fantastic and more of a sure thing.

We have had my husband's sister offer surrogacy again, man does that throw a spanner in the works, it is a tough conversation point in the family, my husband still doesn't know how he feels about that, any thoughts on this, not looking for advice but thoughts, I just can't really talk to most of my friends about this as no one else is in this position.

[loubielou]

Hi all

Well, what an interesting conversation. Boy, I think I have heard every stupid comment under the sun. Definitely "just relax and it will happen" and the "holiday" option. In 5 years we have had several holidays and no babies, you'd think people would stop with that one! Actually, I find it increasingly difficult to be polite when - for example last weekend... I was asked if I had chn - and when I said "no" I got told it wasn't too late, that I was still young! I'm pushing 40 but maybe look younger (?)

The other one is when people say I'd better "get onto it soon" cos I'm not getting any younger. Hmmm
I think I need to be more straight-up with people and say we have been trying and it aint happening. But then I wonder if that opens us up to scrutiny about who's "fault" it is.
Sometimes I just want the ground to open up and swallow me when people start talking about babies and you know the questions are going to start coming.

Sometimes my family say the most annoying things actually - tonite we were talking about wanting a bigger house and my sil says - why? there's only 2 of you. INSENSITIVE OR WHAT?

On a more positive note...we have just updated our profile and were both really happy with how it looks and sounds. so we hope that will bring us luck.

Nice to see chatter on this board.

[Richie68]

Interestingly I think we've touched a nerve here ladies. Maybe there should be government funding put aside for us to all go on a relaxing holiday as that is apparently one way that society is telling us that we can all get pregnant. Infertily Assoc could have a resort in Fiji and we could all come away pregnant from our holidays!! LOL

NZRaven - wow what an unbelievable offer from your sister in law. One of my best friends said that if her sister could not have produced children she would of happily provided surrogacy for her which I thought was a pretty amazing offer. My brothers wife offered us her eggs which I would have accepted if we needed them. To be honest I have no idea about the law of surrogacy in NZ (can anyone fill me in?). Can an immediate family member carry your child? Wow is all I can say, would love to hear everyone else's opinion.

Richie

[loubielou]

There is no law governing surrogacy here as yet, so at the moment it is entirely possible. An interesting option huh? I wonder if/when it will become a matter of law. Considering our adoption law hasn't been altered since the 1950's I wouldn't expect change in a hurry.