[Richie68]

Hi Coffee_Please (ChelseaCFA and LoubieLou if you are still out there).

That is such a laugh as that is exactely what we thought! My DH was so worried about some guy turning up on our doorstep saying that he was the "birth father" and he had "rights". The course really cleared that up for us - I think it was one of the first questions we asked. The word "open" makes it sound like they can just turn up at any time and anywhere.

And you are right, it would be great to have contact. I think about our son's birth mother most days. Where is she, what is she doing, is she okay - has she finally told someone about him? I would just love to show her what a beautiful special boy she has created and show her just how much love he is receiving, and of course tell her that we worship the ground she walks on for giving us such a precious gift. But alas, for the time being it is not to be - it's all very sad from that aspect.

My thoughts to were to adopt internationally. Surprisingly I've had 3 friends that have adopted in the early years and each time the stats sounded like there were only about 10 babies adopted in NZ in a year - so I thought we had no chance because I thought, incorrectly, that I had the facts. Then when I went to the course I worked out that you had around a 30% chance of adoption (at that time 2001/2002 - and I thought those odds were actually quite good. I imagined they'd be 1000's on the waiting list in one region alone - and yet here they were crying out for applicates.

So Coffee_Please what are the stats like these days? I know it was not a busy year last year, but what is this year like so far - has there been any recent stats?

Richie68

[ChelseaCFC]

Hi Guys. Yep I'm still here, been a long week though.

We (actually mostly I) have done a bit of research into International Adoption and in some respects it is appealing, from here it seems to take 2 - 3 years but is at least fairly certain rather than the idea of being in a pool but you might never get picked (takes me back to school days). I think after the uncertainty of infertility, the idea of a bit of certainty is very appealing. But then you have to think about the bigger picture, cost, loss of language, culture, birth family contact, and all that as well. And while that isn't insurmountable it is certainly needs some careful thought. I know some people who are in the process of adopting from China are spending the waiting time by learning Mandarin. So, International is still on the list, Plan B or C I think! I know my kids are out there somewhere and it's just a matter of time before we find each other, be that by medical means or by adoption.

On the NZ stats, don't take this as gospel because math isn't my strong point and neither is my memory, but I have an idea the stats on NZ adoption are something like 100 babies / 200-250 parents, so not bad odds - please somebody else do the math!

What stage of the IVF cycle are you at Richie68? I'm paying because I don't want to wait around - I'm 35 now. Sorry, I didn't mean to be confusing earlier - I did get that you've got a son but what I meant was that 6 years is a long time to wait to be a mum. Like someone else said earlier, its great to know that it's really possible. I can only imagine how amazing it was to get that phonecall .

I like living in the UK, but you're right - NZ is a great place to bring up kids. I do wonder though how tough the adjusting back to life in NZ will be - last time I was back, I was walking down Queen St wondering where all the people were? I do get pretty homesick though - I really miss the beaches. And also the people - in NZ when people tell you to drop by for coffee, they really mean it!

Take care out there.
Chelsea CFC

[loubielou]

Wow - you lot have been talking up a storm! It's so great to come here and find something happening. I thought I had this thing set to send me emails when new posts came up and hadnt checked in for a while - but here I am and yes we are still waiting.
I'm not sure if I posted this before but we found out recently as you did Richie that we had been picked (about a week after our profile went into the pool!) but bmum decided to keep her baby. So, I do have hope that someone else will pick us... but the waiting is really tough. I feel at least we have a chance with adoption - after 4 years ttc and only 1 pregnancy which ended in m/c I dont hold out much hope of conceiving naturally any more.

I would love to go for International Adoption, but dh is against it, and I know it would come with added stress so it is probably best to stay in the local pool, but I am 38 now and dh 44 , some days I feel that time is running out. I try not to be too morbid but I am sad that so far we havent had the opportunity to create a loving family. I always wanted lots of kids. Ironic.

Well - I am raving - as I have a habit of doing. It's so nice to finally have other people to talk to who understand. Not a day goes by when I dont imagine getting that phonecall. Richie it's nice to hear that it actually happens sometimes.
Oh I found a page of stats from CYPs they are from 2004...
there were 217 couples in the pool in NZ and 88 placements, (59 couples in Auckland and 21 placements)
Altho the majority were european I think they find it hard to place Maori and Asian babies (we have twice been asked if our profile could be shown to Asian bmums, because I have Euro-asian extended family members).

[coffee_please]

Wow I find those stats incredibly interesting. We are both European, but have said that we would love to have an asian/indian baby - actually pretty much any culture. We were told by our S/W that we would have a placement in a week if they could show our profile to the b/parents of a down syndrome child - but as we would be first time parents, I'm nervous about our lack of experience. However, we have both actually said that should we choose to adopt again after the first time, it is something we would seriously consider. They are crying out for parents apparently. How amazing that you were choosen once. On one hand its really positive but on the other, I can understand the disapointment. I feel for you all. We were watching something the other night on TV (I think it was ER or something) and they had this little boy who was being abused, and my heart just went out (even tho it was fiction) and I said to dh that if the adoption thing doesn't work out, that I would like to foster. He seemed quite keen. I just can't bear the thought of kids being hurt out there and no one jumping into protect them. it just does my head in.

[loubielou]

Hi again
Oh yeah I'm with you on the child abuse thing. I watch ER too, and yes tho' it is only a TV programme it does bring up a lot of emotions. I would be into fostering too, but havent had that discussion with dh yet. Not sure he would be keen, he is more nervous about parenting than I am...less time around kids than me (I have 5 nephews).
We are lucky that we are quite different, he is into sport and I'm not really - I was brought up around art and books and beaches - he's not keen on swimming - so I like to think we'd bring lots of options to our children, and it wouldnt matter that they may not be our own, coz we are very different so I think we cover many of the bases...if that makes sense.
I just want the chance to make it happen.
Coffee_pls - I admire your spirit considering adopting a child of a different ethnicity, we decided no to that...felt it was just one more hurdle we didnt want the child to have to face...looking at us (pale-faced) and wondering where it came from. I see it as a public display of difference...thats not to say it cant be managed well, just that it's not for us.
As for the profile........that was just the hardest thing! In the end we went for lots of photos too (some of which I would like to change, but havent gotten around to it yet) . It really was a lesson in compromising (which our relationship is, becos we are so different)...I remember an email from one of the people in our ed days who said she thought her and her hubby would end up with a profile each, and maybe different children...which cracked me up coz it sure was like that for us too.

[Richie68]

Hi Everyone. Glad to see the conversation picking up again! Lovely to hear from you all.

I was very interested in a couple of comments about "ethnic" (if I can use the word) adoptions and fostering.

We were told by our SW that there was absolutely no way that we would ever be considered for adoption of a Maori baby (we are both European NZers) but we ticked the "maybe" box for Ethnicity anyway just incase we were asked to consider e.g a Greek baby etc. Well one day (whilst I was watching Coro St!) w got a "strange" phone call from our "SW" telling us that they were updating their records (yeah right) and would we consider a child that we did not know the race of. I luckily said yes and two weeks later we were proud parents. Our son is definitely 1/2 European and probably part Maori or Samoan.

People that don't know us would never know. He looks so like us! Dark hair and Eyes like me and slightly Olive skin like his dad. You'd never guess. And I'm really pleased that we said yes because he is a joy to behold. What are we going to do about that big question when it comes time, we have no idea. But I do know that when our son lies down to sleep at night, I know that he feels loved, secure and special and that will hopefully get him through.

I was also interested in that you were both interested in fostering. I can honesly say I never wanted to go down that path but I think you guys are great and you deserve all the praise you can get. You should consider fostering whilst you wait to adopt. I heard of a couple that have 2 adopted children (both from fostering). Have your SW people advised that you can do this?? I do have some friends that actually did this so I do know it is possible to foster and adopt at the same time.

So how about it?

Richie68

[coffee_please]

It’s funny you should say that because originally we were also told that there was no way we could adopt a non-European child as we are both European. Then we were told we **could** as long as the birth mother didn’t have any objections. Very strange.



Re Fostering while waiting for Adoption, that’s what we have been discussing lately. I’m very lucky to work in a Primary school, so if we Fostered primary school aged children, they could possibly go to my school with me in the morning, come home with me in the afternoon and I would have school holidays off with them. It’s just a thought at this stage, but I think it would be possible. Nope my S/W has not discussed this with us. I haven’t mentioned it to her tho. I think we would only look at short-term placement.



I’m very happy tonight. We got told today that our profile (well the written part of it anyway) is finished. Our SW is happy with it. So the next step is to put it all together with our photos etc and send it in for final approval. Hopefully this wont be too far away. I’m very excited. It has ONLY taken 4.5 months to get to this stage. Ridiculous I know!!!



I’m so glad we have these conversations. I talk to dh all the time about the things I am learning from you guys and that I am getting a lot from our conversations. I feel bad that he doesn’t really have anyone like you to chat too. But he’s not really a ‘chatter’ anyway. We are quite different people too. He is a putter offerer. Why do something today, when you could do it tomorrow, or next week, heck why not next month, whereas I am a do now DO NOW DDDDDDOOOOOO NNNNOOOOOWWWWWW!!!!! type of person. This has caused problems with the writing of our profile. He also never shows outwardly when he is excited. I find this incredibly frustrating sometimes. I know he IS excited, but it would be wonderful to actually see it and not just know it. Does this make sense?

[Richie68]

Hi Everyone

Well we had our initial meeting with the IVF clinic on Monday it went really well they've put me on the books to start in July. Yippeeee. I think I'm excited, I'm sure I'm excited, but do I really want to go through all that again! I'm now 4 weeks without caffine (I think it is showing), alcohol (which I miss!) and folic acid tablets!

LoubieLou wondering if you could tell us the link to where you exactely found those stats about NZ adoptions. I'd be interested to see what other info they had. I was born nosey.

Coffee_please glad to hear that you had come this far on the profile. Congratulation. Yippeee to you! The photos are easy, at least they can't tell you that you have chosen the wrong ones. I'm sounding bossy hear (and I don't mean to be ) ) but put nice biggish photos in, originally my first profile you could barely make us out. When I made the pictures bigger it made a huge difference abd we got our son two months later. Your profile should be ready soon then ah. Don't be too put off. We were registered in January and we didn't get our profile on until August. I thought we would never get there. We were also chosen literally 2 months before our profile expired. Also, I've heard - though this may not be fact - that sometimes if you suit a particular situation that put your profile forward unfinished.

As for dh - yes I can totally relate. Must be a red blooded male thing!

And one last thing - CheasleaCFC when are you coming back? We'll all have to get together to celebrate when all those beautiful babies are adopted or born from IVF!!

Fingers crossed for everyone

Regards
Richie68

[ChelseaCFC]

Hi Richie, Coffee & Loubielou
I'm back! Been away for a wee break in Lille - which is the upside of being on this side of the world. It's great to read your messages - I kept my feelings to myself on this for way too long and was pretty darn sad on the inside but tried to appear happy on the outside. I even kept it all from my family - which, being on this side of the world probably made it easier to hide things. Anyway I'm 'out' now and feel so much better for having been able to stand up and say that I feel sad about not being a Mum (yet!).

On the 'ethnic' front, we've also been told here in the UK that SW won't match you unless you can 'reflect' the child's ethnic background - which on one hand I can see their point, but on the other hand I reckon feeling loved and secure must come first. I've been looking at International Adoption from here (might be plan c or d I think), mostly China - but I won't go on about it now.

Richie - good on you giving up the coffee, I've started the multi-vitamins (with extra folic acid) already, but don't know if I can ditch coffee completely. We're still sorting dates and logistics but I reckon we'll aim to start IVF in Aug or Sept - so as a first timer I'll be hanging out to hear how you're getting on and what it really involves.

Well guys, I've got a heap more I could go on about but it's past my bedtime yet again. My main thought is that this is a journey which might take us a while, but we have to keep moving forward and not give up the belief that one day (hopefully soon) we will reach our goals. It sounds cheesy but it's really nice to have some company.

Chelsea

[coffee_please]

Boy I have been having such trouble getting on this site lately. I keep being redirected. It’s been driving me crazy.



Hi everyone,

Ritchie congratulations on the IVF. I’m so excited for you. That’s next month!!! OMG!!! Totally scary, but completely exciting! Commiserations on the coffee tho, I can barely go overnight without one, let alone 4 weeks!



It’s hard finding pictures of dh for our profile because he is always the one taking them. We have quite a few tho, so we should be right. I’m not so nervous about putting big pictures in, because I really want to portray the real me. What’s more real than me with no makeup, bed hair and spots (from when we were camping over new year). Delightful.



Chelsea, I totally relate to happy being ‘out’. I recently changed jobs. I had been at my old job for 6 years. Most of the people there had been through my stillbirth with me and consequent infertility, and were very cautious, careful and understanding when I needed them to be. Then I started a job where no one knew my background, and it was horrible. Seriously. I mean it’s not something you just want to jump into with everyone you meet, but sometimes your boss needs to know why you need to go into hospital (follow-up Fertility Treatment) and sometimes they need to know why you get emotional around Mothers Day. Know what I mean? Anyway, slowly I am telling those that I am close to at work (friends and family know already) and I feel a lot better for it.



That’s all from me. Hope to hear from you guys soon. Are you having trouble accessing the site too, or is it just me?

[cakegirl]

Hi Coffee_Please,

You're not the only one who was having trouble accessing the site. The forums were down for a few days. I emailed the administrators and didn't get a response, but the site started saying it was down for service, and now today it's back up again, thank goodness!

Rebecca

[Richie68]

Hi Everyone (including Cakegirl)

Thank goodness someone said something. I thought my pc had decided to lock me out of the site. PC's do the weirdest things. They appear to be having quite a few problems with the site as this is not the first time I've had issues getting in. **** computers *#$@

I need coffeeeeee - oh that's right I've given up. Though I did have a very nice decaf today.

Hey Coffee_Please (or should I call you Decaf_Please - I might get withdrawls! lol) you must have been so lucky to work in such a wonderful working environment. All that backup support. You need support around you especially when you are in an office 8 hours a day. Not that I have been through 1/2 of what you have talked about (and I would never be-little that ever) but luckily I had a fanastic boss (one of the few people who knew) and she was ok some days when I just couldn't face work. One thing I hated was that nobody knew - but everyone knew - if you know what I mean. I was on the wrong side of 30 with no kids. I might as well of had infertily printed on my forehead. lol. I remember having a huge fit one day (with my boss) saying "why don't they just ring me and tell me I've got a baby" - I was so angry - but the truth is - literally - the next day they did. So Coffee_Please (and everyone else out there) be careful for what you wish for, as it might just come true the next day! lol.

Well Coffee_Please sounds like you may have moved to good working environment as there are people around you that you must be able to trust - which is great.

Oh and as for the photos - go for the glamour shots, and any not so glamourous make them smaller. I've never been so vain in all my life when we did our photos. I literally took them out of the photo frames around the house. I think my dh thought I was barking mad. Talking of barking mad, don't forget the animals - everyone loves cute animal shots )

There was one other comment I wanted to make to ChelseaCFC but I can't remember what that is so will post later.

Hope this fines everyone well (and not locked out of the system!) in NZ, Australia and England or wherever you are.

Richie68

[ChelseaCFC]

Hi Everyone

I hope life has been kind to you all lately. Richie - how is the decaff lifestyle going? I know I should also give it up - but boy I don't know if I can. I only have one or two a day but it just would be so hard to have nothing! Actually, I used to smoke in my young and carefree days and I managed to kick that, so maybe it is possible. I have started taking multi-vitamins with folic acid though - so it's a start. Are you also off alchohol too?

I've had to tell my bosses this week what my plans are - and it's kind of strange, I feel quite calm at the moment. I guess I'll start to panic soon enough. It's also very weird telling these big wig super serious guys that I'm off to do IVF - and I just don't care what they think about me.

Coffee_please - how is the hunt going for glamour shots and cute furry animals? I can lend you some of my cat if you're short .

Well guys I'm pretty tired tonight - just cause I'm leaving my job soon doesn't mean I shouldn't still work an 11 hour day! I hope that the sun is shining on you all and my goodness I can't wait till our kids arrive!

Lots of love.
Chelsea

[cakegirl]

Hi there Chelsea,

I know what you mean - I feel weird, because I'm trying to get myself "organised" so that if this adoption application proceeds, I'm not going to get stuck with something unplanned - I've organised contents insurance, risk management for if I lose my income, paying off a little extra on the home loan now in case I need to redraw in the future, etc... And people keep asking my why I'm doing it, (like at the bank today), and I say something general like "in case I have kids..." and I know it doesn't really make sense to them, but anyway...!

[ChelseaCFC]

Hi Everyone

Yay, Friday night!!! For those of you in winter, I can confirm that the british summer is a shade of dull grey interspersed by periods of dark and wet grey so far.

Cakegirl - wow, you really are organised! I get paid to be organised at work, but am in my own life not organised. I am so impressed! I thought booking my tickets and arranging for someone to feed the cat while I'm in NZ was organised . Did I read your previous post right - are you doing international or local adoption? How has it been for you so far?

I've now told all the bosses at my work what my plans are - and am absolutely gobsmacked at how good they have all been. They all said they would do whatever they could to support me and that they want me to come back whether the IVF works or not. I could not have been more touched or suprised.

Hope you all have a fabulous weekend.

Chelsea