[kune]

I think the text is a good idea Kirsty - it has been a while and I hoped you would hear from her. As in all these situations, it is the "not knowing" that is the worst. You start imagining only the worst senarios.

Do you have a MacDonald? Maybe the playground will work for the 8 year old for a while anyway.

Kirsty, you are doing everything you can to make this easy for her to have contact with your son. It will happen when it happens. If not in April, then maybe May. How about asking her if she is finding this all too much at the moment. At least that is inviting an answer and she will see you care.

Regards - Ann

[coffee_please]

Hi Folks,

Have just updated my avatar photo show a more recent one of Cam-The-Man (taken at his 6-month birthday). Hope it comes through okay.

Have also added a Ticker. How cool are they!!!! I didn't even know they existed until the other day. Did you know you can get Adoption-Waiting-List ones?

Also, for those of you who know Auckland... I am considering The Museum or The Domain for our visit this month with the birth family. Any thoughts? I haven't made an actual decision yet, and really have to do so soon. I'm having a huge amount of trouble coming up with a location this time.

HAPPY EASTER
Kirsty

[kune]

Hey Kirsty
Cam-the-Man is a real cutie - whew they grow up so fast!!!
Just spent the weekend with our 2yr old grandson so I'm still in Grannie Annie mode - love the darlings.

Don't sweat the small stuff - any venue will be good. Just make a choice and make the best of it.

Regards - Ann

[ChelseaCFC]

Hi Guys

Happy Easter to you all. Hope it's been a good one with plenty of cross buns and eggs. I actually prefer the buns to the eggs - but can make do with either!

Kirsty - I'm sure the Museum or the Domain will be absolutely fine. I can imagine I'd be the same worrying about it. Kune's right though and I'm sure you'll make the best of wherever you go. I've not been there for a million years so no doubt it's changed alot. Used to love climbing those weird big trees when we were kids.

Not much is new here. It's been hot and sunny so been out in the garden trying to get ready for spring - yipes, what happened to March?? Time flies but we're still waiting. Our social worker has mentioned another potential match - two girls this time. Feeling more seasoned this time around - so won't get hopes up. In anycase we won't know until June/July if we're in with a chance as they need to go through more court procedures still.

I'm generally ok with the waiting but have to say I've found easter particularly hard - it's a bit like Christmas isn't it - very family orientated, which tends to throw a big light on our childless existence. ( Sister sent me photos of my niece baking crossbuns - which was lovely but didn't half make feel sad. How badly do I want to be doing that sort of thing with my children??? Sorry that was a bit of a winge.

Actually the sun has been out and the garden is looking better already. So wishing you all a very happy easter whatever you do.
Chelsea x

[coffee_please]

Originally Posted by ChelseaCFC

Hi Guys

Happy Easter to you all. Hope it's been a good one with plenty of cross buns and eggs. I actually prefer the buns to the eggs - but can make do with either!

Kirsty - I'm sure the Museum or the Domain will be absolutely fine. I can imagine I'd be the same worrying about it. Kune's right though and I'm sure you'll make the best of wherever you go. I've not been there for a million years so no doubt it's changed alot. Used to love climbing those weird big trees when we were kids.

Not much is new here. It's been hot and sunny so been out in the garden trying to get ready for spring - yipes, what happened to March?? Time flies but we're still waiting. Our social worker has mentioned another potential match - two girls this time. Feeling more seasoned this time around - so won't get hopes up. In anycase we won't know until June/July if we're in with a chance as they need to go through more court procedures still.

I'm generally ok with the waiting but have to say I've found easter particularly hard - it's a bit like Christmas isn't it - very family orientated, which tends to throw a big light on our childless existence. ( Sister sent me photos of my niece baking crossbuns - which was lovely but didn't half make feel sad. How badly do I want to be doing that sort of thing with my children??? Sorry that was a bit of a winge.

Actually the sun has been out and the garden is looking better already. So wishing you all a very happy easter whatever you do.
Chelsea x

I never really found Easter too difficult, but found Christmas and the whole month of May unbearable (anniversary of our daughters birth/death and then 1-week later Mother's Day) but I can totally relate to what you are saying - I have sooooo been there.

You know what, if you need to winge - then winge! If you can't do it here, then where can you do it!! We are here to (as a good friend of mine puts it) make all the right noises - ohhhh <sigh> etc (sometimes the right noise was all it took to make me feel better). I used to ring her up and say... "I'm having a feel sorry for me day" and she would know to get her sympathic voice on. LOL.

[ChelseaCFC]

Thanks Kirsty! I'm feeling better again now easter is over. I've moved on into frustration at how long this path to being a mum is taking - so am going to chanel that anger off into something productive, like sorting out the garden now that spring has sprung. Poor hubby - he does well on sympathy when I'm sick, you know he fetches hotwater bottles, makes lemsips or whatever, but he struggles with just plain sad. I do too - it's so debilitating, you just don't feel like doing anything. I'd much rather be angry and get things done. But - I guess we do need to have sad and feeling sorry for me days too. Grief is a very odd thing - you think you're fine and getting on and living with your loss, then on odd days it jumps up and bites you. I think the sadness is always going to be there, you just somehow get better at dealing with it. Maybe? I could also be talking total nonsense!

Anyway - onto cheerier stuff. I can't believe that beautiful boy of yours is six months old. Hope you got your contact day sorted. Chances are (though not necessarily) we will only get letterbox contact for our children (yep, they will arrive one day!). Some have direct but seems the majority are letterbox. Some people do get to meet the birthparents once before placement, which although hard, would be v. important I think.

Right - off to plant my tomatoes! Happy thoughts to you all.
Chelsea

[coffee_please]

Seven months old yesterday. Freaky! We have got the visit sorted. It is tomorrow and I am really looking forward to it.

I take a photo of Cam with his other family every time we see them and print two copies. One we give to the birth family the next time we see them, and the other we put in a frame in his room (the older photos are behind it in the same frame). Each photo has the date and location of the photo recorded on the back. I think it's a nice record for us all.

[coffee_please]

She cancelled. Aaarrrggghhh, we were walking out the door to meet them, and I got a text saying that 'sorry, can't make it today'. No reason, no nothing. I'm just really glad that Campbell isn't old enough to be disapointed.

[ChelseaCFC]

Hi Kirsty

Sorry about your contact visit being cancelled. I can imagine you must have been all psyched up and ready for it. I know you can't know what "can't make it today" really means behind the words for birthmom, and in time when Cam is older he may also have to struggle with what "can't make it today" really means too. It is a hard one isn't it - from your perspective, I can only imagine how frustrated you must feel.

Contact is something I worry about (I know it's advanced worrying but I've got a bit of time on my hands!). Probably in my case it will be letterbox only - because quite sadly in many cases here it just isn't safe to have direct contact. I also worry about how do I find the balance between being positive about bps and explaining why they couldn't keep their children safe (either from others or themselves). Just how do I explain that to a small child?

Anyway when I think of that, I think of a good friend of mine who fell pregnant years ago, it was a one-off so to speak and they were never going to be a couple. But for the sake of the child my friend tried to maintain some kind of father/daughter relationship for her daughter. Sadly Dad was very unreliable and time and again would tell his daughter he was coming over to visit and then never turn up. My friend didn't want to make excuses for him but also didn't want to create a negative picture of her daughter's dad, she said at the end of the day it was his actions (or rather inactions) that were wrong. He just made the wrong decisions -often. So she told her daughter that what dad did was wrong (not turning up or whatever), but that she didn't know why he didn't show, and then they made up lots of different reasons together of why he 'might' not have turned up today - some bad, some sad, some selfish and in the end ridiculous silly reasons. Anyhow - over the years it seems to have worked out ok. Daughter is now 18, and seems pretty darn together. Daughter still loves her Dad, but knows he is totally unreliable and seems fine with it. I like how she taught her daughter to be strong and resiliant - I hope I can be just as good a mum one day. Anyhow, different situation, but I hope to somehow adapt that approach to my situation one day. (um, please remind me when I'm tearing my hear out will you??)

Anyway, sorry it didn't go according to plan despite all your hard work. I hope that birthmom finds whatever she needs and your next visit goes more smoothly.

Chelsea xxx

[loubielou]

Hey all
I thought I posted yesterday, but came back today to find it gone. Weird.

Kirsty - Your boy is gorgeous. Where has the time gone? Really sorry for you that b-mum cancelled your get-together - hope it happens sometime soon. As the others have said, it could be for any number of reasons. Keep your chin up. She may just need some time.

Chelsea - I am so excited that you could see some action this year. I know it seems like ages - I know - I know - but I'm sure it will happen for you and when it does it will all just be right. It sounds like your situation is similar to the permanent placement situation we have here in NZ, where children who are unable to live with their bio parents are placed (permanently) but here they are not adopted. There are sometimes issues with access I think, in that - like your potential situation - it is not safe for the children to have ongoing face-to-face contact. Sad.

Kune - yay for being a grandma! I know my mum relishes the role... boy do my siblings' kids get spoiled compared with how mum raised us. And, as usual I like your "dont' sweat the small stuff" advice - It was a timely reminder to me too. thanks

Keep posting ... it's always nice to hear what's happening for people

Lou-b

[coffee_please]

Yeah I was psyched up for the visit, but I've realised since, that us sharing him with them is easy (for us), he is lovely and we want to show him off. His other family have the difficult part of having to say goodbye at the end of the visit. Thinking about that helped me put everything in perspective. I still don't know what 'can't make it today' meant. I've sent her a text saying that if she is finding things too hard at the moment, just to contact me when she is ready. But I have set a reminder to contact her again by text in a month.

Chelsea, your friend sounds like a very wise woman, and we have what you said on this website to show you when you are tearing your hair out. LOL.

Thanks for your kind words Lou-b. Much appreciated.

[ChelseaCFC]

Hey Guys,

Lou-b - great to hear from you and hope you're doing ok. Yes, adoption here is a bit like your permanent placement in some respects, in particular the fact that the children are not voluntarily relinquished (odd word that, I'm not sure it's the right one, but you know what I mean). How are you coping with the wait? Any thoughts on moving onto international adoption? I hear from my sister that there are quite a lot of NZrs adopting from Russia. I've considered it (man, I've considered pretty much everything in my quest to be a mum!! ) - but they make it soooo darn hard here to adopt internationally. So we sit and wait.

Actually, we've been trying to push on with all the million little jobs that need doing on the house. That ought to keep us out of trouble for some time. Got a bank holiday weekend next week - yay!

Kirsty - your words reminded me of something they told us in prep-group (so long ago!). They were saying how when you finally get through matching and introductions and the children are coming home to you, be aware of the different perspectives. As in, we will be happy and excited because we're finally becoming a family, etc,etc. But for the children - it will be a mix of emotions and not all happy, and that they will be in a totally different emotional place to us. Depending on their age, it is likely they won't even cognitively understand what emotions they are feeling, but will feel them nonetheless. Also, the foster family - even if they are the most professional carers in the world, they too are losing something precious that they have come to love. Sometimes you also get to meet the birthparents - but not always and I think that's sometime around introductions but before placement. Gosh - I've got so much to think about. Maybe I should be glad I've got all this time to think and prepare in my head.

Kune - hope you're enjoying being granny and spoiling those kids.

Well gotta go cook dinner now. Hope you all have a fab week.
Chelsea

[coffee_please]

We met our new social worker today. She seems very nice. Our last one got sick and left recently. This was our second home visit since Cam came home. We have one more before our final court case. Speaking of which... we have only 32 sleeps before we can lodge our final adoption order. Yay. So not long now until he is OURS.

[ChelseaCFC]

Hi Kirsty
Wow, that's great news - counting down those sleeps for you!
I don't know much about what happens here on that side of things - I guess I've been focussing so far on getting to the actual match stage.
We've got a double date with our SW and the SW for twins this Wednesday. Scary, it's our first time that we've got this far. Not sure what she will ask, I imagine it being like a job interview - hope we do ok! I suspect though that they have another couple in mind already and we're kind of like the third quote. But hey, you never know and it will be good experience so to speak. I will of course be busy baking afghans and anzacs this weekend!
Hope you're all doing ok and have a lovely weekend.
Chelseaxxx

[coffee_please]

WooHoo Chelsea. I will be thinking of you on Wednesday. Please keep us posted...