[luvmy5kids]

Hello everyone!

My husband and I have recently came into an adoptive placement with a little boy named Shawn. (DOB 1/20/99) I have attended some trainings which deal with attachment disorders and read "adopting the hurt child" ad I really think our little boy might have some of these characteristics. When speaking with my SW, she says "he is only 3", but he is so wild. He came along with his 21 month old siblings (twins) and he tries to really hurt them. When redirecting him to a safe place he hits, kicks and tries to bite me. He breaks all of his toys and he is very mean to our dogs. We had him tested and he came out above average in his cognative abilities. Everything I try to disiplne him does not work. He is worse when my husband is gone, he is fairly manageable when dad is home.

I have attempted to make an appointment for a therapist to check him out and since he is an adoptive placement, I am unable to this, the SW has too. I have contacted her and her supervisor many times, but the response I get is "it takes a month for the referall to go through Ma'am."

I am really at my witts end with him. Could you offer any suggestions?

Thank you,
Danielle

[reneetaylor]

Luvmy5kids - I feel for you and hope that things get better. I've had a few "anger" episodes with my 5 yr old daughter that really try my patience, and so I can understand your frustration. It sounds like this little boy is in desperate need of some positive attention and possibly some therapy from an outside source. He probably has abandonment issues or post-traumatic stress issues that need to be addressed.

If you are the one with him all day, and you are the one who wants to be this child's mother, then you need to show him that you love him even when his behavior isn't the best. If you get angry with him and keep trying to punish him when he acts out these feelings, he will associate you with just another person who is dissappointed in him and doesn't love him. I know it is hard to have patience with a child that acts like a complete terror, but you have to try. By spending more time with him and holding him when he gets distructive, you'll go a long way towards bonding with him and getting him to trust you. He is probably feeling very insecure and unloved and needs the security blanket feeling that maybe only your husband can provide right now. By spending that one on one time with him, you'll get him to trust you more and that is what he obviously needs.

Do you now show more attention to the younger kids? It sounds like he is very jealous of his siblings, so it is up to you to make him feel just as special as they are. And if he breaks his toys, then don't buy him any more until you feel that he can appreciate them and take care of them. Trying to set down the ground rules now is difficult with an almost four year old child, but don't give up. Don't let this little boy down. He is just testing you and you need to have faith that it will work out. Get a babysitter for his siblings and spend some time with this child! Do you attend church? Most churches provide a "mother's afternoon out" or a support group that can help. Check into that! Or enroll him in a gymnastics class or a karate class to work off some of that aggression.

Keep pestering your SW until she agrees to get him some help, from a therapist. I take it that these children are not leagally yours yet? When does that happen?

I wish you luck.

PS. I got my daughter a really soft baby blanket (her security blanket!) and no matter what she does and what priviliges she gets taken away or what stuffed animals she gets taken away, etc. I never take that blanket from her. And she knows that I won't! This one small concession on my part shows her that I may be angry at her behavior, but that I always love her and know what is important to her.

[janeliz]

I agree with Lucyjoy's comments - they all jive with what we are going through with our 5 year old who has been recently diagnosed with attachment disorder.

#1 is safety. That is really difficult with 3 little ones in the house. When you hold him tightly as he disobeys, explain how you want everyone in the house to be safe and when he hits and etc. it is not safe. If he cannot be safe, he will have to be in his room. And you will have to "babyproof" that room.

Most "normal" discipline simply will not work at this time if your child indeed is dealing with attachment stuff. This is particularly frustrating to me as my 5 year old is doing stuff now she has never gotten away with in her life, and I feel powerless to restrain it. I do see it as "temporary" and that when she is better or healed I will not allow some of those things anymore. I have completely given up on any physical discipline.

The most important thing is to not show anger. Save your emotions for after bed and that is probably the hardest thing! It is better to send him to his room sooner than blow up and yell and be set back a few steps in the security process.

Good luck - I feel for you! Jane

[sweetnoodle]

This is a must read book; The Explosive Child. I know you prob. don't have a lot of time, but if you can read that while you are waiting for a therapist appt. it might help.