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Originally Posted By carolyn mullins

i am currently fostering a female child that i have had since she was 16mes. i suspect that she has RAD-a therapist that worked with the family and the social worker also suspect this. i think she may be for adoption soon. she has been thru God knows what-severe neglect among other things. i am her 4th mother. i'm scared. i am 52yrs old and in not very good health. i do not have any children of my own. what would you advise? she seems to love me, but acts out very badly by abusing me and has a lot of rage, she is 30mes now.

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Originally Posted By Andrea

Hi Carolyn, A few questions to start, will she make eye contact with you, when you hold her. Will she let you hold her? When you hold her does she seem to have response ( or is she very still and not involved)?...I am no expert but I have adopted two children with some attachment problems. I play a game with them to help with eye contact...Hold the child like a baby and with your indext finger trace around each eye saying..(eye winker, tom tinker) then point to the nose saying ( nose smeller) then to the mouth ( mouth taster) the to the chin ( chin chiller) then tickle them under the neck rather quickly after saying the chin chiller part. We are in the process of adopting our son and he went from being with his bmom for 18months to one family for afew days and then an adoption superviser for a coulpe of weeks that then to us and it's been 4 months and he is doing well partly becuase of the game...I actually think it helped most, when he would do it back to me ( of course he wanted to go straight from the eyes to the tickling part) but the eye contact was made either way! He also came with some severe abusive tendencies and we have just tried to curb them, and let him feel the anger and get it out but not get a way with hitting or bitting or pinching. He would pinch me so hard at first if he didnt like something , I actually tried to ignore it and when he saw that it had no affect and I still loved him and took good care of him, it subsided. He would bite my daughter every day the first week we had him but as he learned that other skills would give him what he nedded then he abandoned the bitting for the most part. Kids this age a hot headed, and anything can set them off. Holding their hand ( softly, it takes time, but it's worked for us.) when they are angry, usually it's at bed time and We have had our nightly ritual of pj's, teeth brushing, story, songs, prayer, rocking with eye contact and singing. I put him down and he sometimes goes wild crying, screaming and hitting...and I just hold his hand and stroke his head and he seems to calm down. Sometimes it takes going in there a few times over about a half-hour periond but when he realizes that I am not going to pick him up then he falls asleep. The last few days that has not happened,I lay him down after our nightly rituals and he goes right to sleep! I get many hugs and kisses that I have never gotten before from him and he makes great eye contact, He still tries to hit when he doesnt like something but it has toned way down. He is 2 and this year is so hard for any chiold but one who has suffered such loss, I am hopeful that the attachment process will improve. Good luck and I hope that the little girl learns to trust again, I think that is what it's all about! god bless

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Originally Posted By Ansonhomestead

The advise that I would give is to read, read, read. Nancy Thomas has some good material out and so does Dan Hughes. They will paint a pretty good picture of what life will be like with a RAD kiddo.

There is a reality here that most people don't want to see. We are disrupting our adoption of our son because he was extremely abusive. He even tried to kill our daughter with a sharp rock. He's been in and out of psych hospitals for the last two years and still feels violent.

I love my son, but I'm not a residential treatment center or therapist. He needs more care than I can give. I only want to warn you of what MAY happen. We were never told, and have been horrified by the results.

Read some info on RAD then make a decision out of reason, not emotion. Don't think: Oh I can't let her go to another home. etc. Then adopt her when you are not ready/able. It takes a special kind of person to parent these kids. I can admit that I'm not one of them.

ansonhomestead