[steppingstones]

Hi...sorry this is so long...

My name is Margaret (Maggie of course!). My husband and I adopted a 17-year-old out of foster care about two-and-a-half years ago.

We prepared for the worst, adopting an older child. We were well-versed on attachment difficulties, but now we are at a loss. My son ACTS like a normal kid (he's 20 now). He has a job. His brothers ADORE him (my biological children, 14, 10, and 8) and he is so kind to them.

And so everyone just sort of figures we don't need help. His therapist is convinced that he is a normal kid in every way (and doesn't believe me when I tell her he was abused (I've seen the scars!).

My son broke his arm two weeks ago working cattle. We only took him to the hospital YESTERDAY because my husband saw that he wasn't using his arm. I questioned him about it, and when I tried to get him to go to the hospital, he screamed at me. I have NEVER heard this boy yell. When I threatened to call 911 he finally got in the car, but he was physically shaking for the whole trip.

He screams at night--badly enough that it wakes his brothers. I brought it up, hoping that he would seek help for his apparent nightmares (?), and he started sleeping in his car so "he wouldn't bother anyone!"

He won't eat at the table (he must hoard food in his room, though I've never found evidence of this). Gifts we buy for him go unopened. He STILL flinches every time somebody enters a room (or worse, if someone speaks loudly). Worst of all, he is TERRIFIED of my husband. His whole demeanor changes when Paul is around.

He is attached. We have a very open relationship except about these things. He tells me about everything, he works hard, he is an all-around over-achiever. But this is just not healthy. It's not NORMAL. I want my son to be happy, and I just can't believe that he is. Please help!

[Biblemom]

Sounds a lot like PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder). What does his therapist say about the night terrors and how he is easily startled?

[rottymom]

Originally Posted by Biblemom

Sounds a lot like PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder). What does his therapist say about the night terrors and how he is easily startled?

...I was just reading about PTSD....I think this is correct, fits the discription exactly. There are lots of information about this on the internet but definitely bring it to the therapist attention.

[Drywall]

Hi Maggie, I read your post.

I dont know what type of experiences your son has had but for those of us who experienced abuse growing up its not hard to identify with him.

Generally, there are 2 sides to his head.

Whatever the abuse was, he was held as a captive in it ( much as a child is dependent on parents) and it lasted for a long time. No matter what event occurred he was blamed.

His fear in terms of his broken arm is a good point. In the past, he may have been punished for circumstances beyond his control.

There is the background that he remembers that is a result of those experiences. They are kept hidden.

To some extent, he is able to control what effect they have on him. They are personal, deeply private, and very dark.

He is afraid to share those with anyone because he will be blamed again for what happened. And he relives the consequences. I suspect the violence was sudden and long lasting. Those experiences must have been devastating to his personal esteem.

In events that are overwhelming, he doesn't know how to handle them and he reacts violently because in the past that defense was all he had. There are very strong adult trust issues.

As a part of that dark side of his head, is an adult trust issue. He doesn't know how they will act and the consequences of their actions are uncertain. Those past events are always lurking in the background.

The good side of his head is the side that you see much of the time.

He is attempting to get over the dark past by being a good guy. Many parts of him beg to be accepted by way of his current daily activities. His hope is that by covering his dark side and perhaps by accomplishing those good deeds, he can be accepted and healing will occur. His ongoing hope is that by demonstrating that he is a good guy, he will be accepted and it may help to wash away the past. He is driven to try to be "good."

Somewhere in his head there is a dream. It may have many parts, but the main part will be a hope that somehow he can fit into family and become an equal with his friends and peers. If that happens, it may lead to healing, altho at this point healing is not something he knows how to accomplish.

As someone who has been there, this is only an attempt to share parts of what is happening in his head. There are many more pieces to the story for another time.

What I have attempted to share are only the hi parts of what must be for him, a complex daily existence.

A therapist may be able to help him recover from the grief, loss and despair, but it will take time.

I wish you the best.

[TherapeuticFamilies]

I agree it sounds like PTSD. One book you should read is called "Trauma Through a Child's Eyes" by Peter Levine. Very insightful and has activities to do. Also, EMDR was very helpful in dealing with my daughter's PTSD. Also, many of the children I work with have done EMDR. It would be helpful if you could find a therapist for him that does EMDR and CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy). This combination would change his life dramatically. You sound like a good, caring, dedicated parent!

Susan Ward
Older Child Adoption Support - Main Page

[marythemom]

I agree it definitely sounds like PTSD (or even complex PTSD). I would seriously look into EMDR. If your son has issues with it (pretty common reaction), you can tell him:
* many soldiers use this type of treatment for PTSD,
* it's VERY fast (single events like a rape, shooting or earth quake) can sometimes be taken care of with one or two sessions
* it can be very private. It's even possible to not speak about the events) at all while the therapist guides you through thinking about it
* it does not make you forget the event(s), what it does is stop your body from reacting physically (normally once triggered, it can be as though you are reliving the event - heart pounding, hands sweating, body shaking...). Once the emotional/physical reaction is stopped, you can process the event(s) without "re-living" it.

[EdyDedd]

Originally Posted by steppingstones

His therapist is convinced that he is a normal kid in every way (and doesn't believe me when I tell her he was abused

I would consider replacing your therapist. I stuck with a therapist for way longer than I should have, because my son had history with her. I was hesitant to start from scratch with someone new, but once I did, I wondered why I had waited so long.

If your therapist doesn't understand your son's needs, and worse...doesn't believe what you say, I would recommend shopping for a new one.

[alys1]

EddyDedd's advice is spot on. This:

His therapist is convinced that he is a normal kid in every way (and doesn't believe me when I tell her he was abused (I've seen the scars!).

That is ridiculous. That person has not the least understanding of trauma, or foster children, or adoption. If they think a child who had a past that caused them to be removed from the home (abuse/neglect/both), was in foster care, and attempted to integrate into your family at 17 -- is "normal" -- I have to say they fail to understand what "normal" is.

You need someone who understands these issues. There are excellent centers training therapists/counselors to deal with these issues in every quadrant of the USA. If you PM me, I'll suggest one in more or less your area.

[qs mom]

I would agree with PTSD and EMDR. My son was in an orphanage for 2 years, we have been family 8 years. He flinches if anyone makes a sudden movement anywhere near his face/head. He cowers, still. He made great progress with EMDR, but we lost that insurance coverage and cannot find an EMDR practioner that takes his currect insurance.