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  #1  
Old 09-14-2011, 10:28 PM
ajm4always ajm4always is offline
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Bio Mom wants to come visit?!? Help?

I am very new here, so I'll give you a little background. I brought home my 28 month old cousin exactly one week ago from out of state. Technically it's my husband's biological cousin. I petitioned the state for 3rd party custody, and mom agreed, to keep him out of the system. He was taken by CPS in July 2011 for neglect. He has autism, impacted by sensory processing, and I'm confident he has attachment disorder as well. He was also exposed to meth in utero, and I am confident mom is still using.

I asked my atty to add a line to our agreement that my husband's aunt (bio mom) cannot stay with us or live with us should she ever come to our state. She told me it was extremely uncustomary to add something like that as the court would never expect us to put ourselves out like that, reluctantly I agreed.

One week later, this evening, I get this text: "When is M's (my bio son) birthday and can I come too?"

There are 6 members of the family coming to town for my son's birthday next month, all of whom will be staying with us.

I didn't get to observe him interact with his bio mom when I went to bring him home. Shelter mom, social worker, and visit notes show he is very anxious and exhibits many more autistic symptoms when she is present. Her response to his symptoms is not comforting either.

It's only been a week and at first I was really scared, but we are making drastic progress every day. He is now putting his hands up to be picked up, and will give me eye contact and clap his hands or hit the highchair tray to communicate 'more' to me during snack, etc. He is exploring new foods and is tolerating many new textures.

I am afraid seeing her is going to make him regress? Is it going to ruin his attaching to our family? My mother's intuition is telling me to keep her far away.
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  #2  
Old 09-15-2011, 04:17 AM
FosteringMama FosteringMama is offline
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I would not allow her to come. I would not think that seeing her at this point would be beneficial at all to M.
I would explain that at this point, with the transition being so new and with the progress that M is making it would be best to not have her visit currently. You may hurt feelings but if there will not be any benefit to her being there for M I would not allow it at this point. Just my opinion.
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8/1/11- Application submitted, fingerprinted
8/8/11- Interview with agency
8/22/11- First home visit
9/13/11- Started PRIDE classes
9/19/11- Second home visit
10/12/11- Third home visit
11/21/11- Received license in mail
11/25/11- Waiting for that call
1/9/12- Received THE call!!! Baby girl was here 4 hours later!
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  #3  
Old 09-15-2011, 05:49 AM
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LoveMyGirl LoveMyGirl is offline
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That has to be a really tough situation for all of you. And I would probably start my response to bmom with something similar. He's in a new place and for her to come back into the picture right now may be detrimental to his progress. Should she be allowed to come back into the picture so quickly may cause him to regress in his behaviors, or worse, cause his recovery to cease.

She may have agreed to this thinking she could just waltz right back into his life as if CPS were never involved and/or there was never a reason for CPS to remove him.

What are your intentions with this child? Is he going to be adopted by you and your husband (most likely since this is an adoption forum), or, is the goal reunification. From prior posts, bmom's rights were not terminated and you are inquiring about SSI/DNA issues with the bfather. Is this a custody only situation?
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Bio daughter K born 8/86
Bio daughter S born 6/92
Bio son D born 7/00
Beautiful bonus daughter K born 1/03

03/05 - 7/05: CPS removes K from biomom.. Lots of drama happens
07/05: K comes to live with us
02/10: I file for adoption!
02/10: Bmom files against us for visitation and child support
02/10: I counter file for shared legal custody w/my exH
04/10: Shared custody of K w/the exH granted
11/10: Bmom fails to show up on time to her own case's hearing and the case is dismissed.
01/11: Remarried K's Daddy. Now pursuing step-parent adoption.
05/11: Submitted second Adoption Petition!!!
06/11: Bmom decides to fight consent after no contact for 6 years.
08/11: Bmom in jail, misses status hearing
09/11: Bmom in jail again, misses consent hearing and the judge rules we don't need her consent!
10/21/11: Appeal period for consent IS over
12/07/11: I'm the Mama!! We are all DONE!!
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  #4  
Old 09-15-2011, 06:51 AM
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wcurry66 wcurry66 is offline
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where she stays SHOULD have been in the OA. your lawyer clearly was not used to relative placements. its not about protecting your "rights" so much as defining clear boundaries so you don't have to continually face these annoyances

i would write up a formal list of your commitments, boundaries, and limitations.

I totally get how these questions can be annoying. I was griping like the best of them shortly after we finalized.

Looking back, there's no way she would have known what the limits are until she asked. My frustration was more at my discomfort in defining and enforcing our boundaries.

On a good note: once you clarify the rules, it gets much better

hang in there
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  #5  
Old 09-15-2011, 07:06 AM
ajm4always ajm4always is offline
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Thanks Ladies.

@LoveMyGirl: I'm not sure if you were able to read the post about paternity/SSI, but I was strictly asking for future financial reasons. His biofather is deceased and I wanted to prove paternity so he could get additional SSI. No one really advised us on what was best adoption or keeping the super strict 3rd party order we have in place.My goal was just getting him here to get his autism behavior services started as soon as possible. My husband and I are both in agreement that we are in this for the long haul. Mom just wouldn't give up her rights, and time was of the essence.The order says she has to do 6 mos of residential rehab plus 6 mos of random UAs to even get back to court to ask for UNsupervised visits. She is out of state, and broke, so I didn't think the visit thing was going to be an issue. I did ask our atty to put it in the order, but she said it's very uncustomary. Urgh I should have followed my instinct!!
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  #6  
Old 09-23-2011, 11:48 AM
alys1 alys1 is offline
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Yes, keep her far away, for a dozen practical reasons. Say whatever you need to say to prevent it. "Oh, gosh, it's so sweet of you to ask, how were you going to get here?" "Oh, it's so sweet of you to ask, but I feel it's a little bit soon. Please check back with me next month." (Next month you say exactly the same thing.)

"Oh, I'm so sorry, our house will be full then."

Remember, this person's life is likely chaos from morning to night, daily, and likely has been that way for years. If she's addicted, there's a constant swirl of different people, "friends" today, gone tomorrow. Constant swirl of different places to be. And not much rational connection between them. So you don't really don't have to make sense in the same way as you might when dealing with someone else. Often one *can* say No, and have the person just accept that, and then move on to something else, in a different way than if the person was clean/sober/ on track. (If that were true, you wouldn't have the child....) She lives in a different culture, than you do. She may not be able to remember what happened 3 days ago. Think of it as an early-onset dementia person.

(My ex-husband's ex-wife, mother of my stepson, was mentally ill. I learned through that shared-custody experience the "doesn't have to make sense" method of communicating. She had a very short attention span. In my experience, willing to threaten nasty things in the moment, but then would forget about them and not follow through. That no-follow-through was key. She would frighten the teachers and counselors with threats -- they didn't know they were hollow threats.)

On visitation you can also say, "Oh, where would you like to meet?" I would advise *never* having her to your home, if she does manage to get to town, so your home is *always* a bio-mom-trauma-free zone for this little person. You can also say, "Well, we have a free hour that day." If you stick to your guns, she will yield, I believe, easier than you fear at this time.

Last edited by alys1 : 09-23-2011 at 12:10 PM.
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  #7  
Old 09-24-2011, 02:11 PM
arubagirl arubagirl is offline
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i always put it on the judge or supervisor..... birthmom wanted to have extra visits ont eh side... i said I would be fine with it but had to check with the CW... Usually the CW said No and would let the birthmom know.
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  #8  
Old 09-24-2011, 02:24 PM
arubagirl arubagirl is offline
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i always put it on the judge or supervisor..... birthmom wanted to have extra visits ont eh side... i said I would be fine with it but had to check with the CW... Usually the CW said No and would let the birthmom know.
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  #9  
Old 09-24-2011, 08:23 PM
alys1 alys1 is offline
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arubagirl, that's a very smart approach! And for this poster, you could also ask a counselor, who'd be very likely to say "Not yet" or "No."

The point, in my opinion, is to keep the child safe, which means giving him respite from people who've been inappropriate or abusive with him.
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