[mom_to_4]

Hello,

I am new here and very excited to say that after 6 years of struggling with issues as a step-parent I feel like I have found a group of people with which I can actually relate.

My DSS was abused by his mother as a baby and young child. It was subtle things that his dad was unable to prove, but dss has clear memories of abuse and I have heard stories of her self-centered parenting style. Anyway, dss is now 11. I have been in his life since he was 5 (we have custody and his mother has minimal visitation) and I have tried everything I know to handle his behaviors and nothing works. He has been in therapy for a while, with no diagnosis. He was recently prescribed antidepressants, but things got so much worse. Now he can act out and not feel anxious about it, I guess. However, I just stumbled upon this disorder and everything seems to click now. It all make perfect sense to me. His eating habits, constant chatter/questions, work ethic, fits, triangulating his parents, sneaking, lying, lack of empathy, and destructive behavior is all explained by this disorder. We have an appointment with a doctor that specializes in attachment disorders, but in the meantime I desperately need advice on how to handle this child's behavior w/o further feeding his dysfunction. Can you recommend some good reading material? Is there certain therapy that works better than others in healing these children? Are there things that we need to ask or be aware of when dealing with the doctor? Any and all advice is greatly appreciated. We are in the guilt/scared/confused phase right now. The last thing we want to do is make things worse than they already are.

[CovenantCreek]

I'm glad you found us. Regardless of whether your stepson is ever formally diagnosed with an attachment disorder or not, your struggle is one we all identify with. When my daughter was first diagnosed with RAD the therapist we were working with asked me to read "When Love is Not Enough," by Nancy Thomas. I thought it was a great book, but I found it difficult to enforce the consequences. We recently changed therapists and the new one, who has decades of experience with attachment-challenged children, suggested "Parenting with Love and Logic" by Cline and Fay, and "Beyond Consequences" by Heather T. Forbes. I'm just getting started reading BC, but already (I've only read the notes and first chapter) it's making a difference in how I look at my daughter's behaviors. It focuses on the fact that hurt children look at life through the fear entrenched in their subconscious memories.

My sister read the book before sending it to me -- even though she definitely doesn't have an attachment disorder she told me that she found answers to some of the situations she has faced in her own relationships. Your stepson may not have an attachment disorder in the truest sense, but you can probably find answers and suggestions in how to help him overcome the traumas he has experienced. And of course, you'll always find supportive friends here who will listen without judgment.

[mom_to_4]

Thank you for the suggestions. From what I have read so far, I am not so sure I agree with Nancy Thomas' approach. I will definitly check out the other books though.

[CovenantCreek]

Originally Posted by mom_to_4

Thank you for the suggestions. From what I have read so far, I am not so sure I agree with Nancy Thomas' approach. I will definitly check out the other books though.

One thing to remember is that raising a child with attachment issues is counter-intuitive. Everything you think you know about raising a child has to be tossed out the door. This is especially true for mom--most kids with these difficulties blame mom and anyone who represents her, more than dad or other secondary caregivers. Mom is the one they were supposed to have the unshakable bond with from before they were born, therefore it is mom who is at fault for all the problems they face, regardless of the actual circumstances that interfered with that relationship.

"Beyond Consequences" focuses on the fear that drives the negative behaviors--and how to respond to the fear. Whereas "When Love is Not Enough" primarily deals with controlling the child's environment to reduce the frequency of the behaviors. I think another difference is that BC views the behaviors as coming from a subconscious motivation to save their life (fight/flight/freeze) rather than being the result of conscious choices the child makes. In one view, the child chooses to tell a lie because he wants to be difficult; in the other he lies because he's afraid that telling the truth will cause him to lose the love of someone he desperately needs to have love him, or the fear that he might get kicked out of the home if the truth is told.

In my house that scenario is often played out: I ask my daughter how something happened, she tells me the dog did it. I question her further, bluntly telling her that I know the dog didn't do it because he doesn't have hands/fingers/whatever and eventually she gets around to saying that she did it. In this case, not only is she probably afraid that she'll get kicked out of the house and I'll stop loving her, but also demonstrating her lack of perceptual awareness of the fact that the dog couldn't possibly have done what she's blaming on him and that I know the dog couldn't have done it. It's hard for me to comprehend that she isn't able to understand something that is so obvious to everyone else, but that's how undeveloped her brain is. Even though her brain doesn't have any physical damage, I'm told that an MRI would be able to show how little activity takes place in the front compared to "normal" brains.

Hopefully as I read the more into book (BC) my own emotions will turn the corner and go from mad to sad--and I'll be able to work with her from a heart broken by the experiences she had to endure rather than from a mind angry at what I have to endure.

[mom_to_4]

Originally Posted by CovenantCreek

Hopefully as I read the more into book (BC) my own emotions will turn the corner and go from mad to sad--and I'll be able to work with her from a heart broken by the experiences she had to endure rather than from a mind angry at what I have to endure.

Exactly! I have a really hard time not taking things personally because I am the one that is targeted 99.9% of the time. I have a lot of learning to do that's for sure

[myForeverkids3]

Originally Posted by mom_to_4

Exactly! I have a really hard time not taking things personally because I am the one that is targeted 99.9% of the time. I have a lot of learning to do that's for sure

Oh my goodness YES. That is where DH and I are right now too. I am ashamed at my lack of compassion towards my two big kids!!!!! I am going to be reading Beyond Consequences as well. I would much rather be sad for my kids than mad at them! MAD is getting us nowhere fast!

[alys1]

Try reading this article and see if it helps. It helped me more than I can say.
Lying and Teaching the Truth - Deborah Hage, MSW

There's much more on her site, read her history, too, to understand her journey.

[CovenantCreek]

Heather Forbes has some great articles posted as well on the Beyond Consequences web site. This one goes into details about what many adoptive moms go through, based on a study that she and others did. It's written for a peer-reviewed journal so the writing style is very academic--but a lot easier to read than most.

http://www.beyondconsequences.com/issues.pdf

[CovenantCreek]

Originally Posted by alys1

Try reading this article and see if it helps. It helped me more than I can say.
Lying and Teaching the Truth - Deborah Hage, MSW

There's much more on her site, read her history, too, to understand her journey.

I was only able to skim through the article but it seems to take the same approach as "When Love is Not Enough," which is now considered to be "old school" and not effective. The sample conversation that included the parent asking, "What do you think I believe?" is a dead giveaway. I tried that with my daughter and frankly wasn't convinced that she had any conscious motives for lying and it certainly didn't help her stop blaming the pets for things or making up stories about past events that didn't actually happen.

Now that I've been introduced to it, I prefer the line of thinking in Beyond Consequences that attributes lying (and all negative behaviors) to fear that resides in the subconscious brain and heightened in the mind of a traumatized child. Although the original theory was cutting edge when it was introduced, research into how the brain functions and how it develops have advanced attachment therapies beyond that point. Our therapist has been very adamant about getting me away from the consequences-based thinking.

[mom_to_4]

I appreciate all the information and advice. There is so much out there that it makes my head spin. I have implemented simply telling him that he made a choice to do A and that choice led to consequence B. It is working in the sense that I am not getting angry or asking questions that would just give the opportunity for him to lie but I am not sure it is a good long term solution. So, I look forward to soaking up all this information and getting into the psych tomorrow.

[alys1]

Originally Posted by CovenantCreek

Hopefully as I read the more into book (BC) my own emotions will turn the corner and go from mad to sad--and I'll be able to work with her from a heart broken by the experiences she had to endure rather than from a mind angry at what I have to endure.

I read this days ago, and it's stayed with me. What a beautiful way to say this. I'm cheering for, rooting for, you to cross that bridge. I am sure that you will, and that what awaits on the other side will be wonderful for you both.

In pondering, I realized that what was different for me going into this, is that I'd raised children already in a half-normal situation (step parenting, neglectful/abusive parenting at the "other house" of the kids). Because of that I a) knew what it was like to work to be bonded b) knew what it was like to listen to/work with kids who've been abused, and c) what it's like to have relatively normal relationships with children.

In coming in to be a FP, I *asked* for "children that are conning other parents into giving up on them". They were happy to supply me with that! (ha) But I *asked* for it. I didn't expect things to be easy at first. So in that sense, I endured hardships by choice. I think that made all the difference in the world.

[mom_to_4]

We went to the psychiatrist who is confident the he does not have RAD, which I agree with. It is just not that extreme. But I do think his behaviors are attachment related, but because it is not a RAD diagnosis they don't recognize his behaviors as stemming from attachment issues. So frustrating. I just don't now how to get his therapist to see that this is attachment related and deal with it as such. I just want help for our family and I feel like I am hitting a brick wall getting it.

DSS has an appointment this afternoon with his therapist and I need to be prepared when I go in there. I am at a loss as to how I should approach her. Any ideas?

[CovenantCreek]

Originally Posted by mom_to_4

We went to the psychiatrist who is confident the he does not have RAD, which I agree with. It is just not that extreme. But I do think his behaviors are attachment related, but because it is not a RAD diagnosis they don't recognize his behaviors as stemming from attachment issues. So frustrating. I just don't now how to get his therapist to see that this is attachment related and deal with it as such. I just want help for our family and I feel like I am hitting a brick wall getting it.

DSS has an appointment this afternoon with his therapist and I need to be prepared when I go in there. I am at a loss as to how I should approach her. Any ideas?

I can't say that I'm particularly surprised by the lack of diagnosis. RAD isn't the only attachment disorder, and since there is such a large percentage of psychiatrists, psychologists, and therapists who aren't even aware of RAD, I guess I'm wondering just how much experience this Dr. has with attachment issues and why it seems he didn't suggest some other possibility? I'm I reading more into this than I should? Or did the guy just say in effect "the boy doesn't have RAD, goodbye and good luck?"

Definitely keep reading the books written by people who understand attachment issues. It seems that maybe you'll be better off finding a LCSW to work with than a psychiatrist/psychologist. The social workers seem have more experience working with troubled kids, though the ones who work for state agencies don't seem to be as knowledgeable as the ones in private clinics (at least from what I've read on these message boards). Then again, it may just be the LCSWs who have their own adopted kids....

Lots to consider, but you definitely know your DSS better than anyone who meets him once or twice, or only in a clinical setting. Keep looking for someone who also sees the trauma the boy has lived with as reason enough to work with him as an attachment-challenged child.

[momraine]

You also have to remember that no two kids, not even two kids with the same diagnosis are identical and won't react to to the same thing the same way. My son does much better with clear consequences, he doesn't feel safe otherwise. When I tried more of the beyond style of parenting he got much worse. Other children benefit greatly. I use a combination of approaches now that trial and error have shown me work best for my son. For example, he has an eating disorder, he hates eating. So feeding him sweets does not work for him at all. He sees it as punishment. You have to get to know your kid and what works for you and your kid.

[mom_to_4]

Originally Posted by CovenantCreek

I can't say that I'm particularly surprised by the lack of diagnosis. RAD isn't the only attachment disorder, and since there is such a large percentage of psychiatrists, psychologists, and therapists who aren't even aware of RAD, I guess I'm wondering just how much experience this Dr. has with attachment issues and why it seems he didn't suggest some other possibility? I'm I reading more into this than I should? Or did the guy just say in effect "the boy doesn't have RAD, goodbye and good luck?"

You pretty much nailed it. What we are being told is that our son is not a 'textbook' anything. OK fine, but he is obviously not normal either and we need to figure out how to handle this. Throwing Prozac at him isn't going to fix anything. Our household has been compensating for DSS's behavior for too long and it is taking a toll on all of us. I am not giving up w/o a fight.

This should not be so hard.