[MenloAve]

We have adopted a 3.5 yo that has PTSD, tempertantrums/rages, some control issues, and is still in the early stages of attaching. We are seeing an attachment therapist just to keep an eye on attachment and her behavior issues. She rarely rages anymore - mostly just tempertantrums.

One set of grandparents are in town and they seem to be refusing to listen to us about how we are parenting. They also adopted an international special needs child years ago - as an infant. Her special needs were all around capacity vs. the list that our daughter has.

Our daughter hasn't been diagnosed with RAD and our attachment therapist so far thinks she is attaching to us - but feels it is too soon to tell where this will all go. We do follow many of the methods used for RAD parenting - or suggested in parenting the hurt child. MIL just won't do it and is just handing our daughter the ability to control everything that is going on.

They are now 2 hours delayed going to the store because they are insistent that she go poo in the potty before they leave. This child can hold it for the WHOLE day only letting out pee each time. I've said, please just put her in her "helper pants" (training pants) take her out and if she goes in her pants, bring her home when you are done and have her change herself. This takes away the control struggle and gives our daughter the choice. She just isn't ready for potty "training" and it makes everyone miserable. My suggestion was met with, well how is that going for you? It isn't working - she isn't potty trained. I've explained it isn't the goal - to no avail. They actually had her "promise" not to go in her pants and use the toilet. I guess I could have replied -"well how did that promise work for you."

I want to give them a book to read, that might help them understand that you have to approach these kids a little differently. I have parenting the hurt child, but I'm not sure they can get through the book. Nor am I sure they would read it. Has anyone written a book specifically for grandparents on how to be a grandparent to a hurt child?

I would like one that says, even though you want to help out don't pretend to be the parent, listen to how the parents want their child parented and follow their lead/rules, they are going to do things that are counterintuitive to you - go with the flow, a chapter on how to avoid control situations, the importance of consistency in rules - but potentially little consistency in consequences, and how to avoid triangulation. AND - maybe even one on how to encourage attachment with grandparents w/o getting in the way of attachment to the parents.

If there isn't a book like this - can one of you with experience write one? I need it ASAP.

I'm tired of being the bad guy to the grandparents that consistently says, no you can't do that, you can't do that, etc. They need some sort of guideline to help them out.

Thanks

[sunshinemomma]

Nancy Thomas has a website that has a letter for teachers etc - it may be good for grandparents.

Her book "When Love is Not Enough" also has a checklist for respite providers that can be given to grands

[mommytoEli]

i have no advice. i found that my kids grandparents took a LONG time to figure out for themselves the information i willingly gave them from the beginning. if they want to do it the hard way they can be my guest. lol. i will say i did and do limit the time they spend alone with the children that need the most "special care." as i do find that after being handled by grandparents it is harder for me to get them back on track once they are back home.

good luck. i know it is a battle!

[BeverlyZ]

To what extent do you think their words, behaviors, etc. set your daughter back or harm her in any way? I don't mean significant damage like emotional abuse, I mean something as simple as giving your daughter the opportunity to hone the control skills. If you think that your daughter is being hurt in some way by their actions, or even making your job harder, it's perfectly acceptable to limit their alone time with her.

We do not allow my parents to be alone with our son. We may change our minds when our son is older... we'll see. It hasn't become a conversation, yet, but I anticipate having to explain this choice one day.

You could show them this post if you want to avoid a confrontation face to face. And it just might motivate them to start researching things on their own.

[MenloAve]

Thanks - I think there is a market for someone who wants to write a book "Everything grandparents need to know about attaching after adoption." I don't have enough experience to write it - but I sure would buy it and send it to each set. One set listens - the other set - well thinks they can take over, show us how it is done, and then leave with us to put it all back together. We've had two bad days of testing after they left this time.

So it sets her back, but maybe it also helps her see - who is staying. After they left, I was rocking her to sleep and she was saying, "mama here, daddy here, 'ds' here, I here.... grandma and papa bye bye. Here home. I home."

This trip I attempted to limit the "out of house" time without us. If they were going out it had to be somewhere where she was used to going in her routine. Random trips weren't really supposed to happen. All rules are made to be broken I guess, but we stuck by that pretty well.

It is so hard because we have tried to encourage such a close relationship with our first son, so I'm sure it appears like we don't trust them, even when I say, "the psychologist says, xyz." --Finally at the end of the week grandma looked at me and said, maybe there is a psychological reason for this." I said, "yes, that is what I have been telling you since you got here. Here is what the experts say...." But I think nothing after 'experts' made it in.

oh well - thanks for your input.

[LadyBugz]

There's "Adoption Is a Family Affair!: What Relatives and Friends Must Know" by Patricia Irwin Johnston. It isn't specifically for children with attachment issues and isn't exhaustive, but it is probably the closest I know of that's along the lines of what you're wanting. It does address older and post-institutional children, supporting and not undermining the parents, and more. It even has a section on them being adoptive parents themselves. You can easily see the table of contents and some of the reviews and pages online if you search.

[ScrapMonkey]

It's nice to have their support but it is not necessary in order for you to parent your child. They can still be grandparents. They can love your child, even if they don't see the same child you see. That's part of the disorder. If the behaviors are mild, they can even provide respite when you need a break. Appreciate them being nearby for THAT ALONE if nothing else. But honestly... you do not need their understanding to parent your child. You are the parent. I guess you WOULD need them on board somewhat to avoid triangulation, but even then... you are the parent. The end.

[MenloAve]

Yuck - I feel for you. I have no answers since I'm the one who asked the question - but I am going online to get that book. I'll read it and then send it along - maybe with a nice letter about wanting to ensure both children have a strong bond with them - AS well as us.

For me it is less that they see a cute kid - because she really is a cute kid - I can see that. It is more the undermining, refusal to follow the rules we have set forward. Literally, since Halloween our dd has been horrible. Her biting was gone completely and it came back right after they left. AND I can tell she knows that they give into everything she wants.

I was told that maybe they can't handle the result of following our rules - they know that and so do what they can to avoid the situation. I believe there is merit to this - so I have to figure out a way to help them through this. But it is hard to get across that there are other ways to be supportive other than trying to take over the role of mom while you are visiting - thereby supposbly giving me the break - that she thinks I need.

It's super annoying to have someone try to show you up by cooking three -four meals for one dinner and then SHOW you that one child will eat mac & cheese with no issues while the other one eats meat and potatoes with no issues. YES - we know if you cook their favorite meal each night for each of them they will eat it with no issues - BUT I'm not a short order cook and it's not good for them, and I won't do it. So why gloat in the parents face when "this" plan works???? Why set up the expectations so that when they leave I have a child that refuses to eat anything.

Sooo - I'm off to order that book before Christmas. Maybe I'll get dd to paint a painting for them and then combine it with this book for their present. If I give one to the other set of grandparents maybe it can't be seen as too bad.