[Shelly77]

I have crossposted this from the Foster Care Adoption forum.

Princess (our 9 year old soon-to-be daughter) seems to be having difficulty with the adoption.

Princess has been in foster care for some time and TPR has occurred. We are doing pre-placement visits with the intent to move her into our home as an adoptive placement when she's ready.

Tonight when we talked with her, she seemed a little reluctant to talk. She was polite and nice but didn't act too interested in much conversation. When we talked to her foster mom, it seems that this really came up last night.

Last night, she had a therapy session. Foster mom thinks that Princess is having a difficult time because she knows that once she moves to an adoptive placement, there is no hope of ever going back to Mom. Even though TPR has occurred well in the past, Princess had hope while she was in foster care that Mom could change and come back.

During visits up until now and after visits when she was with her foster mom, Princess seemed happy about being adopted and excited about the new home. But she doesn't want to give up her mom.

Does anyone have advice on what we can do to help her through this? We want to move at her speed, but we aren't sure if being in our home vs the foster home will help her transition to being ready for adoption or not --- Any thoughts?

I want to help Princess but I'm at a loss for how. Any help is greatly appreciated.

[crick]

This is really a job for the foster mom, therapist and the caseworker. They need to make her understand that mom is not coming back no matter where she is. It's definitely a grief process she has to go through and come to terms with and your role will be to allow that grief.

However, she likely will have an even more difficult time bonding with you and seeing you as her mom if you are the one that really works with her on getting her to understand the finality of TPR and that she can't go back to mom. You'll be the bad guy, kwim? She'll see you as the reason why she can't go back to mom. So that's why I firmly believe it's the professional's jobs to be that bad guy and start this process now, getting her to understand it all.

You can reassure her that it's okay to miss her mom, okay to still love her and okay to wish she could be with her. Give her permission to voice those feelings no matter how hard it might be for you to hear or reassure. Bonding and attachment happen while we "do"...kwim?

Hope that helps some.

[Shelly77]

Foster mom and professional have been working with her for the past 6 months on this particular issue. I do understand the reasons that it makes sense for the foster mom and therapist to "be the bad guy."

I do like your idea of just telling her when I talk with her that it's okay to miss mom and love her. I will try to reinforce those things. I just want to help.

[mommytoEli]

i'm not sure. our dd moved in at 9, and did NOT want to be adopted. she was also holding out to going back to a family that was either unwilling or unable to care for her. we went to countless therapy sessions, her workers and casa spoke with her and tried to get her to understand. one worker even wrote her a letter explaining why she needed to be adopted. i liked that she put it in writing because no matter how much time passes, she will have a clear accounting of why she needed to be adopted..... but just yesterday, after 6 and half years of living here, we discovered she has plastered pictures of those who abused and abandonned her all over her locker. she wants to be with them, still. she does not want to be here, still.

my best piece of advice is actually for you. fight and fight and fight...try and try and try....but at the end of the day, please go into it acknowledging that these feelings of hers...may never go away.

[momraine]

Even my son who knew his mother had passed away and his father left him at birth had fantasy's that his father would come find him and marry his favorite nun and they would take him to live with them. He did not want to be adopted because that made the fantasy impossible.

[Fatcat]

Is long term guardianship an option? Or adopting her without changing her name? Any way you can approach this which would feel more comfortable to her? I would think that she's probably going to want to seek out her birth mom at the age of 18 no matter what you do, so you might just want to work towards that as a plan?

[Fatcat]

The site won't let me edit that post and I accidentally posted it before I was done. Every time I click on "edit" I get an advertisement pop up which is very annoying.

I meant to say that you could tell her that you are going to be her mom during her growing up years and then when she is older, she can seek out/reunite with her birth mom, then do everything you can to prepare her for this eventuality.

[Shelly77]

Thanks for the ideas and thoughts everyone.