[anilorak13ska]

We've inquired about a little boy who just turned 4 in May. He has been diagnosed with Adjustment Disorder w/ disturbance of emotions and conduct (rule out PTSD). Bmom has history of bipolar disorder. Both bio sides have history of substance abuse, though it is not mentioned whether or not he was born w/ a positive drug screen.

In his young life, he's witnessed domestic violence between his bio parents, apparently for the first 3+ years of his life. He came into foster care rather recently (some 7 months ago), and TPR was granted within 2 months of being removed from bio home.

The description of his behavior sounds quite chaotic - from temper tantrums to vandalism to injury to self. But I'm thinking this poor guy hasn't been away from his difficult beginnings very long.

Our gut tells us to go forward and be prepared to have in place various resources, including therapy and attachment parenting, in place. However, we do not have experience with a child of this sort of behavior (actually, we have not parented at all yet), so we don't know what we can reasonably expect with little D as time goes on.

We are prepared to give him a lot of time and attention (I can stay home with him, we plan to homeschool as well), take him to any and all therapy and other support meetings/apts/etc. needed, prep our home for his behavior, and keep in mind his outbursts whenever we go in public.

But I don't want to be naive in thinking that with enough love and time, he will get better... will he?

I've been looking up AD online, and first thing Monday will contact our pediatrician as well. But I also want to hear any first-hand experiences and suggestions. (I have read through some of the similar posts regarding AD, though I didn't see the idea of long-term prognosis addressed, and that's my #1 concern at this time.)

THANK YOU for any and all insights!
Karolina

[kretzklan]

I'm not sure if there is a difference between adjustment disorder and attachment disorder? But, we live with two kiddos that are attachment disordered and it's hard. Really hard and we have parented a child before this. You can't take anything that people say "oh, that's normal kid" -or "that's just a phase". Most of these children are master manipulators. I'm NOT saying to not move forward...but be prepared for a total life change. He'll need line of sight supervision for quite a while. We have a self harmer and it can take many forms...but we've had to strip her room quite a few times to keep things away from her that can hurt her. She can always find something else...it's not like they are using butcher knifes. Mostly she hurts herself with her own hands...and that is hard to explain. She can use the hurts as a way to report on me and has done that many times. It's great that you can stay home with him - he'll need major cocooning for a long time and to be honest, that is hard. When a child is pushing you away...it's hard to want to get closer and closer to him.
Can they be healed? Yes. Can it be completely? That I don't know. I know people that have children that have healed from attachment disorder - but those scars run deep and can affect their life much later down the line. If he doesn't heal completely, can he live a 'normal' life? Yes - it will look that way to the outside world but probably won't feel that way to you!
I always almost hate to answer these posts - because I feel like my words will be taken as a reason to not adopt or foster (not that I'm that powerful) BUT, I was not made aware of what this means to a family. I did not have anyone tell me that our lives would probably never be the same as before. We have normal days now - but they are not the same normal that we had before. I don't think we'll ever get back there.
BTW, please post this on the special needs forum - LOTS more traffic and brilliant people that have been at this for a lot longer than me!

[anilorak13ska]

Thanks for your input. I have reposted per your suggestion. When you say healing may take "a while", are we talking 6 months to a year? Several years? I mean, when could I expect to start seeing some improvement?

Also, I wonder if having pets in the house would in any way either make it better or worse for him?

Thanks again!

[kretzklan]

There just isn't a time frame that you can rely on. My kids have been home almost 4 years and we aren't there yet...we've moved forward, but not healed. There are still days that I feel like we are back at day one. Admitedly, I did not attachment parent from the beginning...but I caught on about 18 months in for real. I would say that most people say it takes them as long to heal as they were in neglectful/abusive homes. However, as you'll probably see on the SN forum...there are folks there with adult children who aren't healed - after years of hard work.
As for pets - it's hit and miss. Since you will be doing line of sight (I'm guessing), it would be ok, because you'll witness how he does with them. But, there is a chance that they will not be safe with him. There is a book I love that tells so much about RAD in a story type form...while still giving ideas on how to deal with it. It's called Dandelion on my pillow, Butcher knife beneath by Nancy Thomas. Check it out!

[hrisme]

Originally Posted by anilorak13ska

Thanks for your input. I have reposted per your suggestion. When you say healing may take "a while", are we talking 6 months to a year? Several years? I mean, when could I expect to start seeing some improvement?

Also, I wonder if having pets in the house would in any way either make it better or worse for him?

Thanks again!

The question to ask is can you handle it, and stick in there with him, if he doesn't heal? You can still make a difference in his life, but there is no guarentee that he will improve despite all of the efforts you are willing to put in. Will you be okay if this is the case?
Having no other children is a benefit, and honestly I don't think prior parenting experience automatically qualifies someone to parent a special needs child, if you've spent time with kids & know you have the patience it takes I think that qualifies you just as much (but maybe I'm just trying to convince myself, since I'm in that boat).

Self injury at four is scary, though I suppose it could be "mild" issues (I've had four year olds who "accidently" skin their knees on a regular basis, is that SI???). A diagnosis of conduct disorder at such a young age is also a concern. I'd personally prepare yourself for the worst case scenario. It sounds like you have educated yourself, you have the time, and probably the resources, if you think you're up to it you

[ajjhmf]

My son was 4 when placed and lived in the same, neglectful foster home for 4 years. He was abused while he was there as well.

It took us about a year to clue in to the attachment disorder althoiugh we started attachment parenting from the beginning. I'd say we started seeing real progress by age 6 and now at age 10, attachment isn't really something we worry about. He still carries some of those learned behaviors from it, but the motivation is different so the outcome is not bad. We're dealing more with otehr stuff now.

Hope this helps.

[myForeverkids3]

I would suggest spending A LOT of time with this child before agreeing to the placement. And by that I mean visiting at the agency and then working your way to having him come stay the night and then the weekend. I know some would say this is confusing for the child, but it isn't if you handle it the right way. No one tells the child that you are deciding whether to adopt him or not, they just say you wanted to spend some time with him (like you are babysitting for his current foster family or something) You can't know what life will be like after he is in your home 24/7 but you can get a glimpse of what his behaviors are like after he's gotten to know you a little. You will also get an idea of whether he shows any signs of being able to attatch to you or not.

[kretzklan]

Visits are a fine idea - but understand that RAD kids show a LOT of attachment very quickly in most cases. False/insecure attachment - they know what adults want from them...love, giggles, cuddles and then once they feel they have the power by doing this, it all breaks down. So, visits will not show the true child.

[Bamamom07]

I just want to add that 4 year old boys are not normally that great with pets and require close watching around them. They often squeeze them really hard for hugs, pull tails just because, and can be totally random and unpredictable. And that's 4 yr old boys who've been shown nothing but love living in their birth families. My older preadoptive kids have done fantastic and benefitted greatly I think from getting sweet loving puppies to take care of, and the puppies are spoiled absolutely rotten. However, my little guy has taught the puppies that children can aggravate and annoy as well. An angry 4 yr old boy could do a lot of harm to a puppy. Don't get a new pet for a while until he is older and you know the animal will be safe.

[myForeverkids3]

Originally Posted by kretzklan

Visits are a fine idea - but understand that RAD kids show a LOT of attachment very quickly in most cases. False/insecure attachment - they know what adults want from them...love, giggles, cuddles and then once they feel they have the power by doing this, it all breaks down. So, visits will not show the true child.

No, as I already stated, "you cannot know what the child will be like once they are with you 24/7."

BUT, our kids attatchment issues were evident to me the very first time we met them. They only have mild behavior and attatchment problems, but it was still obvious to me at that first visit that they were overly clingy to their grandparents and not in a cuddly kind of way but in a rough, aggressive kind of way. They also showed affection on their own terms. I don't have a whole lot of knowledge about attatchment or adjustment disorder, but I guess I would say I DO know what healthy attatchment looks like and my kids did not display that. So at least we brought them home knowing a little bit of what to expect and what their personalities are. My husband and I talked about what we saw at visits and that helped determine how we would parent these kids. We also weren't caught off guard. THAT"S what I meant. Not that you could know all of their behaviors and issues by visiting. It's a whole new ball game about 6 months in!

[kretzklan]

I was agreeing with you...yes, visits can show you signs or, as in your case...you can see what 'isn't' there. I was simply meaning ot say that it can really seem like this is a healthy, loving child during visits. Heck, my kids had me fooled for almost a year and then I stood in the dark not admitting what was going on for another 6 months and they have major attachment issues. It wasn't like a switch one day - but a slow transgression to them realizing that I wasn't going away and therefore they could create tension by being unloving toward me...

[myForeverkids3]

a slow transgression to them realizing that I wasn't going away and therefore they could create tension by being unloving toward me...
kretzklan,
I am really hoping I don't find myself in your situation. It seems as though things are going well with our kids. But, I have been noticing our son being very rough when he is affectionate towards me (but that is how their bfamily is). Well, I am getting off topic now. I would just say, we have been where you are with 2 of our previous foster children. It is very hard to keep giving your heart to a child that keeps stomping on it. Don't give up and surround yourself with support.
BTW I love your quote, it encourages me every time I read it.