[slightx]

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My wife just left with our 10 year old adopted son who's in an outpatient day program an hour away -- she's staying with relatives close by while I'm on FMLA taking care of our other kids. We're at the end of our rope.

Our son is bipolar with attachment disorder, pervasive development disorder and PTSD from being a shaken baby (his twin sister didn't survive). We've had him since he was 3 months old and handled all his issues ourselves since they surfaced when he was a toddler. The RTC stays have been the most traumatic, but we'd welcome the chance to get him back in one just because he has been successful there. Problem is insurance and Medicaid won't cover them, so we've been going through an acute care and outpatient revolving door, and all the therapy/psych sessions that accompany them.

If we hadn't seen what he can become when all the planets allign, we'd probably have given up by now. There's only so much physical and emotional abuse you can take. We've talked about the 'what if' he can't be stabilized and are prepared to make the decision to do what's best to protect the rest of the family, but not until we've exhausted everything.

The irony is, our bipolar son isn't what's led me to reach out to this forum. It's two of the three younger siblings we adopted nearly three years ago as a group. Yes, we got hosed by CPS like a lot of adoptive parents. We were fostering the youngest girl, who was placed at 4 months of age, and expressed an interest in adopting her. We got the package deal with a fast-tracked placement and no history to speak of. We expressed our concerns about behaviors and doubts about the placement but were told the bonds would come with time and love. Yeah, right!

Now we have two RAD kids who steal, lie, destroy things and pass along their bad character traits to the other children in the home. They don't get it and don't want to get it. It amazes me to see this otherwise docile little boy sit in ambush behind a corner or door and try to hurt his sisters and then lie straight faced, tears pouring down his cheeks in denial, and then smile and smirk as he walks off with restrictions. The kid could pull a 3-5 stint in prison wihtout blinking an eye. They play the victim role so well, the system would never believe us.

Yet, we've seen the damage they're causing and have to do something to preserve what's left of our family. I don't see them as the enemy, just the catalyst. Do I have to wait until they become teens and enter the criminal justice system or perpetrate on siblings? I've been a father for 25 years, raised my three biological sons and countless foster kids with serious issues and it's a gut feeling I have. Hard to explain, but I just know.

We want to dissolve the adoption with the two. Maybe if they were in a home where they could receive all the attention, with no other siblings having serious issues, they could turn out okay? What can we do?

[TxMom65]

I have no answers for you, just my prayers. I can't imagine how difficult this is for you.

[Drywall]

Slightx...your irritation and frustration is understandable. There are no easy answers. I was an adoptee sold into adoption and used to satisfy the requirements of well to do parents. There was much abuse.

As a result, it's easy to revue the wreckage in the head of your 10 year old. He has been through a lot.

He has learned survival techniques without having to make investments in any type of ongoing relationship or commitment. His fund of knowledge in terms of survival, has been learned through abuse. He has built a protective wall. It keeps him in and anyone wanting to invade his space, out. Some never get in.

He places all adults in the same category. They are not to be trusted and the situation in which he finds himself, he regards as temporary. He believes soon he will move on...why not get as much as he can now before he is moved.

There is a requirement that he always be in control. I understand him so well. That is not to say I condone his behavior.

If you become seriously concerned in regards to safety within the family etc. I would seek out an attorney to determine what legal pathways are available.

There is no reason to destroy the family over a group of circumstance you cant bring to order.

I wish you the best.

[wordsmither]

you might want to consider posting this question in the Special Needs Adoption forum as well - you'll get lots of helpful feedback from those readers.

[myForeverkids3]

As far as your 10 year old goes:

I don't know what state you live in but some states have grants for residential and in home services. My sister in IL got one for her son and it pays for everything. "People" told her for years that the grant was really hard to get and most people were denied. She applied and was approved almost immeadiatley. Her home is now peaceful and the other 3 children are safe. It is hard for her to have him 6 hours away but she has no other choice. It is best for him right now.

Don't stop reaching for help. When "professionals" blow you off, find a parent who has been there and follow their lead. Look for special needs support groups etc.

[VeryBlessedMother]

I can only say that I was told that God can only give you more than you can bear. It is difficult and stressful to all that are in contact with the RAD symptoms and the many misunderstandings. I have demon with a Angel for a face that I love more than my own life but I am afraid that I wont live through the constant torment and pain. I have said all this to say that it seems that we all are dealing with the same demons but together we can help get the right treatment for our children. Learn to do more Blogging and put out the cries for the help that is needed.

[VeryBlessedMother]

I am on that same book and I have yet to find the correct methods to really solve the problems of child with RAD. I am doing all I can do as a mother to my stepchild that I love as if I gave birth. When you find yourself at wit's end and you are fighting for everyones life.Then maybe it is time to run for the hills or stand and fight a GOOD Fight. As for me I am fighting to the death and I am not sure whom will die first. My child has been in my life for six years and I have always fought for this child but I am so stressed out that I am losing my health. I feel that I am unable to continue with all the unskilled professionals and the world full of the worst advice. I love my child and I know that I can not let him destory the love for him nor destroy our family. So I hope this helps comes fast as possible because this will destroy the famiy structure and I keep the cross ever so high.