[katy41]

permanently fostering 3, 2 with behaviour problems which need special school,12 yr old has tier 3 involvment with camhs but 8 yr old is much more dificult,currently doing a healing the hurt child course and meant to be learning theraputic parenting,but am finding it really hard going as ive been a parent for 20 yrs and find i react instinctively to challenging behaviour.when ive used it ,i can see it works,but most of the time ive already reacted as i would to my birth children and its too late.concerned that i'm being inconsistant.
also,the children have been with me for 4+ yrs and last month for my birthday, my 15yr old tried 5 x to get them to make me a card or draw me a picture but they just wanted to play on thier ds's.when they are doing what they want and getting the attention they crave,they are the nicest children you could meet,but will they ever be able to put someone else 1st?

[kretzklan]

It's fully possible that they will. My two youngest have attachment disorder, both at different ends of hte spectrum. Our wonderful therapist gives me lots of ideas and points out that if there are some I'm not totally comfortable with - to not use them. If you can't be consistent - it won't work. I've struggled, but it's worth it - you are right - the difference in the kids is amazing. One thing is to strictly limit their plug in time - with DS or TV or videos or whatever. That is a HUGE way for an AD kid to check out and not be involved...and it's not ok. AND - it's ok to parent different children differently...I hear often that it's not 'fair' that DS1 gets something DS2 doesn't or that DS2 (further along in healing) gets something DD doesn't and I simply say "I parent you where you are at, when you decide to act more responsible, respectful and fun, then how I parent you will change along with that"
I must say that yesterday was our best day ever and I have to contribute it to the fact that I have not slipped once in about 2 weeks! I also use walking away liberally. I make eye contact and say "this isn't fun for me and I'm going to go somewhere and have fun without you. You strong sit and I'll be back after I've had some fun"...then I go take a shower, or walk around my block (as long as there is someone I can leave in charge) or watch a TV program or whatever. But, if they choose to make me sad, mad, frustrated and it's really them (not me expecting too much) - then I can leave!

[millie58]

I also limit use of TV and video games. And not 1, not 2, not 3, but all 4 have lost a gameboy/DSS/PSP. I give them 1-2 hours on play station and a couple of hours on TV. but no Tv's in bedroom and they don't stay in their bedroom. they have to interact with family.
and they have to get along when watching TV.

Kretzklan: I love that "this isn't fun for me". I will try that!!

[katy41]

thanks millie58 and kretzklan,it's good to get advice from someone who knows what its like(the childrens social worker's 22and doesnt under stand that i find it hard.....but she can only manage them one at a timefor up to 10 mins).

[sarasketch]

Hello! I found your post very interesting as an adult adoptee who has felt the need to paint and draw since I was little. I was curious if you could write a little more about therapeutic painting?
I am currently pursuing my masters degree in art therapy, and so have a strong interest in this topic since it's been so relevant in my life and in the lives of my clients!

[jeffw]

For me it is easier to change how I parent if I better understand why they react the way they do. The therapeutic parenting techniques are very hard to implement without understanding why they work and why they are needed. It has been a big help to me to do a lot of reading on trauma and its effect on children--how they deal with it and how it changes their development and ways of seeing the world. A better understanding makes it not feel so forced. A few books that I think are helpful:

The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog
Parenting from the Inside Out
The Primal Wound
Attachment Focused Parenting