[screaminrieman]

Hey, I am a single adoptive dad of a now 11 year old little man. I adopted him when he was just turning 4 and while the story of why I adopted may be long, I won't bore you with the details. Well, almost 8 years have gone by and I have found the love of my life. A woman who loves me for being me and for how big of a heart I have/had for adopting my son. All along he has asked me when I'm going to get him a mommy, and as shy as I am, I told him someday God will bless us with someone. Well, now that the time has come, he don't want a mommy and is afraid that I will forget him and wont have anything to do with him. He is acting babyish by crying, having tantrums, among others but I do know that he loves M. with all of his heart. She loves him and we have talked that this is going to be a long process in which he feels good about it all. I do have a therapy session scheduled for June 1st (my birthday) but am afraid he will start to ruin our relationship. I constatly remind him that he is loved and won't ever be forgotten or abandoned. Not sure what else I can do. Any suggestions ?

[millie58]

Not in your shoes (yet) but I think if you continue to reasure him, he'll come around. He's probably afraid of being "displaced"..... Congrats!!

[crick]

Congratulations on your engagement!

I think therapy will be good and of course you reassure him. Has he ever spent time with your fiancee alone? Maybe there's a special activity the two of them can do on their own that will help them bond. Swimming lessons, art class, or even just something in the home like cooking a meal once a week together. I'd also suggest that you and he start or continue an activity with just the two of you and make it a visible plan for him. On the calendar, choose 2 days a month or once a week or whatever it is where it's dad & son time. This might help him realize he's not losing you and will still have special time with you.

I think it's important too that you and your wife to be stay strong and not allow him to triangulate you. Make it clear to your son that you are not getting rid of her just because he throws tantrums etc. He can't be allowed to control that aspect, and that's why a therapist is a good idea too. To help you all support each other.

[MamaS]

I was in your place - single, with 2 daughters adopted as toddlers. I always got "We wish we had a Daddy." When the oldest was 12, I started just dating. If I dated anyone a second time it was "We don't like him. We don't want him for a father." I gave up and stopped dating.
They are now grown and I am still single and beyond dating age. Now they say "We worry about you being alone. We wish you had found somebody." They have NO MEMORY of the fits they pitched.
If this woman is good for you, DO IT. Your "little man" will be a "grown man" in eight years and you will have the rest of your life -- alone, or with a lifetime companion?

[Emster]

however, I have to ask, is your son someone who is used to having you all to himself and is a little worried about displacement, or is he someone who has true ATTACHMENT ISSUES? Seems like the approach will be different depending on this. If he has true attachment issues, you may be dealing with true sabotage of your relationship at all costs. Hoepfully your counselor has experience with this and can best guide you through. The last thing you want to do is ahve to decide which person you will choose in your life. Slow and steady, and perhaps not using the word "mommy" willd efinitely be a start!

[screaminrieman]

Originally Posted by Emster

however, I have to ask, is your son someone who is used to having you all to himself and is a little worried about displacement, or is he someone who has true ATTACHMENT ISSUES? Seems like the approach will be different depending on this. If he has true attachment issues, you may be dealing with true sabotage of your relationship at all costs. Hoepfully your counselor has experience with this and can best guide you through. The last thing you want to do is ahve to decide which person you will choose in your life. Slow and steady, and perhaps not using the word "mommy" willd efinitely be a start!

Yes, he is very used to having me all to himself. In fact, it'll be officially 7 years this Saturday the 25th. He don't like my mom, who is older and uses a walker or wheelchair to get along. I have been helping her since my dad died in 98 and he feels that she is takiing me away from him. Has always felt that way. The thing that strikes me odd is that Noah has always asked for a mommy. I can't count the times that I have reassured him that I won't abandon him. I told him that I fought long and hard to get him, I wouldn't give him up if my life depended on it. It don't do anything for him. The councelling sessions don't start till June but I'm not sure I can make it till then. It's killing me !!!

[sundara]

Sounds more like attachment issues based on the above (that he resents your Mom and now your fiance).

I hope you have a counselor/therapist who is familiar with adoption & attachment related issues - its important if you do not to get him one as soon as possible.

I agree with above posters that you are likely to experience attempts by him to split you & your fiance.

Also, its good to do this (regardless of the impending marriage) for the sake of your mom who may be vulnerable if he escalates to rage at any point. (I'm not saying he will do that, but the expressions of resentment indicate that it has the possibility of occurring as he gets older).

Also, it may be possible that he suffered some type of abuse/trauma/abandonment from a female caregiver in his past? If so, he could intellectually want a mommy, but be currently unable to handle the reality of having one, resulting in the verbalization of the desire but the backtracking once it appears to be happening. Another strong indicator that he needs counseling.

[screaminrieman]

Sundra, his mom did give him up when he was 2 and had her last visitation with him when he had just turned 3. I got him thru foster care at the age of 4 so the events happened quick. I have had a co-worker talk to me about the possibility of his being Bi-polar as well. I was able to find another therapist who specializes in mental illness and have an appt next Thursday. Keep me in your prayers as he was asked to leave school today after a burst of rage. I just hope he can finish out the school year and not get held back or has to go to summer school. I was so distraught today, I was in tears. My girlfriend is behind me 100% but I have to wonder if she has mixed emotions she's not displaying at this time. Thanks for the words of wisdom and I'll let you know what happens as soon as I do.

[Bamamom07]

I married my husband when my sons were 12. It's a really rough age to enter marriage-- they were just starting puberty, and even though they were cool with getting a father who they thought was a pretty nice guy, they did end up giving us a run for our money. It's pretty much a God thing we didn't divorce. I think it may be harder for sons of women to accept a new dad than for sons of dads to accept new moms though. When my husband started disciplining them and acting like dads do, they decided they didn't need one. The new son I got in the marriage warmed up to me really well; he was very quickly all about having a mom. Your son may very well warm up to your fiance, but I'd do as you are, with counseling, and also gradually have her spend more and more time with him. If she's a warm loving person with him, he may find he loves having a snuggly mommy. My (stepson) old as he was, would get in my lap all the time, cling to me when I had to leave, even want me to hold him (at age 9). My adoptive son, age 12 but little for age, loves to jump into my arms and have me hug and kiss him. Even though he's such a tough guy and been through so much. Trusting her will take time, but you're looking at a lifetime thing. Best wishes.

[VeryBlessedMother]

I am sorry to hear that you child has a attachment disorder and it sounds like it could be RAD( Reactive Attachment Disorder) which means things will get terribly worse once you marry. I know because my child has RAD and all he does is cause problems with in my marriage. The symptoms for RAD are very severe and you should research the web. Here is one that explains the behavior symptoms clearly. RadKid.Org: Sighs and Symptoms for more information. Keep being strong and fight for all those that you love.