[worriedparent]

I love my 25 year old son, whom we adopted just before his fourth birthday, so very much, but I'm running out of options to deal with his behaviors. We knew he was somewhat limited before we adopted him: didn't speak more than a couple understandable words, IQ was "around 88-90" -- to the extent you can test a mostly non-verbal 4 year old -- with some early evidence of learning disability. But he learned to speak well and very quickly with speech therapy.
He was a cheerful, relatively sociable child for a couple years, but as school started, problems emerged...he was so much less mature than kids his age, and unable to follow many directions. We let him repeat Kindergarten, and that seemed to help, as the younger children were more "his age" behaviorally. He enjoyed the social aspects of school, but never formed real friendships...he was the child often not invited places, or not invited back. Kids are tough: aside from play situations, or athletic teams, he just didn't fit in, or couldn't quite keep up with conversations, didn't grasp social cues, etc. He did adapt, with many cues and hints, and was always welcome and loved at big family events, and in relatives' homes, etc. And he was basically easy to raise: not demanding, easy going about foods, schedules, etc. Just required close supervision and many reminders for even basic self care, etc.
School was always challenging, though he was polite and mostly cooperative. His attention span was very short, and wandered without structured assistance. But with extensive help from family members and tutors and a good school system, he graduated from high school with a regular ed diploma. But by his junior year the lack of friendships, the fact that his athletic abilities weren't nearly enough to be in any competitive setting he chose, and especially his lack of comprehension of social mores, caused him to withdraw to the point that he was nearly silent much of the time.
Over the years we sought assistance for him through our medical plan, and were told NOTHING about attachment disorder. He was treated for ADD (he was not hyperactive), and, following a suicide threat 2 years ago, was hospitalized and treated for "chronic anxiety disorder". He seems "stable" if that's a good word, on medication, but doesn't bother to take it without reminders, and says it "doesn't make me feel different". Because he did not and does not "act out wildly" -- no fighting, stealing, or whatever else is considered "acting out", they seem to think attachment disorder is not the issue.

We loved him from the first day we met him, and believed -- as I still do -- that he loved us, though he was not demonstrative and somewhat stiff when hugged, after the age of 5 or so. What is very clear is that any thought of my NOT being here, or not having someone to look after him, is extremely disturbing to him. But he won't go to counseling -- and in this State, it seems it is impossible to make him do so.

However, he seems unable to conceive that he must take care of himself, and certainly appears to anyone who knows him, to have that ability. His hygiene is awful, without reminders, and that, of course, also affects any socializing. He reads well, and is able to follow written directions for laundry, etc., but doesn't bother.

So since high school, he has "gone nowhere", in terms of moving forward with his life. He seems to be stuck at about 13-14, and resists any effort to assume even small responsibility for his own daily living and future needs. My husband passed away 18 months ago, and our adult daughter, 2 years older than J, is living out on her own, with a job and a Masters Degree in progress. I can no longer motivate J to do anything to care for himself, without encountering strong resistance or the most basic one-time low level compliance...and no follow through.

He has managed to retain a retail clerk job -- 10-18 hours per week -- for over 4 years, and handles money, makes change, etc. He is conscientious about being on time to work, and shows basic reliability in that. For that reason, I was told he doesn't qualify for any form of social assistance, which I tried to find for him after the hospital: a work program, or organized housing that might help him live somewhat more independently. Now with the economy so bad, he is getting even fewer hours at work, and does not seem much phased that that reduction in pay may keep him from having even some pocket money, or pay a cell phone bill, much less help with any living costs.

The suddeness of my husband's death has made me very aware that, as an older parent, I just won't always be there for J. His sister loves him, but has become increasingly unwilling to have him in her life, beyond the time the 3 of us are together, because of the hygiene issues, and his peculiar behaviors...sometimes not responding when her friends speak to him.

He showed some facility with computers, and qualified for a grant for some computer classes. However, he doesn't seem to have any plan for how that knowledge might convert to a job. He was very angry when I demanded to go with him to the school, and extend his class schedule to more classes, since his work hours are almost nil.

Relatives who visit are noticing the downhill slope of our relationship...that he speaks rudely to me more often, that he does not help with anything without supervision or nagging. They're encouraging me to put him out on his own -- sink or swim style. But now that I've heard of attachment disorder, I wonder if there isn't some way to get him seen, diagnosed, treated, helped...??? I have read and heard some TERRIBLE things about therapy for attachment disorder, and those were enough to scare me off. But I cannot give up hope that he can have a better life, and I truly fear what would happen to him, if he completes some classes and finds that that "goes nowhere" because he can't relate well enough to people to get a higher level job. I doubt even his current employer would keep him, if his hygiene and dress habits slipped...employers now are looking for reasons to NOT schedule part-timers.

Anyone have advice, a clue, a referral? J is, so far, a good decent person who hasn't hurt anyone -- except himself -- but may not be able to sustain on his own at all.

[lucyjoy]

Bottom line is he's 25. He has to want something different before things will be different.

What you have discribed does not sound like attachment disorder to me. It sounds like fetal alcohol, and possibly bi-polar disorder. People with bi-polar often do not take their medications.

My fetal alcohol child forgets to do things without lists ad reminders. I taught HIM to make lists. I had him make schedules specific to showering and doing his laundry-what days, times. He needed that to function. He also had great fear of having no one to take care of him. (His story hasn't ended well so far so I'm afraid I don't have much hope to help you there)

I doubt that you will like my advice, but I'd put him out sink or swim. I'd give him 60 days notice to make a plan.

If you don't want to go that route, find him a CHEAP studio apartment, pay the first 6 months rent, give him a months worth of food and toiletries and let him learn to be on his own. Invite him to dinner a night or two a week and you'll know that he's eating that way.

There are a LOT of kids, adopted and not adopted, between the ages of 17 and 30 wondering around doing nothing. No ambition, no plans, just all about fun. Until someone forces them to take care of themselves, they don't see a need to.

You might wish to repost this to the special needs board as more people respond there.

[momraine]

I don't have any good advice, but wanted to let you know someone was listening.

[Lorraine123]

I agree that a lot of it sounds like bi-polar. But it doesn't really matter because he must decide to change.

As an adult, you can't MAKE him want a different life. You can however do things to hopefully encourage him to chose to live differently. He may have to hit rock bottom in order to see that he is responsible for pulling himself up. Its hard to sit back and watch your child that you love sink, but its called tough love.

It sounds like he has the capacity to understand cause and effect. He knows that he has to show up at work on time. He needs to feel the other consequences in order to learn them.

I understand how hard it is. I have a 20 year old bi-polar son.

[kretzklan]

It doesn't sound like AD to me either. I agree with above posters that at his age, there is little you can do to force change. I can understand how hard it is to push him out - but you will, at least, have to set guidelines (I would think). Give him the facts of what he has to accomplish to keep living with you. Get more hours of work or go to school more hours. Set him up with a career counselor - maybe that could help him see where computers could lead. Since he's not on your insurance anymore (I'm guessing he can't be at 25), he may qualify for psychiatric help in other programs, but he has to want to. You can set rules for his hygiene as well - how often he must shower, clean his sheets, his clothes. And, then, if he doesn't comply - I believe you'll have to bite the bullet and put him out on his own. I'm sorry you are in this situation...
I do want to add that I have an understanding. My uncle (now 50s) has NEVER left my grandmother's home/life. He lives in a rental unit that she owns right across the street and has no electricity/no running water. He self-medicates with alcohol and drugs, yet my grandmother has played into this by allowing him to continue to use what she has to get by. If it's hard now to let him sink or swim...it will only get harder. Do you want to be doing this at 84? I know my grandma wishes she wasn't...but she didn't act when she should have and now she worries herself (literally to death) about what will happen when she's gone.

[rottymom]

Originally Posted by lucyjoy

What you have discribed does not sound like attachment disorder to me.

I was thinking along the lines of higher functioning autism...no people skills is a good clue, but we cannot diagnose. Since he is an adult the only thing you can do is strongly suggest he see a professional. And offer support...I can't imagine how hard it is to see him fail, and with your husband's death. I am sorry. ((HUG))

[cac_li]

I am a special ed teacher in NY and there is an agency called VESID that works to help people with disabilities get training and jobs. It is under the umbrella of State Education Department. You could check you state and see if they have a similar program. It is for anyone with a disability. Good Luck!

[jnrjhanson]

I'm so sorry-I can only imagine how frustrating it must be to want only the best for your son and not be able to help him. As I was reading your post, the thought going through my head was this... that's not RAD (reactive attachment disorder), that's FAS (Fetal Alcohol Syndrome). As I read the comments, it sounds like that's exactly what other posters thought as well. Here's a website that I was looking at just before your post. It might help you to understand your son a little better. Best wishes!

http://www.tchpeducation.com/homestu...as_2006web.pdf

[hrisme]

Of course I also can't give much input online, but I don't think what you're describing sounds much like attachment disorder. As others have said, it sounds more like a developmental disorder such as FAS. If you can get him diagnosed as significantly mentally impaired you can get power of attorney for him & that will enable you to make his financial & medical decisions. Otherwise, he is an adult and you can not force him to do anything. Just because he is capable of working part time does not mean he does not qualify for disability--I work (on the books) 25 hours a week & still get SSDI and qualify for medicaid. It's a lot of paperwork, and it typically takes applying several times, but it does happen. If you get him on medicaid there may also be half-way housing or supervised living situations he qualifies for. If you'd like to PM me I'd be glad to offer what help I can.

[worriedparent]

lucyjoy: thank you for your post. I went to my own counselor the other day. I hadn't gone for a long time, but she'd been assigned to help me after my husband died. He was shot by someone evidently trying to carjack his car...which was sitting in the parking lot only because he had a flat and was waiting for tow truck. The counselor helped me through those first months, but also told me that after my son and I readjusted to the needs of daily living, there would be other issues, and of course, as my post shows, those did indeed emerge. Like you, she said J's issues don't sound like RAD so much as perhaps something along the autism spectrum. I went to our Regional Center (CA's place for the assistance of persons on the autism spectrum) but J's age is past that of their mandate. However, other postings on this site have offered other lines of research, as did my counselor and our atty, who wrote our original trust, and has helped me revise it recently as I face J's situation more clearly. Posts by you and others are a great source of encouragement to me. A hug to you as well!

[momraine]

You will be in my prayers! I hope you both find what you need.

[guatmom4113]

I wonder if he would qualify for a DMH waiver? Check their website just in case you might want to explore that avenue.

[dpen6]

WOW...my heart is with you..lots to deal with.

I am no expert but the high functioning autism strikes a cord with me. Aspergers comes to mind.

I am not sure how asan adult you can get him diagnoosed.

I feel so very bad for you both.