[sassafras]

Lord. I just don't know what to do. This child is ripping our household apart. In the last 2 days she has threatened to kill us and herself. I have gotten so many phone calls at work I will probably be fired. My husband is getting nose bleeds from the stress. He is ready to send her somewhere, foster care, mental health hospital, etc.

I wrote the therapist. He is alot of help. He says : It takes alot of patience, forgiveness, etc to parent an "explosive child". Said he would set aside one hour of therapy a month to "debrief" us. Thanks,hopefully I won't come downstairs to find my oldest daughter's neck slit open by her younger sister. Hello? Is this thing on? She threatened to kill all of us and herself! He doesn't think she will do it. Well I don't think she would kill any of us but who knows about herself. I guess she has to do something first before anyone will take us seriously but by then it will be too late!

Of course the next day she is over it and is fine. The problem is WE are't over it. Her words leave scars.

She is diagnosed bipolar and RAD towards women. She was exposed to drugs in the womb. I really think we are going to get an anti social diagnosi.

[Crissy011]

I don't have any good advice for you, but I wanted to say I'm soooo sorry & my prayers go out to you & your family. I wish I had some sort of answer.....

[momraine]

I am sorry you are going through this, it's so hard. Try posting on the top special needs board, maybe they will have some ideas for you.

[jnrjhanson]

My advice: Get yourself a new counselor. This is serious behavior, and frankly, if your daughter does have RAD, there is a chance that she could, in fact, kill one of you. Any worker who blows off suicide/homicide threats needs to be reported to their supervisor.

I'm not saying that she WILL kill herself or one of you, but frankly, it has happened. There are certain connections in the brain that don't happen when a child develops RAD, and they lose the ability to know right from wrong or have any sort of empathy. They can become sociopathic, killing animals and burning down their house at night.

I know I sound extreme, but the extreme does happen, and things like this should be taken seriously. So... get a new case worker, therapist, counselor, psycologist, whomever! And get into attachment therapy! (Not the re-birthing crap- more like play therapy, etc). Good luck!

[lucyjoy]

Okay, fire your therapist. When this child threatens suicide or homicide, dial 911. Take her either to the ER or the psych ward. Her threats should get her an admit at least buying you a little time to breathe. She may need to live away from home for awhile.

One child cannot be allowed to implode an entire family. Home may not be the place for her to live. She can't heal when she is doing these thing to all of you and you can't live in a war zone.

And I'd take her threats seriously.

[EZ2Luv]

I second LucyJoy's advice. Any threats of homicide or suicde are not ever to be taken lightly. 911 immediately. I know that sometimes people think these are just idle threats but in reading your past posts this child is highly volatile and just might snap and do something out of rage not even considering the harm. I am not trying to scare you but this is serious.
As a nurse who works with mental health issues, saftely is first and foremost and with an irrational person you simply cannot assume that the person will not act out on these threats. I dont care what a threapist might say, they do not live with her and have not witnessed the behavior when it is happening. IMO 911 and a trip to the ER to be evaluated and maybe hospitalized to be assessed.
This must be done not only for your family's safety but hers as well.

EZ

[sundara]

First, please let us all know if you guys are ok.

I hope you ignored the SW and sought help for your daughter & yourselves.

I've been thru the scenario you describe with 3 kids now, and it is very tough, but also incredibly important to respond to these types of threats with safety as the number 1 concern at all times. That means most likely that she truly needs to be hospitalized.

Threats like this can be used to initiate immediate hospitalization in a facility that can keep her safe. At a minimum, they can keep her for 24 hrs for making the threat.

I WOULD NOT attempt to drive a child in this state to the facility myself - it may not be safe, for you or for her. I strongly recommend 911 and an ambulance ride.

As a parent, the best thing you can do for her behind the scenes is work to get her into the best placement you can, visit her as often as they allow (may only be a couple of times a week), and emphasize to her throughout that you love her and that families who care must ensure everyone is safe from harm, and that you want her home when she is able to be safe for herself and the family. (EVEN if you don't feel this at all, and trust me, I did not at the time either, due to being so burned out & stressed. I was thankful they were in the hospital getting help so I did not have to be hypervigilant for a little while).

3 years later, things are much better, but I will say, those times were pure h*ll - but there is hope, even if you cannot feel it now. The hardest part is that they act out when they start to feel SAFE and attached - it means that she is actually feeling safe enough to act out.

My heart goes out to you.

[hrisme]

Skip the therapist, the next time she makes a threat call 911 RIGHT THEN, and have them come to the home. Get everyone else out & let her rage. They *have* to take her as an inpatient if she's suicidal/homicidal, though they'll smack you with the bills.

[mgood2go]

We never suffered such severe threats from our toddlers. But, they would not have been able to find such harsh words at their young age when we went through our darkest times. It seemed at times there could be no time when they would share our love for them - not for us, but for themselves. I don't know if 911 can help in a threat, or how your counsilor is helping. For us we used holding therapy - Mommy and Daddy time. Painful hours were spent ahead of other priorities, with them screaming and writhing in our laps. As hard as it was, our Motto (source lost, sorry) was PLACE - Playful, Loving, Accepting, Compassionate, and Empathetic.

Mom won over love first, it took me nearly 3 tears to reach my daughter. Now she feels loved, and can respond in her own heart.

What kept me pushing through was that there was no other real option. We could not pass our children on in any realistic way. So, they were ours to deal with and they had to relearn that they could be loved unconditionally like most children are. This simple concept is beyond the grasp of a child that lost their formative age with loving parents. Relearning it - or learning it for the first time - past these formative years can only be done in the slowest trickle. It can only be done if it is true from morning to night and every time you lose your cool and every time you find it back and apologize. While restraining your child in your lap from hitting, kicking, and biting, you have to tell them how it is okay that they hate you because you have enough love for both of you. Remember there are years of unquestioned love that you are doing your feeble best to replace.

I would love to say it will only take 3 years. It may be 911 or a cousilor finds a solution first. There are no guarantees, but there are no other options except to try. But, for the last week, my daughter gave me sincere hugs in situations I had given up hope of experiencing, and this reward can't compare to anything i've experienced. Not because my love as her parent was requited. But, because I see what this has done for her own self respect.

I faith gives you hope, by all means pray. But, do not give up on loving your child.

[candkss]

I am so sorry. I am new to this part of this forum...I am on the Guate Adopt Forum alot. We just got presented with adopting an older child from a disprputed adoption. We met her a few weeks ago...and it did not go as well as I would have hoped. I am just studing RADS....and I am scared to death to tell you the truth and you sound like you have reason be scared to death as your lives are being threatened. Would you mind PMing me???

Hugs Candy

[candkss]

I am so sorry. I am new to this part of this forum...I am on the Guate Adopt Forum alot. We just got presented with adopting an older child from a disprputed adoption. We met her a few weeks ago...and it did not go as well as I would have hoped. I am just studing RADS....and I am scared to death to tell you the truth and you sound like you have reason be scared to death as your lives are being threatened. Would you mind PMing me???

Hugs Candy

[luv4snoope]

Originally Posted by sassafras

Lord. I just don't know what to do. This child is ripping our household apart. In the last 2 days she has threatened to kill us and herself. I have gotten so many phone calls at work I will probably be fired. My husband is getting nose bleeds from the stress. He is ready to send her somewhere, foster care, mental health hospital, etc.

I wrote the therapist. He is alot of help. He says : It takes alot of patience, forgiveness, etc to parent an "explosive child". Said he would set aside one hour of therapy a month to "debrief" us. Thanks,hopefully I won't come downstairs to find my oldest daughter's neck slit open by her younger sister. Hello? Is this thing on? She threatened to kill all of us and herself! He doesn't think she will do it. Well I don't think she would kill any of us but who knows about herself. I guess she has to do something first before anyone will take us seriously but by then it will be too late!

Of course the next day she is over it and is fine. The problem is WE are't over it. Her words leave scars.

She is diagnosed bipolar and RAD towards women. She was exposed to drugs in the womb. I really think we are going to get an anti social diagnosi.

I understand how you feel. I have a 14 year old adopted son who has RAD and is bipolar. He has threatened to kill all of us and himself. I can't get the help he needs. We have worked until we just can't do it anymore. I cry and am depressed most of the time because of the stress he puts our family under. After 9 1/2 years I want to give up. But, I love him and he is my son but I have to save myself and the rest of the family. How can I dissolve this adoption?

[lucyjoy]

Have you talked to a lawyer? Laws vary state by state.
If your son was adopted from foster care their should be subsidy to help pay for him to go to an out of home placement. Some states require the child be released back to foster care to do this, others do not. Some states require parents to pay child support in these cases, others do not.

As for disolving, again laws vary. My state will not allow you to disolve an adoption unless the child is rehomed and there are identified, waiting parents to take the child. Rehoming is one option to dissolve.

You really need to seek legal advice in your state.