[harry-the-dad]

Hi all. I'm new but I wanted to share some of my experiences in adopting a child with severe RAD. Unlike many adoption stories, ours isn't all that happy.

I've started a blog that I hope to keep updated with thoughts and tips about this disorder. Please check it out.

It may seem a bit shocking or depressing at first, but I suspect many of you will relate. I will offer the positive as well as the negative.

Please don't let the title throw you. I will get around to explaining my thinking.


Harry

[rottymom]

I am up way too eary in the morning for this kind of reading but I am up because my baby won't sleep...normal for us crazy parents that adopt the damaged goods.

I read your blog...and let me say first, I am sorry!!! ((HUGS))

Second, you need serious help, not now but yesterday...do you have a therapist? Reading your blog made me cry. At first I was angry because you are so negative toward your son but I know how hard it can be. Our kids take so much effort and energy and never give back. but they still need love.

Next, from what little you described your son has FAE you should read more about this and maybe give some meaning to your son's little quirks.

And yes, he probably has RAD...as well as other issues but I have a hard time with the psychopath label, it seems so old fashion and all encompassing...you need real answers not labels.

Last, you need help....do you have acess to family counseling for you and your wife? Also, do you know where to get real help for your son? I am assuming you adopted him through the state foster system, they have emergency counseling for situations like this and they can give you more information on the kind of help you need. Also don't forget a regular doctor visit...a good physician now has loads of information for you and your family and they can give you referrals for specialists your son needs and that will be covered under your insurance. Don't give up now...that kid needs you more than ever. He needs love and understanding...this means you need support for you and your wife.

[marythemom]

Please post this in the Special Needs Forum. There are people there who have children who are diagnosed psychopaths. They should be able to help you get the resources your family needs. Plus it is a very active board, unlike this one. My son has RAD but "mild" (among his many other diagnoses). These members have helped my family and him. The ATN (Attachment Trauma network) has a forum called Little Zebras that should be helpful to you as well - it is a list serve that is by invitation only for severe children. I'm sure someone can get you a link for that group. I don't have it here with me.

PLEASE post this to the Special Needs Forum. http://forums.adoption.com/special-needs-adoption/

Mary

[KarynB]

Wow, reading your blog hurt my heart - both for you and your wife and also for what neglect and abuse did to this little boy. I also feel so much anger for a system that does not properly prepare potential adoptive parents for what they are getting themselves into with an older child adoption. I have a friend right now who is preparing to adopt an older child and she refuses to listen to any of my warnings/advise/experience because she doesn't want to "hear the negative" - then I read stories like yours and I know it is SO important. In fact, we rarely talk right now because I can't understand her unwillingness to educate herself about her future child's potential problems to avoid scenarios like you are describing- and know what it is like when you don't do that.

Our middle son also has mild/moderate attachment issues - and it is so often his lack of remorse that floors me. However, we are learning (and he is learning) that empathy can be taught, even if never felt as keenly as those who have not lived through early traumas.

Please, please tell me you all have been through extensive counselling with a qualified attachment therapist.

I also agree with rottymom - the first thing I also thought of was FAE - not being able to figure out abstract, problem solve, etc. Has this been on your radar as well?

Thoughts are with you and your family...

Karyn

[lovemy6]

Kids with prenatal exposure to alcohol don't have the ability to have cause and effect. You have to treat the child as if he has brain damage...which he has! You have to be his external brain and limit his world.

On top of that you need very specific counseling, with an attachment therapist. Have you been to one?

There is hope for this kid, but you and dw have to be on the same page and totally committed to helping him heal. I know it's hard! I have 4 kids with RAD, 3 are completely healed. One we are still working with.

[scandi]

I agree with the others it appears that there are so many things that say that Fetal Alcohol may have some play here. Maybe something to look into.?

[jpeel99]

I read your blog. I really admire you for sharing this. I am so sorry for your situation and feel that you are very strong. I have no judgement on you for your decisions and can't even begin to know what to say.

[plum93]

What does the end of your last entry mean? "To keep people like me from doing what I am about to do"? I am concerned reading this.

[lucyjoy]

That is a puzzling comment and doesn't sound too good.

I feel sorry for this kid. He's 11 and written off already? There is a reason kids are not given the diagnosis of psychopath. Too bad he's not getting the right kind of therapy.

[RavenSong]

Lucy, thank you for saying that. I read this blog last night, and it really, really bothers me. I, too, find that comment disturbing.

I feel really badly for this 11-year-old child. I absolutely do NOT understand why he has been written off already. It also worries me that a "timeline" has been created, showing what crimes he will commit during his teens and how often he'll commit them. A lot of us know how kids will often live up to their parents' expectations of them. I'd hate to see a self-fulfilling prophecy happen to this kid.

Also, I think a diagnosis of psychopathy is really premature. The DSM-IV doesn't even allow a diagnosis of this nature being made before the age of 15, and for good reason, IMO.

[dadfor2]

harry,

I feel you need to get this child some help. By just ignoring the problem it will not go away. Regardless of how you feel about this child, he is only 11 yrs old and plenty of time for him to heal.

I found your blog actually very disturbing. If you cannot get the help for your child, or refuse to get the help, you may need to look into finding someone who can actually help the child.

clearly you guys have given up on him, so my suggestion is find someone who can help him.

you mentioned that he did attach to his foster family, ybe start with them. Its a boy crying out for help and its falling on deaf ears.

if you really feel there is no hope for this 11 yr old child, and you have no bond to him, then call DSS and talk about having hiim placed with a family that deal with his issues.

[crick]

I find it interesting that there is no mention of therapy in your blog. I'd think with things this dire there would be a lot of mention of that aspect?

It's also interesting to me that typically parents in this situation are desperate for understanding and validation, and are so thankful to find others who understand RAD. And yet...very silent here.

Hmm...

[Lorraine123]

I find this entire thing very strange.

[dadfor2]

I find this entire thing very strange.

lorraine, were on the same page, but i always go with the 'just in case' thing

[EZ2Luv]

I have read the blog as well. I think that is premature to jump to conclusions as far as therapy goes because it seems that this father has sought help and asked for his son to be tested and evaluated but because of his age certain test wil not be done. The blog is heartbreaking but hear more of frustration from this father.
It appears he has exausted every resource and is at a point of desperation.
I just cannot imagine parenting a child with such behavior problems, I was drained just reading.
I wish the OP would return and update or at least get some support.

EZ