[alyssa&avery]

I've taken over a years hiatus from participating on any forum although I have lurked from time to time. But now I find myself in a situation that I can not handle alone. I am reaching out desperately for some advice, ideas and support.

I'll give you some background on my son. A is four years old (will turn five in November), adopted from Guatemala and brought home at 7 months old. He was placed in a hogar on the day that he was born, moved to a wonderful foster family when he was about 5 months old and then came home to us at 7 months old. That's a lot of moves for such a little guy and he did more grieving as an infant then my dd did. We practiced attachment parenting with him and he did/does seem attached. He always made eye contact, loved to be held and snuggled, loved to be fed his bottle and looked to us for comfort.

As he moved into toddlerhood he became my little cling-on and shadow. There were days that I got little done because I had to hold him. He had separation anxiety and a deep fear of strangers. Age appropriate everyone said, but I had my doubts. His separation anxiety peeked at age 3-4, but we worked with him and put him in a small playgroup so that he could get used to me leaving him and then coming back for him. He was absolutely doing better. Recently, he is showing signs of separation anxiety but he also fears abandonment. He is so afraid that I will leave and never come back. He only does this with me. He is fine if dh leaves. He still demands to be held and at his age and size (he's very big) it's becoming physically challenging for me.

These are some of the things that we're experiencing right now:

He is incredibly angry (about what?)
Hits when angry (especially me)
Throws things when angry (toys, books, food, cups)
Screams when punished
Uses hateful and hurtful words when angry or reprimanded
Still clingy
Separation anxiety (even at night.....I still get up at least once a night just to comfort him)
Fears abandonment

He makes good eye contact
Hugs, kisses and snuggles appropriately
Remorseful after outbursts and will apologize


I've read most of the resouces that Karen (AngelKisses) has posted. I know that there's something wrong, but I just don't know what. Today was an extremely bad day and I had a breakdown. According to my sister I've taken the hardest step today by saying out loud that there is something wrong and that I need help. I just don't know where to start. Do I start with a child psychologist? A child psychiatrist? A neuro-psychiatrist? Is one better than another if it's attachment related? What if it's PTSD?

Please, I need to help my son. What do I do?

[hrisme]

Personally, from the view point of a respite provider, adoptee, and consumer of mental health services (note: not a mental health professional or parent) I would start with a child psychologist who is experienced with adoption or, at the very least, grief and loss issues. I would begin with the assumption that the behavioral challenges are based on situational aspects, such as early separation and grief/loss. A child psychologist is equipped to identify these aspects, and can also give you input as to whether there may be a neurological component, which could be addressed by a child psychiatrist. In general, based on my personal experiences, many psychiatrists tend to focus on the neurological/physiological components and may not be as prepared to identify and treat situational components.

The good news is it doesn't sound as if your son has reactive attachment disorder! The not-so-good news is what you already know, your son is experiencing intense feelings that neither of you know how to deal with. The sooner you get help, the better. Of course, this isn't a reflection of you as a parent! Admitting you need help indicates your concern for your son's well being, I am sure you are doing everything you can for him.

[alyssa&avery]

Thank you so much for your reply.

It is so difficult to keep reminding myself that this is not my "fault" or even his. It just is. I'll be making lots of phone calls today to try to find the best place for us. I know that this is not about "fixing" him, but rather helping him to deal with his feelings and maybe my learning some new strategies for parenting him.

Thanks again!

[DPline]

It is nice to see you posting. I am sorry it is under such difficult circumstances.

If your post doesn't get a lot of attention here, you might try posting on the Special Needs Adoption forum which gets a lot of traffic.

Good luck!

[alyssa&avery]

Thanks Debbie, I'll try posting there!

[aMarylandfamily]

That is where you need to be posting as another above me stated - many there face several of the same or even more extreme situations and the support is amazing!

I would, from personal experience, locate a larger practice which hosts both a child psychologist and psychiatrist that work together - seeing the child psychologist for initial examination/diagnosis and he then recommends to his colleague medication therapies (only if appropriate) and together they balance the child's care.

Know you are not alone - the more you post the more you will hear and sometimes this board is what gets many through the day let alone the current situation!

[aspenhall]

I would start with a Child therapist who has been reccommended by others whose children had grief and loss trauma....perhaps on a website like the ATN network.

Some babies are simply born more "aware" of their surroundings....what may pass unnoticed by some would highly affect others. I think that as he grows and is able to reason it will lessen to a degree, but you do need to start doing actions to counteract how he sees the world (moms permanently leave unexpectedly for no reason)

Taking him to a preschool and leaving and coming back was a good idea, a way to illustrate the message you want him to get.

Also, how about giving him something that is "important" to you, that you need to come back for that he can hold on to for you while you're gone. Or get something that makes you "twins" like matching shirts or bracelets.

It sounds like he directs his anger at you because you are the one that makes him feel most vulnerable...and you have the capacity to hurt him the most, so he is lashing out in perceived self defense.

I hope some of anything I said helps....

[ProspectiveSingleMom]

I agree with the advice to start with a child psychologist/therapist. Nowadays, psychiatrists mainly work with prescribing and monitoring meds, and your son my not need meds. Trying non-med therapy first and then meds only if therapy alone doesn't work is, in my opinion, the best way to go. Sadly, the trend in this country seems to be the opposite -- meds first, then therapy if meds alone don't do the trick.