[5jellybeans]

I am new to this board but I am looking for a place to find people who understand what I am going through. We have 5 children ages 14,10,7,5 and 3. We adopted the oldest when he was only 18 months old and never had any attachment issues. We birthed the next 2. Then we have adopted the 2 youngest recently. They are biologically half brothers and have always been together. To make this long story shorter, they both have RAD. We were misinformed by the placing agency (county DFCS in another state) when we asked about their ability to attach. They said they were normally attached to foster parents and should easily attach to us.
It took about a year before I decided that their behaviors were not normal adjusting to a new family. By that time the adoptions were finalized. We now have an attachment therapist and are starting the hard work. My oldest children are suffering terribly. The crying and the defiance, the nonsense talking, the food issues, the hypervigilance and the rages have taken their toll on 3 super kids. They want desperately to love their new brothers but just can't.
We are in this for the long haul. We feel like God sent these boys to us and we intend to help them heal. We are getting counseling for EVERYONE so we can all make it through together. Is there anyone out there who has helped siblings with RAD heal? Our therapist says they have a trauma bond and probably should have been placed separately but we have what we have and now we must move forward. I just need the best info I can get on helping them (they are different even in their presentation of RAD) both at the same time.
Thanks for listening to our story. -Jill

[lucyjoy]

Sounds like you got your hands very full. Helping kids who are trauma bonded heal in the same home is hard. And it's tougher if they present different as you have to adjust your parent for that. It can be done, but it's not easy.

First off, be sure the therapist you are using is TRAINED in attachment and trauma based therapy. When your older kids tell them they've had it, the thrapist needs to get that it's not sibling rilvary that's the problem and your unhealthy kids need real help in dealing with their trauma and not a feel sorry for them thrapist.

Find ways to get one on one time with all your kids(my older kids did watch my younger kids with attachment disorder sometimes while I worked or talked with another child).

I would also suggest checking out Welcome to Attachment & Trauma Network* - ATN. They have support lists for adoptive parens of different ages, healthy siblings, adults with attachment problems, and prospective adoptive parents. Lots of parents there can give you ideas for handling multiple children all together.

And post lots of questions/vents here. Many of us are or have been where you are.

[atouchofheaven]

the best website i have found!

A4everFamily.org - HOME

worked so well with my son who struggled with attachment. let me know if i can help in any other way. good luck and prayers to your family and those little boys.

[momraine]

I feel for you, I too have adopted and bio kids and now my sister and her kids living with us just to really mix it up. LOL. I only have one with attachment problems, but it does eat at the family. I have to really work to find ways to give my other kids the attention they need. It's hard, but it helps a lot.

[MomwithFive]

It is hard on the family. We are seeing an attachment therapist and this is new to us also. I read all I can about the traumatized child. In fact, if anyone has recommendations on good books that would be much appreciated. I wish you the best with your therapist and hope you have time for yourself to relax.

[Scatterbrain]

A GREAT book--The Explosive Child by Ross W. Greene phd

This book was so very helpful and is not only about explosive children, but implosive as well. Good luck to you.

[warriormom]

Wow. I can't imagine having 2 RAD children. We have a daughter we adopted. And, then later we adopted our son, who turned out to have RAD. We were not informed of this either. In fact, we have never heard of it. We knew he was different from any child we had ever fostered, but we knew nothing about the reasons. We chose to adopt him because we believed it would be his only hope at a decent life. We surely didn't know what we were getting ourselves into. Like you said, though, we are in it for the long haul. I just wish we had understood it sooner, so we could have been doing more effective therapy at home and in the office. We now have a therapist who has a lot of experience with RAD. I have learned a lot about things to do at home as well. It has made so much difference. But it is a long journey ahead.

I hope we hear more from you on how things go. How old did you say the brothers are? Does the therapist believe they can be successful in their therapy together?

[warriormom]

I think I've heard of that book. I haven't read it yet, but it came highly recommended by a parent in a support group I'm in. I better check into that book. That's twice it's been recommended!

[warriormom]

The book that helped me so much is Building the Bonds of Attachment by Daniel Hughes. It was like a "How To" manual for me. Even though my son is older than the child in the story, and, thankfully, has progressed a little from where that child started, it was still extremely helpful to me. We have a long way to go, but it sure helps when you understand the problem.