[chickymum]

I have been keeping my 7yo daughter home from school at least once or twice a week. The reason for this is because when she is here we get along soooo well. When she is at school she becomes so devious with stealing and hiding things and lying. When she comes home I try to talk to her and teach her what is right and wrong but that confrontation causes her brain to pretty much shut down. I become extremely frustrated at not being able to get through to her and the family suffers because I am all worked up. Finally we end with having her stay home and just enjoying the day together. By the time the other kids come home peace has been restored.
My question is...Since we get along so well at home would home schooling be a good idea to consider? Also, can home schooling help with the bonding process.

[lucyjoy]

Where I live, you will get hotlined for keeping a child home too much-just an FYI

Home schooling can either help or hurt the bonding process. It depends on how it is handled. I know many of my kid had little interest in learning and could have very easily drawn me into control battles every day. I live in a state with very lenient home school laws which worked well. They did learn but I could control the when and how much easier and avoid the battles more successfully.

No way could I home school my youngest and he's attached. It would interfere with our relationship. He learns well in his group setting at school but one on one, getting him to do ANYTHING would be a battle that I wouldn't want.

Also, you mentioned other kids. When I had one at home doing home schooling, the rest wanted to stay as well. Your kids may be different but it is something to consider.

[Erin_1712]

another thought does she disrupt school so she gets her day at home and you are just rewarding her for the behaviour it is just a thought i had while reading your post

[xxsurroundedbyxy]

As a teacher, I totally agree with Erin1712. I think she has figured out that her attitude will win her a "day off". Most adults would act reprehensibly too if you told them it would get them 1-2 days off of work per week.

The deal is.....this can't continue. You do not have dr. notes or anything for excused absences and therefore will be turned over to the courts by the school's truancy officer. You need to read your child's school handbook because you have probably already exceeded the number of unexcused absences for the semester.

You have also caused her teacher to not be able to properly judge where your child is at in learning. She is missing important lessons. The teacher cannot give her an accurate grade.

So my answer is, you need to homeschool .....if you cannot change YOUR behavior. Because ultimately, all adults involved in your child's life will be holding you responsible for her absences and education.

Kim

[chickymum]

Actually this staying home thing only started about three weeks ago and she is on an IEP so as far as lessons go that does not make a difference. The school already set us up at the beginning of the year for her to have every second friday off for 'bonding' time. I just seem to be giving her more time home because it is better than the stress that goes along with her being at school.

[xxsurroundedbyxy]

Ok. More info makes things much clearer. I was worrying about things for you that aren't even a factor. Sorry.

I think if I were you I would ask her teacher for some of the work she WOULD have done had she been at school that day.

On these bonding days, try setting aside an hour here and a half hour there to work with her as her "teacher" and see how that works.

I am going to assume that right now you are not doing school work with her on these days and therefore she is in a GREAT mood when at home and loves her alone time with you.

I would want to do some trial runs on having to interrupt her day off with some work to see how she reacts. If things go well, it is worth thinking about. But if things take a turn south and feel alot like the days that she does attend school, then I would have her attend school rather than you and she bickering all day and your other children coming home to an overwhelmed mom also wearing a teacher hat.

I am a certified teacher and I KNOW I could never home school. I am a very organized person, but would never have the discipline to turn my home into my place of employment. I would have trouble getting into a work routine. You would have to be very structured and plan lessons and learning trips along with ways to measure learning etc.

If you ever decided to put her back into the public school system, they would be required to test her to determine what grade level she is actually at (even though she may be on an IEP and in special education classes all day). I have seen second graders leave for three years and instead of testing at fifth grade level when they returned, they tested at third grade and were now 10 or 11 and going through puberty surrounded by 8 year olds. It was awful. I have also seen homeschooling be an awesome experience for some children .... but those were generally children who actually loved school and learning and were not being challenged enough... or whose parents wanted to travel with them and extend their experiences. If your child hates school, she may hate school at home too. Especially if she likes any of the social aspect of school like lunch and recess etc.

So be sure you are committed to that decision if you make it. Only you know your child and what you can handle.

I am wishing you the best. Good luck.

[rindava]

yes, homeschooling and what you are doing are all things that would help attachment,,,

there is not one adoption expert out there (mainstream, new age, any of it, Nancy Thomas, etc..)

that does not say keeping a newly placed child home and close to you the first 6 weeks to 6 months is not a wonderful idea, and better then any other plan you can make...

Come on everybody... where are you guys...

public schools are not all they are cracked up to be,... there are their for 2 main reason, to educate the masses and provide child care...

truancy from school is not a DSS issue here, if your child is a problem at school they are happy if they only show up from time to time... if you advocate for your child's special ed rights then truancy would become an issue..

If you can homeschool and school is a major stressor for her causing her behavior problems don't send her any more...

Read Nancy Thomas' books... they kids don't go to school until they earn it and can deal with the presure...

I think most of the parents on the special needs board have had to homeschool and child or two or most at some point...

I am happy that you are able to spend the time with the child and see that maybe her environment is part of the problem...

hang in there...

I have seen thousands of kids lost to the public school system... kids who show up just about every day and are in 8th grade and still can't read past 2nd grade, etc...

I am also a teacher

[xxsurroundedbyxy]

Originally Posted by rindava

Come on everybody... where are you guys...

public schools are not all they are cracked up to be,... there are their for 2 main reason, to educate the masses and provide child care...

I am also a teacher

Public schools allow everyone in America to be provided with a free education. It depends upon the teachers inside a building as to what type of quality school it will be. Unfortunately, most homeschool instructors have not received four years of childhood education. For some children, they do have more pressing concerns besides academics and I understand that. I just think it is a decision that must be carefully weighed. And yes, even a child with special needs through DCFS foster/adopt can be taken to court for truancy if the correct paperwork has not been filled out for special circumstances. The OP has already made arrangements to keep the child home every other Friday, but admitted that she is keeping her home 1-2 days per week which is against the agreement and I just wanted her to be warned of possible problems. Even if a parent decides to homeschool, the paperwork has to be filled out so that it doesn't look like that child just disappeared from the public school system. They would be knocking on her door to ask where the child was and why she was not attending school.

P.S. "Public schools are not all that they are cracked up to be. They're there for two main reasons....

Before announcing you are a teacher and criticizing public schools, you may want to proof read your own post. Some people may not want their child in your class if this is the English you teach.

[lucyjoy]

Home school laws vary by state as does requirement of paperwork or not.

My concern is the allowing her behavior to dictate the time off. Rewarding a negative behavior isn't helpful and keeping her home because it is easier can create situations for manipulation.

I think you need to decide when she should and shouldn't be in school. It is possible in many states to send a child part time for school. I had a child go half days to public school and half days to an intensive program for his learning diabilities. It was set up in such a way that he didn't miss important lessons.

Keeping her home to bond is fine, but she does need schooling(check your state laws for regulations) and being teacher can interfere with bonding in some situations. It's important to be sure you can balance it. I could with some kids, but not with others due to personality and learning styles.

[Howdy]

Originally Posted by chickymum

... When she is at school she becomes so devious with stealing and hiding things and lying. When she comes home I try to talk to her and teach her what is right and wrong but that confrontation causes her brain to pretty much shut down. ...

Oh that sounds hard on both of you. Have you read the Love and Logic books (and/or books-on-tape)? They have lots of good advice on dealing with lying and stealing and stuff like that. Also the authors have had foster and adopted children, so the techniques aren't just for emotionally stable kids.

If you are trying to teach her right and wrong in regards to her behavior at school, she may be picking up the message that she is bad, and very likely she agrees and so no wonder her poor brain shuts down.

Regarding school, I found homeschooling my daughter very nice for having time together (at least until she turned 11 and entered the 'reject-mother' phase - she's back in public school now!).

Bonding requires eye contact, laughter, movement, and a couple other things that I forget (maybe feeding and sweets? I remember reading a few bonding exercises, like putting a donut on your finger and you and your child eating it, or using a drop of hand lotion to stick cotton balls on your noses and trying to blow them off each other).

'Schooling' isn't likely to promote bonding, but if you did 'unschooling' you would take away the 'schooling' stress. That is what I did with my daughter, I enrolled her in a private 'distance learning' school that was supportive of 'unschooling' methods. Since she was enrolled in private school I didn't have to worry about homeschooling laws or requirements, private schools can set their own curriculums. It only cost $45 a year for enrollment, and I had to report 'attendance' quarterly and submit a few page summary once a year of what topics she'd studied.

There are lots of other homeschooling options if unschooling is too radical for your tastes. Public schools provide (at least they do here in Colorado) online schooling for elementary ages (maybe older too but I was only interested so far in elementary). I didn't go with that option because then you have to follow the school curriculum.

Another option in the Denver area that I'd never heard of until after I was homeschooling, is a one-day-a-week elementary school. For a while my daughter was both 'unschooling' with the private school and simultaneously enrolled in the one day a week public school. But you can't have them in two public schools at the same time.

Another nice thing about the private school was not having to do the every other year standardized testing that homeschoolers have to do.

Or, if money is not an object, there are some private schools that are very relaxed; I toured one Montessori school that only gave one math problem a day and one vocabulary word a day, and the kids could spend most of the afternoon out in the playground in nice weather. And that was the combined 4th/5th/6th grade class so who knows how child-friendly and undemanding the lower grades were. Of course they had lots of educational toys and books and stuff like that, but they weren't into the sit-at-a-desk style of education. It was heavy into freedom (self-direction) and interactive learning.

[chickymum]

One thing I guess I should add is that my daughter doesn't seem to mind school. I feel right now we are at a crucial bonding point. We had a wonderful sep to dec - no behavioural issues (the first 3 years were full of them) Then my DH and I went away for a week. When we came back, family came to stay from overseas for 10 days then it was a week of christmas (out of routine) Her world got turned upside down and with it her sense of security flew out the window. My bios can handle a crazy month but she cannot. As soon as I mentioned 'a day with mommy' She seemed to be reminded that her world is a safe one. That defiant face just disapeared.
What I realized is how weak my bond is with her. She does enjoy working and we have a great distance education program here too. So I am curious if this route has worked for others or has it more often caused problems.
One other point I should make is that she is in a private school right now with relativly small class sizes. Next year they start teaching gr 3/4 together which will take the class size from 11 to 21. The school also managed to get funding for her to work one on one with an aid for most of the day, every day so there is no risk of her getting lost. Even with the aid she is a full year behind (FASD)

[lucyjoy]

It could be very good for bonding, as long as it doesn't put you into a control battle. Try it. You can always put her back in school if needed.

[Becki_in_IN]

Originally Posted by xxsurroundedbyxy

If you ever decided to put her back into the public school system, they would be required to test her to determine what grade level she is actually at (even though she may be on an IEP and in special education classes all day). I have seen second graders leave for three years and instead of testing at fifth grade level when they returned, they tested at third grade and were now 10 or 11 and going through puberty surrounded by 8 year olds. It was awful. I have also seen homeschooling be an awesome experience for some children .... but those were generally children who actually loved school and learning and were not being challenged enough... or whose parents wanted to travel with them and extend their experiences. If your child hates school, she may hate school at home too. Especially if she likes any of the social aspect of school like lunch and recess etc.

Well that's not the case in IN. I put my kids back in school and there was no test. They did fine even the one with learning disabilities.

I would have to agree that it would depend on the kid and how far along in therapy they are. My eldest needs to be home so she can learn to attach to family, but she's not far along in therapy. It would be a constant power struggle like it use to be.

Of course, there's always unschooling. Dare I say that in the presence of teachers. Wait a minute! I am a teacher. LOL

[rindava]

most state require very little paper work to homeschool.
check out the home school defense group... they will help you homeschool if you live in a more difficult state... and most people find it very low cost as well

I sorry my grammar is bad... I went to public schools and never got to be homeschooled. I was even an honor student at them I was also typing fast and in a hurry and kind of ticked off at the replys people were giving...

No, most people think No Child Left Behind is dumbing down education so much, that we are just creating soldiers from it.

[athikers]

I'm all for keeping her home if you think it will be successful. We have debated that if we DO send our kids to public school, we will send them on the day they turn 7. That is when our state law requires it.