[ManyTimesBlessed]

We have 3 kids, all adopted internationally and I also have experience with teenaged foster kids (worked as a house parent in a group home) and so we expected attachment issues when our kids came home and felt ready to deal with them. But, I am used to more obvious forms of attachment difficulties - behavior problems, etc. so it has taken me a while to catch on that Micah (age 5, adopted in September from Liberia) seems to be having some trouble attaching, but it isn't int he classic sense I am familiar with. I would really like any advice you can provide 1) is this a sign of attachment problems or am I making it up? and 2) how do I help a 5 year old attach?

Here is what I have been seeing in Micah:

• Rarely gets angry or upset
• Most of the time VERY happy, almost too happy, never has a "bad day"
• Has not really grieved about the changes he's been through. Every now and then he has had a few moments where he seemed sad and would talk about his bio brother (who was placed separately from him) but he has never openly grieved or cried about his losses
• Never openly defies us, only does subtle little disobedient things that you almost think are accidents - but they're happening too often to be accidental
• Avoids eye contact as much as possible and when we insist that he look at us he looks very uncomfortable and then looks away as soon as possible
• Usually doesn't allow himself to "melt" into us when we hug him like his siblings do
• Shows slight anxiety when meeting new people, but soon is their "best friend" and is doing everything he can to charm them (I definitely do not see the indiscriminate friendliness that is often common in kids with attachment issues)
• He does often ask to be held and I try to oblige him as much as I can, but when I hold him it is kind of uncomfortable because he won't relax into me and moves around constantly. It's a lot of "work" to hold him and not the sweet, comfortable feeling as with my other two kids

So, what do you think? To be honest, he has really flown under the radar for the 4 months he's been with us because we thought it was just his personality to be a "good kid" and that may be true, but everyone has to loose it at some point, right? I have wondered if we are in some sort of extended honeymoon period with him. There is definitely something missing in his relationship with us, but I haven't been able to put my finger on it.

If it is attachment, what do I do? I already hug him often, try to touch him throughout the day (play with his hair, pat his back, tickle him, etc). We talk often about how this is his forever family and he will never leave. What else can I do? Is there a way to get him to go ahead and end the honeymoon period and get started attaching?

Thanks for any help you can provide.

[KarynB]

Hello,

I hope you get some good advice on here. Your son sounds very much like our son who was adopted from South Africa at age 3. He is always in a good mood, does not get upset about anything and is very awkward to hug and hold. He was diagnosed with attachment issues and ADHD when he was 5.

I don't think I have much advice for you, just wanted to send you good wishes. The only thing I can think of is to let him regress if he wants - hold him, rock him, bathe him etc. Feed him sweets while on your lap. Rub lotion/vaseline on him after a bath. Also, make sure you do "time ins" rather than time outs when needed. We also talk to our son constantly about his feelings - and bought books that showed emotions to help him identify his. We always ask "how do you feel about that?", and try to never diminish anything he says about how he feels even if his answer is really silly. We also had a community worker help us with talking about feelings with him.

We have come a long way with our son, but still have a long way to go. I wish we had of known to catch it earlier, that really would have helped us a lot.

Good luck!

[praying4rlittl1]

Wow Rachel, that sounds a lot like Emilee. Do you remember how subtle she was in all the things she did? Not wanting eye contact, not wanting to "cuddle in", being overly "nice",...etc, etc.

I can only tell you what we did. Em still has times with Jac home now that she will do things "under the radar". She is a quiet rager, that's for sure, so I'm faster now to watch for things and quicker to address them head on.

I rocked her forever (and just started again last night by the way). It was not pleasant at first because she would twist so that she didn't have to cuddle or look at me. She learned to be held, but it did take a lot of time and perserverance.

I also time-in'd her. She would need to either sit in a chair right by me in the kitchen or be by me. The thing with her though, was that she would do things on the sly and would appear to be happy. I really had to watch it.

I also sat her on my lap for meals and I did feed her off and on. But I think having her sit on my lap "forced" her to accept care from me in a very personal way. I carried her as much as I could, but a lot of times that wasn't practical. I also was the only one to do her essential care for months and months and months. Everything, just me and her.

Now, another thing with Emilee was that I was the only one she was like this with. And it was so subtle that at first even dh didn't acknowledge it. It was just all these little, silent ways of trying to "push" me away and keep her distance from me. I knew in my heart something was "off" but like you, it took me awhile to see that this "easy" child was just not attaching quite right. It's been a long road, but I can tell you this kid is pretty solidly attached today.

PM me anytime ok?

[atouchofheaven]

don't know if you've heard this already. but there is a great website about attachment and what to do.

A4everFamily.org - HOME

[hrisme]

There are two types of attachment disorders, inhibited and disinhibited. Disinhibited is the type that is usually addressed, because the behavior issues are so extreme. But inhibited attachment issues can be just as severe, and just as harmful, and it sounds very much like this may be what your son is experiencing. I am an adoptee (adopted as an infant) and had insecure attachment patterns with inhibited traits, nobody picked up on it until adulthood, when I was diagnosed with a personality disorder. Early treatment can make a HUGE difference.

Personally, I love Becky Bailey's "I Love You" rituals. As others have indicated, use of time ins is better than time outs, which can be seen as rejecting. If your child is open to it "reparenting" and allowing your child to regress can be helpful, but I don't reccomend forcing your child if they are not willing. I also don't advocate many traditional forms of "attachment therapy", because of the high risk of misuse and the tendancy to create a "trauma bond" rather than a healthy emotional attachment (I recognize there are others on this site that feel differently, that's their right).