[Erin_1712]

The boy I am adopting is 2.5. I will be his 4th mom. he was completely neglected by his bio mom when she OD'd when he was 3 months and died foster care took him and became a crib baby with no stimulation. His bio aunt took him in when he was six months and has had him ever since. She has no interest in having this child besides providing his most basic needs she has done nothing else.(She will not give him a kiss goodbye if he wants one she will push him away.) His attachment symptoms are rages, indiscriminant affection, and little eye contact. Because I want to be prepared when he is moved to our house (hopefully within the week) I have research alot. I have chosen these things to do to help his bonding.

1. Trying to keep visitors away. I run a daycare in my home so that will be hard but I will limit his exposure to other adults. No grandparents for a week or two until we get a schedule.
2. No-hold policy. Nobody picks him up except me or my dh. Until further notice.
3. Regression feeding and bottling. He sleeps much better through the night if he has a book read and then the lights out and a bottle of milk curled up like an infant. Also feeding him his food even though he can do it himself. I read somewhere this was good to promote a bond and gives you lots of eye contact time.
4. Co-bathtime. So that there can be more skin on skin contact.

My problem with this is not my dh he is totally on board. Partly because as first time parents he is alittle shy of children and their care and feels this will get him "off of the hook" for awhile. My problem is my mother. Simple as that. Today when I told he what was going to be happening she said "dont be an idiot. Treat him normally, if you treat him special he will get problems." When I told her about babies being "worn" she said "well that is a baby and people are foolish" I tried to explain and told her that I have put as much time into researching this as a partime job she said I did not kow what I was talking about. The conversation regressed to a "yes, treat him normally" and "no, I am doing these things" yes no yes no yes no fight where I just shut the conversation down and walked away. I know you can not make people learn and believe the way you want them to but she is the grandma we were not worried about. Now I do not even want to even think about telling my dh's mom. I have gone on some sites to find resourses that support me but I cannot find a good one and most sites talk about babbies, toddlers or older kids that are 7 and up. And I know she will argue he is not a baby or toddler so it doesn't matter. But if she does not get with the program she will not see him until I feel the no-hold policy is not needed anymore. Which could be a while.

[rubymama]

I recently received my monthly newsletter from Heather Forbes, author of Beyond Consequences, Logic and Control. I know you haven't mentioned that you're planning to follow this approach, but I thought there might be information that will help you. I wish you the best.

Q: I need a quick way to explain to my elderly parents what is meant by "Parenting Beyond Consequences." They don't seem to understand the way I'm parenting and are quite critical of me. They aren't interested in the neuroscience or the brain research. They're simply coming from the old school of the basics, so any help you have would be appreciated!


A:

Beyond Consequences can be a difficult concept to understand and to "wrap your brain around" when you've been living in a more traditional mindset for years, even generations. Love is about meeting people where they are and respecting their perspectives. Understanding that your parents are looking through the lens of the "old school" is the first place to start. From such a point of reference, this model is sometimes interpreted as if you're coddling or babying your child. The following explanation is written in more general terms in order to help a grandparent, relative, or anyone, begin to make a shift. Remember to be patient; you're shifting an entire paradigm for living!

Children need unconditional love and unconditional acceptance from their parents; we all know this and believe this. However, do we ever stop to consider how so many of the traditional parenting techniques accepted in our culture work contrary to this primal goal? Traditional parenting techniques that involve consequences, controlling directives, and punishment are fear-based and fear-driven. They have the ability to undermine the parent-child relationship and because they are tied into behavior, children easily interpret these actions to mean, "If I'm not good, I am not lovable." Thus, children often build a subconscious foundation that says that love and approval is based off of performance.

Parenting from a love-based paradigm means going beyond our children's behavior and beyond consequences to first see that negative behavior is a form of communication and that negative behavior is a response to stress. If we see the kicking and screaming child as one who is having difficulty regulating due to an overflow of feelings, we can learn to stay present with the child in order to help him modulate these feelings and thus, help him to build his emotional regulatory system. A child kicking and screaming or in a rage is a child who has been "emotionally hijacked." Emotions are not logical or rational; this hitting and kicking is the body's natural fear reaction gone awry.

Allowing a child emotional space to safely dissipate this energy will then allow him to calm down. As we provide reassurance, unconditional love, and emotional presence for our children, the need to kick and scream will disappear. Many times our children kick and scream simply because they do not feel that they are being listened to nor do they feel as if they have been heard. Staying present and reassuring a child that you really are listening to him, can be enough to help them begin to regulate. The life lesson that kicking and screaming is inappropriate does indeed need to be reinforced. But, this life lesson can only happen once the child is fully regulated (when the child is calm) and his cognitive thinking is intact. This is also the time to present alternatives to kicking and screaming. This is a way of teaching our children instead of punishing them. The definition of discipline is to teach.

The more we can stay focused on the relationship with our child and strengthening this relationship instead of controlling it through consequences, the more we will be helping our child learn to work through their stress appropriately. Below are four pointers to help you stay in a loving and emotionally open place for your children:

1. Just Be Happy!-But I'm not! Did anyone ever tell you, "Just think happy thoughts and it will be okay."? Did it really work? Probably not. Emotions do not simply disappear. If feelings are not released and acknowledged, they are stored and become part of our physical make-up. Research has convincingly shown that being able to express feelings like anger and grief can improve survival rates in cancer patients. With our children, feelings that become stored and "stuffed" become activators for negative behaviors.

2. ALL Feelings are Good Feelings - As parents, it is important for us to understand the necessity of emotional expression, both in teaching it to our children and in modeling it to our children. Blocked feelings can inhibit growth, learning, and the building of a trusting relationship between the parent and child. The first step to take is to recognize that ALL emotions are healthy. In our culture, feelings such as joy, peace, and courage are seen as good feelings, yet feelings such as sad, mad, and scared are seen as bad feelings. Let's rethink this to understand that it is not the feeling itself that creates negativity; it is the lack of expression of the feeling that creates negativity. And in children, this negativity is often expressed through poor behaviors.

3. Getting to the Core of the Behavior - When children are acting out and being defiant, we need to begin to understand that their behaviors are simply a communication of an emotional state that is driving these behaviors. If we simply address the behavior, we miss the opportunity to help children express and understand themselves from a deeper level. Start by modeling basic feeling words to your child. Keep it simple and teach the five basic feeling words: sad, mad, bad, scared, and happy. Even the youngest of children can learn to say, "I'm mad!" When the toddler is throwing his toys or the teenager is throwing his backpack across the room, encourage him at that moment to get to the core of the behavior through emotional expression. Remember…it really isn't about the toys or the backpack; and they really do know better than to do the negative behaviors.

4. Responding vs. Reacting - So the next time your child becomes defiant, talks back, or is simply "ugly" to you, work to be in a place not to react to the behavior, but respond to your child. Respond to your child in an open way-open to meeting him in his heart and helping him understand the overload of feelings that are driving the behaviors. He doesn't need a consequence or another parental directive at that moment; he just needs you to be present with him. As your children learn to respond back to you through the parent-child relationship, they won't have the need to communicate through negative behaviors anymore. You'll both have more energy for each other, building a relationship that will last a lifetime.

[mom2jen]

I read your posting and I want to say I feel for you. My husband and I also adopted a child with R.A.D. and I will tell you no one understood our position except other foster and adoptive parents we knew that had lived with it as well. Others may never understand or even respect the different things that you have to do with that particular child because they have never lived with it. This could be just the beginning of being mis-understood but you do what you got to do in the best interest of your child,that is why he is with you and not with them. Stay strong and be encouraged.

[Erin_1712]

how do you know if you need to have time ins (holding) or time outs

[stevenstwin]

With an attachment disordered child, especially such a young one, I think it should ALWAYS be time ins and no time outs. Isolation doesn't teach them a thing - it just lets them withdraw further.

[Erin_1712]

I wrote the grandparents and great grandparents a letter. Stating what we were doing how they can help (no holding policy) and if they did not like it or understand it to ask questions only if they wanted to learn about things and not be judgemental and if they did not like it well they can stay away until they are ready to accept things. Well it is not stated like that it sounds much nicer. I do have the support of my sister who lives 8 hours away she adopted two siblings who have RAD and she understands me which feels good to be understood by someone you know.