[Sissy22]

i've had a 9 yr old respite kiddo for 3 days was supposed to take him back today foster mom changed mind ? he's sobbing his heart out any ideas ?

[lucyjoy]

Foster mom decided not to ever take him back or just not yet? Timing and reason would dictate what I'd do.

If this was a longer term foster placement that decided not to ever take him back, then acknowledge his grief and comfort him if he'll let you. Tell him it's okay for him to be angry, sad and hurt and it was not the right thing for this person to do.

If she just delayed picking him up, explain to him the reason.

If she left him for a short time because he's being a snot, tell him bummer and give him chores.

The motivation behind the behavior makes a difference as to how to approach it. If it's truely a loss, it's good that he's grieving it, though horrid that he has to. If it's short term behavior driven, he needs to learn to change the behavior. If it's just life circumstances and the mom couldn't get him until another day-crisis or something, then explain to the kiddo and do something fun to take his mind off of things.

[Sissy22]

ok thanks she actually decided to give him another chance because he called caseworker crying so he did go back, however foster mom was just going to leave him here w/o saying goodbye etc (because of something he did be havior wise) and he's been there for almost 2 yrs and she was going to keep his sister ! is it just me or is this a horrible horrible way to treat a little boy ? I can't believe they were just goona drop him here w/o saying anything to him !

[lucyjoy]

I'm glad she decided to come back for him. Although what she was planning sounds like a terrible thing to do, and in the end she didn't do it, I would bet there is a lot more to the story. Most of us don't need respite when life with a child is wonderful. Maybe she was worn out and at the end of her rope, not thinking clearly, and felt she just couldn't parent this child one more day-I've been there.

The incident you heard about was probably minor but may have been the 7000th time he'd done it that week.

Glad things worked out and hopefully, the placement will get better.

[Lorraine123]

You can't judge the foster parent because you don't know what the behavior was. Even a 9 year old can have extreme behaviors. I would speculate that it is something that she cannot handle. She should have said good bye, but maybe she was not able to.

[Sissy22]

your both right we've had 9 yr olds hospitalized before for violent rages and i don't know him or them so i have no clue how bad or often he was acting up for them I was just venting this morning because i'm the 1 who had to tell him the people who've taken care of him for 2 yrs weren't going to come get him i just hope it works out for all of them !

[Lorraine123]

What a tough position you were put in. I can't imagine having to tell a child something like that. I am glad the foster mom changed her mind. Maybe in the heat of moment she felt that she couldn't go on, but after a cooling down period, she changed her mind.

[lilraskels]

Poor little guy! Did you let him call his foster mom to hear her voice? To reassure him she will come get him. Did she give you any idea when she would come get him?
I had kids before in respite and the foster mom wouldn't call and check on them so I would call and tell her hey so in so is up set talk to her so she feels better...
Hope this helps...

[Sissy22]

i took him to the agency she said she"d pick him up there they never called back so i"m assuming he got home ok it was awful being in the middle !

[athikers]

I can understand not being able to cope with a child any longer... but to not tell them? After two years? Whoah. That's awful, in my book.

[Sissy22]

yeah mine too i can't sleep thinking about it

[Kansas Girl]

Originally Posted by athikers

I can understand not being able to cope with a child any longer... but to not tell them? After two years? Whoah. That's awful, in my book.

ditto. Our son went through multiple foster placements - a lot of times he would come home from school, there'd be a paper bag of clothes and DCS waiting for him....no explanations, goodbyes or anything. Just one more abandonment issue we had to work through! I'm sure R contributed to the disruption of the placement, but he sure didn't deserve to be abandoned all over again.

Fran

[lilraskels]

Sometimes the actions of others can make us wonder. Reality he is just a child. They are so broken when they come into care. They do not need the extra drama. I know they can be hard to handle but we are aware of this. I could understand if it endangered other children in your home but either the CW or the FM owed that child at that age somewhat of an explination. Don't yall think?

[lucyjoy]

She came back to get him.

I think I wasn't in this mom's shoes and I don't know why she felt the way she did. I do know I said very little to my son on the way to drop him at the group home and very little before I left. He knew why he was there. I had nothing left to give him at that point.

I also have a son who was very traumatized by being lied to by a pre adoptive placement about going on a picnic and then got dropped at the shelters door. I am horrified by that-but I think the worker should have stepped in to help and obviously didn't. The family likely feared what my son would do if they told him the truth-and rightly so.

It would be much more helpful to think of ways to support parents at then end of their rope then to string them up on the tree cause they messed up.

[Kansas Girl]

why can't they be told the truth - at a level they can understand of course. There is already such craziness (and so many lies) in their lives - why can't the adults in their lives address the issue headon?

Lucy, when you had to put your son in RTC I'm sure you had communicated many times over where he stood.....how much he chose to believe of your messages along the way, who knows. Somewhere the communication was missing in Sissy's situation - why couldn't the foster mom at least told her a little bit of what was going on and why they needed respite?

When we disrupted on R's sister, A, when she left she knew exactly why she was leaving, why she couldn't live in our family, and that we still loved her and would always be praying for her and thinking of her. Granted, how much of that she believed is one thing but you never know what these children will hold onto and how our words (good or bad) will impact them.

Fran