[neenasee]

My son was adopted at 10 months old and I am worried that he has attachment issues. I need some opinions. Here are the things that concern me. Please tell me if I am overreacting.
1. Cries when I leave to go out without him
2. Cries at bedtime that he wants me to sleep with him (although I haven't given in)
3. Cried when I changed the pictures on his wall that he (misses his old pictures). He cried for weeks at bedtime over this even though he wanted me to change the theme of his room from dinosaurs to cars which we did.
4. Cries and screams when I drop him off at school.
and this is the new thing which REALLY got me wondering.
I have always been up from with him about his adoption. He asked me a few months ago if he was "in my belly" I told him that another lady in Guatemala had him in her belly for me and then when he was born I came to get him. WELL, the last time I got mad at him because he was throwing a tantrum over something silly he started to scream and cry "I miss my old mommy" "I want to go back to Guatemala" When I went in his room and held him he was so hysterical he could barely breath saying "I miss my old Mommy SOOOOOO much". I never used the term "old or other mommy". I was so surprised to hear this from a 4 year old. Should this worry me? What should I do? How do I react? and will this get worse? I really need some input/advice.
Thank you
Nina

[Tuppy]

Neenasee,

I think you will get tons of help if you re-post this on the special needs forum!

Tup

[whoownsthis]

Sorry to butt in here, but thought I'd offer my take since nobody else has answered, yet...

It seems your little guy is highly anxious. I'm curious, is he reluctant (even fearful) to try anything new (foods, games, learning new things, etc.)? Our 8-yr-old is diagnosed with anxiety disorder (many children who suffered neglect and/or abuse are) and used to be awful about anything new....Wouldn't try to learn how to swing at the park (afraid she'd fall?), wouldn't go down the slide, wouldn't learn how to spell her new name (she was 6 at the time), wouldn't go near the baby end of the pool (even with a lifejacket, arm floaties, and a ring floatie!), and even wouldn't step out into the sprinkles of rain to feel them on her face (I tried to coax her out to join her sibs, pushing gently, and she screamed, dropped to the floor and flailed)! My child clearly had anxiety!!!

Our therapist encouraged us to "challenge" her with games that would be fun and engaging, and we'd be able to wait on her without getting angry (during therapy) and delight in HER rather than just her successes. Turns out she's also a "perfectionist/anxious-controller." For example, we fold a newspaper and encourage her to "karate chop it!" then praise her when she breaks through the paper. As a group we also sit in a circle and "challenge" her to hit a balloon in the air without letting it fall to the ground, BUT, she has to follow our directions ("Hit it gently....OK, hit it hard!.......Now gently......Now hard!"). That way she's learning to follow our lead--an attachment thing, AND she's seeing that she can meet a challenge and succeed. Then we all giggle and high five each other so that the game is FUN even though each of us managed to drop the balloon once in a while.

Anyway, in your case, obviously your little guy can't consciously remember his birthmom if you adopted him at 10 months. However, it sounds as if he "misses" a feeling of security/safety. Something is triggering him and he needs to feel safe. I'd encourage you to play the attachment games with him (they're a "sticky" post at the top of the attachment thread, I think) and Google "TheraPlay" to find specifics for "Challenge" (challenging a reluctant/anxious child). Finding an attachment therapist would be helpful, too, of course.

Best of luck!

[crick]

Doesn't sound like attachment issues...sounds like a bit of fear associated with "I didn't grow in you but you are my mom and I don't understand everything that happened and it worries me you'll go away" realization.

Sounds like he needs reassurance and more reassurance.
Often when kids start to put the pieces together about adoption, it's scary and sad for them. So testing, lashing out or grieving can be really normal.

[hophock]

The things that you are describing can absolutely be signs of an attachment problem...in this case, "anxious attachment" which is one subcategory. It can also be indicative of PTSD/trauma issues...but both trauma issues and anxious attachment are related and part of the early transitions/moves that your son would have experienced.
Have you read a4everfamily.org? A lot of parents on there have posted stories similar to that of your son. You may find some help there...and, if nothing else, know that this is not unusual and you are NOT ALONE!

My son also came home as a baby and was quite anxious. We did (successfully!) treat him with the help of an attachment therapist. Do you have someone local that you could consult with?