[tallgibb]

Hello,

We've just adopted our second child, dd and this time it was a toddler adoption (she's 20.5m) 1st time was infant adoption (3 days old). I am finding it so differnet and HARD (thought I totally knew it would be, but to be feeling it now...yikes!).
I realized it's not all about her attaching to us, but also us attaching to her. She's been pretty cranky and winy, and screams anytime dd (33m) comes near her if she is playing with a toy. It's so hard when she is fussying and we can't help. Our first daughter has never been much of a cryer, so the crying fussing is waying on us. I'm sure some of it is typical 20m behaviour and of course alot to do with the recent placement, AND took her to the Dr. today and she has an ear infection as well.
I know I sound like a bad mom that I am not loving her to bits right off the bat, but it's so hard when they are not what you are use to. (That is probably what she is thinking too!)
Any suggestions? or anybody go thru anythign similar?

[angelkisses0102]

You are not a bad mom...attachment is a two way street and a process...sometimes a long process.

My best advice is what got me through the first 6 months with my DS...FAKE IT UNTIL YOU MAKE IT!

Do lots of attachment activities...they will help both of you. Also, someone suggested this to me while we were suffering with DS's attachment issues...find one thing you like about your child each day. It may be something simple...or something like looking at her while she is sleeping. And trust me I used my son FINALLY sleeping on many, many days initially. I used a sling constantly but he was much younger...only 8 months old when we brought him home...but I used it until he was 3! (He is a skinny guy-thankfully.)

Good luck and hang in!

[randloar]

First off, you are not a bad mom for feeling the way you are feeling. This is a very different situation than your first child, and sounds likes its still pretty new.

Give it more time, hang in there, and see how things go over the next few months as the ear infection goes away (that can be so painful and make them soooo fussy/whiny), and you have more of a chance to bond/attach a little more.

For us, we brought home both our kiddos at the same time (13 months,girl; and 32 month, boy) early this year......let me just say as a new/firsttime mom, it has been a long year, and sometimes I catch myself saying 'why did we do this to ourselves'? Feels horrible to admit it, but its true. I wouldn't change a thing, but its been a very hard 7 months home, and my friends with bio kids really don't understand.

We have really had to work to break through to our little girl. She woulndn't make eye contact with us when feeding or any sort of distress, so, once we were ready (it took about 1.5 months of settling before we started), we starting the eye contact while I fed her a bottle (laying back in my arms). She would scream like crazy at first when our eyes met, but slowly she settled into it, and then stopped sleeping at night.....to us a sign she was needing us when she felt most vulnerable and when we could cuddle her without her having to look at us..........we did it, and she came out of that within 6 weeks.....long weeks I might add!!

My point is that as much as we 'knew' it would be hard, there was no way for us to prepare for what we have encountered........and it took us several months to settle in and really figure out what the kids needed (that balanced with what we could give) to get them to start to see that we are here for them forever. And our attaching/bonding was not instant with either child, we thought they were both adorable, and knew we were bringing them home with us for sure, but the true attaching for both DH and I has been a progressive thing.....maybe thats partially due to the extra stress of two at once and being pulled so much two directions at once..........but, we now can say we love our kiddos without thinking about it (bonded!, yeah!!!), but still have some ways to go on the attachment part, as do they..........its a process for most, not necessarily instant.........

We do cuddle/rock/hold our toddler boy in baby position and give him a bottle (sippy cup) that way whenever he is up for it..........along with the eye contact stuff........he loves it and calms down a lot after we take the time with him.........even though he seems too old for it, he never got it, so it really could help your child as well! Either way, hang in there, and don't be too tough on yourself, this is a tough adjustment for all involved!!!

[mama2-8]

Hang in there, it will come I promise. It takes time. You don't know her, and she doesn't know you. When you get to know the real child you will see yourself bonding and attatching just as you have done with your first child. The first few months will take some getting used to as you learn each other, but the first time you hear her call you mommy your gonna melt!!!!

The Journey

[athikers]

Some kids are HARDER to love, plain and simple. With my first foster placement I loved my 2 y.o. almost instantly... it took MONTHS with my 10 y.o.

With my current placements, Pixie was again almost instantaneous, Teeter took a few weeks because I was scared of all his medical issues for awhile and I can't say that I really LOVE Big Sis yet. I care for her, I want what's best for her... but like your kiddo, she screams, she throws tantrums, she's mean to the babies... etc. So, she's just not that easy to love. I don't feel shame in saying that, as its just the truth. I do know that if she stays (I'm foster-adopt, not straight adopt) I will grow to love her more all the time. She's been here two months... sometimes it takes awhile.

[ajjhmf]

I don't think some kids are harder to love, but I think they make themselves seem that way. The basis of all attachment is self worth. If a child believes that he or she is not worthy to be kept or loved then when you try, they will certainly push you away. Very, very hard.

One of the other moms (AmyAnne I think, check the SN board for the actual quote) asked her attachment disordered son what advice he would give to a new foster or adoptive parent. He said to give their kids hugs. Lots and lots of hugs. And if they fight, hug them harder and more. And the harder they fight, the more they need the hug.

Yes, fake it till you make it and know that they are doing this not because they are mean or bad kids, but because they believe in their heart of hearts that they aren't worthy of being loved or cared for and you, like everyone else in their short lives, is just going to walk out on them too.

[marykath]

Sounds like us when our daughter was placed with us at 17 months. She screamed (not regular crying - shrill screaming!) all her waking moments for weeks. Very hard, especially when your first child (we also adopted our first as an infant) was so different. She hit, she pinched, she threw her food, all while screaming at the top of her lungs.
For the first year or so, I would tell my husband, "I love her, but I don't like her."
You are not a bad mom! It is tough to love a difficult child instantly.
I am sure you are doing all the things you are supposed to do to attach (rocking, bottle-feeding, carrying/wearing, etc.). So did we, and - very slowly - it got better. It took a good 12 months, though.
Some things that helped us: Warm baths w/ mom; swimming in the warm pool at the YMCA; constant holding; holding while giving a sippy.
Now that I look back on it, surviving the first year was the hardest thing I have done in my life. The problem was I expected it to be just like raising my first daughter at that age. But all kids, especially those who have experience trauma, are different. There is no norm. I hope this helps.

[o2b30again]

I am not trying to sound like I know what I am talking about but I don't think this is completely about her being an adopted toddler. Does she speak any words yet? If not or if it very few I would think that he lack of speech is why she is screaming. I do childcare and most of my 16-24m olds scream when something isn't right...in their opinion. This is their way of communicating. They cannot express there emotions by saying...I'm mad, hungry, cranky or something hurts in my ear. They scream. I have 2 kids right now that are constantly screaming. Drives you to the breaking point. As soon as their speaking skills improve the screaming usually curbs...thank goodness. Hope all goes well.

[o2b30again]

I am not trying to sound like I know what I am talking about but I don't think this isn't completely about her being an adopted toddler. Does she speak any words yet? If not or if it very few I would think that he lack of speech is why she is screaming. I do childcare and most of my 16-24m olds scream when something isn't right...in their opinion. This is their way of communicating. They cannot express there emotions by saying...I'm mad, hungry, cranky or something hurts in my ear. They scream. I have 2 kids right now that are constantly screaming. Drives you to the breaking point. As soon as their speaking skills improve the screaming usually curbs...thank goodness. Hope all goes well.

[atouchofheaven]

i agree with many here. fake it till you make it! my son was placed at 14 months and he is now 20 months. we went through a lot of what has been mentioned so far. screaming for no reason, fighting, hitting, kicking, pushing me away when i held him, whiny, cranky, etc.

now he is a very happy, well-adjusted, loving toddler. he is spirited and always will be, but so much better than when we began. and i held him ALL the time. especially when he cried, had tantrums, and would push me. i just held him tighter and tighter. look up attachment parenting and follow the advice of others on here.

believe me, i used to think there was something seriously wrong with my son. but he has moved past it. and keep telling yourself and others you love her so much and before you know it, you will really mean it! really, she will grow on you. good luck and keep at it!

[qs mom]

If you're a bad mom, I'm the worst. I told my sister "He's going back!" When she told me I couldn't do that - I very loudly replied "OH YES I CAN!!"

My son didn't cry. He learned not to, no came to care for him if he did, so why waste the energy? I babied every little boo-boo. I rocked him to sleep, facing me. He fought, he didn't like it. But, he'd wear himself out, and rest his head on my shoulder. I slept in his room. He had never slept alone before. As soon as he made a noise in the night, I was at his side. He started to realize that I was there for him. He could trust me.

I kissed him on the cheek, gentle little kisses. I sang to him and rocked him. He started to trust me. He would wake up in the middle of the night, look to see if I was on the floor and go right back to sleep. He was just checking up on me. One day, we were sitting on the floor, playing. He came over to me and gave me gentle kisses on my cheek, just like I had been giving him. Now, he runs at me, tackles me and kisses me all over the face! And a loud, smaking kisses on the lips!

The first time HE kissed me, I was totally in love with him! Up to that point, I was in love with "I'm mom". It wasn't real until he kissed me.

[lvjaybe]

My son is 22.5 mos old and we have had him for almost 3.5 months now. Although we only have custody of him...long story, we hope to adopt him in the future...anyway,

He has had a very difficult time bonding/attatching to me. Some days I want to pull out all my hair, but some days I am in awe of how far we have come in just a few short months.

This was our good night the other night and I thought I would melt with love and happiness...

" Night son, I love you." (as DH took him to bed)
" Nig, uv oooo, mommy"

He has never said those words to me, repeated them to DH but never to me. It was by far the best mommy momment I have had yet!
We have been practicing alot of the attatchment activities I have read about on here and other sites. I am so glad I found out about all of this and actually use it! At first I was skeptical, but the more I read the more I realized that it made sense. We have a ways to go but the rewards are becoming so great it makes me want to push on with even more vigor!

No one here is a bad mommy...especially not you! I hope that you give yourself a break and be kind to yourself, before you know it the icky part will all be behind you and you'll have this glorious little person all stuck to you like glue!
Good luck, you great mommy you!

[tallgibb]

Just wanted to give a quick update.

Things are a bit better, well more than a bit I guess, but not quite 'alot', lol!

She is talking alot more, thanks to her sister, and I think that helps. Talking to other Mom's it's quite an age thing for the screaming. I re-read the question responses I got from foster-mom and there were a handfull of times where she commented on screaming/screeching, crying more than usual, temper ect. I guess we didn't really read those parts. So in re-reading that we felt comforted in that it is a bit personality. She is just a different personality/child than #1 (ahh duh!). We are seeing more of her 'issues' being closer to meal time (she's hungry) or bed/nap time (tired) like tonight she wanted to go to bed with out her bath, she just keep saying 'night night'. So really it's all just a learning curve of your child.

I also saw a counslor a few times and it was good to talk to her (first time in my life) and to have someone reconize that there has been alot of 'stressers' in my life. (not just me thinking I couldn't handle things)

So that's the scoop, now we are just waiting to see if #3 works out or not (due March 16th). Now THAT will be a whole other post if we add a new baby to the mix.