[angelsunday]

DH and I have been the foster parents to two toddler boys (1/2 brothers) who are 3 and 2 years old. The boys were removed from their biomom's care in March of this year. They came to live with us in July- we are their sixth placement (not counting several respite "placements"). The boys biomom's TPR trial was Monday and she lost her parental rights. The case focused on the severe neglect of the boys- the social worker stated that in her 30 years as a social worker she had never seen boys so neglected and so delayed developmentally.
The good news is that since the boys have been with us they have both made remarkable progress. The three year old came to us as a little boy who had no idea what it meant to be a little boy- lots of autistic like behaviors (especially self injurous behavior-head banging, biting himself etc), aggression issues, did not know how to use eating utensils, not toliet trained, did not speak except to mimic or echo what someone else said, did not know how to play, and did not sleep through the night. The two year old (he just turned 2 a couple of weeks ago, so he was 21 months then) was completely disconnected, did not interact with anyone, was fascinated with turning light switches on and off and could focus on that activity for 30 minutes or more if not interrupted.
Truthfully, we spent the first two weeks just trying to keep them safe and keep our pets and us safe!!!
Now, the three year old is talking, walking better (severe fine and gross motor delays), is able to use eating utensils with some proficiency, potty trained in three days (!!!), is able to undress and dress himself with minimal assistance, has not displayed any aggression towards himself or others in well over two months- truly an amazing little guy who is a joy to be around! Of course, he is getting a lot of PT, OT, Speech, and is in a Early Childhood Developmental Delay classroom two days a week. Nothing we can do about his flat head, but he does have braces on his feet now to help him walk.
The two year old is also doing better...much more interactive, starting to use some speech, is walking better with the braces on his feet, using a fork an spoon, off the bottle....still lots of raging temper tantrums and still wanting to self stim a lot...but much better.
My question is this: what is their risk for attachment disorder? Also, what can we do to help faciliate attachment with both boys? They are likely to be here a long time (fathers parental rights still need to be terminated) and we do hope to adopt them...but since both boys are members (or eligible to be members) of a native american tribe, ICWA applies.
We have been rocking both boys to sleep at night...they are starting to relax and it is not taking nearly as long as it did before we started rocking...but neither boy likes to make eye contact and neither boy likes to be held unless it is on their terms...
now there is some indication that biomom held them down and screamed in their faces a LOT, as well as forced them to look at her by grabbing their heads and their ears...so their aversion to eye contact is understandable...but we are still concerned with attachment. Especially since the three year old will literally walk away with anyone who smiles at him.....I constantly have to watch him when we are out and about as if someone smiles at him, he will follow them wherever they go (he once tried to follow a young mom and her kids out the door at Burger King).
We have never fostered before, and previous to accepting these boys we have been on a waiting list to adopt internationally for over a year, so we are very inexperienced when it comes to foster care and foster adopt.(long story, desperate phone call from distant relative who is their SW who had no where to place these guys as none of their placements were working out due to their needs and behavior problems). However, six moves in 4 months seems to me a big red flag for attachment issues, especially in light of the neglect and abuse they suffered in their biomom's home (she basically strapped them into baby carriers, car seats, or locked them in a room most of the time).
If you have stuck with me through this long rambling post, I would certainly appreciate any advice or suggestions you might have....
angelsunday
foster mom to Hoss, 3 years old and Little Joe, 2 years old

[momraine]

They are at huge risk, however they are also very young. I would find an attachment therapist as soon as possible to start working with them and helping you, also start reading up on it. Wow for a first time parent you are doing amazingly well with two difficult kids. They were lucky to be placed with you. You might also visit the special needs board, it gets more traffic and so you might get more ideas. Welcome aboard!

[Bippette]

I agree with Lorraine. They are at huge risk for issues. Two of my kids came to me at the same ages. They were not so severely neglected and still had pretty significant attachment issues.

Try to find an Attachment Therapist if they have one in your area. Many traditional therapists do not understand attachment issues.

You are doing a great job. I can tell you that the rewards are sooo awesome once the little ones finally build that bond with you. You have a long hard road, but its worth it.

Mine are 8 and 9 now.

[lucyjoy]

They are extremely high risk for attachment problems but that's not the death sentence it often sounds like.

The rocking is good.

With kids that small, plant yourself on the floor in the middle of their environment and play. That puts you at eye level, makes you more approachable and thus feel safer.

Play peek a boo, hide and seek, sing silly songs and dance around. Play ring around the rosy-anything to encourage positive touch and causes them to look at you. Be sure, even when you're tired or angry that you try hard to use loving eyes when looking at them.

Drive by hug them-a lot. alternate between popping chocolate kisses in their mouths and kissing their cheeks.

And while it's not popular nowdays, I do hold little children when their angry and let them get to a point where they will let me comfort them. You might want to read Martha Welch's "Holding Time". I think kids fear touch and it's important for them to learn early that not all touch hurts and that they can share their pain. They need to learn that sharing that pain leads to comfort and the best place to learn that, in my opinion, is in the arms of the person who loves them the most-usually mom or dad.

[angelkisses0102]

Yes they are very high risk be attachment disordered. I would find a qualified attachment therapist ASAP.

I used Holding Time for my AD then toddler son...it is one of the things that did help heal him.

These two sites have lots of great attachment info...regardless of the fact that they are directed at international adoption...attachment is attachment.
A4everFamily.org - HOME
Attach-China

I will suggest lots of regression...lots of babying. Personally I would lose the potty training and diaper them both...if at all possible. They need to be the babies they were never allowed to be. My son was adopted at 8 months old but because of the struggle to attach...even his babyhood with us was strained...he didn't enjoy it. So we allowed him to be a baby...he had a bottle until he was about 3.5 years old...he just stopped using his pacifier, he was not out of diapers until 3.8 years old. I kept him in a carrier until he was about 3. Just a few examples of what we did.

Even now...he will ask me to baby him...feed him, swaddle him, sing baby songs...when he needs it.

Good luck!

[angelsunday]

Thanks, both for the advice and the support. I have inquired about an attachment therapist with the mental health agency that has Hoss' case and was told by his case worker that we should just give him time, he is so young he will forget everything that happened etc. When I mentioned my concerns about his climbing into strangers laps for hugs, following complete strangers in stores etc, she suggested that we enroll him in a "stranger danger awareness" playgroup with other preschoolers. Not the help that I was hoping to receive. The boys' CW was more receptive to my concerns, but said that there are no attachment therapists in the area (no big surprise, given where we live) and that we should "wait awhile" and see if he "grows out of it" (in regards to the walking off with strangers, climbing into their laps) as the poor boy is so starved for affection due to his neglect and abuse....
My family pretty much takes the same line as the mental health worker....and warn me that rocking him, babying him, etc is going to "spoil" him and his brother. I talked to them about attachment and that this is not "normal" behavior when you consider their past (my sister dismisses my concerns b/c her daughter at age three was very outgoing with strangers and invited random people over to her house to play whenever they went shopping)-unfortunately, my family blows this information off.
Luckily, DH is on board with all of it and he has read through most of the attachment stuff I have shared with him and is doing a lot of getting on the floor with the boys, play wrestling, play cowboy (riding them on his knee) etc.
We really love these boys (despite, or perhaps b.c of all the work and tears and so on that we have gone through in the last three months) and will take ourselves off the wait list for the international adoption (and lose a ton of money, but who can put a price on a child's life?) if we have a chance to adopt them. But I do not want to get three years down the road and get slapped in the face with RAD behaviors b/c we did not address the red flags we are seeing right now.
Again, thanks for your advice, glad to have this place to share with others who do not blow me off when I bring up these concerns!
Angelsunday

[Kansas Girl]

My AS entered foster care at age 3, was diagnosed with RAD at age 6....didn't get ANY counseling, nothing along the way [actually was a note in his file that the FP wouldn't take him to counseling because it was too far - and he grew up in a major metropolitan area!] - and I believe, very little nurturing, certainly not the baby stuff he needed to catch up on, and was actually abused in more than one foster home. I often think wow, what we could have done with R if we'd been his first foster parents! (he's told us, too, that he wishes we could have been his first foster parents). R was 9 when he came to live with us - very clingy. I always say "skin to win"....appropriately of course. That has been R's biggest craving - skin to skin touch. This may sound extremely silly, even when he was 9 -10 he loved it when I would "blow raspberries" on his stomach - it was a fun mom-son interaction thing.

you have a great opportunity to help these kids with attachment right now....which hopefully will make a big difference for them as they get older.

Fran

[finoni9]

I agree with all above - our 2 yr old fd came to us 8 weeks ago with the beginnings of attachment issues - didn't like to be held, kissed, eye contact - I have spent a lot of time in the rocking chair with her at nap and bedtime - I started with giving her a bottle at bedtime - she could only drink it if I held it and my terms, she was very reluctant to look at me at these times, would try and sit looking away from me, if i tried to rock her like a baby, she would face away from me!

Slowly over the 8 weeks she has began to let me hold her more, hug her kiss her. She lies up my body with her head on my shoulder, still facing away but as time goes on, her head is closer to me and she will let me kiss her head (before she would not at all). She has recently started to enjoy me stroking/scratching her head and will ask for it and has even put herself in the "babe in arms" rocking position a few times and if i lie on the bed with her will let me hold/hug her.

I played lots of baby games when changing her diaper - blowing raspberries on her belly, tickling, lots of eye contacts, peek-a-boo - she laughs like a little baby.

She is clearly attaching more to me than dh and bio son but this is coming too - at first in the morning, she would not hug dh and would cry and cling to me if he tried to hug or kiss her, now she voluntarily goes to him for hugs in the morning.

If you can do AT please do it - we don't have that resource in the UK

Shower these kids with love and the AT will help them loads and at such a young age they have a chance in life!