[MomwithFive]

Does anyone's therapists refer to Daniel Hughes and his philosophies? Any thoughts?

[Kansas Girl]

In my experience, Daniel Hughes is one of the best.....don't have his book titles with me but each one of them are excellent and very helpful.

[lucyjoy]

Hughes is not one I care for. I find his ideas fail to make the child responsible for any choices and parents get held responsible for everything.

[cpipitone]

I agree with Lucy. I can make a lot of changes to my parenting habits, but if my DD does not learn for herself why she does what she does and the consequences of her behaviors she will continue to have issues. The rest of the world is not going to make the same accomodations as parents are expected to make with some treatment theories.

Classmates, neighbors, friends and extended family members are not going to always consider what trauma she experienced that taught her to act out in survival mode and no one else is going to hug her instead of getting mad or hurt, because that is what she needs. I think his treatment is too one-sided, and probably works best for very young RAD kids--not pre-teens or teens.

[finoni9]

My fd's therapist recommended reading Daniel Hughes - Building The Bonds of Attachment
Awakening Love in Deeply Troubled Children - I read it with fascination as an insight in RAD and I think the thing it helped me most was the attitude of the foster parent - it's hard to do in real life but as much as possible I try not to get angry at my fd and try to keep calm as a lot of the time she wants a reaction !!

[cpipitone]

Well- tomorrow we go to see the local protege of Daniel Hughes. I have very low expectations but that leaves him a large opportunity to maybe impress us. We've been told by a particular agency that since we don't want to see him and we don't want to sedate our DD that we are not trying everything. So tomorrow we see him and at the end of the month we see a new Dr to medicate her.

We just got a new psych eval today and a very strong but reluctant diagnosis for RAD. Very strong! Reluctant because of the limited therapy choices in our area.

Wish us luck for tomorrow. I would LOVE to be plesantly surprised...

[Suebie]

I think Finoni9 has hit the nail on the head. Daniel Hughes is about compassion and empathy for the child and giving the message at all times that the child is lovable despite the aweful behavior. The problem is that as humans, we have human responses to these difficult children. What we have to keep in mind is that Daniel Hughes has limited exposure to each child he sees. He has no emotional investment. It's different than when you are completely vested. But if we can work hard to aim ourselves in his direction, I think we will see our children healing faster than if we simply make them accountable or responsible.

[whoownsthis]

cpipitone,
Just wondering how your meeting with the local "Dan Hughes protege" went. Was it what you were expecting?

We've wasted over a year with a play therapist who TOLD me she was trained in Theraplay (I even emphasized that this was different from play therapy and she agreed). Well, turns out she was indeed talking about play therapy and has kept us out in the waiting room all this time while my kids laugh and have fun, enjoying themselves with her. Her advice to me last night was to "quit being so rigid and structured...lighten up. You're creating anxiety in your children."

So in my opinion, the Dan Hughes dyadic psychotherapy model is exactly what my AD kids need. True, it's incredibly hard to maintain the healing "attitude" (the PLACE: playful, loving, accepting, curious, and empathic) even in the face of outrageous behaviors, but we consequence, too, logically. Just like the character in his book, "Building the Bonds of Attachment" (the worst example was when the child pooed in the hamburger meat the foster mom had left on the table). That parent quickly reinstated the close supervision (Time "Ins") and removed privileges. Of course she also blamed herself for not seeing through the child's fake healing (a great example of "blowing up the bridge" when parent comes halfway across to greet child), and I wouldn't recommend that. It's a human emotion, but we have to remember that we're creating a safe "place" for healing, but it's up to our child to do the hard work.

And when all is said and done, it's true that the child must WANT to change. I would guess (especially from some of your stories) that some children are so severely damaged from early mistreatment that they will never allow healing to take place. I mourn for these children and their families, but at the same time, I hope others will give the methods a try before dismissing them. Spending that one on one time with your child and a trained therapist guiding you is a huge stress relief (especially as a parent), that is if your child wants it and complies...eventually. Ours complied right away, but we would have stuck with it even if she hadn't been so curious and interested in the therapy. Afterall, all of the attention was on her, so it was "neat." However, giving up control in the sessions was difficult for her and that's when we'd see the acting out afterwards and would have to consequence appropriately and "attune" to our child to figure out what she needed at that moment.

[cpipitone]

So last week my DD stated in her session that she lost 12 pounds in a week and insinuated that we don't feed her, saying she only gets one portion at meals, and that she is hungry at lunch. The therapist asked her if she asked for more, did she get it, and she said yes and said that she was fine. He asked what she eats at lunch and she listed 4-5 items, and said she was fine.

She DID NOT lost 12 pounds last week--which by the way was Thanksgiving week and oh yeah - she stayed at my father's for the week because school was out and he watched her for us. We took all sugar out of the house a year ago and I have lost 40 pounds, my son lost 30, my DH lost 20 and she lost 12. AND we took her off all the meds that were making her gain weight. She was OVERWEIGHT a year ago and gorging on foods--eating the lunch we packed and getting another lunch in the cafeteria. She would eat three plates of food at dinner and still claim to be hungry. BIG plates of food.

So, in our first and second session the therapist told us just how terribly damaged she was and that he saw four personalities and that she had a lot of trauma to overcome, but we went in today to find out that he considered calling CPS because she said she lost 12 pounds. He's never weighed her, she is not sickly skinny AT ALL, and he has no proof of neglect but considered calling CPS.

THIS is the support we are getting. THIS is the help we are getting. I am supposed to not get angry, but when I feel that my family is threatened by a LIE from a RAD kid and that someone with authority is prepared to take action on that lie without even ASKING us about it first, this doesn't help anger subside. How can an acclaimed RAD-specialist act on a false accusation like that--especially when she kept ending with "but I'm fine" and when asked clarifying questions she stated that the portions were big and she could have more if she asked for it?

I am not impressed. Not at all.

[Lorraine123]

I would not return to that therapist. Anyone can proclaim themselves a RAD-specialist, but that really means nothing.

Run, don't walk from that therapist. Your daughter will be able to detect the split between you and the therapist, and I could see her triangulation increasing. If the therapist doubts you on things that he could actually see were false, what will happen when your daughter claims abuse on something that can't be proven.

[cpipitone]

That's what we are thinking. Tomorrow is his session with her (today was our session with his associate) and we will both be there. Unless he pulls some miracle out of his pocket, the plan is to hear the session then cancel all future sessions with him and his associate. We will go elsewhere. We are thinking about a neuropathologist. Anybody else have any luck with a neuro?

(Thanks for the support Lorraine!)

[lucyjoy]

If he is planning to see your child without you, Dont GO. Cancel and tell them you'll reschedule and don't.

If your child has her well child checks, the weight complaint to cps would be negated anyway but why put yourself through that? That's insane.

My son complained about not being fed so the psychiatrist weighed him every session. Also told him he didn't look starved to him. This way, everyone's covered.

It's hard enough to parent these kids without having to deal with quacks.

[Kansas Girl]

Originally Posted by whoownsthis

So in my opinion, the Dan Hughes dyadic psychotherapy model is exactly what my AD kids need. True, it's incredibly hard to maintain the healing "attitude" (the PLACE: playful, loving, accepting, curious, and empathic) even in the face of outrageous behaviors, but we consequence, too, logically.

Before your update this evening, I was going to reply to this post....this is the part of Daniel Hughes I really like....it can be an excellent component of therapy - one tool of many. Our current AT uses this approach, but also includes learnings from other attachment experts.

I'm sorry to hear that the appointment didn't go so well. As the AT field grows, unfortunately there are those out there who aren't what they say they are. As our AT (who has twenty years of experience as a marriage & family therapist, plus specific attachment therapy experience) "anyone can hang out a shingle"....

I hope you can find a better therapist.
Fran

[cpipitone]

Oh - there's absolutely no proof--none! We have lots of weigh-ins from Drs. Psychiatrists, the RTC, etc, and photos of her throughout the last two years. She is totally back-peddling saying that is not what she said, she told him she was fine, but I explained to her that the message she intended was received, regardless of what she said. This is the forth time she has pulled something like this but only the first time that someone actually told us they considered calling. And again, this is from someone who knows RAD intimately!! HE is THE recognized RAD specialist in town. The ONLY RAD specialist in town. I heard nothing good about his work with teens but was told that I was "not really trying to help DD" when I refused to see him. I was also told that I was "not really trying to help since I took her off meds and have not re-medicated her." We took her to the new shrink and he did not put her on meds. Said there is no med for RAD. THANK YOU!!!!

I feel so raped by the system. I am so frustrated. The associate tonight actually used the word "neglect" because of the 12 pounds and because she hangs out in her room watching TV. She is 12 - what do other 12 year olds do? "Neglect" because I get angry.

These are therapists numbers 5 and 6, psychiatrist number 3, and psychologist number 2 in two years. NEGLECT?!?!? If we neglected her would we be trying so hard to make this work? The countless hours we've spent reading, researching, filling out forms, driving to therapists and doctors all over a 50+ mile radius, leaving work for sessions, for phone calls, for school meetings, etc. NEGLECT!?!?!? We are begging for help and we get accused of neglect. I could easily quit this all and just go underground with her--seeing no one, just waiting out of time until she grows up and moves out, or runs away, or whatever, but that is not what we are doing. We are allowing all kinds of people to ask us all kinds of questions, we are opening ourselves up and getting analyzed by all kinds of people and trying to find a solution to help DD and to help our family and we are getting no where. Extremely frustrating.

[momraine]

One thing, I would never, ever let her know that it almost worked. Don't let her know the guy beleived her or recieved her message. That will just tell her it will work next time and she will do it again. I learned that one. My son tried the false accusations with a couple of teachers and one friend of mine. However when none of them beleived him and they all told him they did not beleive him he quit. He told me he did not teachers talked to me and that he didn't know they talked to each other. He told me that they did not do that at his old school and worked to tell stories there. He got sympaty and stuff by telling lies. I think if he thought it almost worked (one aid was concerned, but the main teacher told her no way as she has known me for 20 years, but we never told him that she almost beleived him) I think he would have kept trying it. Instead he has stopped trying because it did not work. Though I am still very vigilant. I got the report back from the program we did and they told me that he needed more activities. He told them he wanted to play sports and do stuff and we would not let him. Did they not notice that A. He is 7 and so too young for some of the things he told them he wanted to do and B. He has no legs and one arm. They sent me info on wheelchair basketball. Hmm, OK did they read what they sent me? Practices twice a week in a town two hours away, plus no power chairs allowed. My son has one hand, he can't dribble and drive at the same time, he has no lap to hold a ball on. He uses a power chair and the team starts at age 12. They did not ask me what outside activities he was involved in, or why I had pulled him from some. (triangulation issues) So yeah, I get that feeling about being judged by stupid people.