[Suebie]

Wow, Cipipitone, you sound really angry. On one hand, I don't blame you. On the other, I'm wondering if it's productive. I'm not being judgemental here.....we just pulled out of a nosedive this week ourselves. But, sometimes perspective is helpful. So, I wanted to point out the really really really good thing that you learned through the new therapist. Your DD panicked when the therapist started questioning her weight loss. She changed her story!!!! Now, it's unfortunate that the therapist still wanted to call CPS...that's another problem. But your DD didn't want to continue down that path. She'd probably be mortified if CPS was called. That's good news! Rejoice!
Also, again, not to be judgemental, but children who need to attach, need lots of chances to do that. We do not allow our RAD daughter to be alone very often. She is at my hip if at all possible. She's 11. TV is out of the question except to watch one movie a week as a family and even then she is to snuggle with me. Attachment therapy is hard and it's more than teaching the kids to be responsible for their actions. It's reaching their hearts and making them want to trust you. Their survival out in the world depends on it. Even Nancy Thomas, with her tough ways, works on craddling and eye contact.
I am on your side and I am pulling for you. You have the right to vent and the right to be flustered. This is a very tough job. But afterward, you also have the right to seek new perspective. I hope you can do that.
Sue

[cpipitone]

Suebie - I AM Angry.

I am not angry at her - this is what she does. She lies. She manipulates. She triangulates. She falsely accuses.

I am mad that this therapist was telling us that she believed that CPS would remove both my children if they called and said I was neglectful. That makes me very mad. How did we become the bad guys? How does a RAD specialized office not understand what is going on here? How, on a forth session, does someone who has never met my daughter accuse me of neglect? She has never seen or talked to my daughter. This woman is the associate of the therapist dealing with my daughter and she is basing this judgement (although she denied judging us) on the claim of a 12 pound loss in a week and because I vent our hurt and frustration in our sessions with her. I thought she was supposed to help us heal so we could better support DD. I thought she would work with DD's therapist to help us come up with a complete solution. Sending her back to Foster Care is a better solution? I felt accused and threatened--not helped at all. Plus my bio son is Asperger. What new trauma would they bring to my home by threatening to rip him away too and send him to foster care? I don't think CPS would actually do that, but her continual insistance about neglect got frightening.

Tonight we went to see the therapist and he denied it all, saying his associate misunderstood what he said. He said he never said he was going to call. He never suspected neglect, but mentioned CPS as an "out" for us, if we wanted to dissolve because this is so hard. Which is what we thought he meant, but this woman associate was adament that his intent was to accuse us of neglect because there was evidence of neglect. He, tonight, said he would NEVER call CPS and do that to my family, or to my son, saying it was just too destructive for a family.

Before we had this discussion with him we had an extremely successful attachment session with DD. We knew right away that this would not be our last session with him, but we needed to clarify what all the garbage the night before was about. He denied it all, saying she misunderstood. I told him we were there to fire him tonight, and he said "You still can fire me," to which I said, "no - I like what I saw tonight, but your associate is so fired. I will not see her again. She is destructive to this process."

We have spent two years with all the wrong therapies. We've spent two years unintentionally hurting and being hurt. We've all made mistakes and we, as the parents have owned up to it and apologized. We all have some damage repair to do and that is why we keep looking for help. In the meantime, to protect our own sanity, her happily hanging in her room is the safest for all of us until we develop the tools we need to heal. This was our stop-gap measure to stop the nightly drama. And right or wrong, our last two therapists not only agreed with this, they suggested it. So "neglect" is in the eye of the therapist.

We are only four sessions into actual Attachment Therapy, so it will take time for us to get to a place where we can all trust each other. Tonight was an amazing session with what felt like a tiny, one-second breakthrough. But having us open our souls to them, and be totally honest about our feelings and our pain was turned against us last night--like we are the cause of all the problems. Whatever behaviors we have that she does not approve of may not be supporting healing, but neglect???

I don't think that anyone believes that she would be better off back in Foster Care at her age, and after three failed adoptions. She would probably not get another chance at a family and would probably get overmedicated again to just sedate her into compliance. She would never get the intensive therapy she needs. So, to have someone tell us that they would call CPS and stop our efforts to heal and to learn so she could be dumped back into the system, just seems unconscionable. So yes, I was mad. Very mad.

Originally Posted by Suebie

Wow, Cipipitone, you sound really angry. On one hand, I don't blame you. On the other, I'm wondering if it's productive. I'm not being judgemental here.....we just pulled out of a nosedive this week ourselves. But, sometimes perspective is helpful. So, I wanted to point out the really really really good thing that you learned through the new therapist. Your DD panicked when the therapist started questioning her weight loss. She changed her story!!!! Now, it's unfortunate that the therapist still wanted to call CPS...that's another problem. But your DD didn't want to continue down that path. She'd probably be mortified if CPS was called. That's good news! Rejoice!
Also, again, not to be judgemental, but children who need to attach, need lots of chances to do that. We do not allow our RAD daughter to be alone very often. She is at my hip if at all possible. She's 11. TV is out of the question except to watch one movie a week as a family and even then she is to snuggle with me. Attachment therapy is hard and it's more than teaching the kids to be responsible for their actions. It's reaching their hearts and making them want to trust you. Their survival out in the world depends on it. Even Nancy Thomas, with her tough ways, works on craddling and eye contact.
I am on your side and I am pulling for you. You have the right to vent and the right to be flustered. This is a very tough job. But afterward, you also have the right to seek new perspective. I hope you can do that.
Sue

[momraine]

I think you had a right to be mad. Good for you for standing up for your family!

[Lorraine123]

I agree. You have every right to be MAD.

Suebie - I have to respectfully disagree with you on a few things.

Your DD panicked when the therapist started questioning her weight loss.

No where did I see that dd panicked.

She'd probably be mortified if CPS was called.

I also don't see where you got that she would be mortified. Why do you think she would be mortified?

RAD children live for this. I know my daughter would love it if CPS were called. It gives them power and that is what they survive on.

cpipitone - Hugs to you. I'm glad the next session was better.

[Suebie]

Cipipitone-I'm sorry, I didn't mean to increase your anger. You have a right to be angry. You have a right to stand up for your family. I'm glad you stood up to the associate and refuse to see her again. It sounds like you had a great session with the AT and I hope that you can concentrate on that....the positive. Getting over hurt and mistakes is hard. I am just hoping for you that you can refocus. All that anger takes its toll.
Lorraine-I know that RAD children love getting other adults stirred up and on their side. We are very familiar with triangulation. Our RAD daughter just tried it with the school nurse. The reason I felt DD panicked and was actually NOT looking for triangulation is because she changed her story to "but I'm fine." She told the truth about how much food she gets. Most RAD children would have relished this concern and built it up more, not try to back out of it. I thought that was good.
Back to Daniel Hughes. What I like about him...and Nancy Thomas, is that they can care for the children without being snookered and without getting super emotional over it all. They look for the signs of healing and celebrate them. I am not there but I strive to be. That's what I wish for all parents of RADishes.
Cipi-I hope you find some peace.

[Suebie]

PS.....I forgot to applaud your committment to your DD!!! I think it's fantastic that no matter how hard it's been for you, you are willing to stick it out and find other solutions! Cudos! Big time! Our daughter was through 2 failed adoptions and we are appauled at the lack of committment. So, good for you!

[Sheriv]

Personally, Daniel Hughes and Nancy Thomas have saved my sanity. I think you cannot take everything exactly cookie cuttered for every child, some things have to modified, or even thrown out depending on the child. I also like "Parenting, Love and Logic" as it also is a good compliment to Daniel Hughes and Nancy Thomas.

Sheri