[itsallrelative]

I apologize up front for the length, but I believe it is helpful to the story, not to mention therapeutic for me. My husband and I have 5 bio kids, ranging from 16-28yrs. We also have a 2 1/2 fd, whom we are in the process of adopting.

4 years ago my cousin's two children came to live with us and we adopted them a year later (oh the hoops nad paperwork!) Their mother has spent time in prison, as well as their father and adult brother. They had already been in foster care 4 years when we heard what had happened to them (my cousin kind of dropped off the face of the earth until her mother was terminal and had to let someone else in the family know what was going on) It took us a year to jump through all the hoops for North Carolina to finally agree to send them to us.

The childern are now 16 ande 18. We have tried counseling on and off over the past 4 yrs, and only recently have they been diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD).

This is where I need help. All along we have had problems with food hoarding, lying, stealing, inappropriate peer relationships, lazy beyond lazy behavior, and attaching themselves to other adults who were almost strangers.

During Easter weekend, the 18 yr old went to spend the night with a new friend from church. She was in jeopardy of graduating and so we tightened the reigns and she had finally brought her grades up and completed most of her chores (so she told us, we later found out she had 2 D's) ANyway, she came home the next day while I was out and annouced to my husband she was not 'happy' and was moving in with this new family! I contacted the family, believing it was all just a misunderstanding, but to my surprise, they had indeed agreed to let her move in!) Words were exchanged, but the result was still the same, they refused to retract their offer and so the barrier between our daughter and my husband and I (ok mostly with me) was erected. We found an awesome therapist and with much work, things improved amazingly! Or so we thought. This little scam artist was so good at convincing us things were back on track that I even went out and spent $200 on new clothes for her upcoming college experience, not to mention forking out $2400 for college tuition and books. Little did I know this was all part of her scheme, the very next day, without so much as a hint - she had planned on a note- she awaited this new family's arrival to pick her up and rescue her from her unhappiness, the day before her 18th birthday!

I keep going over and over in my mind what would a child have to tell me that would make me respond as these folks did, totally usurping another parent's role? I could not come up with anything that would allow my conscience to allow the child to remain in their home one more second, let a lone months before 'saving' them. They also provided her with a secret cell phone to contact her bmother. She has also stollen wround $400 from me since Jan. She has been planning this escape all along.

This happened over July4th and she is now in NC visiting her bmother for 2 weeks at the expense of her new family. Another characteristic- mooching.

Now, finally to the point. Her brother, the 16 yr old is still with us, but now we are concerned for his safety - fearful she will convince him to run away with her.

Have any of you experienced this same kind of thing with an adoptive child? And what are your thoughts about the chances therapy helping him as a RAD kid, knowing we failed with his sister? My husband and I are not able to go through with him what we did with her. We have been emotionally beat down and honestly just do not have the energy. I have actually thought about taking him back to North Carolina to fostercare. Maybe even back to his mother ( she claims she is drug free not. we do not believe it) !

[lucyjoy]

You might want to check out the special needs board here.

I have experienced exactly what you describe-except the kids were not MY relatives. My neighbors have "rescued" my kids from their "abusive" existance.

It's so crazy. RAD kids can manipulate so well. It hurts so much to poor everything into helping a kid to be tossed aside like garbage. My husband was recently beaten in the street by a neighbor who believed he had beaten my distrurbed 16 year old(Who didn't have a mark on him). My 16 year old thought is was great fun and can not live here any longer as he is unsafe.

A therapist once told me that I could choose to keep a relationship with my adult children on terms THEY can handle or have no relationship at all. I chose to keep the door open, but many parents choose the other way.
Both are incredibly painful choices.

As for therapy with the 16 year old-does he have any desire to change? Does he see anything wrong with his life? If not, at 16, I do not believe the therapy would have any benefit. Where I live, turning a child over to foster care isn't an option. If he's violent, contact police. If he's committing crimes, contact police.

Most of my kids left home the way your daughter did, some earlier then 18. A friend once shared with me that our kids don't know the right way to leave home and must do so with drama to avoid feeling rejected. Most of them are fantastic moochers. All of mine returned after leaving, though some chose to leave again.

My sibling group did start seeing bmom without telling me. They spent Easter with her instead of with our family without warning me they'd planned to do this.
Did it hurt? yes. But I don't interfere with adult or almost adult children's relationships with bfamily. They have a need to reconnect. Thankfully, these kids now have a healthy bmom so the risk is not as great as some of my other kids.

I would recommend, not only reading the special needs boards here, but also connecting with the support lists from Welcome to Attachment & Trauma Network* - ATN. What your are living with, unfortunately, is NOT uncommon. It might help to have the support of others who are living through this now or have lived through it. It isn't about anything you did at all, but the broken pieces within your child's heart.

Sorry you are living this nightmare.

[stevenstwin]

You have my sympathy. I don't have any advice to give, but just want to reassure you that this is so common. The best piece of advice I ever got was to NOT take anything a RAD kid does personally - even when it hurts like heck. My then-14 y.o. foster son did some parent shopping - and parents of a friend of his offered to take him. I went right over with a pile of information on RAD, and they backed off. BUT these kids are master manipulators - I'll confess that when *I* first got him it was because I thought I had this special bond with him, and was rescuing him from cold and uncaring (not over-stressed and burned out!) foster parents. The folks who have your daughter probably feel very noble and self-righteous right now, but I have a feeling they'll eventually learn! She won't be able to act like a housegues forever; her issues will surface soon enough. Sadly, there isn't really anything you can do about an 18 year old making this choice, and I'm not sure there is much you can do about a 16 year old either. I think he's pretty old to be trying therapy, unless he himself is very committed. My now-16 year old fs is well aware of his issues and upset about the impact on his life, and is working really hard on them...and even then, I'm not holding out a great deal of hope. I once read some sort of formula about it taking 5 years of being in the new family to overcome every one year of being in the original dysfunctional situation. Well, in my teen's case, I guess that means he'll be all better by the time he's 70! ;-) You got these kids at 12 and 14, so you are in much the same boat. Focus on taking care of yourself - and knowing that their choices are their own and you've done EVERYTHING possible.

[itsallrelative]

Thank you guys for the support. I must admit we are relieved we do not have to be responsible for her right now, but at the same time am anxious at all the worries we have regarding our 16 adopted son.

Because of her behavior, we insisted he may not have contact with her unless it is under supervision. We are worried what plotting has been going on, especially since she has been up to visit their bio mom, who has been leaving me scary messages on my phone. I have recently discovered a charger for a cell phone and can only surmise he has been given a cell to talk to her and their mother.

Don't get me wrong; I do not have a problem with children maintaining contact with the bfams, but I am concerned when the parents have been in jail for armed robbery and cocaine use/selling. I feel it an unsafe option for not only the adopted kids, but also the rest of the family. Even though we do not want that influence in our home, I guess we feel it is too late to protect our family from it, since we have committed ourselves and our family to be a permanent family for these kids adn this is what they come from.

Law enforcement is not an option in that this is my cousin's children and it falls under domestic, as if we chose these parents to be part of our family!

The way we feel right now and what we have been through, adoption is not an option for us regarding any other teens. Fostering is still always an option. I guess we have come to believe there really can not be much benefit to adoption for this age, accept for the state, who relieves themselves of the liability and the costs for independent living or education. for these kids.

QUESTION: Are there any suggestions you have how we can protect our family, and what is your advice at trying to maintain a safe distance between our adopted daughter and her b brother who we have adopted?

[Danaw/6]

Wow, that's a lot to swallow. I have been in a similar but different situation. We finally told our soon-to-be-adopted sons that if the grass was greener somewhere else then get a ride there and go, but I am not taking you. I know how exhausted you must feel, and how overwhelming dealing with these children can be. I think as a concerned parent you finally have to get in their face and tell them 'THE WAY IT IS GOING TO BE IN THIS HOUSE", expecting normal and typical teenage behaviors with of course some of the RAD behaviors as well. Life is a series of choices and they need to learn that not everyone will put up with their chaos and justify their behaviors with a diagnosis, even though they may have one. These kids will be adults some day and they need to be able to function and be challenged with higher expectations and huge consequences. It has worked for our two boys, but our RAD issue does not seem to be as severe.

good luck

[radblog]

I am traveling and haven't been able to log in for a few days, but I noticed your post earlier. I also noticed you requested membership in one of ATN's listserves. That is a great start, as you will find much support there.

I have been in your shoes. Perhaps we can speak privately when I return home. In the meantime, document EVERYTHING that has happened, all your concerns, all the chaos created by these kids so you can defend yourself and support your actions as much as possible.

Hang in there.

[epatnoe]

First you haven't failed. You did what you could. She is 18 now, legally able to make her own choices. You and everyone in this drama has been manipulated by a professional. Hell, a normal functioning teen is pretty good at it. One that's played the game and been in the system for years.... can fool the best of us.

Keep the relationship going with her. Do what you can to be a role model still. Be part of her life! Don't worry about "what ifs" and be proactive when dealing with your son.

[sparrrow]

so incredibly common... and so hurtful ... I am so so sorry. I agree with the person who advised to call the police about illegal activity and staying out from between the bparents and the child... I guess I would want to focus on the young child in your home... a two and a half year old?... who probably needs your attention much more ... not that you'd be giving up on the older ones, but it seems like you've done all you can. I pray that your hurting heart won't make you do things for the older kids in an attempt to "resolve" things ... sometimes things with unattached children just can't be resolved the way we see resolution .... the way we see happy endings ... We want so much more for them than they either want for themselves or can do. We want to love them, we want them to feel loved, and sometimes that's the last thing they want or can tolerate. We can't feel like we're failing just because we see the need for love and they either don't or can't.