[cpipitone]

We are taking steps, jumping through hoops, making phone calls, begging, whatever it takes to get DD in an RTC -- hopefully before summer ends.

If, for whatever reason, she is denied treatment, I will lose it! I WILL NOT spend another 6+ years with the life we have with her in the home. It is too high a toll on my personal health, my DH's health, my marriage, my bio son, my extended family - heck even my dog!

We are coming up on two years of living with her (finalized over a year ago) and with all the structure, rewards, consequences, love, guidance, support, therapy, counseling, behavior modeling, we are not any closer to bonding with this kid than we were on day 1.

I didn't think I would ever consider dissolving the adoption, but her behaviours, attitude, hurtful words, false accusations, triangulation, manipulation, destructive actions, all have helped me decide that either she gets help or she gets out.

The state deliberately misled us on her issues and never supported us. They downgraded her from Level 3 care to Level 1 just before placement. She desperately needs help and I can no longer help her. Reading Sprunger1's posts, I feel so bad for her, but I know exactly how she feels. I am so tired of feeling like the bad guy. I am tired of putting so much energy into a kid that puts nothing into her relationship with this family.

I will not feel guilty. We have tried hard for two years, we are still trying to get her help and are committed to her treatment and to helping her after treatment (12-18 months recommended) but continuing to do this thing - this daily dramatic interaction with her is not good for anyone.

Someone in the chat room, after suggesting ending the adoption, said something that really resonated with me. I said I could not live with myself if I terminated the adoption. She said, you are not going to be happy either way--if she stays and makes your family miserable, or if you end it and feel guilty--so why not choose the option that will at least bring you and your family peace.

When DD pushed us last night to the point that I demanded she make a decision RIGHT THEN if she wanted to stay and see if we could get her help or if she REALLY wanted to go back to foster care (which she always screams at us to take her back) that she just needed to tell me and I would immediately make the call and she could sleep in a foster home that night. Half of me wanted her to say yes - make the call. I could already feel the relief at the thought of her being gone.

I kept thinking that I can spend all this time, money, energy trying to get her into an RTC and then more energy working through her therapy for the next 18 months, or I could call CPS now to come get her, and spend some money and a few hours working with a lawyer to terminate the adoption and clear what ever "child abandonment" charges might be filed against us. Then be done with it. No more drama. No more hourly conflict. No more undue stress. No more limiting our activities in order to protect others from her behavior. No more tacky "Jerry Springer" moments with her. It sounds so good to me that I am over the guilt.

If you are still with me at this point, I apologize for the long post.

[lonni]

I am sorry. It sounds awful for all of you. Can you call the Police when she gets violent and maybe she can go into treatment through Mental Health services?Maybe you have tried that. Again- so sorry for the turmoil you are living in.

[lucyjoy]

One of the snags I hit in getting my son into the level of care he needs(which I'm still fighting to keep) is that I didn't hospitilize or call the police on him when he was violent or dilusional. Also, where I live, if you can actually get a kid in front of a judge, they often can help get services we can't seem to get ourselves.

I do think you need to understand that a kid with the behaviors you describe isn't likely going to get better in an RTC. There is no need to bond there. NO bond means no conscience and no empathy.

Your daughter likely will do well inside the RTC and make you look like the crazy one. RTC generally is the last resort when I child cannot be managed at home.

Have you worked with an attachment therapist? Attachment parenting and techniques can help adjust some of the behaviors while the child works on healing the attachment.

If you get your child into an RTC and plan to bring her home, it will be necessary to have the tools and structure in place that she will need when she returns to you. It does sound like your family is in dire need of a break.

Sorry you're dealing with all this. It is tough to parent kids with these issues and really tough to not have the information up front. Good luck finding a placement.

[cpipitone]

We are looking at a RAD-specialized RTC, so they will know what is going on, right-off the bat. She is good at making strangers think she is the sweetest girl, but anyone who spends 48-hours or less with her figures out that something isn't right. Something is annoying and offensive. RAD-specialized staff will know right away what is going on.

The center states that the teachers, therapists, and psychiatrists are all specialized and that the teachers know that when a kid is demanding attention it means that they really need attention and they will give it to them in a controlled manner and redirect them. It sounds like she will get the help she needs - 24-7. That is something that even if I was with her 24-7 could not provide. I respond to her as a parent, not a clinician or therapist. No matter what I try to think to make it not personal - it is to me. It all hurts me and I respond from my hurt and I know this. I can only fake strength for so long, then I need to see SOME reciprocity, but I do not receive it at all.

We obviously are not doing something right--more likely doing a lot wrong. I've communicated with RadZebra and the RAD specialist in town is not really recommended (works better with toddlers) and my closest alternate options is almost 2 hours away--not a trip we could make often enough to make a difference.

I've been reading Keck's books, and they do help. I just ordered Nancy Thomas' stuff, hoping that will help as well. I do not expect that we can just send her off to get fixed and it will be all better when she returns. I anticipate being involved in her treatment as much as possible and while she is gone, getting more training on how to handle her and support her.

But right now we are at an unhealthy stand-off that impacts not only us but extended families and friends. All relationships seem strained by her issues. We all need a break. She is actually looking forward to going--but she is used to moving every 6 months, so being stuck with us for two years is uncomfortable and foriegn to her.

I don't expect miracles from RTC.
I expect a much needed break.
I expect some improvement in her behaviors - even 25-50% improvement means a 25-50% improvement in her potential to live a productive adult life.
I expect that we will heal a bit and be more prepared to open up to her again--more enthusiastic about helping her.
I expect that she might gain some appreciation for the life she has with us--maybe even miss us and glamorize the life she had with us, until she returns.

If we cannot get her into this specialized place, there is a local facility that does intensive outpatient. She would go for 3 hours of therapy, 3 hours of school every day, but come home every night. Logistically, this would be extremely hard to accomodate because it is 25 miles from our home and across downtown traffic, but I would find a way to make it work if that was our only option.

But her being denied from any intensive treatment is unacceptable.

[sprunger1]

Oh my goodness, how my heart goes out to you! Even though M is going to be moving (this week?), I still linger here just in case I may have learned something of value to share with another.

My hat goes off to you for sticking with this for two years. I have only been going through this for 3 months, and at the 2 mo. mark I told the CW that in no way should she expect me to follow through with an adoption until I felt SURE these behaviors could be worked through.

Ok. Nancy Thomas' stuff is great. Will it help your situation? Sounds to me like you've learned so much that what is in the book is already in your head.

RADzebra....INVALUABLE resource! Nancy Spoolstra is an amazing, honest woman who I am so lucky to have made the acquaintance of. If you haven't already, read her story on the website. Changed my view of everything. I have a feeling I know what she'd tell you, but won't say it here. Maybe you've already been in touch with her.

Lastly. The guilt that you feel over "moving on" yourself will be far outweighed by the rebuilding of your family unit. ALREADY, my bio son has been changing (remember, M isn't officially gone yet!). He's relaxed and seeking affection from me that he hasn't in previous months, probably due to the fact that he somehow senses now that I will be more giving of it. Previously, I found myself withholding affection from bio kids because it would cause such chaos with M - to the point of him locking us out of the house once.

A friend told me today that M's foundation was already laid, and that I didn't make a significant effect one way of another for him. He CHOSE not to try here, because it was too uncomfortable for him. Sounds to me like you have done EVERYTHING you can, and still are, for your dd. If at two years, she is still CHOOSING to behave in such a way, then what other choice do you have? Are RTC's the answer? Maybe not, but sometimes there's just no other solution. Even though they are children, they choose. RTC, no attachments, but MAYBE she'll at least learn something about herself. Maybe taking away that pressure to be a part of a normal family will enable her, prompt her to look at herself. People don't change because we want them to, they will only change when THEY want to.

I'm sorry if I'm now sounding unemotional, but that's how I'm feeling today. I hope that something here has been helpful to you!
Sending you a million hugs because I'm sure you need them!!

[cpipitone]

Here is what I ordered from Nancy Thomas' site:

~ The Circle of Support - DVD
~ So You Want to Be a Princess? - BOOK
~ When Love is Not Enough-A Guide to Parenting Children with Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) - BOOK
~ Don’t Touch My Heart - BOOK

I don't know if I will learn anything new from Nancy's book, but it is referred to so often I just need to see what's in there.

The DVD is more for our extended family. I hope it might help them undertsand what we are dealing with.

The other two books are for my DD. I've tried to explain her diagnosis and her behaviors to her, but not sure how much she absorbs, since in her mind there is nothing wrong with her--everyone else is the problem.

Anybody in this forum have reviews from the other products I purchased?

[cpipitone]

BTW - Sprunger. I didn't think you sounded unemotional at all. I think you and I have walked a very similar path.

We actually got a little respite when grandpa offered to take her for a month while they traveled around in an RV. I knew it wouldn't work out, but they (step-grandma too) thought she was sweet and they could help her. Four days into it they were ready to ship her tail home. We actually milked it into two weeks because of flight conflicts, but the overwhelming sense of unrestricted joy in the house while she was gone was undeniable. It only further magnified the negative energy in the house--all swirling around her behaviors.

You don't always recognize the fog while you are in it, but rise above it for a moment and you see how thick it really is.

[sparrrow]

I completely understand where you are at emotionally. I adopted my son when he was two, and he's ten now, and we have been through the wringer. RAD is the most horrible painful dark experience of my adult life. Have I wasted my time, my life by trying to get this boy to attach in a healthy way to me? He might have done better if I'd let him go at two yrs old to bounce around the foster care system. I want to scream to others not to do it, but since there are some successful stories out there, I'll just scream.... My prayers are with you... Save yourself.