[sprunger1]

Ok..I feel horrible for the thoughts I am having and the feelings i hold. I'm wondering if there is hope for me in this journey that we are on!

We are two months into our first placement: fost / adopt to an 8yr old boy. I asked SO many questions, of so many people, and was simply told he's a GREAT kid. Great kid, just had a tough start. Needs a loving home like ours. Fost/adopt family where he had lived for the past YEAR just didn't want to adopt him because they wanted an older child.

Long story short.. This boy has some attachment issues. I thought he had ODD, as he is so defiant, but therapist actually just diagnosed as PTSD, to then focus on the attachment issues.

Here's my downfall. I am NOT connecting with fs because his behaviors range from manipulative at best, to throwing things and hurting my dog at worst (or was it the all out screaming and kicking fit he through in the car??). Now for the irony..I am the only one in my family who sees what's going on. Husband treats him just as he would any other kid (actually, I feel like he goes easier on him than he would the bio kids) and questions me when I am strict with him. Example: We bought water balloons for all the kids to share. I told fs that he could have 4, so everyone could have the same. Husband gave him more and reasoned that the other kids had ample opportunity to get their balloons but didn't .. I feel like I'm coming off as super controlling and everyone is looking at me as a major b... Therefore, I don't want to parent this child! It's tiring enough trying to parent him, let alone trying to shoulder the stress of the effect on my marriage.

I've been reading a lot about attachment therapy, and have heard holding mentioned quite a bit. Here's where I'm horrible.. This totally turns me off. There is so much tension between me and fs, due to the way he can manipulate and get around my word, that I hardly wish to speak to anyone right now.
I'm disappointed in myself, and wish that I were feeling totally different right now, but I'm just not. I don't look forward to getting up in the morning. Next weekend, my bio kids are going away for two days and husband scheduled himself to work a 24 hr shift. This leaves just the two of us. I already feel sick over it, as I never look forward to time with him!

Is there hope for me? Am I feeling normal? I'm really so lost, and need someone to ground me.

[athikers]

Our oldest had many attachment issues and they were worse with me. Most people here who have RAD or RADish children will tell you the child is the worst with their primary caregiver (usually the mom). M was so manipulative that EVERYONE except hubby and I thought she was the cutest, sweetest girl ever and we just had problems because we were "new parents". Little did they know, the battles we had and the severity of our fdaughter's issues. I think it is a definite struggle to love a child with attachment problems, and I don't think it happens quickly. I think what you're feeling is VERY normal for being just two months into things. My world felt VERY out of control for at least the first four months M was with us. Even after that it was far from normal, but it became manageable. You are not alone in dreading time spent with your child, either. I had to find things that I knew I would enjoy regardless of what M did or didn't do and even then, more than once, I FAKED having a good time so that M would see she was not able to ruin a family event with her behavior.

[Michele81]

These comments are making me wonder if I'll have what it takes to parent our 12yo daughter. She's coming for her third visit on Monday & then should be with us permanently at some point this summer. I know I can deal with a lot of things, but my husband is the same type of person - can't even set limits on the phone, let alone in person! I'm sure I'll become a more regular poster once she arrives.

[lucyjoy]

Kids with atachment issues are masters at making mom feel mean and crazy while looking normal to everyone else. This isn't you. No one wants to hang out with a child that appears to thrive on pushing their buttons. It is also very common for dad to NOT see what mom sees. That is part of the child's divide and conquer plan.

You need an attachment therapist and some nancy Thomas DVD's or CD's for your hubby to see/hear. You both need o ge on the same page for this to work.

Hang in there. This is tough. You are NOT mean and crazy. What you see is real.

[TxMom65]

Our daughter was 8 when she came home to us and to everyone she was an angel. My husband and I had prepared that she would try to manipulate us, possibly me worse with me.

At the two month mark I was secretly wishing that something would happen to disrupt the adoption. I dreaded the thought of even a Saturday alone with her. She was never dx as RAD, but just having attachment and adjustment issues.

At one point my husband came in and heard her having a tantrum and asked what I had done now. What had "I" done? It didn't take long for him to see how she really was. Looking back now, I can see how scared we all were.

I told my husband last night that I am actually having fun being off with her for the summer. She has been with us since Nov. 1 and not only did she have to bond to me, but I had to bond to her. It has been the hardest thing I have ever done but also the most rewarding.

Good luck with your son. Two months is so early. To answer your questions, I would say yes, this feeling is normal. I would also say yes there is hope. Get your husband to read about triangulation.

[sprunger1]

I will read about triangulation myself too!

The person whose husband asked what SHE had done..That's how I feel, exactly. Not only with me, but also with my bio son, who is the second in line to receive smart remarks and confrontation from fs. It has been the most upsetting thing in my life up to this point, to feel as though my husband is choosing this child (to me, this STRANGER, INTRUDER) over myself and bio son. Bio dd doesn't have many issues, as she's almost 15 and does her own thing a lot of the time.

I will look into the cd's. I have Thomas's book on order, cannot wait for it to arrive! My husband would do much better with cd's though. And I would feel so much better if I had some support here.
Right now, I feel like I'm just letting this kid do pretty much whatever he wants! If he wants to play PS for hours, I let him. If he wants to use up the things that I bought for ALL the kids, I just let him. When he talks all day long without ceasing, I just let him (although by the 4th hour I'm ready for my iPod). All of this is just making me resentful. It's not helping anybody.
Maybe in the meantime I can figure out how to better handle him. He's FINE when he can do whatever he wants. Maybe I should just let it all be, since that seems to work for my husband. Let him stay up later, eat when and what he wants . yesterday on our camping trip, I told hubby I was tired of the conflict and that when he's around I'm going to just step back and let him do the parenting. fs ate fruit and oreos for breakfast, one taco for lunch, sour gummies, soda, and then before we hit the road for home, we stopped for a bit and all he got was a fruit cup, of which he ate only the grapes, oh and more soda which he got in his cup that was only for water. None of this bothered anyone except for me, so I let it go. I NEVER let my bio kids eat sweet stuff all day long, so this is a difficult one for me.
Kids need to be taught how to get on in life, how to be responsible, caring, and so on.
I'm not being supported in trying to teach these things to fs right now, and thus have told everyone involved that there will be NO adoption until I feel good about it. At least I'm buying some time I guess. Doesn't change the fact that I just feel like a totally different person than I was two months ago, someone I don't even like

[TxMom65]

*hugs* All I can say is I have been there. I can remember crying because I hated my life and was hoping that something would change soon. We had the worst Christmas ever.

Things started to settle down soon after though. As I said, it is hard work and to get a handle on him you will have to NOT let him do what he wants. Expect confict but better now than forever.

[Lorraine123]

You need to find an attachment therapist right away. This child's controlling behaviors will escalate without it. The attachment therapist will help teach you techniques to regain control of your home and your child. I could not have made it without our therapist. Do it.

[sprunger1]

THank you. We began therapy last week, but the first two visit were more or less for me to disclose what's been going on. Our therapist specializes in attachment and seems really great. That's a lot for me to say at this point, because I've felt dupped by everyone thus far. I'm looking forward to seeing what she does in subsequent visits, and also how she can help ME get control.

I feel so stupid to have little questions like I do.. Like today, fs has gotten into the balloons again and is filling them up with water without asking. I'm doubting myself so much after recent events with my husband, that I'm questioning why I feel fs shouldn't be doing this! I feel like he should be asking to do just about everything...BUT, this is where the problems begin. the temper comes out because he wants to be his own boss. Am I just being controlling by feeling he should ask for these kinds of things? And that I see it as manipulative that he'll whisper to his friend to ask if they can play PS, since I almost always say no? This happened yesterday.. I walked in and heard the whispering, then his friend asked about playing. I said no (I think they should PLAY). A little later, they asked my husband while I was in my room and he said yes, of course, because he doesn't see anything wrong with playing video games, and doesn't see that fs would play all day long if he could.
Am I being too controlling?!

[lucyjoy]

He battles you because he needs you to be in control but at the same time feels out of control. He is testing you.

As for you dh telling son he can do something after you said no, I'd try addressing that with him. Rather then addressing the video games, address the playing one parent off the other. My dh has learned to say "What did mom say?" and I do the same.

He should be asking for everything right now. Try rather then lecturing use as many logical and natural consequences as you can and give consequences as needed. No asking to use the balloons, no balloon time at all etc.

Don't try addressing everything at once. Just pick whatever bugs you the most and start there. If you mess up or yell, no big deal, he'll give you a chance to try again.

Try not to let him see that things he does bother you. They need to be okay for you but an issue for him. Takes the fun out of it for him.

I do not allow my kids friends to ask me questions about what they can play. When that happens, I let them know that my children know the house rules and drop it.
My children know if they want to ask for something or invite someone to dinner etc that they are to ask me without said friend present.

While I'm not a fan of video play for unhealthy kids, one way I combat the constant play is setting times where play is allowed(though they still must act)

I don't allow any daytime video play unless there is a babysitter or the temperatures are close to 100 or something. I allow video play after dinner only. During the school year, it's only allowed after 6 on weekends. Helps with the constant battle.

My hubby was resistant to alot of the changes I made at first but is now happy with the results. We've been through some very rough times and have faced splitting more then once. Taking care of you marriage is important. Find a way to take a date night once a week and some time for yourself. It helps fill you back up so you don't get so drained from the struggles of parenting a parent resistant child.

You might wish to visit Welcome to Attachment & Trauma Network* - ATN

[sprunger1]

Just ordred Nancy Thomas' cd and a book that I could read to the kids. Bio kids need to understand where fs is coming from and maybe something in the story will touch him as well.

I'm also hoping that my husband will learn something from listening, as currently his approach is to raise fs just as we have our bio kids. ex. fs has given me difficulties in the car when it comes to wearing his seatbelt. He will lay down and say that he's tired, and husband thinks that's ok. He tells me that I let bio son do the same thing (which I certainly do not remember!!). I see this as further manipulation and fs getting between me and my husband. My husband does not see any manipulation going on.

I also spoke with SW today (received a surprise phone call regarding a photo shoot fs is scheduled for) and learned that we were never properly matched with fs either! This was something that I had a gut feeling about, but was reminded by agency CW about a phone call with the county worker and was told that THAT was my full disclosure. Worker today apparently knew about this AFTER the fact, and complained to the agency that this was not proper procedure and they all were aware that we should be offered full disclosure. Does this change anything? I guess not, I just still wish I had known what we were in for.

Checked out ATN.. Already a member. Receive a million emails from their boards and learn a bunch there too. Problem is, if I'm the only one learning, and yet my parenting is constantly questioned, nobody gets anywhere.

[TxMom65]

No, you are not being too controlling. We have a rule that if they ask one of us and we say no then they had better NOT ask the other one.

He does need to ask for everything and it will cause him to be mad. He might need a few weeks with no video games at all. My daughter had very limited TV for a while when she came. I did let her watch a little at night, mostly so I could relax in the bath.

* I tell my family these little gems. 1) because I said so 2) because I am the mom. Just do what I say. If I tell you to put on your seat belt then do it and I don't care who I let do otherwise once upon a time.

[sprunger1]

Guess where I am right now is back to the drawing board! I feel like I need to make a list for my family to see what is expected of them all, although this seems just plain silly. And I don't know what good it will do , since no one is on my side here anyway!

This leaves me to question what kinds of rules to make.
Does he have the right to go through the pantry looking for food? To snack on things without asking?
Is it ok for him to listen to music at bedtime if i don't think it's calming to him? Must I let him talk incessantly all day long and interrupt every conversation (as others do)?? Must I let him stay up later just because the older kids get to stay up a little later? Is it ok for him to be hanging on my daughter, or laying his head in her lap while she rubs his hair?? These are things that have bothered me, but when I say anything about it, I am the one who gets questioned!!!

What kinds of rules did you all make with your kids?

I want him to ask for everything, as people have stated, but when it's not enforced by anyone but me, I can't see how that will work. He's already learned to go to others for help or to get what he wants. He's been perfectly happy this past few days because the others (husband and dd) will take my place, as I have told them that if they won't let me parent, and they can do better to go for it. So he's getting his way, but the tension between he and I is not there. But the tension is not there because I'm having nothing to do with him. THis is all just so stupid I cannot even believe it as I'm writing it.

[Lorraine123]

Any one who has parented an attachment disordered child will not think your comments are stupid or ridiculous.

In answer to your questions:
Does he have the right to go through the pantry looking for food? - No
To snack on things without asking? - No
Is it ok for him to listen to music at bedtime if i don't think it's calming to him? - No
Must I let him talk incessantly all day long and interrupt every conversation?? - No
Must I let him stay up later just because the older kids get to stay up a little later? - No
Is it ok for him to be hanging on my daughter, or laying his head in her lap while she rubs his hair?? - No

In other words, if it bothers you, then he must not be allowed to do it. You are the mom. You are the boss. The entire family should see you in that role. I think you need family counseling or couples counseling. This will take a huge toll on your marriage. You are right in this and the rest of your family is wrong to be against you. IMO.

By the way - I don't let my child do any of those things that you said bother you.

[sprunger1]

Thank you so much for your support!! I have felt more support from people here and from the CW believe it or not!
The above has caused me to feel the same, that I need some marriage counseling.
Here's the way I explained it to my husband yesterday. He's a firefighter. He knows that different fires call for different approaches; you don't fight a house fire the same way you would a brush fire. Because he has been trained and made a career of fighting fires, I do not go to the station and question why he fights fires the way he does. I'm stating that not only have I made being mom a "career"...It is who I am! Yet I am being questioned constantly about why I do things the way I do.
Clearly, a counselor is needed. This whole adoption process, with the placement happening the way that it did and the disruption it has caused, has put me in a tailspin that I'm struggling to get out of.

Thank you for your input and your support.