[sinesadopt]

Hi. I am the adoptive mother of two. My son we adopted at birth and he is now 5. Our daughter we adopted at the age of 2 after she spent the first two years of her life in the same foster home. She is now 3 (will be 4 in August).

Things went really well during our visits and our post-placement. She is a very happy little girl and can be very sweet and loving. Then there is the other side.

Last summer we started having difficulties with her at day care so we started her in therapy. The therapist that we were referred to was not available on a weekly basis and sessions were quite sporadic. I quit my full-time job in August last year and started working at home. And the kids started staying home with me.

My daughter has become very oppositional. You can ask her to do one thing and she will do the exact opposite. She will do anything to argue with you. She tries to start fights with her brother. She is very destructive. She has broken many toys, colored on her dolls, eaten markers, colored in books. Then she started taking food without asking. When we discovered this we put an alarm on her door so that we could hear when she gets out of her room. She has completely regressed in her potty training.

This week has been especially rough. Monday, I took her with me to the grocery store while my son was in school. Because I didn't put her in a two seater cart that has a steering wheel she threw a fit the whole way through the store. She was hitting me, then she started spitting at me. She was also yelling at the top of her lungs that she didn't like me. I took her home and put her to bed for a nap. She screamed, kicked and cried for 40 minutes.

Tuesday was a pretty good day. There were no fits. Yesterday was rough, but not as bad as Monday. Today was horrible though. I had a doctor's appointment. I told her she needed to stay with me as we were walking in to the office. While I was checking in she ran to get a drink. I told her to come back and she refused. She's not quite tall enough to reach the fountain by herself, so her mouth was right on the spout. I again told her she needed to stay by me and she refused.

I got checked in and we went up stairs. She then refused to sit where I was. She then started in with the yelling and screaming. I took her to the bathroom and she wouldn't calm down. I did everything I could to try and calm her down, but nothing worked. Finally I told them that I would need to reschedule my appointment and I left. My husband was upset that I did that because I've been having shortness of breath. He wanted me to stay. But there was no way that I could have talked to my doctor with her the way that she was. She's also acted like this when I've had to take my son to the doctor for an appointment.

I love my daughter and would do absolutely anything for her. But I'm really starting not to like her. I am dreading the summer. I want to have a good relationship with her, but it is so hard. I am feeling like a failure as a mother.

I have ordered some material from Nancy Thomas' website and can't wait for it to come in as I want to be able to help my daughter.

Thank you,

Cassandra
One very stressed Mommy

[radblog]

Cassandra,

As your daughter gets older, she understands more... and her moving around in her short life has already taught her that attachments are not permanent. Now that you are home and expecting more intimacy and accountability, she is scared. She feels vulnerable.

She needs you to be in complete control of your home, and of her. Nancy Thomas's materials will help immensely. Also I would suggest you order Martha Welch's book, "Holding Time" and implement that technique... all except the part where mom vents at the kid. Use the holding part where nearly every time your daughter melts down you initiate a holding. Calmly, quietly... but firmly. You're the mom, she's the kid. Don't take her out into situations where she can melt down and you are somewhat handicapped in your ability to respond, like grocery stores or doctor's offices. Try and arrange as much of that for when your husband is home to take care of her, because you don't want to do babysitters either.

Don't ask her to do something, tell her like you expect her to do it. It is not a democracy. You can offer her choices, but don't let her dwell on it or make a power struggle out of it. "Would you like to eat your breakfast right now or would you rather get down?" No answer means you decide... and in that example, she would get down in my house if she wasn't eating. Let her throw her fit, and head to the rocking chair for holding time.

I suggest you check out my blog and do some reading on back posts. There is a great deal of information there about holding time and how I approached my now 10 year old daughter who joined us at age 3 with serious attachment issues.

Let me know how some of these ideas work for you, OK?

Nancy Spoolstra

Executive Director
Attachment Disorder Network
www.radzebra.org
nancy@radzebra.org

Reactive Attachment Disorder Blogger
http://attachment-disorder.adoptionblogs.com/
radblog@adoptionmail.com

[sinesadopt]

Nancy,

Thank you so much for the information. I'm going to take a look at your blog and will definitely contact you with any questions.

One question that I do have, is it normal for it to be all taken out on me and not anyone else, i.e., dad?

Cassandra

[momraine]

From what I have read it's very normal for them to take it out only on mom. Mom is usually the main caregiver and in our society and in thier minds the one who is supposed to take care of them and protect them. So they will take it out on mom and they will test mom the hardest to see if you are strong enough to keep them safe no matter what and if you love them enough to keep them no matter what.

[radblog]

Sorry it took me a few days to respond. I was gone for the holiday weekend.

Yes, it is completely normal for you to bear the brunt of the heat. Moms represent the core of the universe to kids. You are taking the place of the moms of the past that let your daughter down. While adoptees are interested in learning about or finding biological fathers, they almost never search for them first or exclusively. You hear far more about birthMOM searches... the first and foremost question is, "How could my MOM have left me or not kept me safe?" So you are the stand-in for the mom who failed or left.

[sinesadopt]

Thank you for your response. I have another question.

My daughter never lived with her birthmom. While she was 8 months pregnant, my daughter's birthmom performed a very violent act on my daughter's half brother. She was with the same foster mom for 2 years before she was placed with us.

We don't have any extended family where we live. While we were doing our training we were told that it would be helpful to maintain contact with a child's foster family, if possible. We have maintained contact with her foster mom and one of her foster sisters. They have actualy become part of our family. I'm starting to wonder if this is a good thing for her.

We have to take our son for a week of training the end of June for his therapy dog and her foster mom has agreed to keep her for the week. Now I'm worried. Our son was hospitalized in March and it was an emergency and I didn't know what to expect and called her foster mom, who kept her from Tuesday afternoon until Friday for us. Our daughter kept telling her foster mom that we weren't coming back for her. She was very good about reassuring her that we would. We finally went and got her on Friday when things had stablized with our son and took her to the hospital with us when we went to visit him.

Our daughter keeps saying she wants a therapy dog, which right now is not possible. (One reason is the kids need to be 5 to get a dog.) So we have decided that the Saturday before we leave we will take our son to respite, which we usually use for both kids. This way she'll be able to have four hours with just Mommy and Daddy. We are going to take her Build-A-Bear and get her her own "therapy dog". They have dogs that you can build and either put them on roller skates or skateboards. They have leashes and carriers and vests and dog bowls (and probably more that I can't remember right now).

Any thoughts are appreciated.

Cassandra

[radblog]

You ask some great questions. I'll see what I can do to answer them all...

First of all, it is good to maintain contact with her foster mom, and it is logical that she would be a good overnight resource for you, but THAT part is NOT a good idea. It is too confusing for your daughter to come and go from a previous home. She needs to be glued to you and stay glued to you. That can be very hard to do with other kids needing medical intervention, but as much as is humanly possible, I would not be separated from her overnight. It is not surprising that she is testing you as she is not at all sure which place she belongs. So while I would absolutely keep foster family in the picture, it would always be in such a way that your daughter is CLEAR about who is the mom, where she lives, who calls the shots.

Regarding the Build-A-Bear thing, again, I see your motives, and they are good. However, I clearly remember when my now ten year old daughter arrived at almost 3 years old (so about the age of your daughter now) and she had a stuffed animal named Guy that was her object of affection, so to speak. That was her MOTHER figure, as she had not attached to her first adoptive mom. One of the first things the therapist had me do was put Guy away. My daughter needed to come to me for her attachment, come to me for her warm fuzzies. I hesitate to support you giving your daughter a special stuffed animal when she is already not sure if she wants to attach to you. She needs to be clear who mom is before she needs another attachment figure.

When she asks for her own therapy dog or stuffed animal, you just calmly tell her you will meet all her needs and she doesn't need anyone else.

Does this make sense?

[2manyks]

wow - nancy good advice. we are all getting some good ideas from you.

my 7 yo dd came to us at 4 1/2. she never lived in fostercare, just her parents. the situation easnt good. i put away her stuffed animal and blankie just like you said. her attachment to them was wierd.

my dd is going to summer school for a few hours a day. she is way behind in school and my other kids and i need the break from her. i plan on doing some activities while she is gone abd some activities while she is home. she doesnt want to go to SS. she is stubborn about school and defiant. so now she has to attend to make up for the time she refused to do her school work. ive explained all this to her and told her its not an optional thing *because i said so*. is this the right way to approach this? some say i should keep her home even homeschool her. for my own mental health i cant be around her 24/7. what do you think?

[radblog]

Sorry it took me awhile to reply, I was in Colorado on vacation.

One thing that took me FOREVER to learn was that school is less critical than attachment. Nancy Thomas is fond of saying "We have many educated criminals." While I completely understand the need to get a break, do the SS thing more for the break than the academics. BACK OUT of the academics. She passes or she doesn't pass... they offer first and second grade every year.

Other than when she is at school I would glue her to you as much as possible. Provide the OPPORTUNITY to do whatever schoolwork she needs to do at home, but don't hassle her to do it. If she wants to sit at the kitchen table and pick her nose, whatever. You offered the opportunity. Commiserate with her occasionally (not often) about how that will be hard for her when all the other kids move on and she grows older in the lower grades, but assure her you will love her just the same.

Don't let school be an issue. Make it HER problem only. I know how hard this is, but keep working on it. Good luck!

[momraine]

For me one of the hardest things was admitting my child had suffered a loss. I know it sounds dumb, but I so wanted to beleive that because my child was abandoned at birth that she had no ill effects from her birth mother's loss. However, as she has gotten older I realize that there are definataly effects. The thing is, I should have known this. When I gave birth to my first son, they were cleaning him up and weighing him and doing all the things they do, and he was crying and crying, the nurses were all trying to calm him, dh tried and finally they gave him to me, I spoke to him and instantly the crying stopped. It was instant that there as no doubt he recognized my voice.
So naturally I should have realized that those first nine months my daughter did learn to know her birth mother's voice. Then suddenly that voice was gone from her life. So even if a child is adopted at birth, they still feel that loss. For my child she was in the hospital for months with ever changing nurses in charge of her and then in an orphanage for a few more months. So even though she was only 10 months old, she has issues, though very minor. My son who was older when he came home has more. Of course he never shows that side of himself to anyone but me! LOL, everything is saved for mom.

[2manyks]

your right about the school thing. homework is a *thing* between us. she definately uses it to get attention from anyone. sometime i forget and get into it with her. then later i kick myself for it. i cant be perfect though. i am sending her to SS. the other kids and i definately need the break. she cant really do her homework without help though. she cant read very well, or should i say, she doesnt want to read, so even math is hard for her. in spite of herself she has conqured some reading. she drives the teacher at school crazy. if she doesnt want to do it she doesnt. i can see it in her scores. most kids graphs look like a mountain big ups, small downs, but continually moving higher. hers looks like a - i dont know what. way down, way up, way back down. the teacher said she had a *come to jesus talk* with her. (no i am not in a private school, public. what that means im not really sure - but those are her words) she does better if someone says - do your best, ill be watching. but i cant expect a teacher to do that with 20 other kids to worry about. so after the talk she did better, but then worse, then better again. i would truly in the end like to bond with this child. but (I) now have a lot of issues after dealing with her for 2 1/2 years. she would happily stick to my side every moment of the day - i would go nuts having her there. how do i get anything done? her therapist said i need to help her to learn to entertain herself and know that i will still be here when she comes back. i guess what the real question is, what should I do, for myself personally, to like this child again. i used to like her and thought i could easily love her, but after all this time of her manipulating and fighting i have a hard time accepting what she has to offer. shes not so bad right now. shell back track, i know, and then move forward. but i find it hard to even want her around. sad. not what i was hoping for when i adopted her.

[radblog]

Several thoughts here ...

Even though the teacher has 20 kids, you DO have the right to expect the school to educate her. That is why you pay for a public education. If that means you get an IEP for her and/or she gets a paraprofessional assigned to her, than that is what that means. It is the school's job to educate her about academics, and YOUR job to educate her about the rest of life. They don't have to teach her how to do relationships and you don't have to teach her how to do math.

Your resentment and lack of warm fuzzies at this point is completely normal. Have you read my blog? There are tons of posts there talking about my feelings (or lack thereof) for a daughter that never gave back over a 17 year course of parenting her. There are also blogs there of late that talk about what really is our role in parenting these kids? Just some things that might provide food for thought.

I suggest you get Katherine Leslie's book "When a Stranger Calls You Mom" and read that, and move more into a coaching relationship than parent/child relationship. Take the heat off of BOTH of you to have to respond intimately ... and make it more of a coaching relationship. And back out of school. Perhaps if you try Katherine's methods you can rebuild from there.

Best of luck to you. I sure do understand.

[stevenstwin]

Thank you so much for saying what you did about school coming second! I had SUCH issues with that last year. Even my husband didn't understand why fighting about homework and studying was NOT high on my priority list. And some of the teachers warned me direly that if I kept taking him out of school for therapy and such that he was going to fail the grade. To which I said "Fine, so he graduates when he is 19 instead of 18. I don't think it will ruin his life!" I work in the same school, and they were constantly running to me to tell me about what he was or wasn't doing in class, and I finally said "look, if this is something you absolutely would phone any other parent about, then come tell me. But if it is just because you see me in the hallways and thought you'd mention it, please don't." And even on other support boards, it felt like there was a strong feeling that if you put school on the back burner until you have some other things sorted out that you are giving up and letting the kid take control. I just say that the proof is in the pudding, since THIS year he's done really, really well (for him) in school!

[2manyks]

wow - i cant wait for next year, i guess. I WILL NOT FIGHT OVER HOMEWORK EVER AGAIN! should i write that 100 times? i will get the book - when ill have time to read it is another story, lol. she does have an IEP. what should i put in it. no homework help from me? she didnt pass all the requirements but they are sending her on anyway. i think none of the teachers want her in their classes. no one really understands what rad is, but she is labeled special needs, so they dont expect as much from her. i dont care right now, since other things are more important. we are taking a break from therapy right now. i just needed a break from her being the center of our world.

[momraine]

My homework policy is I give them a time and place to do it and then I go about my business, making supper or whatever. If they ask me for help (and they must ask nicely) I will help, but I will not do it for them. If they start getting whiney or trying to get me to do it or they don't seem to get it, I tell them to put it away. I let it go. One nights when we are very busy, I do write a note to the teacher explaining that there was no time to complete the homework. We are a busy family and sometimes it's not worth it to keep them up past thier bedtime or to try to do it in a rush. I am lucky that our junior high and high school have started really holding the kids accountable. They have something called Zap. If they do not turn in homework or any other assignment on time, they are assigned Zap. If they have Zap, they must come in the next morning before school to the Zap room (Zap is for Zero's aren't permitted) If they turn in the work they are released (this is good for kids who have band or sports before school as they get in extra trouble for missing those.) If the work is not turned in they are expected to work on it in the zap room until school starts. If it's not completed (or they didn't bring what they need)they are assigned lunch detention and another Zap. On the second zap for the same assignment if they are not done they are assigned lunch detention and after school detention and another zap. Letting these pile up can get them ISS. They no longer give them a day off of school for bad behavior here, they said it worked when they knew most parents would back them and make sure it was a punishment, but they said some parents let them watch TV all day and others even let them go to six flags!, so we only have in school suspension. It's no fun at all.
It sure has made it easier for me to not worry about school work. DS was surprised though when I saw through his first "I just want to get to school early to hang out with my friends, no other reason". Of course his brother tattled on him too, but I already suspected. LOL