[1moretime]

I am a single mom and adopted my son at age 7 from Russia. He had been in an orphanage all of his life. He seemed to have a few issues in the beginning but they were managable and when I reviewed the list of RAD most at that time didn't apply. Well, things have been gradually going out of control in the past year. He is hyperactive, and he obscessive about needing complete control. He is disruptive in class and has been physical with classmates, I came home one day recently and found he had been playing with matches and my cat (who hates my son) was very wet and it was a dry day out. He lies, steals anything to get his way. Lately he has been saying he can do anything he wants and there is nothing I can do about it.

Well, about 3 weeks ago he was caught again taking things from the home to give out to buy friends, he has very poor peer relationships. I confronted him about it, we argued, he began flailing around, I grabbed him by the arm firmly several times to get him under control, I also grabbed him by the face and said he couldn't be beligerant to me when he was saying absolutely awful things. Next thing you know, he goes to school and states I abuse him. Then he literally jumps into foster care. States that I need time to cool down. He is saying all of this with a "I have you in my utter and complete control and now you have to do just as I say like these people are doing". It was horrible. Oh, did I mention that he self-harms? Anyway, sounds like from the very few things I have gathered that he has told quite a few embellished and imaginative stories about how bad his life was here. And they think of me as a monster.

I tried to get therapy fo this child 2 times and because he was so put together at the visit the one therapist said all we needed was structure, which I had. The other was so bent on ADHD drugs he didn't want to look into RAD. I stopped going when my son stole a drink out of the school cafeteria to buy a kids friendship and the therapist said "Oh, that is so sad, hmmmm." I realized then that he just didn't get post institutionalized children and I just frankly didn't know where to turn after that. By the way, I too had blinders on about RAD (had my head in the sand) but I knew something wasn't right. I was so busy trying to keep my head above water taking care of my son, keeping up with his activities, working and keeping the house together and I was told by two therapists that he didn't have it I just didn't dig has hard as I should have to find the right therapy. Oh, the guy who wanted to put him on ADHD drugs did exactly what all the RAD info says not to do, for example separate him from Mom for therapy.

Anyway, I have made an insistant request of the D.S.S. workers to have him evaluated by a RAD and post institutional therapist. And since, I now have some quiet evenings I have been about to locate 2 within 1 hour drive from our home. Guess what. They don't want to do it. So much for D.S.S. wanting to help children.

Now do I listen to my heart and keep trying to get him the help he neds through foster care, I am kind of scared to have him home. Or do I do what everyone, including my attorney tells me and just call it quits? I am mentally and physically exhausted. I need to get opinions from people who are here and doing this. What are our chances of my son and I having a working relationship at this point even with the Rad therapy? HELP!!!

[Lorraine123]

Only you can decide if it is time to call it quits. No one can tell you the answer to that question, unfortunately.

DSS typically does not like to label children with RAD. And in their behalf, it is sometimes difficult to see RAD in a foster home due to the superficiality of it. Therefore, I doubt DSS will put your child in therapy.

If/when your child returns home, it is imperative that he gets attachment therapy. He will get worse without it, as you have seen. Go to Welcome to Attachment & Trauma Network* - ATN. You can find a list of therapists there who are qualifiied to treat RAD. A good attachment therapist will help you better understand your feelings and how to deal with them so that you and your child can live together (hopefully). Our attachment therapist helps me as much if not more than my daughter.

I would not have him in school. He is using school as a place to triangulate and manipulate. This is very damaging to him and you. You can get a therapist to say that it is unhealthy for him to attend school and the school system must provide an in-home tutor. You need to make his world smaller. Best is if he is with you at all times.

You will need to alarm his bedroom door so that you know exactly where he is at night. I would be worried about your cat and since you can't be with him at night, the alarm keeps everything safe.

Good luck to you. If you decide to try for a working relationship, it can be done. However, many things need to change and thats hard.

[Hadley2]

So sorry this is happening to you. Manipulation and triangulation that results in allegations being taken seriously is a fear I think many RAD and RAD/FAS-FAE parents live with.

As for your questions, I think you need to get a more realistic perspective on your situation right away. I've been a licensed foster parent for four years, so that's where my understanding is coming from.

Right now you are a defendant in the system. There are probably two legal cases against you right now: the criminal case and the civil foster care case. One can affect the other, but they are separate.

The criminal case threatens a criminal conviction, fines, possibly jail or prison time. Given the child's savvy about allegations, the criminal charges could easily rise to felony level (even posing the threat of imminent and severe harm can be a felony in some states).

The civil case threatens a "finding." Given a judge's finding, the court will order a case plan requiring you to successfully complete a service plan addressing the conditions leading to your abuse of the child. If you do not comply and are not successful, you can lose custody of child and/or your parental rights.

Service plans routinely include parenting classes, domestic violence classes, different therapies or psychiatric care and evaluations, substance abuse programs and testing (if you drink at all or take any prescription or OTC medicines that could be abused and your child knows it, don't be surprised if this one crops up) etc., etc. Agencies have learned to pile it on so that they won't later be accused of not making reasonable efforts to support reunification. If you are not indigent, you may be required to pay for all or some part of these services, too. Foster care cases can be quick, a few weeks, or last for years and years.

DSS won't let you just "quit." You are the parent, you are responsible for this child and they won't let you walk away. You can't just relinquish your parental rights and (in the state's view) dump your parental responsibilities on the taxpayer. You are probably being billed for child support (if not yet, you will be; many people don't understand this, but even when the state removes your children, you are still financially responsible for them).

You also have very little say about what happens to the child now. You can't "try to get him the help he needs through foster care." You are not in charge of any part of the foster care plan or the service plan for the child. If the child has been removed, there has at least been a preliminary hearing granting DSS legal custody, perhaps guardianship. You still retain your parental rights but most are essentially suspended at the moment.

You can and should ask DSS first for something to be done, but if it's not, you have to go to court--and you have the right to go to court--to try to get it done as part of your defense.

You need a really good lawyer as soon as possible, one who will get the court to order the evaluations needed to show how the child's cognition and behaviors played into and created this situation.

You need either a diagnosis for RAD or the many other dx that add up to/look like RAD--ODD, etc. I strongly urge you to start reading up on fetal alcohol issues now, too, if you haven't already. Harming small animals, fire starting, etc., are associated with that. The big thing to know is that FAS/FAE causes permanent brain damage. Kids who are severely affected may not be able to live safely in society. Instead of an abuse case against you, it may be more in order for there to be a CHINS (Child In Need of Services) case for the child.

In any case, be aware that your lawyer needs to get the court order to state that you are to be a participant in these evaluations, especially ones involving RAD and FAS/FAE. Much of the diagnosis depends on parental reporting and documentation of cognitive and behavioral phenomena in addition to physical tests. The foster parents will not have the history with the child to be able to participate effectively.

Good luck. I hope this resolves itself in the most beneficial way beneficial for your child.