[adopting07]

Since this is my first post I will share where I'm coming from and where we are headed...I think.

Two weeks ago our infant adoption fell through when the birthmother chose to parent. The day after the fall through the agency called us about a 14 month old boy.

We took some time to think about it and have decided this is what God wants from us and we're excited.

My questions now are regarding attachment and bonding. Since we were expecting an infant I never put much thought into the bonding process that would need to take place with an older child.

What are the steps we need to take to ensure he bonds to us?

He has been with his birthmom since birth and he will meet us on the day we take him home...forever.

If he co-sleeps with us when do we ween him from that? Should he still drink from a bottle even though he's 14 months?

Please help....what else do I need to know. I want to go into this well informed.

Thanks,
Stephanie

[TxMom65]

There are so many people here with more information than I have. From what I have read and heard, I would see if I could contact a specialist on attachment. Read all that you can. As far as your child, I would still give a bottle if he is taking it and I would co-sleep. Hold him or wear him in a sling if you can. Massage him and sing to him, play games where he has to make eye contact.
Good luck with your new son!

[2manyks]

stick with a bottle if he still has one. rock him while feeding him his bottle and sing to him or read stories. eye contact is very important. our therapist says to pop something sweet in his mouth everytime you get him to make eye contact with you - a fruit snack or m&m. she says she carries m&m's in her pocket all the time to have them readily available - and NO - you cant do this with something healthy. sugar is a very important part of bonding. hopefully since he has been with is bmom since he was born he will be attached to her so it means he can attach. if he cries when leaving her - this is a good sign - sad, but good! good luck and keep us posted.

[WhoKnew]

adopting01 - congratulations on being matched; how exciting! I agree with everything the others have said. Also, make sure you and your spouse are only ones who feed, bathe, dress him, etc. - even if grandma wants deperately to help. Patty Cakes is a good game for eye contact, as is blowing bubbles.

You may want to read Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft. There are parts that seem discouraging, but I think it is a great resource, because toddlers truly do have some unique issues. They are old enough to 'remember' (not like a newborn), but too young to understand what is going on (and ariculate their confusion and their emotions).

Another excellent book is Attaching in Adoption, particulary the sections on what to expect developmentally and the tasks at each developmental stage (both the child's and the parents' tasks).

Remember to not take his reactions and behaviors personally. Even though it is an exciting time for you, this will be a HUGE loss for him and he will need you to help hime with his grief. The books mentioned above deal with grief as well.

Best of luck to you and your family!

[mommyto4]

Agree with what others have said, even if he is wanting his independence until he is bonded to you do EVERYTHING for him,feed,dress,bottles, cuddle and rock, he may not like it at first,but it works!Also you can carry him in hiphammaock during the day, Best wishes and congratulations, keep us posted