[Pinkie]

I wanted to say hello to all on this board and introduce myself a little. To be honest I've been lurking for a good few weeks now but never posted because I didn't really know where to start and to be honest I sometimes feel confused with what is really going on.

I adopted DD from Russia about 16 months ago, she is now nearly 7 years old. I can safely say we had a honeymoon period to start with and then during the summer (after being home for about 7 months) I had to employ an au pair as here in Spain the children have 3 months holiday in the summer and I had to work. DD reacted badly to the au pair. She was very rude to her the entire time she was with us to the point of not even wanting to say good bye to her when she left! During the first 6 weeks the au pair was with us DD basically attacker her 3 times, biting her on the hand once and scratching her arms and drawing blood the other two times. After the first incident I went looking for professional help and was told that it was normal behaviour for a child in DD's situation. I was told that there was help but as Spain basically closes down for July and August to review the situation in September. September came around, the au pair had left and things were looking fine so I decided not to persue. Everything ticked along nicely until about October/November time and again DD started to play up. She seemed very anxious and defiant. I thought she was anxious about us travelling to England to meet family for the first time but it wasn't, she loved England and the family. It turned out that a new girl had started school and was....hmm...lets say making her present known to all in DD's class.

For several reasons I decided to see a neurologist to see what was going on. Tests were done (e-rays of the brain area etc) and the results show that part of the brain has developed to 80% and will not grow anymore. I think he said the cortex which would make sense on some of DD’s behaviours etc. The specialist said that that would explain her ADD type disorder (sorry to be a bit vague but this is all done in Spanish and I’m trying to be as accurate as I understood it). I said that I wasn’t happy to just walk out the door with a ADD type disorder and wanted to see a psychologist. We had five sessions in total at the psychologist who has told me that DD’s behaviour is normal and I just need to give her time to settle. I accepted this but did say that as I was due to change DD’s school and as she has only been home a relatively short period of time would like to continue with once per month sessions which is what we are doing now. I have to add that these sessions are just as much for my own sanity and not just my daughters!!

I don’t know what I’m trying to say here. I feel that everyone is telling me that its normal behaviour but I feel its more than that. Some of the behaviour includes wanting to control, being defiant, many days wanting to regress back to being a baby, socially with other children needs more work, she is a good one year behind in all aspects regarding school.

I’m going to stop here as would like some feedback but must add that if my Post seems cold, I don’t mean it to be. Its just I’m trying to give you some facts so you can maybe help me figure out what’s going on? If anything? Maybe I’m over analysing??

[proudmommyof 2]

Hi, Pinkie!

So sorry to hear about the problems you're having. I really don't have much to offer in the way of advice with attachment, but I've been reading as we're hoping to bring home our 4 year old soon!

Anyway, the one thing I can give you advice on is this: If you feel in your gut that something is wrong, don't let the doctors tell you that everything is fine. I know with Tommy, they almost made us feel like we were LOOKING for something to be wrong with him, and hoping to have problems with him, until they actually started to find things. Remember, she is your dd. The doctors that dismiss you do not have to live with your dd, and do not have to worry about her and love her. Keep pushing them.

Do you think that Spain has as good a handle on attachment as the US? Is it possible that they are not at all familiar with it? Do you think you could offer them some materials (you may have to translate them to the best of your ability) and ask them to look into it more? Do you have others around you with IA kids that you can lean on?

Sorry I can't offer you something better. I was sorry to see such a familiar name running into problems.

Hugs to A for me. :-)

[Pinkie]

Proudmommy, thank you for replying. You helped me so much back in November/December when I was taking DD for the brain scans - more than you probably realise.

I keep waiting to be told that I'm looking for something that isn't there by some professional or other! We have had 5 sessions in total with the child psychologist and of course with the sessions only being one hour at a time in total it isn't a lot of time. I think the psychologist is starting to see the light but nevertheless our next session is 12th april and I will be taking some literature with me.

To answer your question, I am positively sure that Spain is not clued up by any way, shape or form like the USA. I know there is a Spanish psychologist who fully trained in America (I know that doesn't make her adoption suave) and she is my next step if necessary. She is very expensive and at the moment I'm still trying to get over the whole Christmas expense! I'm not unhappy with the psychologist that we have I'm just concerned she doesn't have any experience with adoption. The thing is we live on a small island, if I was in Madrid or Barcelona it would be a slightly different story. But having a handle on it like the USA - no way, not even close. England doesn't have a handle on it like the US either.

I shall pass on a big hug and kiss to Herself. I can't wait to see your Korean beauty.

[WhoKnew]

Originally Posted by proudmommyof 2

Hi, Pinkie!

Anyway, the one thing I can give you advice on is this: If you feel in your gut that something is wrong, don't let the doctors tell you that everything is fine. I know with Tommy, they almost made us feel like we were LOOKING for something to be wrong with him, and hoping to have problems with him, until they actually started to find things. Remember, she is your dd. The doctors that dismiss you do not have to live with your dd, and do not have to worry about her and love her. Keep pushing them.

I could not agree more. Although our issues have been relatively mild, I've also hear the "that's normal", "all kids do that" when I know in my gut it is not normal. I am concerned now about learning issues, and am made to feel by everybody like I am "looking for something wrong". I just want to get her any additional help that she needs!

Anyway, keep pushing for the help that your daughter needs. I hope things improve.

Christine

[Pinkie]

Thank you Christine, we're doing good. I had to cancel my 12th April appointment at the psychologist and re-schedule for the 1st week of May so no real update there. I also feel that our problems are relatively mild but have to say when the tamtrums kick in it doesn't feel very mild!! Good luck yourself with your little one.

With regards to learning issues, I was slightly worried about my own DD. She is nearly 7 and doesn't excell in any kind of sport, she wasn't learning anything at her last school and I wasn't sure if it was her or the school. Well, I can tell you that since I moved her on 1st Feb, the difference has been incredible. I am amazed at the speed she has been learning, truly amazed. She finds it difficult and she feels that she struggles but the fact is she can do the work and I am over the moon for her.

[lucyjoy]

You might be interested in looking at resources from Welcome to Attachment & Trauma Network* - ATN or Attachment Disorder help from Attachment.org - Nancy Thomas Parenting

[Pinkie]

Lucyjoy, thank you for the links. Looks like the Attachment.org site is down, I'll take a look again over the next few days. I'm reading Nancy Thomas's book Dandelion on my pillow, butcher knife beneath at the moment, infact I'm having difficulty putting it down!.....From what i've read she seems to be a remarkable lady and I'd be interested in anything she has to say.

I've been doing a lot of reading, research and deep thinking and I'm convinced I'm deaing with PTSD. We're doing good and I'm blessed and proud of my little girl. That's the only update I have but will post again next week after the psychologist session.