[knudsons]

After just completing the adoption process with a beautiful sibling group of 4 I find myself in no way connected to one daughter. She has many labels; PTSD,RAD,depression et... Point is she is a 5 year old child and I am her mother. However my being her mother means nothing to her.I don't know how to explain the feelings i have for heror if it would even be appropriate to. I can say without a doubt, they aren't warm and fuzzy and i do want to fix that.It would be easiest just to say we are not connecting or attaching to each other anymore then she and the WalMart Greeter.Any ideas on what I could do?

[swanzie]

Shelly,

I am sorry but you had me on the floor laughing...I am sure you have my fd!! I know it isn't funny and I go thru these emotions just as you. I even sent my two to camp this summer with the hopes that once they were gone I'd have this pang in my heart that I miss them. I can honestly say it isn't there. Yet these children need us, are progressing....I am not sure about healing...but they are making progress with growth, socially and mentally.

I don't know how long you have had your kids - but look at it this way it took years for the bio's to do this damage - and it will take years to undo most of it (if any). The first time my fd called me mom - I wanted to die - my insides did a flip and I thought I was going to heave. It was heart wrenching...but the fact is that I don't feel the love that a mom should have towards their daughter. How can we? The wall that RAD kids have put up around them is so high and thick that it would take an act of congress to get into their heart...that is where reading every attachment book and having a good attachment therapist for these children is a MUST. We have to learn to parent these children effectively. We aren't going to get the love and respect and honesty from them that we would a normal child. It is the most difficult emotion to put to words...and I like your description about the walmart greeter...because that is EXACTLY what happens in this house. The problem is to not let that greeter get the same reaction or give the love that child is seeking...they must get it at home and not from strangers - from whom they seek it. It is all a form of manipulation....and will get worse in time. I do not let my child hug me on her terms...very hard to do...but I am the one who must initiate it...if she tries - I really know she is up to something else - and has probably got some plan going on.

The feelings you are having I understand, and I don't have any advice as how to quickly fix it. I can only give you suggestions and things that have worked for me. The biggest thing is truely to get into counceling with your daughter - and you need a coucelor who is trained in attachment therapy. any other kind of therapy is just a waste of time on a child with RAD. The only thing it does is make their maniuplation skills better. Behavior charts dont work with this type of child...the consequences have to vary so they don't know what it will be - so they can't pick and choice what happens to them. I tried this - and my fs just did the chores he needed to earn x amount because that is all he needed to by a cookie at lunch every day.
Hugs and affection should only be given by you and your husband - not outsiders, not teachers - nobody - I had to go into my fd class and explain all this to the teacher. I printed off a letter from Nancy Thomas's website to teachers explaining rad. It can't be allowed - it hinders growth. And any growth is what you need to start to attach so you can emotionally feel like mom. I hope I am making some sense. It is hard, and truely not believable by others with "normal" children. They just don't get this emotion we have. I understand...and there are plenty who do...you are not alone. There are a few other things that I have to suggest to you...first make sure that you make eye contact with this child. When given instructions to do something have them look you in the eye and repeat it. Follow up each and every time. If you say go brush your teeth and don't follow-up to make sure they do - it won't get done....that is just an example. Secondly touch this child each and every day in some loving way. A rub of the head - a hug, a cuddle - they will resist - but do it anyway. Congradulate them on telling them the truth - pop a caramel in her mouth - literally you put in in her mouth when she is telling you the truth or you feel an attachment moment. This is very powerful for the brain to react to and is a way in.

I wish you the best - and if there is anything else you want to vent about feel free to pm me anytime - as I have been there and am doing the same things as you...and I am wrestling with the same loveless emotions as you.

[crick]

First of all...you are NOT a horrible mother!!

Attachment is hard...and I'm saying that based on minor attachment issues, not even getting to the RAD.

Are you in counselling? Attachment therapy? Have you gotten a break from her at all?

I'd check out the attachment books and also talk to parents here experienced in RAD. Hopefully they'll post here too!

In the meantime, take a break for yourself and don't be so hard on yourself. Hard to do, I know!

[zebramom]

I just sent you a PM with some information. You are not alone. There are tons of parents out there who understand.

Listen to Crick (I can't believe I just typed that!!!)

[jkeasdon]

Wow it is so comforting to hear other moms saying the very things I am feeling. We adopted a now 3 year old girl. She came to our house last November & we finalized in March. I feel like my nice happy life is in shreds most of the time. I tried all summer to potty train to no avail. She is back in diapers except for preschool & church. She knew what to do simply refused to do it. I cannot even try potty training right now because it makes me so angry I cannot rationally function on any issue. I am so afraid that we will never connect, that in 13 years or so I will be raising her illegitimate child because she sought love elsewhere because I failed her. It is very hard to connect with a porcupine! Does anyone have any stories with a happy ending?

Kim

[crick]

jkea...lol...a porcupine..that's a good analogy!

I think one way to look at it that helps me is to remember that it's not an "ending", but rather a process with a lot of milestones to celebrate. Kwim?

We take baby steps and those baby steps are HUGE accomplishments. I bet if you look back over this almost year with your dd, you will see many things that are different than they were at first? No matter how small...maybe at first she wouldn't even look at you and now you have great eye contact. Or maybe she arched her back when you held her and now she'll let you hold her more comfortably.

It helps me to look at how far we come, rather than how far we still have to go, if that makes sense?

I really wouldn't worry about the potty training...she's only 3. Yes, typically girls potty train by this age, but there's no rule in the book that say she has to be by this age. Even kids without attachment issues can be stubborn about potty training. And since this is a battle that stresses you, give yourself permission to stop the battle. We can't work on every issue at the same time...we'll be in a padded room if we do!

I know you are probably sick of hearing this, but it does take time, and a year really isn't that long. Which is why I encourage you to look back over how far you've come, no matter how "trivial" you might think one of those steps were.

It's been 4 years with my kids now...and granted, we didn't have severe attachment problems, but we did have them regardless and we still continue to improve. Things are what I'd call "normal" now, and some days or weeks we might have some regression or some other thing that pops up, but overall....life is good!!!

[zebramom]

We are coming up on our 7 year anniversary with our son. I'm not going to kid you, it has been a LONG, HARD road with him, and puberty is a nightmare, but we are seeing progress.

We did attachment therapy for a couple of years, and still go back for "tune ups", we are now working on a bio-medical route after discovering some other issues.

It really will get better. Right now he is the closest to "normal" he has ever been. Last weekend he had a friend invite him to spend the night at his house. This is a first for him. A couple of times he spent the night as part of a group of kids for a birthday party, but had never been invited on his own. It is a MAJOR accomplishment.

As for potty training, let it go for a while. It could be just regular kid stuff, or it could be a control battle. If it's a control issue, she's getting exactly what she wants from you.

[Lorraine123]

"hugging a porcupine" - what a great description. My porcupine has been with us for 3 years and we still are not connected. But I keep trying day after day. And there are times when I think that I have no feelings for her except frustration, but then something will happen to her and I get that mother bear instinct and I realize how much I do love her. So I focus on that and keep trudging forward. I don't believe we are horrible mothers - we have very challenging children and the fact that we are still here trying, makes us all pretty great mothers, IMO.

[dadfor2]

dads too....

most know on here, about my older son, and his issues, and yes, there were times when i didnt even think i liked him, that i just wanted him out of the house.

it doesnt me we are horrible parents, it just means our children are really good at keeping people away from them.

thats what they do to protect themselves.

but like lorraine said, there will come a time, when all of a sudden, it hits you how much you truly love the child. even if it is only for a second, you know its real.

there will come a timme when you feel 'NO ONE will bully my kid, no one will be mean to my kid...blah blah blah'

sounds like this child is doing exactly what she thinks she needs to do to stay safe, and thats for you to reject her so she can say 'see, dont trust adults'

but boy is it hard work until they come around.....

[whoownsthis]

Shelly,
Been there, done that. It's true, these kids are masters at trying to drive us away while pretending to "attach" with perfect strangers. And it's also true that parents (and teachers!) who have never cared for a child with attachment issues will not have a clue what you're going through. When you keep your child close (tight reins, lots of structure) and out of extracurricular activities (which for them is yet another adult to manipulate and a "leader" to please superficially in an attempt to frustrate the parents), people call you "too harsh," a "drill sergeant," "unloving," etc.

My 8-yr-old confounds every caring adult she comes into contact with. "Why would she kick that boy for no reason? She just walked right up to him and kicked him!" "But she's usually such a sweet, happy little girl. Why was she so defiant with me today?" "Are you saying that she lied to her teacher/principal/nurse? She's not really allergic to peanut butter?...You don't really send her to bed without supper? ...You don't really make her scrub the hallway with her toothbrush?...You don't really tie her up with the garden hose?" (Ok, that last one I just made up, but my K has told a plethora of whoppers to anybody who will listen!)

Yesterday was the latest in our round of RAD insanity: She conveniently "lost" her $300 eye glasses during recess and blamed a non-existent child for knocking them off her face while they were "wrestling in the leaves." Hmm...I checked. There is no such child named J in her class! Her teacher and I put 2 and 2 together and figured that she didn't want to have to wear her glasses for today's picture day, so she "lost" them yesterday. Problem is, she didn't think long-term, and now she's blind as a bat and will struggle to read, see the board, etc. UGH!!!!! And since she has no concept of money, I encouraged her to think of how yucky it will feel to not get birthday presents for the next 7 or 8 years! And there's also the fact that Santa knows "when you're naughty or nice," and throwing away your glasses definitely qualifies as "naughty."

Yeah, I know. That last thing probably caused her to feel more shame. I did rub her back as I was saying it (and she was bawling), and I told her how sad I was that she wouldn't get to have her picture taken today (she'll have to wait for the retakes so that she'll have her new, "ugly" glasses for the picture). I reiterated how every choice has a consequence and in this case, she made a poor choice, so it earned a yucky consequence (no dressing up for the school pictures today, lots of icky chores to pay for new glasses).

Here's where that loveless feeling comes in. I went into the school to explain what we were going to do (no pictures today so that the gravity of her choice will sink in), and her teacher saw me in the office. She came to tell me that K had already tried to ditch her "ugly" glasses by hiding them in her desk, but the teacher made her put them back on. (I had told K they were not to leave her face when I dropped her off, and that stinker said, "OK, Mom" and proceeded to take them off the minute she got to class. Grrr.) Anyway, she's stuck with an old (useless) prescription until we can get new lenses put in to these old, dorky looking, heavy frames. (The ones she "lost" were cool! They were bendy, indestructible, very lightweight, pink frames which she chose, and transition lenses! And she managed to keep them for a whopping 6 months. Ugh. ) And my brain is telling me that I need to give this up. It has to be HER problem. Not mine, her Dad's, her teacher's, her principal's, etc. So let the consequence learning begin!