[jjuliejchad]

We are new to this forum and still trying to learn about RAD and how to help and deal with a child that has it. We adopted our son from Guatemala last January and he shows many signs of RAD. He is very affectionate to people outside of the immediate family and not so to us. He was with his birth Mom until he was almost 3 and then in foster care for 9 months. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to make him happier and more agreeable? He has to control everything and everything is a problem. It makes the day so incredibly stressful and my husband and I are exhausted. It is also not the best thing for our bio son (8 yo) to see. Any help would be appreciated. We have read so many books and we have tried many things, but not much is working. He has a horrible temper when things don't go his way.

Thank you in advance for your help.

Julie

[lucyjoy]

Sorry things have been a struggle. Have you been able to find a good attachment therapist to help address the underlying issues? While the parenting techniques can help with behavior, they don't address the root causes.

Have you checked the attachment disorder network's site for help? Home

[angelkisses0102]

There is so much which can be done for AD/RAD kids...by your acknowledging that your son has a problem is a huge first step in the right direction. It is very important, as Lucy states, to get him evaluated by a qualified attachment therapist. Regular therapy/therapists may cause more harm that good. A couple of good websites are A4everFamily.org - HOME (although that is more directed at children adopted as infants) but they have a great section on very good atachment realted books and attachment activities, they explain red flag behaviors and explain using reali life examples, behaviors on the symptom checklist (which is actually the same checklist utilized until age 5.) Attach-China has many wonderful articles as well.
Here is a good article...
Parenting: Attachment, Bonding and Reactive Attachment Disorder

For our kids...the days are long and the road often feels all uphill but with much hard work over time, many of our kiddos do heal. You taking control, a rigid rountine with little to no choices (no control by him) and professional help can make a huge difference. Getting support, like at the link Lucy mentioned there is a great listserve of parents with similiar kids makes a world of difference as well.

Good luck...

An Attachment Reading List

There are many books that address attachment issues. The following is a partial reading list:

A Secure Base: Parent-Child Attachment and Healthy Human Development by John Bowlby

One of the primary texts by the man who started it all.

Touchpoints Three to Six: Your Child's Emotional and Behavioral Development by T. Berry Brazelton, et al

The well-known pediatrician has made attachment ideas central to his approach to pediatrics.

Facilitating Developmental Attachment: The Road to Emotional Recovery and Behavioral Change in Foster and Adopted Children by Daniel A. Hughes

A book by one of the most popular therapists in the field.

Becoming Attached: First Relationships and How They Shape Our Capacity to Love by Robert Karen Ph.D.

A highly readable introduction to the origins and development of the idea of attachment.

Holding Time: How to Eliminate Conflict, Temper Tantrums, and Sibling Rivalry and Raise Happy, Loving, Successful Children by Martha G., M.D. Welch, et al

Many people have turned to Welch's approach to holding therapy.

Twelve Points of Parenting

1. Be predictable.

Be there for your child. Respond to his cries, yells, and calls. No matter what your child's age at the time of adoption, respond either verbally or physically within 15 seconds. Your child needs to take you for granted; she needs to know that if she needs you, you will come.

2. Be empathetic and sensitive.

Ask yourself, "What might my child be thinking right now?" or "What would this look like from my child's point of view?" Don't assume that your child is experiencing events as you do—or as you think he should. Go slowly. Watch for your child's cues.

3. Be emotionally available.

Your child should see you expressing a range of emotions. Demonstrate pleasure when you see her and smile when you talk to her; talk about sadness when you have tears. Your child needs to begin to understand and express his own emotions. If he has words to describe his feelings, he won't need to act them out or keep them buried inside.

4. Don't take your child's behaviors personally.

Many parents share how hurt they feel when their child pushes them away, runs from them, or refuses to cuddle. As children learn to express themselves with words, a parent might hear "You're mean!" "I hate you!" or the dreaded "You are not my real mommy." These aren't rejections, but expressions of fear, anger, frustration, terror, and other difficult feelings. Your child's ability to express emotion is not yet fully developed.

5. Pair words with actions.

When you walk into your child's room after his nap, begin talking. "Good morning! How was your nap? I'm going to get you up now, and then we can go for our walk. How does that sound? I missed you when you were sleeping. I hope you had a good rest. You are the best boy in the whole world!" Your child needs to associate nurturing actions with you and your voice.

6. Interact with expectation.

Behave with your child as if she has reacted to you in the way you wanted or expected. If your child turns his head when you come to pick him up, pretend that he looked right at you, reached for you with open arms, and smiled. Look right at your child, hold your arms out and open as you walk into the room, smile, and say loving, welcoming words, such as "There you are! I've been waiting for you. Look, my arms are all ready to hold you."

7. Become child-centered, and follow your child's lead.

Under normal circumstances, children come to feel they are the center of the universe. This is an expected part of development, and an important one. Having a period in your life where you feel the center of all that goes on around you helps to define who you are and your sense of self-worth. It builds inner strength. Parents who are supportive in this phase of development often find their children becoming more independent and self-reliant. Allow your child to be in charge. Imitate her, play follow-the-leader, Simon-says, or let her pretend she is Mom and you are the child.

8. Make eye contact.

If your child refuses, work on it over time—not forcing, but not ignoring the behavior either. Play "I See You" by peeking at your child, making eye contact, then hiding again. Playfulness decreases feelings of threat and makes interactions with you fun and rewarding.

9. Expect whininess, clinging, and tantrumming.

Don't leave—stay and see it through. The child's goal is to keep you close to him. These behaviors will subside when your child learns to express himself better. Respond in a positive manner. Put words to your child's actions: "It looks like you need to be with Dad right now." "Are you trying to tell me you want me to stay with you?" Pulling away usually intensifies these behaviors. It is okay, however, to set gentle limits: "It sounds like you need me to sit with you right now; can you tell me that in a big girl voice?" "I would love to have you sit on my lap, but you have to give me a little 'mommy space' so I can see you better." Stay with a tantrumming child and tell her everything will be alright, and it is okay to be mad. This does not mean you give in to tantrums and let the child have his way—except when his "way" is being closer to you. And sometimes you have to leave—for instance, at daycare drop-off. Your child will come to understand this. Also, be aware of the child who never tantrums; he may not know how to express his needs and may need help in learning how to express difficult feelings.

10. Create rituals and routines.

If your child knows what to expect, he will experience less stress. Routine built into transitions, such as going to bed or going to daycare, increases confidence. Predictable activities also help to provide structure for the expression of emotion. Your child may cry when you leave, but the crying should be related to normal sadness over the temporary separation, not because of a disorganized transition. Over time, as the child grows, the rituals and routines should change. A reading of Goodnight Moon might be an every-bedtime activity when a child is a year old; when she is two, she may be able to select two or three books for you to read; and when she is eight or nine, she may read her own book before bed.

11. Never let her feet touch the floor!

Hold her, touch her, and wear her. With babies, soft carriers are helpful, keeping your child close to your body. With older children, keep them close by holding hands or putting your arm around them. Carry him to bed or in from the car. Play piggyback. Cuddle and rock.

12. You cannot spoil this child!

The more secure your child feels now, the more independent she will become later. The more you respond, the fewer behaviors you will see designed only to gain your attention. Your interaction will become richer and deeper.

JoAnne Solchany Ph.D., R.N. is the adoptive mother of Anna and Nick, and an Assistant Professor of Nursing and Infant Mental Health at the University of Washington in Seattle.

[zebramom]

PM me, and I will help you find an attachment therapist.

What is his history? Was there any abuse or neglect tha you know of?

What are the RAD signs that you're seeing?

Lots of questions. Hope we can help.

[WhoKnew]

We also dealt with constant control battles, arguing, and non-compliance over every tiny thing. It was exhausting and frustrating, to say the least. Along with therapy and attachment techinques, I did find that the ideas in the Love and Logic book for kids from birth to 6 were helpful. Some of the key points in it helped me to stay calmer and not get engaged in the control battles with her.

One example - anger just feeds the misbehavior, and sends child into 'survival mode' rather than 'listening/learning mode'.

Another example - delivering consequences with empathy preserves the parent/child relationship. And you can't be both angry and empathetic at the same time!

Things have gotten much, much better over time. These issues are infrequent enough now, that I am trying to just 'let them go' of them most of the time.

One more thing - make sure to get breaks away from your son. You can help him more when you are refreshed and not competely emotionally drained.

Good luck and know that you are not alone. You may want to look into a support group. It was incredibly helpful to me to talk to others going through the same thing.