[nise2us]

Hello, My husband and I are in the process of adopting a 9 yr old girl form foster care. She is extremely behand in school(currently in 3rd grade reading and doing math on kindergarden level). She has been living in our home since early july. She has a half brother with severe behavioral issuse that we were not able to take. We have numerous problems-her behavior is terrible, tantrums, defiance, you name it. Nothing we do seems to matter. We have literally taken away almost all of her privileges, banned her to her room, ignored her and she could care less. She also lies about the silliest things and is very manipulative.
We have decided to hold off on filing for adoption because things have escalated so much. Our 15 year old daughter hates her. My husband and I try to show her love and we want her to feel loved but we don't really feel love for her because she is so mean.
We believe her behavior is a direct result of her academic standing. She has no self esteem and is well aware that she is behind her peers. The DSS is refusing to provide us with funding for secondary education although the Chairperson of Child Welfare Services at the NC state department says the can provide funding if they choose to do so. We are between a rock and a hard place at the moment. I could write more but just wanted to see if anyone had any ideas at all about methods we could implement to correct her bad behavior and also squeeze money for education out of the DSS.

Thanks

[ajjhmf]

It's difficult to answer you question without more information. How many placements has she had? What is her history? Does she have any dx? Is she in therapy and if so, what kind? Every case/child is different and without more information it is difficult to give advice.

That said, I do beleive that an assessment with a trained attachment therapist would be beneficial. They can point you in the right direction whether her problems are attachment related or not. You can check out Home or email kelly@radzebra.org and she will help you find one in your area.

Blessings,
Jenny

[lucyjoy]

She wants you to send her away from you. She doesn't have any reason to trust you or any understanding that love doesn't have to be painful. I'd recommend looking at Home and Attachment Disorder help from Attachment.org - Nancy Thomas Parenting and the reactive attachment disorder blog on this site.

[stevenstwin]

One quick tip in a very complex and painful situation - I notice that one discipline technique you use is sending her to her room or ignoring her. I do that with my well-attached bio kids! But don't do it with her - reverse that. Think "time in" instead of "time out". Spend MORE time with her, interact with her. Discipline might be "okay, you and I are going to spend the next three hours together - no friends, tv, etc". Being sent to her room just gives her the out that she is looking for - doesn't have to work on bonding or trusting, she can just withdraw further.